To smack or not to smack

I have a 5 year old, an 18yo, a 20yo and a 21yo. None of them were smacked by me. I would no less smack my 5yo now than I would my 20yo, and I can tell you that the more challenging of the two is the 20 year old. How is it we can deal with adults without smacking but not a child? And please don't say it's because you can reason with an adult. Anyone who knows anything about my 20 year old would refute that.

Why is it we can find the patience to deal with another adult without hitting, no matter how unreasonable they are, but not a child? What does it teach your child that you resolve things with hitting?

And my older children were hit by their dad when they were younger. He didn't think anything of it. It was discipline, and for their own good, after all. But I can see the damage it's done, to them and their relationship with them. Their love for him is tempered with fear, even now, and their relationship with him very strained. So I won't pretend that no damage was done.

My father smacked me, and I am extremely close with him.
He has one hell of a temper and was extremely quick to smack. And not just smack once, mind you.

So, I think it depends on the person.

My daughter is close to her dad, but not my sons. She loves him and responds to his efforts to have a good relationship with her, even though her brothers refuse to. But she never forgets that he has a temper, and while she knows he will not hit her now that she's an adult, it hurts me that she still always remembers that.

wrt to the OP's question - i think the decision for DP & i was easy. Neither of us was smacked as a child (ok, i was smacked once - mum aimed for my bum, i moved & she got me across the back. i still haven't let her forget it :lol:) & i think we can both see that smacking is not required to raise happy, healthy children who know how to behave 'appropriately' (for want of a better term!).

for me, i only see smacking as ME having the issue - if i were to smack it would be because i was having trouble controlling my own emotions & agression rather than teaching DS that something was the wrong thing to do. my DS is going through a pushing stage. it's completely frustrating & i feel so bad sometimes - it's like it was an extension of my own arm that pushed another child. but i feel that i should be providing a positive example to him of how we treat other people rather than retaliating in kind.

i am happy to admit that there have been times when DS has pushed every button & i can feel my frustration peaking but this is a sign to me that i need to walk away & control my emotions before i deal with the situation.

no, i don't have experience with more than one child or even a child that is over 3. but i feel happy with our decision & can see nothing to be gained through smacking DS.

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I still will not use violence or intimidate my daughter.

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DF has such a short fuse that he will raise his hand to DD1, To do exactly that, intimidate her. it drives me nuts and he always cops a blasting from me when he's done it and DD1 will not have a bar of him for a good few hours afterwards.
I'll be honest and say that ive smacked both the girls, purely out of my own frustrations, never hard or repetitavely just a tap on the hand, but it doesnt work at all in this house

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It's all very easy to say "I don't smack, ever" wait until you have a child who just likes to push all your buttons & NOTHING else works (and you've tried everything).

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"Nothing" and "everything" are strong words, but never accurate in this scenario. No one can possibly have tried "everything", because no one knows everything. It would be more accurate to say that sometimes a child pushes all your buttons and none of your usual coping methods are working and you can't think of anything else at that particular moment. I have been there too and have smacked DD on a couple of occasions. IMO that doesn't make what I did right, and I have actively worked on developing more and better coping mechanisms so that next time the situation arises I don't need to resort to smacking, as I have other strategies up my sleeve. So I think that yes, sometimes in the heat of the moment parents do smack, or yell, or say things that they regret. We are all human and not bad people for snapping sometimes, but I also think when you do snap, it is up to you to work out why it happened and to prevent it from happening again if you justify smacking as a "last resort".

DH and I initially disagreed with smacking, I was smacked on the bottom as a child but DH was abused so he didn't want me to smack either. Once we talked about it and he realised a little smack on the bottom worked for us and our children we were ok.

Regards,
Dianne

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wrt to the OP's question - i think the decision for DP & i was easy. Neither of us was smacked as a child (ok, i was smacked once - mum aimed for my bum, i moved & she got me across the back. i still haven't let her forget it :lol:) & i think we can both see that smacking is not required to raise happy, healthy children who know how to behave 'appropriately' (for want of a better term!).

for me, i only see smacking as ME having the issue - if i were to smack it would be because i was having trouble controlling my own emotions & agression rather than teaching DS that something was the wrong thing to do. my DS is going through a pushing stage. it's completely frustrating & i feel so bad sometimes - it's like it was an extension of my own arm that pushed another child. but i feel that i should be providing a positive example to him of how we treat other people rather than retaliating in kind.

i am happy to admit that there have been times when DS has pushed every button & i can feel my frustration peaking but this is a sign to me that i need to walk away & control my emotions before i deal with the situation.

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This pretty much sums up how i feel about smacking. I have smacked once or twice, but it was my emotions that got the better of me. It was ALL about me and i felt terrible and cried after the event and apoligised to my ds for doing it. He didnt stop doing what he was doing because i smacked him. All it did was scare him and I'm ashamed of that.

I really dont see how its possible to teach a child by using violence. You're only teaching your child that its ok to hit when you're angry.

Thankfully DH and I share the same belief so it's never been an issue.

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I really dont see how its possible to teach a child by using violence. You're only teaching your child that its ok to hit when you're angry.

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When i smack my DD back its straight away, its almost a reflex i have no time to feel anything and i sure don't feel angry. I just do what she did to me to show her its not nice. I have only ever once smacked her in anger/frustration was when she ran out in front of that box, but i think it was mostly fueled by fear. I smacked her the hardest that time but i had to send a strong message that when mummy says stand next to her she has to stand there and running out onto the road when the bus is pulling up at the stop is VERY dangerous. Now when we wait for the bus she will stand or sit next to me, she doesn't act scared she just knows thats what she has to do. But if she does get close to the road i ask her stand next to me and she does.

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When i smack my DD back its straight away, its almost a reflex i have no time to feel anything and i sure don't feel angry.

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Okay, I'm sooo not saying this to have a go, but I feel like you illustrated something really important. People who say they were smacked and it didn't affect them...I think this shows that it did, because immediately the initial reaction is to lash out and hit, there are no coping mechanisms before that, it's just bam, tap/hit/smack. Automatic. So I think it does affect people.

My response is directly to the OP 18/12

My DH & I are on somewhat different pages in relation to discipline (yes, still after 4 years). He thinks I am too soft and am raising a 'naughty' and want all little girl. To some point I agree with him, but that is out of sheer laziness that sometimes I can't be bothered with the 'naughty' behaviour and choose to ignore it/walk away. I do choose my battles alot of the time and I will agree that I am like that with other adults. Some battles I can't be bothered fighting, anyway I regress.

My DH doesn't think it is an issue smacking (tapping) DD on the bottom if she is doing or saying something that is not considered an acceptable behaviour to us. I dislike smacking, although prior to DD I was open to smacking. When my DH smacked DD the first time for doing something 'naughty' I nearly burst into tears. It really felt wrong - emotionally and physically wrong. I do use that example to DH now and then to remind his that I don't think it is acceptable to smack (hit) adults so why children? He really has no basis (IMO) for his argument. He is also at times a little emotionally abusive with DD, which ends up in us fighting....!

I have tapped DDs hand before when she has done something 'naughty' but I realised after talking to my sister (whom is a Primary School teacher), friends who do & don't smack and threads like this, that I told DH that I want to try other strategies, not to smack. It is still a bit of a battle with my DH, because sometimes he (and I) find it difficult in the heat of the moment to think / try another strategy. We are really challenged and pushed by DD sometimes that I want to yell at her. I do walk away to calm down and try to talk to her. At the moment if she doesn't want to listen, she covers her ears, so another challenge to overcome! (any tips would be welcome!)

In the past we have tried time out & that worked for a short time but as DD matured she needed some other strategies. Most of the time I do raise my voice slightly and tell her what she needs to do & why, most of the time she is compliant (for what of a better word). I know I never smacked my DD when she went to touch a hot oven or when she went to take off in a carpark or road and she has learnt from me telling her 'danger' or 'hot'.

I guess what I am trying to verbalise is that I have to change my strategies as DD gets older. What once worked, now has no impact and yes, I do agree with being consistent as much as possible, repetition certainly helps to reinforce a preferred behaviour and keeps the lines of communication open helps as well. I also consult BB and other forums for tips and chat to other parents that don't smack for their strategies.

My Dad smacked (well used his belt or open hand) to discipline us kids (more my sister & I). I was a very quiet child, rarely in trouble so I was very rarely smacked. I know it hurt and I was scared to put a foot wrong for fear of being smacked. So, I guess it worked in that respect but I don't believe any child should be fearful of anyone. My mum on the other hand was a yeller - yelled all the time, so we just tuned out. Communication was non-existant at our house, my mum always used the 'because I said so' and it drove me batty - please just talk to me!
I remember smoking in Primary School and had to go home and tell my parents. As two smoking parents, what were they going to say to me (apart from it being illegal for a child to smoke) when they were doing the same behaviour? I think of that when thinking about smacking a child. You won't let them smack you but you use the same technique to try to stop them doing it - it doesn't quite make sense to me.

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. I just do what she did to me to show her its not nice.

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I hear this one from people too, i.e. the only way to stop them biting is to bite them back etc etc. Personally I want my child not to hit me in the face because they know it hurts and they don't want to hurt me, not because they're afraid of getting smacked in the face themselves. That's not really teaching them the real reason why they shouldn't do it, just to be afraid of you and do whatever you say. I agree that smacking can work sometimes, so can CIO, but the reason it works is not ok with me. I never ever want my child to feel afraid of me. I want to show them that we can work problems out together and they can come to me with anything.

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I agree that smacking can work sometimes, so can CIO, but the reason it works is not ok with me. I never ever want my child to feel afraid of me. I want to show them that we can work problems out together and they can come to me with anything.

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This is what I think too and how I explained it to DH when we had the conversation about smacking.

My kids have never been afraid of me but they have been afraid of getting a smack.

Regards,
Dianne

That confuses me. You can't seperate your actions and you. If a dog bit me, I'd then be scared of the dog, not just the bite. And just because a human being will still love and seek comfort from someone who hits them, doesn't mean they're not scared that if they do the wrong thing, they will be hit by that person.

I mean, each to their own, but personally I don't want my child to associate my presence in their lives with being hit, like they do with their dad.

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That confuses me. You can't seperate your actions and you. If a dog bit me, I'd then be scared of the dog, not just the bite. And just because a human being will still love and seek comfort from someone who hits them, doesn't mean they're not scared that if they do the wrong thing, they will be hit by that person.

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yes. I agree.

A child will keep seeking comfort from a parent who completely abuses them, they are so fragile and need our protection, not our violence.

It's been said over and over, but really. If you wouldn't resolve things by hitting an adult, why oh why oh why would you hit a child?

My heart is breaking at the thought of so many children whose parents feel justified to resort to violence to deal with them. You know what? It's really NOT OK!

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My heart is breaking at the thought of so many children whose parents feel justified to resort to violence to deal with them. You know what? It's really NOT OK!

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You know what, i am offended you say this! I don't need or WANT anybody feeling sorry for my DD or any future kids i have. I do not beat my child nor will i ever beat her. A little tap here and there will do her no harm especially when whatever she was doing to get one would have damaged her ALOT more such as getting killed or being scarred for life trying to tip my cup of boiling coffee on herself. A tap on the hand/bottom is NOTHING compared to those and me saying over and over "please don't do that" didn't work and i had to do something. She now listens to me when i say that to her.

And NO child will not seek comfort from a person who they are afraid of. I NEVER once sought comfort from the man who beat me from the age of 5 until 11 years old. And i will NEVER even though he has apologised. I have though sought comfort from my mother who did discipline me as a child and thats how i saw it DISCIPLINE not an act of violence or "damaging" me and i don't know one single person who sees it like that. And if they did then what they got as 'discipline' wasn't right. I was always explained to why i was smacked which is what i do with my DD.

Why can't people just accept that there are people in this world who use smacking as a form of discipline and accept that their kids DO turn out ok! Why do people treat this topic like its a new thing?? Back in the days when my mum was a small child or even when my grand parents were children they got harsher punishments.

What i do find unacceptable is forcing a child to swallow chilli sauce or dishwashing liquid when theyre naughty! I had soap forced upon me by a babysitter and that was damaging for me, i had never felt so humiliated or violated in my whole life! I was 4 years old and i can remember that moment as clear as day but i could not tell you every time i was smacked because obviously it doesn't bother me.

Nothing anybody will say to me will change the way i parent.

No-one has the right to tell you how to parent.

Everyone parents differently. I'm sure alot of you wouldn't be 'happy' with how I'm raising my child and how i intend to raise my next one.

I agree with you, LMS. I see your point clear as day.
It doesn't mean that I will do exactly as you do, but I don't know that I won't. DD is only just 1 and we are yet to decide on a disipline route for her. Yes, she gets a tap on the hand occationally, but I will never be made to feel bad for that.