Over Excited Grandma

[*Rach*]

Hi Ladies,
I am pregnant and due in July. I'm very excited about being at home with bub once he/she arrives, however i am a little concerned about my mum. This will be her first grandchild, and naturally, she's really excited.
My concern is is that she may being getting a little carried away. She has recently purchased a pram, a cot, a change table, a bassinet, a bouncer, a car seat a high chair etc. for herself to use and keep at her house, as well as this she has informed my husband and I that she intends to set up the cot/bassinet/change table in her own bedroom...... not the spare room (which she has 2 of..)
My husband and I live in our own home and will have everything we need . Of coarse I may have my mother babysit occassionally, i still can't justify why she is setting up a nursery in her home, my husband is convinced she thinks she is the one having the baby, not me.... she has even tried to tell me that you have to have the baby shower at her house... she also wanted to take a month off work when the baby is born to stay at our house (she lives 2min away), then she got really upset when i told her my husband is planning to have a month off and stay home with his new child...
Am i over reacting? I am concerned that after bub is born she may be exteremly disappointed to find that the bub is not spending nearly enough time over at her place to make enough use of all the things she has brought! My dad tells me just to let it go and she will calm down, however its only getting worse... Even if I mention my husbands parents looking after the baby she gets upset.. She is driving me crazy...

I hope I haven't carried on to much , but i really need people help and opinions...

[Janie]

Wow Rach - :shock:

My parents and in-laws live in Queensland so thankfully I will never have this problem.

The only thing they have talked about is perhaps a porta-cot when we go up there for Christmas!

I don't know what advice to give you, perhaps one of the other girls can help (who maybe have gone through this too).

Have you tried talking to your mum about your expectations and of course hers? Where they perhaps overlap and where they don't?

((hugs)) and I hope it works out for you.
Janie

[hannanat]

Hi Rach,
If I were you, I would give her time to calm down once the initial excitement has worn off. It will be wonderful for your baby to have such a loving grandmother, so hopefully everything will settle into place nicely after your baby is born. Hey, you never know - you might welcome the extra pair of hands once the baby arrives

[BellyBelly]

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/relati...mily-hierarchy

Advice in this from Danny is great, a little different situation but same advice applies...

[sushee]

Rach,

I have had the same boundary issues with my mum. She took over with my sister's three children, and moved in with my sister with this last baby she had. She fed and bathed the baby and put the baby to sleep. My sister did nothing for the first few weeks of her baby's life, and barely interacted with her baby at all. Even now, if my 9 month old niece is at my mum's, my mum takes over like my sister doesn't exist.

On the other hand, I had all my children without my mum being here (she lived in Singapore), and more than managed on my own. To me, those first few weeks are important for you to bond with your bub. My thre children only ever had me care for them.

But now my mum lives in Australia, about 2 mins away from me too (!) and expected that she would 'take over' when this bub arrived, same as she did with my sister. Never mind that I've had children before, she seems to think she's doing me a favour by taking baby on, as if it's an inconvenience to me. She talks about the baby as if it's hers, not mine.

It hasn't been easy, but I've had to keep reminding her that she is only the grandmother. Like your mum, my mum is also unhappy about my MIL being too involved with 'her grandchild', and as I watched her alienate my sister's BF's family, I know how jealous she can be. She's also recently been getting stuck into my DH as to his choice of boys' names, and has been advising on names that are from my side of the family. I told her that when she next has a baby, she can have any name she wanted, but this being our baby, she needs to take a step back.

I've had to be very firm with my mum, and I suspect will have to continue to be once bub arrives as well. My mum doesn't take hints well. But if you make your position known, and be consistent, you'll be happier, even if your mum isn't. In the long run though, you'll be less resentful for it, I reckon.

I know they mean well, but sometimes they need to know where the line in the sand is.

love
sushee

[{sarah}]

Same as Jillian over here!!

My mum lives next door and she has a carseat, portacot, pram, bottles, formula, feeding equipment, nappies clothes!! Her idea was that whenever we visit we can just come with us & not have to worry about bringing anything. I love that I can drop over whenever I want & not have to worry about packing the nappy bag. It's also helpful if I run out of formula or nappies etc as she always has them

Going to play devil's advocate here Zander has stayed over at mum's house a few times & he has slept in mum & dad's bedroom. I think she feels more comfortable having him nearby so she can hear him in the night. We had my baby shower at mum's house as well and that was because she didn't want me to have to play hostess for the day & tidy up afterwards. Umm with the time off she probably feels like you will need help, maybe your dad wasn't much help when you were born (I know mine wasn't) so your mum is assuming DH won't be? Not sure on that one, just thinking of possible reasons.....

I think in the end you really need to have a chat with her & tell her exactly how you are feeling. I'm sure she could explain to you why she is doing the things she is.

Good luck with it

[Lea13]

I'm lucky in the fact that my mum is essentially overbearin like yours but realizes it!! We have spoken about what to expect and how to deal with the whole situation together which helps. I think also in the last 12 months my mum has had to step away from being a mum and sort of let me go and this is no different. I'm fiercely independent and she knows I don't want her stepping on her toes so we're quite open and honest.

At the same time sometimes she does scare me with the thing she says etc... :shock: DP thinks once Emersons here we'll never get her out of the house...

Maybe open up the communication lines and keep things working that way.

Not sure if any of this helps though....

[*Rach*]

Hello,
Thanks for everyones help... My husband and I have decided we are going to have to sit her down and explain things to her BEFORE the baby arrives... we figure its better to do it now and get it over with then having to deal with it after the bub arrives.. I will let you know how it goes...

Once again thanks,

Rach

[Kaydee]

Rach, I had the same problems, but it was with MIL. Before Ben was born she would always go on about having a bed and equiptment at her house for when they look after Ben. I would get frustrated and annoyed that she would insist this. We had 2 prams, and one day MIL came over and told us that she would be taking the extra pram for when Ben stays with them. Her sister gave us the extra pram, Dh felt like we didnt have a choice because it was her sister that gave it to us... Anyway, I felt like she thought that she was having a baby, and not me.

One day we called them for some reason i cant remember, and they told us that they were at a baby shop. When we asked why, they told us that they were buying a changing table for us. I was so annoyed. I know they were probably just trying to help, but they just dont know where the boundries are... and still dont.

A few days after i got home, i ended up bedridden with an infection in my uterus, which led to us staying with them for a week. I went absolutely bonkers with her constantly telling me "Oh, he is too cold, you didnt put enough clothes on him".... When Ben was cranky MIL would always say "oh, he has wind, ill give him some tea"... And when i was soooo sick i was in so much pain, i couldnt sit up to feed Ben (which was sooo painful itself!)... But would constantly have MIL in my face telling me that i still have to breastfeed... and that formula is a bad idea. I got so annoyed that she would always be giving my son baby tea, yet was all against giving him one bottle of formula.

Oh the parents.... just remember all this for when our children have their children.

[Lea13]

Good luck Rach - let us know how it goes!