This is probably going to come out all rambling and not make much sense but I really need to vent about it.
This morning, AF arrived for the first time since Charlie's birth, and my first instinct was to call my Fertility Clinic. I realise that I have become so indoctrinated into the idea that my cycles, my fertility and my body are part of this huge medical process that this is considered 'normal' for me now.
When I realised I didn't have to call my clinic, I initially thought it was funny. But now, a creeping sadness has come over me. I realise that another thing I have become very used to feeling is that every month where my body is ovulating is another month of being able to potentially have a baby. It is really sad for me to realise that from now on, many months will pass without TTC, that my eggs will be going to waste, that time is passing me by.
I am suddenly angry with DH for not wantng to do an FET now, for even thinking about wanting to stop.
But I know it's not a good time for us to try again. I just can't let go of 4 years of TTC mindset, 13 months of living and breathing IVF. I can't look at AF the same way again, as just a monthly inconvenience while I carry on with the rest of my life, after all we've been through.
Maybe it'll pass with time, but for now, it's almost too much to bear, this incredible pull to do something!
Anyway thanks for listening. I put this here in the hopes that I don't upset any of the LT girls with this.
I cant really imagine - but I can see that it would feel SO weird to suddenly just be living happily and freely without just thinking of AF as a usual inconvenience rather than a devestating blow....
Im sure it is something you will come to leave behind in time... although if I know you as well as I think I do, it will play on your mind until you use that last snowbubba.... but maybe you just have to try and put a different spin on it in the meantime - maybe rather than thinking of AF as you not being pg think of it as your body still functioning enough for the future when/if you decide to go for bubba number 5... dont know if that helps much though
AAAAW Sushee, I know how you feel... Dh after Indah was adamant there would be no more, I cried myself to sleep when AF arrived, I was truly heartbroken & scared that this was truly it... Then I told him I loved our girls with all my heart but I was desperate for atleast 1 more... He slowly understood & listened to me & when I said I am ready to start temping he bough condoms & I bawled like a baby.... Then he stopped going for the drawer when DTD & I knew that meant if it happened it would be OK, he said one day "We arent TTC are we?" I said I'd love it to happen...
Then it just happened in a cycle where I was sick, tired & had spent time in Hospital with Indah, there was no way we could have conceived (on paper) but we did & he is over the moon & when I mentioned a fourth, he smiled!!!
I hope you find peace in your decisions & h=get to really chew the fat with Dh regarding your inner feelings... It's important & should be a joint decision...
Sushhee could you ask DH about going for just the one last snowbubba????
OOOH How I wish I could bundle so many of you ladies my close friends up & hug you all so tightly...
Hopefully Indah & Charlie will give us Tonnes of grandkids!!!!
Thanks for your post mate, and Mel and Keen too. I'm feeling a little better about everything today. Just felt like I was having a mini meltdown yesterday, but DH was really good last night and I had a bit of a cry in his arms, which always helps.
And yes, Charlie and Indah are just going to have to give us lots of grandkids so we'll have loads of babies around when we're both old and grey!
Sush - I said goodbye to my last two snow bubs this week. I feel this was my DH's decision solely and am quite bitter about it. I'm now resorting to sneaky attempts of DTD when I'm fertile with the distant hope that a miracle will occur and I was conceive naturally. This is quite hard to do especially when O falls on say a Monday (sex is a rare enough occurance let alone on a weekday ). Anyway I feel I have compromised my dreams of another baby and also given up on my 2 little potential bubs .
I know this doesn't help you in the least but just wanted you to know you're not alone. I also think of every wasted egg as I know how precious every one is. It's good that you have talked about it with hubby, I think I need to do the same.
I can't imagine how hard it must have been, and must still be, to have had to make the decision you did. I'm glad you posted because it does help to not be alone in feeling this way
:hugs:
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Don't know how to feel...
). Anyway I feel I have compromised my dreams of another baby and also given up on my 2 little potential bubs
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