My children have some bodily autonomy from birth. I talk to them about anything I physically need to do for them. I treat them and their bodies with respect. As soon as they are able to do physical tasks themselves, they do it. DD1 has dressed herself and chosen her own clothes from toddlerhood (I encourage colour matching and weather appropriate, but 'encourage' is the word). I still buy her clothes, although I do sometimes take her with me to choose. She brushes her own hair, chooses how she wants it done and then i finish it off for her. She washes herself, as soon as she was toilet trained and didn't want my help I let her take care of that too.
What DD1 does with her body is her choice. I would step in if it was hurtful or unhealthy, but that's never happened. She didn't want her hair cut until last year, so that was when she had it cut for the first time. She just asked again, so I'll take her. She hasn't asked for piercings, but when she does, I will explain what it entails and let her choose. She's been given earrings and still hasn't asked.
There are some decisions I make for them. Vaxxing, for eg. But even when making decisions they are not yet capable of managing, I respect that I am doing it on their behalf.
Piercings/tattoos - once they're out of the house or 18 they can, as long as they pay for it with their own money. I got my ears done at 9 and regretted it within about a month, took them out and loathe the holes in my ears, honestly I wish I'd never asked my parents to pierce my ears. I've had other piercings, all of them have been taken out. I have 4 tattoos and plans for more, so they will see those on me and some of my besties.
Clothing/haircuts/colours - whenever and whatever they want. I don't think there is a colour I've not had my hair, or a length of hair/cut. Clothing - I'd only probably step in dependent on weather or if there was a dress code for where we're going (as in formal wedding etc). I was a strong willed child when it came to haircuts, colour and clothing and don't expect anything else less from my progeny.
From birth for a lot of things unless it's to do with safety. My little fashionista has been choosing what she wore sine 18 months. I don't even buy her clothes unless she has said she likes it, no point she knows what she likes. Ear piercing, haven't had to cross that one yet, but as long as I believed she fully understood the pain and responsibility then I would let her.
There are so many issues though in their autonomy. For example & please don't be offended if you don't agree it's just my preference. I dont believe in feeding mushy food on a spoon into a my babies mouths. I believe if they want to eat they will pick it up and put in their own mouth. That is there choice & their mouth. I think my issue is actually with the whole forcing something into their mouth, I can't stand it. My DH tried it once with DS cause everyone kept telling him it's why he wouldn't sleep through the night, hunger. It made me feel sick watching him stick spoonful after spoonful without the poor thing barley having a chance to swallow. It didn't work. So there are so many areas where people have different views on autonomy & probably no standard age as every circumstance would vary. But haircuts and ear piercing, I would try to impart some wisdom / info on the matter but ultimately it's their body. My DH would think very differently on this, so there is going to be discussion about this in our house.
I tend to agree about feeding, also. It is a source of great anxiety for many parents, though, so I do empathise with those who try to encourage more eating! My husband has only recently let go of the idea that our kids need to eat lots to sleep - there really has never been any correlation between the two things for either of them!
I remember trying to force my son to feed when he was a little baby and I thought he needed more - we ended up with breast refusal! It does often backfire.
Thanks for all the replies. I'm starting to wonder if a lot of the issue is trust in the child's own judgement, like they will eat when hungry. It's always those small exceptions though that seem to dominate discussions
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