Your best advice for how to embrace a pregnancy, please.
Hi all,
Ok, this might all sound a bit ridiculous, but bear with me here for a moment.
As some of you know, I'm about 8 weeks pregnant and it's not something I was over the moon about. I had a difficult time coping after ds was born and I didn't feel connected to him at all.
I've started to put in place safe guards for after the birth- I'm in contact with my local pregnancy and post-natal mental health unit, and I'm going through a caseload program so I will have some support from a midwife in the days after I bring bubs home.
But, looking back I think that perhaps some of the issues I had after ds was born stemmed from how I felt during the pregnancy- I didn't feel connected to this baby, I resented the physical hardship, and I couldn't wait for it to be over.
I am really not wanting to feel the same way during this pregnancy. I would like to be able to accept it, embrace it, not be resentful or afraid, and look forward to having my baby, not just getting the pregnancy over and done with.
Any insight, tips or ideas on what you did to connect yourself emotionally and spiritually to a pregnancy or birth would be greatly appreciated.
I have told you about when I found out about DD2 and how I felt. One of the things that helped me was looking at all the teeny tiny baby clothes and things like that. If you need to talk hun, feel free to PM me. I have been there, and I know how hard it was in the early weeks.
On a practical level, you are doing the right stuff. Do you have a good playgroup close?
On a spiritual level, this is what worked for me. I used to get my butt to the beach, I don't usually enjoy the beach that much (I burn to a crisp in seconds) but I really felt drawn to it as DD grew. I loved wading in the water, wandering over sandbars and floating away gently with my big (inconvenient) belly. It felt so good and it grounded me. Maybe you could find a way to tap into Mother Nature to help you connect?
Firstly, let me say I think its really great that you are thinking about this and have put some safety nets into place to help you when your bubba arrives. Very wise thing to do.
I have found during this pregnancy that finding out what I was having, giving her and name and talking to her really helped me connect to my baby. I'm really excited to meet her and feel like I've shared a lot with her already - ridiculous things like asking my belly "What do you feel like for dinner? Shall we have some pasta?" But it helps make her feel "real".
I found it quite hard to deal with my difficult emotions without support - and I found two things immensely helpful. Flower essences and theta healing. Both were dramatic in helping me find the root of my emotional issue and then to heal it. There are practitioners for both around. PM me if you want more specific details. All the best in your journey.
I've been thinking on what to say to try and help, but I can't think of anything, i struggled a bit with my body image and the way everyone thought it was okay to touch or rub my belly, and i resented that so i was looking forward to having my body back so to speak.
At times i felt like i wasn't bonding or connected to my baby so i would like at the u/s pic and just remind myself that is my baby, and only me and dh can make one just this. I felt silly but sometimes i would talk to picture, like if i bought him some clothes, nursery equipment etc. it was easier to talk to a picture than my stomach.
It sounds like you have put some good strategies in place to help you deal with things this time round.
Good luck hun and remember we are always here xxx
LoriRae, good on you for having the foresight to recognise this and reach out for help, and to want to make things different this time
If you can, get a hold of a copy of a book called Birthing From Within. It is a really spiritual, wholistic approach to pregnancy and it contains lots of practical exercises and advice for really connecting with your baby and your pregnancy. It's often recommended as a "birth book" but I think it's so much more than that and I reckon you'd find it really helpful.
Do whatever makes you feel good while you're pregnant, talk to your baby and talk to your hubby, friends and other people you can trust about your feelings too. Often the second time around we are much more realistic about things, and understand what to expect from pregnancy much better and that alone makes things so much easier.
Sad but true, I don't really connect with my belly babies until they start moving. Yes, I know I am pregnant, and I am happy about that, but until I can *feel* something, then its just a label. This one started kicking last week, and I have spent my free time just lying there watching the little bounces in my stomach. Or just with my eyes closed with my hands on the now firm lump and enjoying the connection. This is really a feeling that is *very* personal between youa nd your baby. You partner, your parents, even your friends cannot feel you baby kick the same way you feel it. They cant feel the hard disconnected lump in your body and feel how separate to you it really is. Its the one thing that only you can share with your baby.
I hope this helps you some. Being able to embrace those movements and feel a connection seem to negate all the bad sides of pregnancy for me.
Lori, you are so strong! Well done for speaking up
It may sound corny, but in the beginning I made video diaries for Charlotte. And I repeatedly told everyone I was pregnant lol. I told my work that I was pregnant at 6 weeks, and made a point of holding my belly even though I was nowhere near showing.
It was something I did to enable myself to FEEL pregnant.
One thing that helped, dont know why, was when a GF of mine said to me:
"How amazing is to think that between your spine and your belly button there is a life that isn't yours?"
I think the reason this had such an impact was partly due to my belief that children choose their parents. That I am merely her gaurdian for a very small period of time, that she is in fact a whole and perfect being without me, and that one day she will let me go.
Every day of your pregnancy and every single day thereafter is one step closer to her leaving you. Sounds weird to think of that as inspirational I know, but I think it really is. Birth is simply another stage of weaning for mothers, kwim?
Once I saw this, I realised that the pregnancy was the ONLY true time that she was MINE, belonged to me, was part of me, was wholly dependent on me, that I was the reason she could sustain life.
Anyway, hope I havent offended anyone with that. But that is truly how I felt empowered by my pregnancy that I was able to embrace it fully and find it the most fulfilling time of my life. (Charlotte was unplanned so totally threw me for a loop)
Good luck huni, hope you find the inspiration you need to embrace your pregnancy and live it. Love ya xx!
I bawled my eyes out when i found out we were having #4....absolutely bawled. Was a right ole misery for days after. It was something we had discussed (a #4) but not really indepth....we were both still really undecided.
I went to a counsellor in the first few weeks....helped me accept that #4 was defn going to be a part of our lives.
I saw two friends with newborns around my 12-16 week mark....i had butterflies of excitememnt when they left, i truly felt more connected.
Movements obviously make me feel more spiritually closer to my baby.
Just talking about the baby (not the pregnancy)......
Well done for speaking out about how you feel. i havent had the same issues personally but i do a lot to try to enbrace pregnancy and connect with the baby in utrero.
here are some ideas of things i really enjoy when i am preg:
1. pre natal yoga - not only is this physiocally great but a good teacher will also take you through a visualisation and i always find i feel really connected to my baby after this. i also feela lot better physically after a class.
2. swimming - even justwith a kickboard in a nice pool - float there and enjoy the feeling. i like thinking my baby is also floating in there... and i usually feel some nice mvts at this time. it is like a time out for just 1/2 hr
3. pregnancy massage - special time, treating myself - helped with aches and pains and also fluid retention... and was soem time out that i deserve being pregnant
When pregnant with Loren (DD2) I felt that I had to make a special bond with her whilst pregnant because I had already had 2 miscarriages and DH was not happy about us having another daughter. When Sara went down for a nap I used to lie down and imagine her growing and when my pregnancy advanced and I could feel her move I would still lay down and chanel my love towards her. This sounds kinda silly but it worked for me..
I have not done this once for this pregnancy mainly because time doesn't permit and I am really craving it.
Lori - You are doing an amazing job by seeking support and I think you already have a different attitude towards this pregnancy so you are already achieving your goal.
A really great book for you to read would be 'A Labour of Love' by Gabrielle Targett. It gives plenty of tips to help you get in touch with your unborn child.
I have also done a fair bit of research on the link between post natal depression and hormonal imbalance, and its relationship with nutrient deficiency (each woman's deficiency is specific to their constitution). Pregnancy and breastfeeding can really take it our of you- and it is natures way that the baby will suck out the most bioavailable nutrients, leaving you with the 'leftovers'. The link between nutrient deficiency and hormonal imbalance is very strong- as is the relationship between hormonal imbalance and depression.
I strongly advise you purchase and read the book 'The Natural Way to a Better Pregnancy' by Francesca Naish. It also covers the emotional aspects of pregnancy. Taking pregnancy and breastfeeding supplements throughout is important- as is avoiding alcohol etc, but there is SSOOOO much more that can be done in terms of providing the body with the fuel it requires to generate enough vital nutrients for you and the baby, and prevent a severe hormonal imbalance after the birth.
(Of course there are lifestyle factors which play a significant role - I don't wish to undermine that.)
In the meantime- arm your body with as much EFA (Essential Fatty Acid) rich foods as possible. The Omega 3,6 & 9 oils in EFA rich foods are paramount in fighting off depression. Start spreading avocado on your bread instead of butter or other spreads. Eat at least a handful of nuts every day (Almonds, Brazil & Cashews very good), as well as seeds (pumpkin, linseeds, sunflower & sesame seeds). You may be able to buy a muesli which contains a great mix of nuts & seeds.
Buy an organic flaxseed oil and organic cold-pressed extra virgin oil. Alternate the use of these on your salad instead of regular salad dressing (which is usually full of additives). I haven't mentioned fish oil because of potential mercury contamination. For this reason it is best you stick to plant-based omega sources during pregnancy.
If you haven't already done so, I also suggest you purchase the bestselling guide 'Additive Alert' by Julie Eady. It explains in detail the nature of the additives in our every-day foods and their link with certain conditions- asthma, depression etc.
I hope this helps. Stay strong!
Wishing you a happy & healthy pregnancy,
XX
Last edited by JellyBean; February 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 AM.
Lori, you've got some good advice so far. And like others have said, good on you for acknowledging the difficulties you've had in the past and being proactive about it!
I was very nervous about how I'd feel about this pregnancy too. #5 was a total accident, as was this one (I'm having a Lady Bracknell moment) and I was a bit scarred by my response to #5. It took me a long time to accept that pregnancy - probably the time it really stopped being just a burden was at twenty weeks when our parish priest offered a blessing to my tummy at the communion rail. It struck me then that this was a precious little life, quite apart from my own feelings towards it!
When #6 came along, I just decided to go with the flow a bit more, and let my feelings resolve quietly. It has really helped that I've had therapy over the last year, and that dovetailed into accommodating this big change in our lives. I accepted in early pregnancy that the relationship would take time to grow, and I nurtured what bits of it I felt and tried to let go of guilt over what I didn't feel.
I'm still ambivalent about having another baby, but it's like I've been able to develop the relationship with the baby *as an individual* separately to that ambivalence. Separating out the personhood of the baby from my own issues has been really helpful, if that makes any sense!!
I think too that sometimes, bonding just doesn't happen the way we expect it. With dd3, she never really felt like my child until she was nearly school age. Now we are very close. There were a lot of factors involved in that, but in the end, we got there.
It might be worth looking into Calmbirth courses, I have found it's connected me to the whole process. You can google the closest class to you.
I also read a great book called "Heart to Heart Parenting"> I got it from the ABC shop. Was a fluke find but i've found that I wanted my whole pregnancy/birth/bringing up child just as this book suggested. Highly recommended.
Good luck, I hope you have a good pregnancy. xoxox
Your nearest Calmbirth practitioner could take you through a few things separate to the course, as the course doesn't happen till you are quite a bit more pregnant.
My HypnoBirthing practitioner (training for Calmbirth now) had another modality up her sleeve called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), and I found she really helped ease my worries about impending parenthood, when I thought I wasn't parent-material. The Natural Therapy Pages on the web will have a listing of practitioner near you who do EFT
I'm going to have to do my own bit of counselling, I think, because as much as our next one is planned and wanted, I'm very conflicted about how to fit in a new person when I'm so involved with DS and really, really connected with him. I want to enjoy the pregnancy instead of pretending it's not happening to hope it all works out for the best!
Your best advice for how to embrace a pregnancy, please.
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Big Hugs, LoriRae.
But it helps make her feel "real".
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