Have posted most of my saga in the other thread but to update....
Finally pg on an IVF cycle ... my 6th pregnancy but so far only one "live" DS.
Started bleeding heavily at 5.5wks over a weekend. Headed into my IVF clinic on the Mon and prompty started bleeding with agnosing pain whilst there. Had a scan straight away which showed twin pg with 2 healthy HBs and babies measuring to dates.
Bleeding had settled although pain was still constant.
last Fri at 6w3d had a quick scan with my FS... all still ok. 2 HBs etc
MS has been shocking and I was just starting to think if I could get through this week, maybe things would be ok. How wrong was I!!
Woke up yesterday feeling really ill as usual but no pain and no bleeding. 6w6d.
Was out with mother's group when I went to toilet to discover bleeding quite heavily again. NO pain this time which had strangely,actually been a really bad thing in my most recent previous m/c. Managed to exit the get together rapidly without saying to much ( no one knows i am pg).
Got home and started bleeding PROFUSELY... as in passing clots the size of my hand.
This is EXACTLY how it happened last m/c when things ok after initial bleeding but went pear shaped a week later.
Managed to get a scan yesterday afternoon and was almost beside myself not really wanting to see what was going on.
As it turns out, one baby still alive with HB 136bpm but measuring couple of days behind. Other baby's sac bit collapsed and they couldn't actually find the foetal pole... most likely gone. However, the bleeding wasn't near this baby, it was just behind the "good" one over my cervix.
So now I am in a horrible limbo. fairly sure I have to grieve over the baby that has probably died but not able to feel any relief really at all about the other one. its measuring small which hasn't been a good sign at all in one of my other pgs.... just died a few days later, plus, it seems to be the one with the bleeding issues.
I am just so totally unable to cope with all this atm. I can barely think or function. I just don't want to get up and face this for even one more day... its killing me!
NO one has answers as to why this keeps happening and I have now pretty much exhausted all the possible treatment options. I am on prednisolone this pg... doesn't seem to have made any difference. Was on the clexane but that has to stop cos of the bleeding.
I've been doing acupuncture for yrs
Have flown to sydney to see THE specialist... what else is there?
I am asking myself "how long can I keep this up?" but the alternative of nno more children would just about destroy me. I also don't know if my marriage can hold out through this.... my DH is totally over the constant misery in our lives. I don't blame him but again, no more children would mean a lifetime of misery for me.
Even if by some miracle, the remaining baby fights on, I don't know how to deal with the loss of his/her twin. I don't think I can handle the "at least you still got one" comments which already came out of the sonographers mouth. She just totally dismissed the other baby despite me telling her over and over that it was defnitely there with good HB only 3 days earlier.
Now I am rambling,,, sorry,, just have NO ONE to turn to IRL. The support just dries up after you've had a few m/cs.. like I should somehow get "used" to it.
I have done the whole counselling thing before as well but ultimately, it doesn't get me what i want... another baby ( or 2!)
Meredith, I have been quietly following your story from the sidelines, and cheering your babies on. I am so, so sorry that you have lost one of your twins. I will continue to cheer for the bubba still tucked up inside you.
for you, Meredith. I don't know what to say, but know that my prayers are with you and your little one as you grieve the one that is gone and fight to keep the other.
Deb -Thanks for the thoughts... I did start pred 20mg at the time of starting IVF meds so about 2 wks prior to conception and have not ceased it. Clexane started just after EPU... can't be started earlier with a stim IVF cycle due to the risk of severe ovarian bleeding during EPU.
Oh Meredith darl i don't know what to say other than I hear your pain and anguish. You will always have a shoulder to cry on here in BB and many many many understanding women. Even though I haven't been through this situation I can offer you my thoughts and prayers. Be strong sweetheart. Sometimes the only solution (that I find is helpful when I'm totally at a loss) is to emotionally just relinquish control... metaphorically throw your arms up into the air and say "ok... this is me rolling with the punches 'cos there certainly isn't anything else I can do!!!" Sometimes when i see other people doing this... accepting total defeat... occasionally there follows a ray of light and success... it's weird, it's like the universe or whatever kind of wants you to admit defeat... to be totally humbled... and, once this happens it then shows mercy.... in some form or another. I hope I haven't been too preachy...
it's always helpful to write down your pain... at the very least keep it up darl... it'll help... we'll listen *more hugs*
Last edited by Bathsheba; March 4th, 2009 at 11:05 AM.
I don't know what is happening either. However a few things. Prednisolone can be most effective when commenced prior to conception - the same with heparin. The rationale being that if you have NK cell overload the steroids take time to create a less hostile environment - clexane is beneficial prior to conception for implantation etc etc.
I know well that Dr S doesn't "like" commencing clexane prior to conception - however it does work sometimes.
Now, the bleeding is behind the baby - I am not sure where you mean. However it can be very very difficult to ascertain a bleeding point in utero at such an early gestation.
I understand why the clexane has been ceased but not why the steroids have been ceased? How much prednisone were you on?
I am sorry that the sonographer was so disrespectful. I am sorry that a heart beat couldn't be found - I am just so sorry.
There is a little one there that is holding on tight. Send him all your energy. Talk to him, love him. He/she will feel that and know it.
As for your relationship withstanding this. I understand very very well what you mean. My husband has resented deeply my need for another child and the sadness that brought to our family. I cannot answer for you. I can only say that you need to go deeply within yourself - get some joint counselling - really really nut it out together.
But for now, right now you are pregnant and there is a baby with a heartbeat. Measurements are very difficult to be spot on at such a tiny size so don't put all your eggs in that basket.
Please know I am HERE. I am here and all I can do is support you and send you my loving friendship and energy. If I was in Melb I would be there in a heartbeat with my teapot!
the nightmare continues.....
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to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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