I ama big one for telling the honest truth to my children regarding death and dying. Obviously, that's difficult if you are not clear about your own beliefs. I have a cautionary tale for you...
About 8 months ago, our pet rabbit died. We found him in his hutch, already dead. Wanting to be honest and truthful, I called my older kids outside and Miss 2 followed them. I explained to the kids that the bunny had died and we didn't know why, but that it had obviously been very fast as I had fed him an hour earlier and he seemed fine. I suggested that perhaps there had been something wrong with his heart as he had no visible injuries to explain his death. I held the rabbit and the children patted him and said their goodbyes. Everyone was sad, but we were all coping well. DH and the children dug a deep hole in a nice spot and we wrapped the bunny in an old T shirt and put him in the hole. This is where the trouble began! Miss 2 LOST IT. 'No daddy, no! No put bunny down the hole!!' she screamed as she tried to climb in after him. I held her and explained that the bunny was dead and that it was only his body going down the hole as he didn't need it any more. I desperately waffled about bunny heaven - despite not being religious - and the fields of fresh green grass and all the carrots he could eat. The big kids backed me up - DH, being the bunny bury-er, wasn't allowed anywhere near her. It was an ugly scene. So here we are, 8 months or so down the track, and I still hear about the bunny going 'down the hole' every day. Every day. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes she accuses daddy of burying the bunny as though the bunny were still alive. If someone is sick, she asks if daddy is going to dig a hole and put them 'down the hole'.
'Grandma is not coming today, she has a cold and she doesn't feel well'.
'Oh... Grandma sick?'
'Yes, she is sick'
'Oh... daddy will put grandma down the hole?'
Clearly, in trying to do what I thought was best, I have scarred my child for life.
The moral of the story is, keep it simple and only offer the information that your child asks for. I think perhaps I offered too much information for what Miss 2 could grasp. I didn't think she would take very much of it in, and I addressed my two older kids (8 and 10) without considering what Miss 2 would make of it all. I figured that if the big two were ok, she would be too. I was wrong. Your DS is a little older then my DD and will hopefully grasp the concept of death more fully than Miss 2 does. Whatever you do, don't talk about anyone going down the hole!!
I have always tried to be honest with my kids about death....I remember my Dad answering my DD's question about how Nanny got to heaven in a off the cuff way, 'on an escalator' after that she was terrified every time we went to the shopping centre and even now doesn't really feel comfortable on them. My DD8, was almost 1 when my Dad passed away, so she never really knew him but she knows all about him and has seen his ghost a few times, and it hasn't freaked her out! She still asks questions occasionally, but these days she makes up her own mind about things. Lightning is my Dad taking photos of her, because he misses her and cant believe how fast she is growing...all her own thoughts!
She is the one that insists on visiting the cemetery on special days, she says that its a sign of respect and shows them how much you love them!
I think kids need small amounts of information and they will process it in their own time and come back and ask questions later, usually when you are least prepared for it, but be honest and don't gloss over things!
DD8 went to her first full on funeral this year, and was amazed at how many people were upset, she was just so matter of fact about everything, how this man was so much happier and that he was not sick anymore and he was with his best friend and very happy! It was just crazy, but sweet at the same time, she even explained it to the widow as well, thankfully we know her very well and she just adored what DD said and it gave her a lot of comfort.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks