Finding the balance between spacing your children and infertility (LTTTC)

[PumpkinZulu]

I honestly can't think of anything harder or worse than two little ones at once. Hence the 3-4 age gap. And I know this sounds so silly, but...I can't even imagine my heart has love enough for any baby other than DD. Can you really love all your children equally? It seems impossible to me right now.

I guess the state of my fertility is what is going to dictate this. If things are bad, we'll be trying again in 12-18 months. In a way I'm resigned to the fact that it will take 2 years again, which is obviously dangerous thinking if I rely on that too much. Sigh. Hard lfe being a control freak

[crumpet]

I honestly can't think of anything harder or worse than two little ones at once. Hence the 3-4 age gap. And I know this sounds so silly, but...I can't even imagine my heart has love enough for any baby other than DD. Can you really love all your children equally? It seems impossible to me right now.

I guess the state of my fertility is what is going to dictate this. If things are bad, we'll be trying again in 12-18 months. In a way I'm resigned to the fact that it will take 2 years again, which is obviously dangerous thinking if I rely on that too much. Sigh. Hard lfe being a control freak

i hear you on the control freak side of things im shocking at being controlling...

and as for the 2 babies at once... i think its bad when DD is sick, i cant imagine having to deal with 2 small kids sick, or awake in the night...
and i feel sad for DD thinking of another baby taking away her lime light.... for now, who knows if things will change...

with ur fertility, i think getting checked out is a good idea, you might then have a better idea of where u stand with how things are going

[luna moth]

One big thing I learnt from our TTC journey is that you just can't plan babies. Some people do, and that works for them, and that's great. But the demise of our "plan" was a really big part of my grief. I truly don't believe in an ideal age gap; I just believe in wanting, welcoming and loving each baby as it comes.

So for us, we are not even thinking about TTC. Not planning, not trying, not even giving it a thought. We are NTNP, and hoping that when the time is right for us, that it will happen, and in the meantime, focusing on enjoying our gorgeous little almost-one-year-old bundle.

[Tegam]

Oh I have four babies and they are all so special. You don't love the one you have less a whole new love in born with the new baby. And the kids don't miss out on love as there is a sibling to live them too.

If it helps at all I totally promise that with each TTC and pregnancies everyone has the holy cow moments of how in the hell am I going to be able to deal with another one ... The answer is simple, you just do!

Our gaps are longer than I'd have liked but with my angels god obviously had other plans

[jayejaye]

Our decision was a combination of infertility factors and our age - i turned 40 in may. If not for those 2 factors, we would've waited longer to start trying for #2. As it was, i weaned DS at 6 mths, and we started IVF again when he was 8 mths. We had 2 failed cycles and than a natural miracle!! So there will be a 20 mth gap between them - a little less than i would've liked, but we just didn't want to wait too long in case it took 18 months again. Good luck!!!

[Lenny]

PZ - now don't get all freaked out but i wanted to have three kids by the time i was 30 too! Bahaha! I didn't even have one!
Because i know 100% that i have endo, then as soon as AF came back i knew that endo was creeping in again. My option was wait and have my kids further apart and have another endo operation, or start having transfers done as soon as AF came back - which is what we decided to do. Our ages weren't a factor per se, but we had wanted to have our kids a bit younger, so we didn't want to wait for too long.
Whilst i know you are a spring chicken compared to me, that makes no difference. If you want more additions to your clan then having people tell you that you are 'still young' is no comfort. If you think 3 years sounds like a good gap, then i think i'd start a bit earlier than that. Like N2L said, split the difference maybe.

FWIW DS2 was born when DS1 was 21 months. We consider ourselves very lucky.

[onthefly]

One thing I have learned is to not set deadlines. Life doesn't work that way - I wanted to be done by 30, then have my first by 30.... like Lenny it didn't happen. But it's ok. It happened this way instead.
Personally, I set a minimum age gap and start from there. And concentrate on enjoying what I have (trying hard not to obsess about what I don't have).

[Maruschke]

We wanted a 2 year gap. Ha ha! We are up to a minimum of 3.5 now. And I'm not even pregnant yet.

I learned a painful lesson that I have no control over my (in)fertility and that planning was useless. When I felt the urge to add another, we started trying, and we will keep trying til we get DC2 or are forced to give up.

I suggest you start trying when you feel that "stir" again . If there is anything worse than going through infertility treatments, it's going through treatments without being 100% committed or into it.

[RhiChiChi]

We had started trying when DD was just over 12 mo. This was after ttc for 13 mths & two m/c to conceieve DD and we were just about to be referred to the FS. In my heart I thought we'd have a difficult road to travel to fall pg again, but 3 further mc, just over 3 years ttc, 6 mths of failed clomid, a lap & dye study, 3 failed IUI cycles & 1 failed IVF cycle I'd never thought it would be that difficult. Having said that though & looking back at all that we have endured so far, I still don't think I would have tried any earlier than DD being at least 1 yo....

[Bloom]

We have male factor infertility here and both DS1 and DS2 are ICSI/IVF. The results of my DH's sperm tests have all shown that it is highly unlikely we will fall pg naturally (though I had one M/C that was a natural pregnancy). Basically, DH's results are only slightly better than that of someone who has had a vasectomy. So we are trying and have by trying since resuming the B/Ding after both boys. Yes, I have to say there is a fair bit of fear associated with if I actually did fall pregnant, but I know my joy would outweigh the fear. Yes, it would be tough with an small age gap, but I know that I would be able to mostly handle it. As a Christian, I know that God is in control of all things, so I guess I have faith that these things will work out.

We resumed IVF on DS1 first birthday. To be honest we were expecting it to take a few rounds and so were surprised when it worked first cycle! Hence the 21 month age gap. This time I think we'll be back at IVF when DS2 is 18 months.

[Me+him+bub]

PZ - you sound so like us! my DF only has about 4% decent sperm, all the others swim backwards, have 2 heads etc, and are very slow at that! hence why we had 2 earlier losses. took 2 years to get our first son, we never used contraception after his birth and my AF came 28 days exactly after he was born, it took another 18 months before we got our surprise in feb this year, we weren't trying but if it happened we were ok, my boys are 2years and 3 months a part and yes it is HARD! but I love them both just the same, as I too thought I couldn't love another one as much as my first but you do! we also want 3 kids before 30 and I too have completed 4 years of uni and going back for another 2 starting next year, it is possible but not easy. We are waiting til our first is in school before we complete our family. Have a good talk with your man about it. Once your DD gets a bit older and things get a little easier I am sure you will change your mind

[Traveller]

I'm not a LTTTCer so cannot comment on that front, although I think the PP's have given you some great advice and I hope you work through it. However wrt loving subsequent children, I promise you that you have enough love for more children. And with each subsequent child you love each one a bit more because you love how they are as a sibling and as an example and influence. You love how they learn and teach and interact. Whatever you decide will be the right thing xx