Bit of a more serious topic than my previous posting...
We all know it takes a village to raise a child. In recent times I feel that my village is changing... and the people I thought would make up my village when I started down this parenting road going on six years don't really figure into the equation any more. But I feel like I'm missing something.
One of my good friends, I'd say someone who used to be one of my closest friends, had a party for her DS this afternoon. She lives on the other side of town, so we drove for an hour (DS2 was mighty displeased), spent two hours there feeling a bit out of place, drove for an hour back home (DS2 again displeased). All the while back I was sad. DH tried to draw it out of me but I couldn't quite articulate... I am sad that this friend who was with me during those years at uni and after when I was trying to find my place in the world has drifted away, literally. I don't feel like we are in the same circles any more.
So who's in your village? Family, friends, who?
Will I make new friends when my DD starts school? Will these people become my village?
Not being a parent myself, but working with lots of families, I have noticed that friendships form between Mums when their children start having playdates and stuff so don't lose hope of finding some like minded people yet!
I feel this too. I had dd at 25. Five years later we are only just now attending the weddings of our friends. I will never have a baby at the same time as any of my girl friends or my sisters.
I think for me my village are those who I have been in the trenches with: mothers group women, kinder mums I've becomes friends with and my mum. It's not what I imagined, but there is a giant gap between me and most if my friends now when it comes to parenting. I can still connect with them on other issues, but I'm sooooo far beyond questions about pregnancy and birth and first-time parent stuff. I just don't need to go there again.
My village has in some ways become smaller. And in other ways bigger.
I try not to rely too much on relationships at school because as I've seen with others they tend not to continue into high school.
If I make this all about me for me for a second. I miss my large village. I think the atomic bomb that was the death of a close friend had me running to hide. And perhaps nurturing relationships that weren't reciprocal. But they needed me at the time and that's ok. But it's now I see the plague that's left behind. And I'm making peace with that.
But never lose hope with old friends. A good friend of mine dropped off the radar for a while, PND, egos and babies got in the way of our friendship. But recently things have gone back to the way they once were and I would say we are even closer than before. I think too the older I get the more picky I get at who I give myself to. I suck at keeping acquaintances. I have also learnt to accept that different people in my village have different super powers. And I can't expect them all to be the same. They are from everywhere, online, school, old friends etc.
I promise you that your village will grow. I always reach out. It's something I love about myself. But sometime my hand gets bitten. And that's ok too
Can you tell I've been pondering this a lot lately?
My village is my husbands family, mine don't even bother at all.
I made a good friend through Playgroup & became really close at the start of last year.
She became my life saver during DS pregnancy.
I was admitted to hospital on & off, she would come to the hospital & pick up my girls for me & watch them till hubby got home from work.
If I needed to goto an appointment she would watch them for me.
The day before I had DS she picked up the girls again, took them home & looked after them till DS was born.
She really became a huge part of my village last year & I really didn't expect that but I would be lost without her.
Also a few mums at school but one mum in particular. When I started to get really sick during the pregnancy she would pick up & drop off DD1 for me.
She would watch her after school if I was stuck in hospital or at Ob appts etc..
Their friendship has been a great source of support for me.
I know if I really need help they will help.
By the time DD1 was 5 we had moved 5 times and thousands of kms. I felt like I had no village at all.
I'm not great at reaching out. In fact I felt like a hermit for a good while. It was just easier. But then, slowly my village got bigger. Yes they are mainly people I have met through the kids, or our occupational family. I keep in contact with old friends but like you I feel a bit sad about the relationship. Only it's me that's moved on and they are all still stuck in high school circles. I haven't been at high school for nearly 20 (gulp) years. They certainly don't play a part in my village.
Our families are still a part of the village, just long distance.
Even people that are peripheral yet still involved in my village have become friends - the gymnastics coach and his kids, DD1's teacher for the last couple of years etc.
It's funny, with this village I have created for myself, I know that if I need someone, even in the wee hours, someone would come in a heartbeat, and has done. Before where the people who I thought were my village, I can't imagine any of them doing that for me/us.
My village changes a lot, and that's good. My Uni village was not my pre-Liebs village, my babuLiebling village was different again, same with preschool Liebs and now schoolage Liebs (we physically moved village for that!)
My village contains similar types though at each point.
The women with a similar ethic to me about life (if not same faith), at a similar stage in life, if not similar age.
The families physically close to us; I encourage talking to neighbours in the street! There are older people too in this group and they are great to chat with.
The Church Family, an emotionally rich and diverse group of people of all ages. Includes some people I wouldn't otherwise know and I love that we are now in each other's lives.
Biological family? Not really, for many reasons. Including distance and their disinterest.
I lost what probably would have been my village when I met DH. It was a huge year, we all started our first real jobs after finishing Uni so we could only see each other nights and weekends, and I met DH - none of the other three even dated in that year. DH and I had a long distance relationship, so I wanted to spend a good part of the weekend with him, and then a year later I moved in with him back in my home town, two hours away from the city my friends were in. Slowly, that was it.
I'm usually fine with it but I'm reminded more and more how different we are and it won't be the same. It was awkward with them when I had DD. Worse with DS. One is getting married in April, I missed her engagement party because DD was sick, I still haven't even met her DF. The girl who was my best friend once, and my closest friend for a good part of my life, got engaged on Christmas Eve. I've never met her DF either. The tough thing is realising that I don't know if I can go to the bridal shower or wedding because kids aren't invited and DS is so young. It hurts to realise how distant I am, that the other two are bridesmaids and I'm still trying to work out how I can even be a guest.
On the other side though, I know how wonderful my brother is. He and his DF are only 26, but they're brilliant with the kids and would step up in a heartbeat if they had to. I've met a gorgeous girl through work with a boy only 6 months older than DD, and they go to the same daycare. A young family with a girl and a boy just a bit older than ours moved in next door and they're great. It's all changing, and there are more as DD gets older and interacts with more people. Best of all is a guy at DH's work, who is essentially his best mate now, who has a lovely wife and son just a bit younger than DD. We're planning a holiday with them in Feb.
So it's not at all what I expected - I thought there might be someone at least, one of DH's friends or one of mine, who did this whole family thing at a similar time to us. But nearly three years later and the weddings are just starting, kids are a long way off. But the new friendships are good, and I just try to remember that as DD and DS make friends there'll be parents to meet, people at sports practice etc. I think that although my 'village' is different than I expected, it's growing and in some cases it's getting stronger.
my playgroup (these women are awesome. One of the women is going through a messy divorce, and she commented that M overshopped for xmas, and dropped off boxes of food at her place, and R found a bag of clothes, new with tags, that her boys had grown out of)
my younger sister
and our daycare. Yeah its a bit sad that we have to employ our village, but we have noone else to help out (my family are all busy raising my older sisters children for her to visit mine more than a few times a year)
My mum is my main stay. She watches the kids, does all the ferrying around if I'm at work, will pitch in with homework if need be and still finds time to throw a load or two of washing through.
My cousin is my shoulder to cry on. She's got kids the same age and will watch mine in a pinch.
I've got several good friends who will step in at moments notice. One recently came to DD11 assembly straight from night shift when the morning of we realized no one else was going to make it and she was getting an award.
My sister lives just around the corner but works a demanding office job but, maternity leave starts for her soon so I think we'll see more of her then.
I have no village. I have a couple of old friends but they don't live near me and they are in a different part of life - single guys in the city vs married mum in the country. I have some friends around here but none I would ever ask for any sort of help. I used to have BB as my village but I wreaked that with my constant whinging and complaining and oversharing so it is just DH and I.
I think about this often. Only a generation or two ago people tended to stay in their home towns and had family around, cousins for the kids to play with etc. My MIL was just saying over Christmas that when she was a SAHM there was never a boring day because they were all friends with the neighbours and there were siblings and parents around to visit/come around and the kids grew up knowing their family well. Compared to now when more people move away for work or whatever and live away from family. My kids are growing up isolated with no close bonds to anyone outside our immediate family. They see their grandparents maybe 2 or 3 times a year. It doesn't seem right to me, but there is not much we can do about it because where we live is dictated by work availability.
Like others have mentioned, having my first baby at 23 none of my friends from back then were having kids. Over the years since having my DS I have developed a pretty awesome village. My mum's group is a big part of my village - we meet up regularly and are so amazing at supporting each other and sharing resources. The amount of baby equipment and clothes that has been shared around is great! I have a one or two other mumma friends who live nearby that I see, and then I have some pretty amazing friends who don't live close, but are always only a text away if I need a vent, etc. My parents live close by too, so they are pretty great babysitters - though not as readily available as I imagined they'd be. My MIL comes and visits every couple of weeks too, and she is really good at that hands on stuff around the house that needs doing (she often hangs out my washing without being asked). So, I guess your village changes and evolves over time. I imagine as DS starts school I'll gradually make some new school mum friends too.
I honestly don't know what I'd do without my village. They are the reason for my sanity!
Nothing like a cuddle from DD after a hard day's work!
Oct 2007
in my own world
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Re: Who and what makes up your village?
My village has changed quite a bit during the last 10 years.
Became closer to different friends and since dd2 was born, me and my besties relationship changed and was very sad that it happened (wont go into details)
However, she sent me a mug which read "good friends are like stars, you wont see them all the time but you know they are always there"
I miss her friendship but we just dont have much in common anymore
My village now is a group of friends whom all had kids around dd2 and of course my family.
I just wrote a whole lot and realised I had managed to just write about me! Two friends, one close one, have moved and I miss them even though we didn't have much time to see each other anyway. So it's something that is on my mind too having just the other day needing emergency help with my children.
At the moment my village is depleted. Family is not there (my fault for moving) and no long term friends for the same reason. DS 1 starts school soon, and DS 2 will be at kinder. I know I'm not the easiest person to make friends with. I hope you start feeling more loved and surrounded by like minds soon.
When my kids were younger, I had a circle of friends from their school but I'm the only one still in this area now so I hardly see them these days.
These days, my mum, sister and I all share the load. We live within walking distance of each other so the kids all come and go from houses as they please. They are lucky that they have that, not many kids/parents do nowadays.
My village is mainly family. We are extremely close with both sides. My immediate family, and DH's immediate family plus DH's uncles and their families. His aunties are a lot younger than his parents so they it between the same age groups and we have children of a similar age. These people are the ones I can rely on in a heart beat. I can leave dd with them if ever I needed to, know that she is safe and happy. I can vent to them, relax with them and share life with them.
I have some close friends, but the ones I catch up with the most are ones with children. The girls my own age aren't ready for children yet and so that changes the dynamics a bit.
Thinking about this makes me really sad. I think before we had children, I believed that having children would bring this closeness that would be gained from meeting people when I was pregnant, making new couple friends going through the same. Meeting new parents at playgroup, school, and have this disney like friendships and group. I even believed that it would bring family together.
In reality, having our first child seem to push us out of our then current 'village'. When she was born I felt so isolated and alone. The few I had met whilst pregnant didn't become friends and slowly old friendships drifted away. Sure the long term friends are there, but the friendship is different and I honestly don't think they are as close as they once were.
Family wise, we are more distant from the extended family then ever before. I thought change would happen, closer relationship with the mother in law, that we would have that disney relationship. But I was wrong.
In reality, our village is us (dh, me, our children), two friends (who happened to be married to each other, so one family), the in laws and dh's aunt and uncle, and one of my aunts and a cousin. Even then it's a distant village that is widespread.
I don't think I have a village. I find it really hard to rely on anyone and ever ask or depend on anyone to help or support me I am fiercely independent. In sayng that 99% of the time I am fine with that. In saying that I have had a few occasions were I have had to open my gates up to allow help but it makes me uncomfortable and I find I can't relax.
When it comes to friends, I have a couple of good friends, none that I new from growing up though. I also have one friend that I don't get to see very often and miss dearly and I wish could be part of my village but we are at differnt stages of life and things just don't work out.
I have yet to make any friends with mums from the girls daycare, my own fault though as I don't really open up to people easily.
So I don't have a village but I have something, what that is I don't know but I know exactly why I am this way because I was not always like this. This also got confirmed for me last year when DD1 was in hospital but that is a whole other topic.
Last edited by Kazzo; January 6th, 2014 at 08:45 AM.
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Who and what makes up your village?
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