Controlled Crying/Comforting: Did You Do It & Did It Work Out For You?

[AnyDream]

I too would like to point out that there is a massive difference between controlled comforting techniques & more extreme forms of controlled crying and CIO techniques.

While I'm loving reading people waxing lyrical about how unnecessary sleep training is, I very much doubt that they have reached the point where they are so sleep deprived that they are hallucinating, falling asleep in the car while they are driving, having manic episodes or panic attacks, losing their short-term memory, or becoming severely depressed. Trust me, unless you have been to any of those places and stayed there for weeks or even months, you don't know diddly about what sleep deprivation really is.

There have been 3 studies released in the past year that all conclude that sleep deprivation causes brain damage. As in actual loss of cells in the brain. If people are able to balance their sleep loss and maintain "gentle parenting" techniques, all power to them. But others, no matter how gentle or attached they want to be, can not. Their sleep deprivation is too severe, their coping-ness is long gone, and all the gentle techniques in the world are not going to help them cope.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Marydean, I got that sleep deprived with Liebs. He was fine with 2 hours sleep in 24. I was unable to walk in a straight line and stopped driving for a few months. Took the bus to work, or walked instead.

Yet because I was locked in my room, scared and crying (yes, I do remember being 2-3yo as well as when the 6yo nightmares kicked in), I chose not to punish Liebs for being a small child with needs. And I still don't.

Yes, my parenting choice and others choose differently. Not saying you can't. But I am very passionate about raising a mentally healthy child, rather than another me, so will not apologise for my choice.

[PumpkinZulu]

Actually I did teach the point of hallucinating, falling asleep literally on my feet. I daydreamed about chucking DD1 out of the second story window. My relationship was abusive, and I was pregnant with DD2. I didn't use CIO. Not because I'm a supermum with a superiority complex, but because to me, it is unnatural and wrong to teach a baby to sleep with tough 'love'. So yeah.

[Teeki]

I think this is where your coping mechanisms come into it, and they're not just how you personally cope with little or no sleep, it's how you cope with baby in everyday life, what resources do you have to help? Sleep is important to everyone, and I think it's understandable and reasonable that it becomes a focus for mums - you need your sleep!

But if you're not getting the sleep you need, why aren't you? Because baby wakes every half hour at night and only sleeps on you during the day? I've been there more than once, and got to the point of sitting up at night with baby, hallucinating and falling asleep. Not ideal. But why are you the only one dealing with this? Dad can step up - sure he has to work the next day, but the next day Mum will be looking after the most precious member of the family and needs to function too. It's teamwork, helping you both get sleep - not all the sleep for dad and none for mum.

One answer could be to use cc to get your baby to sleep, and therefore you. Personally, even if it has worked for others, it's not for me, not for my DH and not for my kids. I've read too much about the negative impacts of it and I do believe there are damaged adults now as a result of extreme cio used when they were kids.

Anyway, if you're at that point of exhaustion and needing sleep, what else can you do? Get help. Use outside coping mechanisms and support - if baby will only sleep on you it doesn't need to be *you*. Why not Grandma or DH while you sleep? Why not take baby to bed and both get sleep? Forget the house work. I sure did. We decided early on that I would handle nights because DH had to go to work but you know what? The next day I need to look after one or two kids and function properly too. So if the night is so bad that even bed-sharing won't work, DH takes DS and I sleep for a few hours. DH does housework if I can't. My mum has brought me shopping and done laundry. It has all helped get past that exhaustion until I can function again. And in the meantime, neither baby has been left to cry, wondering why no one is coming.

[Marley&Me]

I certainly don't view CC as 'punishment'. I'm unsure as to what some people define CC as. You are still using gentle settling techniques, rubbing, patting, shooshing in the process. It's just using techniques that enable your baby to fall asleep without your aid. Yes you let them cry for short periods, but if your consistent it doesn't take long. For example if dd would wake I would roll her slightly on her side, facing away from me. Then patting her bum or rubbing her back I would sooth her back to sleep. The difference being that she wasn't having direct eye contact or being picked up whenever she woke. Yes she still needed me to get her back to sleep, but in subtle ways. After a few days she didn't need my help. Mainly because she no longer had trouble getting to sleep in the first place. She grizzled at first, but slept soundly after because she knew I would be there when she woke. As a result she was much more settled during the day and a much happier rested baby. And I highly doubt that my dd will be 'mentally unhealthy' because of a few days of crying. If anything she is growing into a highly independent little ray of sunshine
'Babies need sleep' Best piece of advice I was ever given.

[Teeki]

See I don't see it as punishment at all Tasha, and it sounds like you've worked out what works for your DD. My DS was similar when he was younger, if I got to him early he kind of just needed to know I was there, I'd put my hands around him like a hug. Hard to describe but I'd just hold him in his cot and he went straight back to sleep. I realised I was actually waking him up more and it would take longer if I'd get him out to feed him.

What I'm uncomfortable with is cio, just leaving a baby to cry until they're asleep. Because why did they eventually go to sleep? Did they just realise you're not coming so there's no point calling for you?

[Joeve]

Yep I think that's the problem with interchangeably using controlled comforting and CIO.

I believe they are very different things. For me controlled comforting my DD at 11 months, by patting, shuuushing and being there with her without picking her up was the key change from my previous times of picking her up and sticking her on my boob til she fell back to sleep. Yes she still cried there was no getting away from that or how it upset me but the intervals for crying without direct mummy contact were small. Again not for everyone. And it wasn't for me up til that night I started either!
CIO to me means leaving a baby or toddler or child to cry without intervention until they fall asleep.

[onthefly]

See, that's the thing, none of us are perfect. We all make compromises as a parent - sometimes necessary, sometimes purely by choice. It's just part of life. But we draw the line at different spots and in different ways and partly that's because of our own experiences and knowledge, and partly it's because of what we are physically able to do.
Rather than withholding comfort/company in the night, I've been able to get help from others at those times when I was driving myself off the road, etc.
And yes, the point of CIO is that you're training your baby to give up calling for you. There are lots of things in between though, which is where things get confused.

[HotI]

Yes you let them cry for short periods, but if your consistent it doesn't take long.

I'm glad that you found something that worked for you two, and didn't take too long to make changes. Maybe some babies respond quicker than others to certain techniques, and therefore the risk of any potential negative effects would be low. I really doubt that it would have worked for my first two kids, particularly in a short time, and without long term effects. It's not just parent coping mechanisms to consider, but the child's.

[Teeki]

I completely agree with you HotI that it also depends on the child's coping mechanisms.

DS wakes up quietly, shifts around trying to settle himself and if it doesn't work he yells out for me. He waits, doesn't get worked up and doesn't cry. However, if I don't pick him up when he needs it he will cry. If I just shush and pat him, it's not what he wants so he gets agitated. There's no point in me leaving him in bed, it would take forever to re-settle him and might not work anyway. I may as well feed him so I can get back to sleep too.

DD always woke crying. She was upset from the get-go and needed a feed to get to sleep. She would get inconsolable if I left her, even if I picked her up without feeding, and DH couldn't do anything because he doesn't have the boobs. Even 'mild' cc wouldn't have worked for her without a lot of stress on everyone.

[Em_325]

I think there are definitely some terminology differences. To me CIO is leaving your baby to cry till they fall asleep and eventually give up calling for you. I thought controlled comforting was when you went in and out of the room e.g letting them cry for 10 minutes then going in resettling and then letting them cry again etc until they self settled. I don't pick DS up in the night if he is only doing his grizzly cry as I know he just needs a bit of help transitioning to the next sleep cycle so I pop his dummy back in and rock him back to sleep in his hammock. Sometimes he also doesn't need me and likes to grizzle himself to sleep. I stay in the room with him but he doesn't need me to do anything I just see it as his way of getting comfy as he will grizzle and squirm until he finds the position he wants to be in and he is out like a light. If however he does his proper I am not happy and I need you Mum cry I am straight there and do pick him up. It's leaving them to cry like that, that I won't do as I know my son and if he is crying like that something is wrong (usually wind pain) and he needs me to help him through it.

[CoNNiE_Melb]

For me, I found there were different levels of crying. With both boys, I would put them down, if they were just sort of protest and grizzling (not really crying), I would leave them for a while. 98% of the time, they would go off to sleep within 5 minutes.
If the grizzling escalated into full blown crying, I would go in and pick them up and calm them down. Once calm, I would put them down, and start the process again.

I found that being in their face while they were trying to unwind, just stimulated them further and made things worse. These days, the sooner I get out of there, the better.

I firmly believe that they are both great sleepers as a result of this. Now I know that if either are calling out in the middle of the night, they genuinely need something (other than to be settled back to sleep).

I don't feel what we've done is cruel, or teaches the kids we won't come when they need us. They're both very happy, well rested, content and loving boys!

[trishalishous]

Something Ive found really interesting with my mummy acquantance, is that the ones who swore by sleep training have had to do it a few times as after a few weeks/months their LO is waking just as much again!
And then theres my boy, who put me through 10 months of waking every 45min around the clock, and starting the day at 3am. Now he sleeps 7/8-6/7 and Ive done nothing apart from meet his needs over the last long 10 months (and catch 30 mins sleep on the couch while the kids watch TV beside me whenever I can), so anecdotally, the sleep training has made them worse sleepers in the long run.
(ignoring my nieces who were (and one still is shut in her room at 7am to scream herself to sleep) CIO and at nearly 8 yo have nightmares and dont sleep well at all)

[jellybean88]

I think it works for some babies and some it doesn't you just have to play it by ear and learn their cries too if there panicking there not gonna settle it will just escalate but if it's just a last hurrah type protest then I'll wait it out a bit and keep an eye on the time but I don't do this until about 10 months before that I don't do controlled crying

[Starfish]

I voted "never tried it". I love comforting my bub to sleep and having him sleep on me, etc. However, I know that not many people share my view.
Whatever works for you.