If you'd had a doula for your loss...

[TeniBear]

ladies I just wanted a little insight from more people for other students in my doula course...

If you'd had a doula for your loss, and they didn't charge you for their services, would you have preferred a sympathy card saying they waived their fees, an invoice for $0, or a sympathy card with no mention of fees at all? And if they wanted to keep a part of their fee, how much would you have been content with? Some people are saying they'd keep the "retainer" and that's it, where others wouldn't charge at all. I plan to put something in my contract saying all fees will be waived if I'm to support someone through a loss.

Personally, I'd have preferred a sympathy card with a note saying there was to be no charge, and I think that's what I'll do if I'm ever in that situation.

How about you?

PS - Mods, I thought this would be the best section for this, but I undead if you feel it more suited for somewhere else

ETA - Forgot to take out something that would've made sense if I put this where I originally was going to

[Liviam]

What a lovely gesture!!

I would definitely include it in your/their contracts. In relation to the sympathy card I would keep it solely as a sympathy card. If you wanted to you could put in a note, on a seperate piece of paper, that the fees have been waived.
If it were me I wouldn't want to read about the fees being waived everytime I read the cards.

Thank make sense?

[PumpkinZulu]

See, I wouldn't bring it up at all. Not unless I needed to, as in, if something did go wrong. Mentioning stillbirth or the notion that things might turn out that way (to me) would be too confronting to an already vulnerable pregnant woman. Not that stillbirth shouldn't be discussed in society, but I personally wouldn't put it in a contract. In the event of stillbirth, I would personally give them any money they paid me back (not in the sympathy card, but at a later date), or if I hadn't been paid yet, I'd mention it quietly the next time I visited (but again, not in the card or immediately after).

[helle]

I agree with liviam. Plus it would make me feel pitied on, and I don't do pitty

[feeb]

Personally I agree with PZ. I don't think it needs to be in contract at all. I would just either A return money or B mention a while after birth that fees were weived due to stillbirth, or if family insisted you take money I would then tell them was donating it to SANDS or SIDS and kids in memory of their baby. As I do think it could put the fear into allready vulnerable familes.

A sympathy card is a lovely idea but would not advice mentioning it in that either.

[RhiChiChi]

^^ feeb excellent idea about the donation...

I don't know I think it would be the furtherest thing from their mind about payment for a service, so if it were me, I'd waive the fee, not mention it & send a sympathy card

[~StarBright~]

I wouldnt just not mention it if a still birth happened to occur, because then the couple would perhaps be thinking "Oh yeah we still have to pay that"- so I would let them know ASAP that the fee will be waived or returned, either by an invoice for zero dollars (sent seperately to the sympathy card) or something along those lines- or if a deposit has been paid a cheque or whatever with a note attached. Better yet, actually telling them in person... if you have been their doula you would have had contact with them and may have been at the birth itself or whatever. Either way I think the bond would be enough to tell them in person

As for having it in the contract.. i dont know, i can see the point that it may be confronting having it mentioned, but at the same time it would be good to have it in the contract, so I dont really know about that. Sorry not much help there!!!

[LionsandBears]

Just curiously, why would you waive the fee? I didnt have a doula, we had an IM. We werent charged the full amount either time, we paid for what we were up to, which included births and post natal care. We valued the support and service and wanted to pay for that. I think, for me, having the fee waived may have felt like pity.

I understand not wanting to deal with bills afterwards. Getting things like funeral bills etc just feel like another stab in the heart. So it's a nice idea. Go with what you're comfortable with. Of all the times the added support is needed is when birthing a still baby.

I dont see a problem with having something on the contract. Pregnancy is a hope, not a promise and death is part of life. I'd rather know where I stand. When you're going through the loss, the shock etc can mean you cant think straight. Clear instructions help at a time like that. Maybe have a couple of lines. Eg In the event of a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks, all fees will be waived and I will provide 1-2 hours support as needed. In the event of pregnancy loss after 20 weeks, I will provide support at the birth if the parents would like that and 1-2 post natal visits. Fees will be half- priced or waived or whatever.

A sympathy card is good. I like the range from CarlyMarie as they are specific to loss. I wouldnt mention the fee in it though.

[PumpkinZulu]

I'd waive the fees as a sign of my sympathy. Definitely not pity. Some people will make frozen meals to help ease the stress and overwhelmingness of the situation, others will come over and clean etc. As a doula I would waive my fee. If the couple were adamant on paying, I'd tell them to take their time. It's a tough call, and I think women who have experienced stillbirth and late loss have a slightly different perspective on it (ofcorse). That's not just a possibility for them, it's a reality. It's not for me, but early loss is. But for others it's not. To me, if late loss is going to occur, it's going to be an awful shock, regardless of whether there was a line on your doula contract pertaining to the fact that stillbirth is a possibility. But that's just me. I wouldn't address the fees like that unless I needed to.

[mummydreamer]

I would see it as a sign of sympathy as well, not pity. A sympathy card would be nice, but like a PP said, maybe a seperate piece of paper stating you would waive the fee rather than on the card itself. And in terms of the contract, if it were me, after what I've been through, you probably should put it in there. There's no beating around the bush, no sweeping it under the carpet. Stillbirth happens, it can happen very unexpectedly. It is something women don't want to talk about when they're pregnant, but unfortunately it does happen. If you just have a little section at the bottom stating what will happen, and women can want to know about it or not. It's up to them, but at least you know you've planned for everything....if that makes sense?

[TeniBear]

What a lovely gesture!!

I would definitely include it in your/their contracts. In relation to the sympathy card I would keep it solely as a sympathy card. If you wanted to you could put in a note, on a seperate piece of paper, that the fees have been waived.
If it were me I wouldn't want to read about the fees being waived everytime I read the cards.

Thank make sense?

Sorry, yeah, that's what I meant by I'd put a note in the card - I meant on a separate bit of paper