Wow something it hurts to think about but important at the same time to work through.
My mum died 13 years ago when I was single and at university so well before parenthood was on the horizon for me! I agree with the feelings of feeling unsupported. I had got used to not having that unconditionally love and having mum things done for me but now that I have low days where I sometimes feel I cannot cope, I get jealous of my friends whose mums pop round and do their laundry or cook for them etc. I know for a fact that I shut off a whole jot of my emotions when mum died. I tend to be quite cold now as a sort of defence against losing someone again and that hurt and I hope this doesn't affect my son though I do try to stop being that way. I sort of try and assuage the pain by remembering all the potential conflicts I would have had with mum over parenting. She didn't believe in breastfeeding etc however deep down she would have supported me and would have changed her opinion with knowledge but it sort of makes it easier for me to believe I am not so badly off without her around. I guess we do what makes it hurt less and we will never know any different