Self settling - What's the big deal?

[Heaven]

This suits my laziness perfectly To me, feeding bub back to sleep at night next to me is the lazy option.. .cos it's quick and easy. There's no way I'd stand over a cot patting patting patting. UGH.

Oh totally!!!! Whenever someone tells me I should be teaching her to sleep through the night I'm thinking 'I really could not be bothered'

[PumpkinZulu]

I honestly believe this is a big part of it. Letting go of any expectations. Trouble is with sleep being one of the first things asked about, it makes us question what our babies are doing. I think the only thing I expected of my children is that they'd put themselves to sleep one day... and that they'd sleep right through the night one day. hehe.

I was a bit the same with toilet training. I was pretty certain they'd be out of nappies before going to school So I had no stress with trying to toilet train them to other people's expectations/schedules. There really is very little training needed when they're ready! Same goes for sleep.. when they're ready to sleep alone and settle themselves, there's no training needed.

This suits my laziness perfectly To me, feeding bub back to sleep at night next to me is the lazy option.. .cos it's quick and easy. There's no way I'd stand over a cot patting patting patting. UGH. I think we just need to debunk the myth of this rod for our backs and drop the expectations of these poor little bubs that are just doing what they do!

Agree 100% Having no expectations is the absolute best thing we have done with DD.

[Beach Mama]

I think we just need to debunk the myth of this rod for our backs and drop the expectations of these poor little bubs that are just doing what they do!

I think there is a bit of a fine line for some people though of understanding that yes this is what babies do and when it gets to the point that the mama can't physically do it anymore. I was way less worried with DS about timing feeds etc and completely went with the flow with feeds, between 4-8 mths he wke 1-2 hourly, NEVER more than 2 hourly during this 4 mth period of time. I was depressed, forgetful, had no energy for my DD, and my personality changed to the point that I was absolutely rude and awful to the people I loved the most. I couldn't' keep it up, I was more than happy to feed him to sleep which I did until he was 17 mths old, however I couldn't maintain doing it 1-2 hourly. Co-sleeping might have changed that but we didn't want to do that so it wasn't an option for us, however I think being woken from a deep sleep would still have been an issue(not going to argue that it doesn't and that co-sleeping means you stay asleep etc. coz I have heard it all before and clearly it's too late for that for us now! )

I guess what I am saying in my experience and people I know is that although we knew that babies do this, that their tummies are tiny, that they need our comfort, all of that can be known and understood but when you feel like you are living in hell for months at a time and don't know how to do it anymore something has to give.

[LuluHB]

I think so much of what is "right" depends on the particular child. My DD1 was a great sleeper after about 3 months. She was sleeping through, good naps, self settling etc. Brilliant. Then DD2 came along and she has some medical issues, part of which manifests as extreme anxiety. If I wasn't feeding or cuddling her to sleep she just screamed. Not cried, not grizzled but full on screamed until she would vomit uncontrollably and eventually pass out with extreme exhaustion. There is no way she could self settle because mentally and emotionally she just couldn't handle it. The downside (other than the obvious!) is that because she was getting so much of my attention DD1 regressed. It has taken until relatively recently that I can put my daughters to bed (they share a bed), read them a story, give them kisses and cuddles and actually walk away. I don't think my DD's inability to self settle before then is a reflection of my abilities as a mother, or an indication of how "good" she is. Its just what it is.

Now they are both great. If they're scared through the night then they come in with us, but TBH I would hate it if they didn't turn to us for comfort when they're upset. I think its pretty normal.

Anyway, very waffly but I think its important to remember that babies are little individuals, and what works for one might not work for another and what's "right" should be whatever keeps harmony and happiness in the house.

[Jellyfish]

Don't fix what isn't broken, if it works then it works.

My DD is still fed to sleep (2years 8months) although she can settle on her own and does so at my parents or her Dad's as well as overnight. I know I could change things but don't really see much point in stopping feeding to sleep when I'm not planning to stop feeding altogether... use it while I can right? At my parent's and her Dad's, she just naturally transitioned from being rocked, to being layed with to having them sit with her (the rocking lasted till she was 18months or so though). She seems to prefer her own space when falling asleep now and likes my parents/her Dad to be distracted with something else so they will be in the room with her but on the laptop or reading a book, not even sure if that even counts as self settling? Ah well haha.

My DD has only just sleeping through more often than not in the last couple of months. The first year of her life she was up feeding 2hrly at least (and taking 40minutes+ to feed as a newborn eek) and was still waking ~4 times a night at 2 for feeds but it never really bothered me. Always said I'm glad I had her young when I was already used to sleeping very little haha so I just went with it.

I did start trying to settle her differently overnight recently (about a month ago) as we are about to welcome another little lady and figured logistically, trying to accomidate two overnight would be beyond me (DD was waking once or twice still most nights and feeding back to sleep). She was ready though and didn't really fight it, we had one resettle where it took 40minutes and that was the only time there were a few tears... it almost killed me but I knew it would be worse if I left it till the baby was here and had to say 'no' for that reason, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I taught her to resettle, she figured out how to do that on her own way before then, I was more letting her know it was time for her to use it when Mummy was around too. I still actually feel a bit weird about it as if it wasn't for this baby, I would never have encouraged things to change but she seems okay and considering it was just that one time, I'm sure she was probably ready. That being said when she woke, I was still there rubbing her back or patting her bottom or laying with her so not self-settling anyway, it was just that after a few nights of doing that she stopped calling out for us and falling back asleep herself more often than not.

Sleep does seem like a big issue in the baby world, it is unfortunate that some parent's probably feel pressured because of these expectations. Oh and don't even mention the fact DD still shares our room although in her own bed but often ends up in with us just without us noticing till morning lol. Actually, the thing I told my parents I want to invest in for the new baby when they ask what we need is just a bigger bed!

[Liz]

I don't think anyone is talking about 'right' and 'wrong'. We all agree that we all do what we need to do. I think the only thing I would openly say is wrong is CIO. Don't care how judgmental I am on that one LOL. There's so much out there about the effect this has on baby's brain development and emotional well being. But the subject of this thread is questioning why this self settling thing is such a big deal, and why so many people strive to attain it, when quite possibly going along with baby's needs could well be what could work for their family, instead of this eternal 'fight' to get them to self settle.

For us, I've never considered the baby as the one that 'had to give'. DD1 was depriving me of sleep something chronic in the early days. She was very colicky and just wouldn't stay asleep. She would also only sleep propped over a cushion on her tummy. So for us, getting through this took DH sacrificing a night of sleep here and there to let me sleep. He'd stay up (playing xbox all night.. hah.. some sacrifice!) and bring her in for feeds only. We weren't happy to let her sleep on her tummy unsupervised. This would let me catch up and I'd be good to go for another few days or so. This didn't last forever, and she went back to self settling until the next developmental leaps where that all fell apart! We also had DS still waking and coming in to sleep with us at the time, and he was still breastfeeding too. Mum has always been a good help too letting me fall asleep on the lounge while she watches the kids. As is always said.. that village is so so important in helping us to cope with these little people. It's not a one man show. If I had to do absolutely everything with no help catching some zz's to keep going, then yeah, I'd crack at some point.

[KitFaerie]

I think the other thing is that I don't self-settle. I don't sleep well at all if DH isn't in bed with me, and I'm not above waking him up for a hug if I have a bad dream. I'd be devastated if he turned to me one night and told me it was time I learned to self settle!

[kateo]

Oops,
I think I may accidently have taught young Harry to self settle. He is a very cruisy baby so far (10 weeks) and I am well aware the wheels could fall off at any time.
Our sleep routine is that he wakes up during the day and feeds then has a play of some sort (often involving a pram ride to check horses or the mail etc). When he starts to look tired I wrap him up give him a dummy and pop him in the bassinet where he listens to his musical mobile and usually sttles himself off to sleep in about 10 mins. Sometimes he grizzles and I have to pop the dummy back in. Sometimes he cries and I give him a bit more of a breast feed and then he sleeps.
I didn't have a plan or a real idea I just did what seemed OK for us both. Sometimes he has a little grizzle in his sleep but I tend to ignore that unless he sounds distressed. He usually does a few grizzles then falls asleep again.
Currently he sleeps from a feed about 10pm wakes about 3am then sleeps from about 4am-7am. I know this will change. Sometimes in the morning he needs me to pop a dummy back in or just reach in and rub his tummy........all good as far as I can see.
I am very paranoid about Sids as I already have one angel so I haven't been brave enough to co-sleep although it seems like a very attractive idea.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Master 5 asked me just last night -but why do I have to make myself go to sleep, cant you stay with me? When I thought about my answers- because you have to, or, because we want some adult time, with out you and your brother. they sounded mean, selfish and not fair -from a 5 yr old point of view.
Our boys do go to sleep much faster if I stay in their room with them til they are asleep- but for how long must 1 do this? At what point do they start to do this themselves? And I know not all kids are like this, but mine are, always have been

[Cherished]

I have laid down with ds at every nap and bed time since he was born (minus a handful of times when dh was there instead of me) and I often think that maybe I should at least give self settling a go but I just can't bare to miss out on even one opportunity to cuddle my little man to sleep! it is the most beautiful thing in the world and 'the' most special gift that ds gives me as a mother. That time I have with him when he goes to sleep and wakes up is the best and I don't want to give it up for anything. Self settling is not a problem unless I can't be there, right? and in time when he's ready and calm and wont be distressed he can go to sleep by himself (if I let him) hehehehe Gotta get my baby snuggles while he still wants to give them to me Plus I think it's the most natural thing in the world for ds to want to be safe and warm snuggled up to his mummy... JMO

[BlackRose]

Nawwww cherished, that's just beautiful

DS has self settled since 3months. But now I can't remember what I did to help that happen. All I remember is the nights just kept getting longer and longer in between going to bed and waking up. Now I'm starting to think about the joys of having a newborn and all that sleep deprivation and I can't remember what I did for DS (other than feeding to sleep, rocking, wrapping and white noise). I guess I was lucky with DS. I hope the next one is an awesome sleeper!

[onthefly]

Thanks all
Just to clarify, definitely not looking for people to justify their personal decisions, just really curious about the obsession with self settling. You know, where did the idea come from? Why is it so important? Is it about the parents, or the child, or both?

[Beach Mama]

I guess I might have come across as justifying or thinking there was a slight taint of "right/wrong" self righteousness is some posts (all my perception I think, not sure there was anything overtly there ) but I guess I was just getting across the fact that for me and lots of people I know, there is a strong focus on getting some rest.

The focus has been on helping our kids sleep for longer stretches for the reasons I mentioned before, not for any other reason than purely because of the sleep deprivation factor. I would imagine there would be others in the same boat.

I loved feeding my kids to sleep, cuddling them til they dropped off, but there did come a time when for me, I couldn't do it all the time anymore and needed to find a way to help my kids get more rest, as well as getting me more rested as well! Not sure if I have expressed myself the way I am trying to but I do know my post previously came across a bit defensive for that reason. Off to think a bit more before I blurt again!

[Eenee]

I wish DD would self settle, during the day at least. At night she generally feeds to sleep even if I have to feed her every hour or more, no biggie. But during the day she will not even sleep if I lay with her or feed her or rock her or whatever and I'm left with one grizzly baby that does nothing but cry. So I'm left to drive her around til she falls asleep, which now during summer I can't do cos of our open garage as it gets too hot, any ideas???

[JLeigh29]

What I've read says that self settling is related to self soothing, which in turn is related to resilience. ie not needing someone (or something) to 'soothe' you every time you fall over, have a headache, can't sleep, things don't go the way you want them to etc All the skills that we want to have as adults. I'm not sure exactly how that is relevant to a small child, but that is what I've read.

Having said that, as a parent, one of my 'jobs' is to raise someone who can function in the world, on their own when they need to. Just like we teach our kids to eat with a spoon or fork, even though we could sit with them at every meal and spoon or put the food into their mouths for them, it's because we want them to be able to do for themselves. Having said that, it's a developmental thing and we don't persist with a spoon/fork, withholding all other means of eating from our children until they can successfully eat with a spoon and fork for themselves, do we? They do it when they are ready. Same with self settling. DS is an awesome self settler, which is perfect for me. I couldn't handle co sleeping, laying with him til he fell asleep or cuddling him to sleep (I'd feel like I was being 'controlled' and end up very resentful) but I also couldn't handle him CIO or getting frustrated and upset trying to do something he clearly wasn't ready for.
I think it's up to the individual. For me, self settling is important. When my LO is ready. But if I felt like Cherished (for example) self settling would not be important at all. I love that she feels so passionately about it - it makes her an awesome Mummy

[SammyRo]

Thanks all
Just to clarify, definitely not looking for people to justify their personal decisions, just really curious about the obsession with self settling. You know, where did the idea come from? Why is it so important? Is it about the parents, or the child, or both?

For us, it had nothing to do with society's expectations that they had to sleep thru by x months old, it wasn't that I was bothered about creating a rod for my own back (they were either rocked, fed, pushed in a pram or carried in a sling if that was what was working at the time), it wasn't that I felt they had to self settle. I'm still happy to get up in the night if its needed, even if its just for a quick cuddle.

DD is a terrible settler but a good sleeper, she still has issues settling, and we still lie down with her at night.

DS, on the other hand, settled pretty well, but was a terrible sleeper. We got to the point where he was up 6plus times a night, a feed or a rock would only work as long as he was in our arms, but we couldn't get him back in the cot, and he didn't want to co-sleep (still doesn't, he just ends up crying even more if we try it). I was exhausted, DH helped as much he could, but he was out the house for 12hours a day, it was affecting everything - I wasn't happy, DD's behaviour was shocking as I didn't have the energy to give her the attention she needed. I wasn't being the best mummy I could be. It got to the point where one night I phoned DH, sobbing hysterically because DS wouldn't stay asleep for longer than 30minutes and I was past exhaustion. That was the point DH said we had to do something, and since all the gentle methods we had tried weren't working, we taught DS to self settle. Some would call it CIO, and might judge me, but it had to be done. We never just left him, we would put him down for 2mins, then go back in, give him a cuddle then 4 minutes up to 10minutes. The first night, it took 45minutes and I had to leave DH to do it. By the 3rd night, he was taking 20minutes to get to sleep. By the 5th night, he was going in his cot, without tears. A week later, he was happily going to sleep on his own. And everything changed. I didn't want to do it, I had mummy guilt for ages worrying that I would "break him" but things improved so dramatically and so quickly, that I think he needed to learn to self-settle. And I didn't break him, almost a year later, and he is a happy, little boy who is very affectionate and isn't emotionally damaged. And I think its because I had the energy to be the mum I want to be during the day because I wasn't up all night battling with a child who wouldn't sleep. If he wakes in the night now, we still go to him, we don't just ignore him.

I know you didn't mean for us to justify what we did. But I thought I'd explain that sometimes it nothing to do with people's obsession over sleeping thru or self-settling, for us it was to do with survival.

[PumpkinZulu]

JLeigh, it's really a societal expectation that has developed over the centuries that we eat with utensils too Hehe *tongue in cheek here*

[~Kaz~]

I have also thought and read about this topic a lot. I think JLeigh is on the right track. For me, its all caught up in Western culture. We're the only ones I know of who consider babies + newborns sleeping in their own bed, let alone their own room completely normal. (could be wrong but i'm pretty sure its just the West who do this).

We also have some pretty contradictory attitudes to babies and children. We baby them when it comes to feeding for example and often feed mushy food a lot longer than necessary (some would say at all!) But then we hope and expect them to self settle and sleep through way earlier than is often appropriate. We are generally in a hurry for kids to develop quickly - roll, crawl, walk, talk, toilet train, use manners, share their toys etc etc I think sleep is in the same category. You just have to look at the development of the tween market in the last decade to see that kids are expected to behave older than they are at an earlier age. And it is related to the high importance placed on independence for Western adults.
I went to a workshop on attachment (theory) recently and the presenter was talking about how our culture is the vehicle by which wr raise kids into "fit for purpose" adults in the culture. I think we take it too far with the general expectations of kids and i'm hoping the pendulum starts to swing back soon.

* using the term "we" globally to mean the whole of society generally.
ETA- does that make sense? Am sitting in ds room waiting for sleep now lol. Basically I think the sleep thing is one of many issues reflecting a wider pattern when it comes to children.

Sent from my phone.