Why I leave my baby to cry...

[JLeigh29]

So well put and I totally agree. I find it hard to assert my views about this on BB because as soon as you DON'T mention feeding/cuddling to sleep or co-sleeping, a lot of people immediately think you advocate CIO. I also think that a few minutes of crying doesn't mean you advocate CIO. DS was the same as you describe, I could cuddle him all day every day and he'd still cry. He never slept anywhere near as well on/near us as when he was in his own space and because he spent every waking hour in our arms, I needed that space! We cuddled him to sleep when he was young, then rocked, patted, sat with him, whatever... I slowly started leaving just that tiny bit before he was asleep and now he points to the door if I outstay my welcome (which is about 1 minute, lol!). I constantly get comments about what an awesome sleeper he is, but we NEVER let him CIO and would never try it as it seems to be portrayed. I first read about CIO in gentle parenting books and it sounded horrific, but self settling is a totally different ball park and by far the best gift I have given my DS.

[onthefly]

self settling is a totally different ball park and by far the best gift I have given my DS.

Really? Why's that?

[Arcadia]

Self settling is another label I think is problematic. The variables are too great and what one person sees as self settling another would see as partially comforted etc.

I can see how self settling is great, but it's not a prescription for all sleep issues, and certainly does not suit all personality types.

My 3 year old still needs me to sit with her to sleep...it's my favorite part of our day

[Cranky Kitten]

Well put! There is a world of difference between CC/CIO and following your bub's cues for some peace and quiet to drift off to sleep. I did something sort of similar with DD when she was little, where if she woke during the night I wouldn't necessarily race in to her at the slightest grizzle, but would instead wait a minute or two, listening. If she continued with just muttering and so on, I'd leave her to it - most of the time she'd mutter and grizzle a bit then go back to sleep. But if the sound of her crying changed to a more insistent note, I'd go to her.

DS on the other hand is a bit hit and miss at this stage - sometimes he'll let me put him down drowsy but awake and he'll drift off on his own, other times he prefers to feed to sleep. It's early days, but I figure it's up to him and I'll just roll with it. Seems to be working so far

[Miss.B]

I was one of those mothers that just couldn't put my LO to bed crying. I'm too soft, I know, but I have also heard over and over again how very tiny babies just don't know how to comfort themselves so it's necessary for the parent to settle them. I have a GF who has done the CC on both her kids, so when DS was around 8-9 months, I thought I'd give a tiny go, but only leave DS crying for few minutes (well actually it probably wasn't more than 2 or 3 at the most! lol) and then I would go in a re settle him. I found that he still preferred to be settled completely by me, ie by rocking him to sleep, which was fine, but then one day he just learned to self settle himself and I thought, hooray!!!. I think one must do what he/she feels comfortable in doing and also what works for the LO.

[RhiChiChi]

Well, you know, it's one of those things. There's information and there's responding to your specific circumstances. Ultimately only parents can know what their kids need. The problem comes when we are not in touch with our kids and our instincts and try to override or ignore those things, following arbitrary advice from some book (or whatever).
So, although none of us are perfect and we will all get things wrong from time to time, if we are in touch with our kids' needs and our instincts, then we will most likely muddle through in a fairly satisfactory manner. Having said that, it does also tend to help to have good information as well when making decisions.

So I'm glad you've found a way you're happy with.

I think if we all just ditched the labels (CC or CIO) people could be more accepting of alot more. Because although there are a couple of EXTREME books out there promoting very firm guidelines; in 'my' experience most people use adaptive approaches that suit themselves and their children, and usually only after exhausting all other avenues.

I agree with both of these posts. I think it is important to understand your child/ren and use whatever method is best for you & them. It is great to have different information and opinions too. Most of the time parents either need a different POV of support to know they are doing the right thing for THEIR family.

From what you posted Bloom, that is exactly what you have done and your little one is content with that.

[JLeigh29]

I was one of those mothers that just couldn't put my LO to bed crying.

Me too! DS never went to bed crying. As you said, if he grizzled, I didn't go in, but if that escalated into crying, I'd go in. I couldn't stand to leave him upset - 2-3 mins is my max. But, if I did go in, I wouldn't automatically pick him up and cuddle him to sleep. We'd cuddle, pat, soothe etc and when he was calm, drowsy and happy, out I'd go. Sometimes I'd have to go back in, sometimes not. It wasn't an overnight thing, and it wasn't as if he was a newborn. I am talking about an 8 month old baby.

Mad B - Oooh, good call! I know this answer will not adequately explain my stance, but here goes.... Don't get me wrong, I didn't 'make' DS self settle. He did it himself, when he was ready and when I felt he was developmentally ready as well. Part of my role as a parent is to help my LO's be the best they can be, to help give them the skills they need to be productive, happy, healthy, resilient members of society. And to help them to get on in life, on their own - to see that life with mum/family/a partner/ children etc is fantastic, but that they don't NEED those things to be happy iykwim. He's not going to know and get that 'til he's well into adulthood. But it's like building a house - I'm giving him the foundations now and a skill to practise. Sleep is essential for our bodies for so many reasons and having a well rested bub means he can gain and retain new skills more easily, enjoy his awake time more happily etc How many adults are poor sleepers? I don't think I'm being 'mean' or 'cruel' by helping my DS gain a skill he WILL need when he's older. I think I'm attending to his needs in the best way that works for me, my marriage and DS. If another parent chooses to co-sleep, pat/rock/feed to sleep, then that's their choice. As long as they are happy with that. Unfortunately, I think a lot of parent's do the latter because they think they'll be judged harshly otherwise or don't know of any alternatives other than letting their LO scream hysterically. However, if it's what you want to do and it works and it makes you happy, go for it! It's the same as any other parenting choice, it's just that, a choice. It's not cruel or wrong, just different. Same as the choice to vaccinate/not vaccinate or what foods you give your LO's and the whole plethora of other parenting choices we make every day. None of these choices are taken lightly by me, or by others. I pay attention to DS' interests, needs and wants, speak to lots of people, read lots of literature and make my choices accordingly - exactly as you said. And those choices evolve and change everyday, as my understanding changes too. I love the way I parent, I think I am a pretty darn good parent and I am proud to say that out loud!

Ultimately, I think most people agree here, that we all do what's best for us and our LO's, using the best knowledge and understanding we have. The only difference is in what 'the best' is for each of us. Wouldn't the world be boring if everybody had exactly the same knowledge, thoughts and opinions on everything?!

[onthefly]

Well who likes to go to bed unhappy?

Thanks JL - I see you also answered this in my other thread about self settling

Obviously we do need to learn to self regulate - my understanding is that we teach children this by soothing them. Eventually - when they are developmentally ready - they are able to do it themselves. I think the 'issue' I have with the whole self settling thing is the presumption that you must teach your baby to do this. As you point out, however, it's a developmental stage that all children will arrive at at different times. And of course there is a difference between a baby that shuts down and gives up when left to cry in distress, and a child that has learned to soothe themselves.
For individual children, parents may find different ways of helping them learn - as opposed to forcing or teaching - as you and others have stated. I make no comment on individual parent's decisions or actions - I certainly do not presume to know what their children need.

I do take issue with some of the 'advice' that is commonly bandied around, however - you have to let them cry, you have to teach them, etc. The other thing I take issue with is the idea that comforting your child to sleep might somehow delay this development. Speaking *generally*, I believe the evidence would suggest the exact opposite - when you comfort your child you are teaching them how to soothe themselves.

But I apologise for going off topic here

[Maruschke]

There's a happy medium in here somewhere.

I also think some mothers have helped their kids learn bad habits that are distressing to break, and can be the result of many tears, but totally necessary to break. I have no problem with kids expressing some sadness and anxiety going through that process.

[Fleur]

What you are describing doesn't sound like the CIO that many books discuss, which involves leaving your baby for increasing periods of time, up to an hour by a certain age, and not 'giving in'. Many babies vomit from crying, or loose trust in their parent and sob themselves to sleep.

You listened to your baby and followed your instinct. I think that is different from people telling parents to just leave their babies to sort themselves out by going out of ear shot of the child.

I think if we all just ditched the labels (CC or CIO) people could be more accepting of alot more. Because although there are a couple of EXTREME books out there promoting very firm guidelines; in 'my' experience most people use adaptive approaches that suit themselves and their children, and usually only after exhausting all other avenues.

I agree. I also agree with the PPs who said that most people find a happy medium that works for them.
What worries me is that some people (I may have been one of them, once) don't understand that there are 50 billion shades of grey involving all kinds of ways that work for different families..and that think if you aren't getting enough sleep, you have one option, to shut your baby in a room on their own. My wish is that every new parent would be told all the variations there are - or even better, none of them at all! - and told trust your instinct, and do what works for you.

I do take issue with some of the 'advice' that is commonly bandied around, however - you have to let them cry, you have to teach them, etc. The other thing I take issue with is the idea that comforting your child to sleep might somehow delay this development. Speaking *generally*, I believe the evidence would suggest the exact opposite - when you comfort your child you are teaching them how to soothe themselves.

Yes, that

[~Raven~]

I think there is a difference between lettling them self settle with a bit of a cry and leaving a distressed baby to CIO.

[bec293]

You are doing what works for you. But to say leaving a baby to cry alone to sleep is gentle parenting, it sounds like you are maybe trying to justify what you are doing, and you don't need to. If it works for you that's great, but in my opinion it's not actually gentle parenting. There's no need to label what you do.

[Bloom]

Bec, yes labels can be problematic.

I guess what I am saying it that I still consider myself in the realm of gentle parenting and that I still fit in here, even if the way that my gentle parenting expresses itself it different to most others on here.

If you consider it not to be gentle parenting, then what would be the gentle parenting response to a child who will settle quickest to sleep when tired by crying by themselves (given I had tried every comforting suggestion I had received).

Is it more gentle to hold them while they cry, but then make them cry for longer?

[delphmoon]

[QUOTE=Bloom;3010105

Is it more gentle to hold them while they cry, but then make them cry for longer?[/QUOTE]

Hmm.

For my DD, I would think its more 'gentle' to be held than left to cry alone, but I understand every child is different. It worries me that some parents expect too much of their babies/toddlers and forget that it does take some emotional intelligence and coping mechanisms to 'self settle'. These are only just developing in OLDER toddlers so I don't see any point in leaving them to cry until their old enough to understand ITMS.

[veus]

Thank you for your post Bloom. I'm at the stage trialling different techniques. Always felt guilty when the thought of self-settling comes in mind.