Have you considered some counselling for yourself, by yourself? It sounds like you have some serious issues that you need to work through, both for your own sake and the sake of your son.
I did. I just finished 6 months of therapy alone and the psych said she cant help anymore as I have the tools but I need to use them myself.
I feel very bonded with my other two but they are nt so I feel they are easier and I can know what to expect from them.
My middle son has times he can do something and the next day he can't and acts like he never could itms .
He can't wipe himself after toileting can't put his seat belt on can't catch the school bus can't use a knife can't sit still ay school can't play in the play ground. He lies and steals and doesn't follow house rules. He barely sleeps and tantrums most of the day. He begs for food constantly.
He is exhausting