Refusal to clean up.....

**Beach Mama** · March 7th, 2013, 05:25 PM

Mister 4 is doing my head in right now, he absolutely sooks and refuses to clean up unless we help him, and there are times we simply don't have time and we need him just suck it up and do it.

Today I asked him to clean up some craft stuff - I didn't even want him to do the whole lot just do some of it and I would help him, I asked him 3 times and he refused, tantrumed on the floor and I told him if he didn't do it he couldnt' watch a movie with Iz so he's had to watch the Block with me instead - "I don't want to watch the movie"... SO now I asked him to do the Lego he has in here "I can't" so I say I will put it away and he says I don't want to play Lego anyway

Not sure how we deal with this. As I said at times he will have a go but it takes us sitting with him and basically doing the bulk of it. He also promised me today he would clean up and I have gently talked about how it hurts my heart that he broke a promise and he gave me a hug but still won't clean it up.

Any strategies/ideas appreciated. They both have a rewards chart - mainly used for night sleep time and the reward is a fun family day of their choice (his is a mini train ride with us all).

**~Kim~** · March 7th, 2013, 06:02 PM

Hey Tan, I know it's not a lot of help but my 4yo is exactly the same. With everything I ask him to do. And often angry about it.
I have no idea if DD1 did this or not.
Sorry mate, just wanted to offer empathy.

**onthefly** · March 7th, 2013, 06:12 PM

Yep, DS is the same. He wants to do it together, not on his own.
Do you have a system for cleaning up, and spots to put everything? That seems to help a bit. I find also reminding him that the cleaner is coming in the morning and will vacuum up anything left lying around tends to help motivate him.
One of DS' basic problems is that he likes his things spread out all over the floor.....

**eyafanna** · March 7th, 2013, 06:25 PM

This may be a little harsh but in the past with DSS ages 3 and 6 we give three chances to clean it up and explain that if they haven't done it after being asked nicely three times me or DP will tidy it up but the toy goes away in the cupboard. The threat of taking a toy away usually works and on the occasions we have packed up ourselves and put the toys away the boys have been less than impressed when they go to play with that toy again and it's in the cupboard.

**MrsFabuloso** · March 7th, 2013, 06:28 PM

DS1 was the same. I would tell him two times and if he didn't do it, I put that toy away for a day. If he did the same thing again within a day or two of getting it back, it went away for a week. Then after a week, it was a month.

Lego was a particular drain on my sanity. I told him after the month long episode if he wouldn't take care of it and look after it, I would give it to his friend B, who had expressed interest in having it because he didn't have any. That got him moving.

I have also literally donated toys of lesser value and meaning to them to the needy. I told them if they can't take care of the toys they're lucky enough to own, then I would give it to someone who didn't have many toys and who would likely look after the ones they had.

Plus with the lego I started putting it onto a big sheet to play with so it was easier to tidy up, just gather the edges and pour it into the lego head, and with crafty stuff I used to let him/them have free reign, but when they wouldn't pack away properly, I started to really limit what I gave them so at tidy up time, there was less to pack away. They do get overwhelmed easily.

**Beach Mama** · March 7th, 2013, 06:30 PM

This may be a little harsh but in the past with DSS ages 3 and 6 we give three chances to clean it up and explain that if they haven't done it after being asked nicely three times me or DP will tidy it up but the toy goes away in the cupboard. The threat of taking a toy away usually works and on the occasions we have packed up ourselves and put the toys away the boys have been less than impressed when they go to play with that toy again and it's in the cupboard.

See we do that too, but he just goes - oh I don't want to play with Lego and doesn't care that it's been put away and plays with something else. So frustrating, I wish it would work!! He has been like this since before DH went away, and he is back tomorrow after over 3 weeks in Japan so I am sure that is a factor and he was mega tired too but mainly from sooking and carrying on and fell asleep in 2 mins. He finally cleaned up the Lego but I had to help him.

**Livinthedream** · March 7th, 2013, 06:33 PM

I throw it in the bin.

Only had to do it once or twice and now he knows I mean it.

I also have been know to wait until a fav tv show comes on then turn off the telly till the mess is cleaned up.

I am mean

Lol

**chody47** · March 7th, 2013, 07:38 PM

Would he do it if you told him he couldn't do his next desired activity until its done?

Or, since he wants help, could you give him a definite amount to do on his own before you help? Ie, you do 10 big handfuls, or fill the Lego bucket to here or clear this section of the floor and then I'll help you. If this works then perhaps you could slowly increase the expectation you have of him until he can do it all on his own.

**Beach Mama** · March 7th, 2013, 07:43 PM

Nope that didn't help either!!! He just sat on the couch and refused and nearly fell asleep

Stubborn little bud! He did get up and do the Lego but wouldn't do it on his own first and I had to help him. It did help asking him if he wanted me to take 5 stickers off his chart which he wasn't happy about so I might have to use that more, and use it as a positive as much as I can when he does do the right thing.

**gypsy79** · March 7th, 2013, 07:48 PM

Ms 4yo DS is a bit the same. I usually end up helping (if it's a bit job, I don't really mind). But, his favourite thing to play with/on at the moment is DH's xbox. The threat of not being able to play on that for a day (or two or a week, whatever I decide) is usually enough to sort him out. Does your DS have something (even just one thing) that he would hate to have taken away? What about TV?

**M D** · March 7th, 2013, 08:05 PM

I must be a meany, with DD I used to tell her she needed to clean up or it went in the bin, like living the dream I only did it once and she knew I ment business. Thankfully she has thought DS that if there things don't get packed away they go in the bin.

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · March 7th, 2013, 08:53 PM

I throw it in the bin.

Only had to do it once or twice and now he knows I mean it.

I also have been know to wait until a fav tv show comes on then turn off the telly till the mess is cleaned up.

I am mean

Lol

then i'm mean too because I do and have done exactly the same thing

I've been advised by friends who've btdt that my DD4 is going through what are affectionately known as the "****ing Feral Fours"

and so far she is living up to the moniker. EVERYTHING is a battle (not just cleaning up after herself) and the attitude that comes with it makes me wonder (and scared) what she will be like when she's 14 :eek:

I miss my sweet, happy, easy going, little girl

**sloane** · March 7th, 2013, 09:03 PM

omg, I so did not need to hear that 4 is feral. 3 is doing my head in!

I haven't used this, but I did kinder duty last werk and when it was time to pack up the teacher put on a particular piece of music - I watched 15 three year olds all stop and start packing up. even my ds who normally needs alot of encouragement stopped and said to me 'time to pack up'. I'm not sure how or if this would work outside of a classroom environment but I liked it

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · March 7th, 2013, 10:35 PM

omg, I so did not need to great that 4 is feral. 3 is doing my head in!

I haven't used this, but I did kinder duty last werk and when it was time to pack up the teacher put on a particular piece of music - I watched 15 three year olds all stop and start packing up. even my ds who normally needs alot of encouragement stopped and said to me 'time to pack up'. I'm not sure how or if this would work outside of a classroom environment but I liked it

My friend, who is a primary school teacher, uses a similar technique. When it's clean up time she puts on her red scarf so her class (grade prep so 4-5yr olds) know that Mrs L needs their undivided attention and that everyone needs to chip in and help with clean up time. She uses the same technique with her own two boys at home and swears by it. So maybe there is some merit to using some type of cue whether it be visual, audio or a combo of both?

**Beach Mama** · March 8th, 2013, 04:52 AM

DD wasn't this bad at 4. I'm sure!!!!!

I ask him what if Belinda his kinder teacher says clean up and he says oh I clean up... So just not for me. His teddy is his comfort toy but I could take that away from him, just isn't related to craft or Lego. Threatening to bin it or put away doesn't work. ( I can't bin $$$$ Lego anyway!!!)

Will try the music and cue of a funny hat or something too.

**Arcadia** · March 8th, 2013, 05:15 AM

I think it's a pretty normal stage, because my dd is obsessed with doing everything with me, I assumed this was just an extension of that. I always tidy before I leave the house for an outing, so the kids have to tidy or they don't get to go out. As for the end of the day clean up, we tend to do it together because I really want it done.

I also find it useful to have some good reasons for clean up, such as the danger of having toys lying around. Seriously just leave Lego somewhere he can step on it and he will soon see the reason for needing it packed away.

I haven't thrown any toys out, but I'm not sure the threat would work with my dd either. She is much more compliant when I appeal to her reason ie the safety issue of toys lying around. I have been known to dramatically fall to the ground crying after 'tripping' on some toys and she was really quick to help tidy then.

Eta sloane, dd's kinder uses the Beatles song 'help from our friends' for clean up time. It's so cute!

**MrsFabuloso** · March 8th, 2013, 06:25 AM

TBH, Tan, I wouldn't take his comfort toy from him. It has nothing to do with packing up lego, itms to you. With him saying he doesn't care if you take his toys away, my DS1 says that too, but when I do, he will ask for it again once it's confiscated. And he gets terribly excited in having it back, so I do think he cares, he just says he doesn't!

**Snacks** · March 8th, 2013, 06:47 AM

Yeah, I also wouldn't take stickers off a chart either - it really is supposed to be a positive tool.
I'm like Arcadia, I end up cleaning up with DD (who is 6!!!) because it's the only way it'll get done completely, and it really is her just wanting to do stuff with me. She is actually really enthusiastic once we get started even though she will (frustratingly I admit) refuse to do it by herself. Both my girls are like this, refuse to do an activity until I get them started, then they complete the task and often enjoy it.
And there's no way I'd throw our toys in the bin. It'd probably upset me more than them, lol.
I do totally KWYM about not always having the time to do it yourself. We are the same some days (my work days particularly). The result of all this is that our place tends to be messy a lot. I'm ok with that though, so I guess my philosophy wouldn't work for everyone