Oh man, huge hugs . I can't even begin to imagine what you must have gone through and are going through . It's very normal that you are feeling terrified, you have lots to consider, think about and deal with.

I don't have any answers for you, I haven't been where you are. All I can say is that time is a great healer - it gives you time to process the things you have been through, it gives you time to make peace with some things, it gives you time to come to a place where you are happy to go again. Please don't put any pressure on yourself about having another baby right now, just look after you and work through all your thought processes.

I have a 3 year age gap between my first two. I had a traumatic experience the first time (nothing compared to yours!) and it personally took me over two years before I was in the right head-space to have another bub.

Big hugs .