Siblings..... the best experience you can give your child/ren?

[MummaSue]

A friend of mine tells me that she thinks the best thing you can do for your kids is give them a sibling. This was during a huge argument about the benefits of breast feeding for as long as possible. We no longer speak - but I can't get her words out of my head. Which is really annoying..... anyway.

What do you think?

Honestly.

We needed IVF to conceive DD, and when we first started TTC we always said we wanted 3 kids. Now we feel lucky to have one and one is where we might just stay. We're not sure if we'll have another (or if even we have a say in that, IVF may not work again).

So, is giving your kids a sibling the very best thing for them?

[onthefly]

No.
I think the whole "You need to have another to give your child a sibling" argument is rather silly. Siblings are great and all, but kids can get along without them.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I don't think people should have another child JUST to give their first child a sibling and NO i don't think it's the greatest gift you could give them.. your LOVE, TIME and AFFECTION is the greatest gift for a child followed by SUPPORT & UNDERSTANDING.

Personally i love that my girls are close, they seem to share a bond that no-one else could share with them but in saying that in 20yrs time they could hate each other.

Please don't let your friends words annoy you, do what is right for YOUR family and what your heart tells you to do, some people have no idea what affect their words have on others... either way i'm sure your an amazing mum who has her DD's best interests at heart.

[Trillian]

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea if it is the best experience or not. Judging by the way my kids fight at times, it probably isn't the best experience but it's something that we can't possibly know until they are adults I think and they can tell us themselves. And that's not forgetting the fact that if you only have 1 child or 6 children, that they aren't going to know any different, so it's probably going to be a big non-issue for them anyway.

[~Lashes~]

no.
i think id be alot more saner if we only had ds1! i was a only child untill i was 11, and didnt bother me one bit. the greatest gift you can give your child is LOVE

[Arimeh]

Sometimes I think I've done my children a great disservice by giving them siblings so close together - or at all.

Life would be a WHOLE lot easier with just the one!! LOL

[MummaSue]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I agree, there are sooooo many other amazing things we can do for them - yeah, loving them is the main one and there are no worries about that for our DD!!

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

[Phteven]

I think that with 4 children you end up with 2 children with middle child syndrome. Is it bad to be a middle child?

Anyways... I think the best experience you can give your children is a childhood in a loving home. And to model not being a judgmental know-it-all who thinks that she can prescribe the perfect family unit

[toomanyshoes]

No, I don't think it's the "best" experience you can give them, but I grew up an only child and was always jealous of people who had siblings and was adamant if I had kids it would be at least two.

But having said that, I also know only child's who love that it was only them. Everyone and every family unit is different, just have to work out whats right for you and yours.

[RockingBaker]

I think sadly this is a case of generalisations. Ask my DS which he prefered, the one on one mummy time or the 3 demanding sisters which touch his stuff. At this age they could stay at nanas for good and he wouldn't mind. Not to say he doesn't love them but they fight 90% of the day and he is a very sensitive kid who gets jealous when they touch his mummy.

[Trillian]

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

Really? I'm not a teacher yet, but even as a parent volunteer in my kid's classrooms, I can pick the kid who stayed up till 11pm, I can spot the kid that didn't have breakfast and I can spot the kid who seeks attention, but I've never been able to typically 'pick' the only child, or the middle child, or the eldest child. Sounds like she's talking out of her bum a bit LOL. Its not something you can just pick. Traits that you would assume an only child to have such as not being able to share, could also be typical for a child in a big family etc.

[misty]

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

I can generally 'spot' the kids who have siblings or not (and if they are the younger or older child). I don't think this really indicates whether having siblings is a good thing or a bad thing - just different. We are a product of our environment, so there are going to be differences. Differences are good, they make the world what it is.

As for the four kids and middle child syndrome. Pfftt... My parents had six kids. Number 4 definitely suffered middle child syndrome. I think placement can impact on a persons personality, but it tends to be more in line with the natural inclinations of the person in question and the entire family dynamic and relationship which develop between siblings and parent and child. It is not any one factor, but rather a combination of things.

There are certainly differences between my nephew (who is an only child) and my children. He doesn't share as well, he gets stressed out over the noise and fighting and some other things. But you know what, he is also better at alot of things (my sister has more time to spend teaching him individually), he is more mature in many ways then my DD (same age), he is able to have his parents (and everyones) undivided attention - which in itself can be good and bad.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to number of children. just different.

[~Stoked~]

My DD was an only child for 10 years. She longed for a sibling.. She was so lonely and jealous of other kids who had siblings.
We had DS in 2009 and are now pregnant again as we don't want him to be lonely like DD was (obviously that's not the ONLY reason we're having another!) as there is such a big age gap between #1 and #2. I grew up with 7 sisters and 1 brother and had such a great childhood.. We all had so much fun together!
In our case, having an only child didn't work but I don't think every child needs a sibling to be happy. I know many families whose kids can't stand each other and probably would have loved to be an only child!

[UsPlus2]

Try to ignore your ex friend hun, sounds to me like she was just trying to get under your skin, even if you had had 2 kids she would have just found something else to try and erk you with.

At the end of the day, the best thing for your child, is a happy, healthy family life, been it a family of 3 or 4 or 10. There are more relationships with people your child will have then just siblings, to focus solely on a sibling relationship as being "the best" suggests to me, maybe its your exfriends children missing out. xx

[Lulu]

Sue, you know where I am coming from right now. I can give the adult perspective. Amy and I fought like cat and dog for years but of course you grow up. The experiences you have only a sibling can understand, you might fight when you are little but when you look back it's a HUGE source of mirth (so don't worry to much Mel, I promise you your kids will be laughing their asses off about it one day).

So yes I do. But I realise that isn't always possible, but you can also have friends that become sisters and brothers and you if don't have another child, she will find one too.


Love xoxoxo

[Gigi]

i think your friend's thinking is very rigid and arrogant. I don't think it's right for her to impose her thoughts on you in such an autocratic way.

It shows incredible lack of empathy for people who don't have a choice too, e.g people with physical issues, people with financial troubles, people with no partner, the list is endless of people who don't have more than one, for various reasons. Plus the obvious, people who CHOSE to have one child.

So she is pretty unaware.

i have guilt that i am not providing my child with a sibling, and i went very "newborn ga ga" for a while there, but now i realise, i actually coudln't COPE with another child, i am finding it challenging enough with one, i think one is my limit. but that is only me. i would not put that on other people.

I do worry i am not sociable enough to provide bilby with all the friends to make up for the lack of siblings. She is nagging me about playdates now, at four. It's hard for me to build up the courage to ask other mums for playdates, and i am very anxious about inviting anyone to ours. (cramped inside and a backyard of dirt, weeds and twigs).

[PollyA]

I must admit have said those words. Not in such a horrid way, more in response to people who tell me (in a slightly judgmental way) they need to just love their child and spend time with them before they have another. I think that motherhood has taught me that a human's capacity for love is not finite. Each new person that enters your love world just increases your capacity to love.
I am in awe of the sibling relationship. The way my kids reserve their extra big smiles just for each other, the way my son watches my daughters every move, in awe and wonder, learning. It is more amazing than i could have imagined and I hope it stays that way for a long time.

But if I really thought about, of course it is not the best thing you can do for your children.
Mother Theresa said the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I think this is true. If children are in loving environment and learn respect for themselves and other, that is the best thing you can do for them.

If I was having a cup of tea with you and you were pondering whether you should have another, and it seemed like a possible thing, something you could do, I would encourage you to. If over a cuppa you said that you really couldn't do it all againi and DD was your only one, I would support that too, you will build your community around you and she will have go to people. You need to do whats right for you ultimately.

[BeautifulMadness]

I guess it depends on the family/persom and their situation i suppose

I think DS1 would be very lonely without his brother and they keep each company....but i think the best experience i can give my children is having fun with them so they can remember in their older years what cool times they had.


you're friend sounds a bit silly. not all families feel the need for more then one child. im an only child and personal i hated it