i lost my beautiful baby boy at 21 weeks due to abnormalities
hello i am new to this site and wanted to share my story with you.....
?Liam Matthew??s Story
Born Sleeping 5th May 2008
I lost my beautiful baby boy at just 21 weeks on 5th May 2008. Here is my story that I wanted to share with you ?.
I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, it was January 2008 and my period was late and I had a funny feeling that this could be the month I was pregnant. You see we had been trying for 18 months and every month was hard. All those negative pregnancy tests I couldn?t do another one, I just couldn?t! So I wanted to wait until I was 5 weeks late before I took the test. So, at 3am on Saturday morning, I took the test ? I called it my lucky pregnancy test ( the one that my sister in law gave to me , she had the other one which was positive) and there it was, the magic two lines confirming that matt and I at long last were going to be parents for the very first time! We were over the moon!
As the weeks followed we had a pretty good pregnancy. In the beginning I had some spotting but this all sorted it self out. I went for my 12 week scan and I was in the low category for Down syndrome I was wrapped, I passed the 12 week stage and was pretty confident I was over the worst of the pregnancy or so I thought ?..
Then on Monday 21st April we went in for our routine 20 week scan. We were so excited; as at long last we were going to find out the sex of our baby! We found out were having a boy which were we shocked to discover as we were convinced we were having a girl? but as the scan went on we accepted we were having a boy and were beginning to get excited by this. Then we received the most devastating news a parent to be can receive. Our baby boy had a cyst on the left side of his brain and we would have to have a MRI the following week to confirm this. The doctor couldn?t really say what this cyst meant for us but we were just praying that it wasn?t going to be bad news. We were in shock and cried the whole way home.
Throughout the next week, which felt like a lifetime, we bonded with our little man and we called him ?Liam Matthew?. He would kick all the time and we really felt like he bonded with both of us. We did a research of a brain cyst and we felt fairly positive that we could handle this. If our little man had to get an operation then we were prepared for that.
The following week eventually came around and I had the MRI on Liam?s brain. We then went back two days later to find out the news. Unfortunately it was our worst nightmare come true? our baby boy?s brain hadn?t developed properly. He was missing the corpus collosum (the area of tissue connecting the two half halves of the brain) associated with a large cyst between the two halves of the brain. In addition to this he had an abnormal defect on his left half of his brain known as a cleft. Also there were abnormal tissues reflecting the area of nerve connection as well. If he was to even survive full term he would be living a life with a physical and intellectual disability. Furthermore he would suffer seizures during early childhood and would require a very high level of care. We had been given no choice really , Liam had made the decision for us . There was no chance of his survival so we were faced with a decision to let nature take its course or to have a termination. We decided it was not fair to bring Liam into the world where he couldn?t function normally. It would be cruel and we just couldn?t do it to him. So we decided to terminate the pregnancy at 21 weeks. I know this was a decision that was right for him, as the doctors couldn?t even guarantee that he would survive a normal birth full term as the pressure on his brain would cause great distress thus he might not survive. Knowing all this made the decision a little easier. I was shocked to discover I would have to have a natural birth to deliver him. When I asked why I had to do it this way, the doctors said that it was one of the best ways to deal with the grieving and healing process. They didn?t recommend a Caesarean because it can cause scarring and lead to further complications with future pregnancies and it was too late for a D & C .
The doctor also ordered an amniocentesis ? to determine if the problem with Liam?s brain was caused by a chromosome defect. At the time I remember thinking what for?? As it was yet another painful procedure that I had to endure but I have since received the results and it was all normal. This means that genetically hubby and I are all ok and Liam?s disorder wasn?t caused by a genetic defect which was a relief. However I believe the amniocentesis sent Liam to heaven , as I didn?t feel him move after that. I think the trauma of the MRI and amniocentesis was too much for his little brain and heart to bear. This may have been a blessing as it meant we did not have to bear the guilt of terminating his life.
On Sunday 4th May 2008, I went into the hospital to be induced and 28 hours later, after a hard labour, I gave birth to my son, Liam Matthew Neep. He was born Monday 5th May at 8.12pm, 26 cm long and weighing 420 grams . It was a breached birth, and his skin was dark in colour as he had passed away earlier (as I had suspected). It was a hard labour but I am grateful for the opportunity to have given birth ( it was my first time , I hadn?t even been to birth classes yet, nor had I gotten to the part where they talk about the stages of labour and what to expect in my pregnancy books),
We got to hold him and we also shared this experience with close family members who took photos of him. The hospital took imprints of his footprints and handprints. He stayed the night with us so that in the morning we could say goodbye to him? something that was so hard to do ... it still chokes me up when I think about it?
He was so beautiful, a perfect little baby? that was he was in the end , little but all so perfect. He had my nose and toes and my hubby's hands and tallness. He was a very old soul, an angel who was too beautiful to be on this earth.
On Saturday 10th May 2008 we had to officially say goodbye to our son. It was a beautiful funeral service. All our family and friends were there to support us and to be a part of Liam?s farewell. We got to fly balloons at the end of the service - a symbol of letting him fly up to the angels? The theme was rainbow balloons as we felt a connection with him and rainbows (see the channeling below, Liam?s Prayer ). A rainbow means a promise ... A hope that someday even though we have been through such a horrific event that maybe god will provide us with a baby that we can take home and look after?.
At the funeral my Sister Tanya read out a message that was channeled from Liam on 2nd May. She was writing in her journal as she always does and then when she read it back she realized that what she wrote were not her words but words from her nephew Liam. A very bizarre but wonderful experience. I would also like to share with you?
Liam?s Prayer
See beyond the rainbow
See my face- it is beaming with light and joy
All I ever desired in this existence I have accomplished ? my work is one and yet only beginning.
I love my family and I am not sad. I just knew this was a short visit
Please do not cry for long
I am here in all your hearts and all those that touch your lives
I will live on forever
I know my gift to you was so great and it fills my heart with joy to know this
I have brought a great healing to many with this experience
Unfortunately great healing can mean great pain as well
Just remember I feel no pain and I will always be grateful for all the love you gave me and the time we shared. All is not lost for I am a rainbow, eternal and I will lead you to a place you never dreamed of ? leading you yonder the other side.
I now am an angel- and I will be the one to watch over my precious family. I love you all and will be with through the good times and the bad times. It is better to have loved and lost than not loved at all ? and this love we have shared will never die?.
Love Liam
We have pictures of him around our home as well as his birth certificate. Also I have made up a box of all his belongings, put together a photo album and designed a montage on the internet (which I will put a link at the bottom of this page for you to view if you wish) so he will always be remembered ... He deserves this ... he deserves everything he would of got had he lived a lifetime with us.
Life is full of twists and turns, no one knows why bad things happen?all I can find comfort in is knowing that he has given me the most special 21 weeks of my life and he will always be a part of my family. His time on earth was only for a short time but I am grateful that he came to us... I am so lucky to have him as my special little angel. I am now an ?angel mother? to him and there are many mothers in the world, but I ask how many of them of the special privilege of been an ?angel mum?? I know one day God will grant me a child, and I will be a ?normal? mum as well as angel mum. How lucky I am to be a mum on both sides ?.
Liam came here for a reason and I believe that reason was to bring love into so many people?s lives, especially my hubby and also to open peoples hearts that yes this is a tragic event but in a way its not.. Liam is ?a gift? he chose to be with us for 21 wonderful weeks ... that was all he was able to give us in this lifetime ... we never know how long the soul has to be on this planet sometimes it is for a moment and sometimes it is for a life time but how ever long it is, it is special ... if anything Liam has taught me that life is so very precious and so are people...
I am just so lucky in the last weeks of his life he showed us who he was and even matt got to feel him kick?. He was a calm and gentle soul who only had love to give.
I believe that to fulfill our life purpose is to give away all the love you have? Spread it around , be open , share you pain and joy with the world as this is a healing process that we all need to do in life to grow. Our soul needs to grow and it is unfortunately through great pain that our soul can grow the most. It is a choice of how we wish to view life? do we look at the glass half full or half empty? I choose to look at life as full, yes this experience has changed me for the rest of my life. Yes I have felt one of the most horrific pains you can imagine, of losing my son but in order for me to be able to heal this I need to be able to accept that everything has a divine purpose and Liam?s purpose was to show me unconditional love. The greatest gift of all is love? it is the answer to our prayers and gives us hope?..
A beautiful saying that I read and speaks to me goes as follows ?An angel in the book of life wrote down your baby?s birth and whispered as he closed the book, too beautiful for this earth ?. ? I believe Liam was too beautiful for this earth... I nurtured him for as long as he needed before heaven needed him for another mission ? ?to be my guardian angel and watch over me and my family? ??.
? Fly Free ?. Forever in our hearts ?
Please feel free to view my montage of Liam?s short life before he grew wings and became a beautiful angel ?.
Ness,
I am so sorry and saddened to hear about the loss of your beautiful, precious baby Liam.
Reading your post was like reading my very own story about my beautiful baby Noah. He too had abnomalities, but his were of his urinary tract and his kidneys. I cried throughout your post as many, many memories came flooding back.
I think it is beautiful the way you are honouring your beautiful baby... keep his memory alive because he is always alive in your heart, and you're right... you are a special mum because you're the mum of an Angel.
Huge hugs to you and your husband
Edited - I just viewed your montage... Liam is so so beautiful. Thank you so very much for sharing.
Ness I have cried bucket loads on reading your post - it's taken some time to compose myself enough to write.
Welcome to Belly Belly and I feel honoured that you shared your story with us. Liam is beautiful - so beautiful.
Your incredible strength and acceptance is so amazing to witness. I too believe that there is no point to bitterness but rather acceptance that we don't understand necessarily the journey our children take. The absolute shocking pain of the losss and the goodbye is etched into our souls for a reason...
Like Lisa my tears in part were for my own memories of birthing a tiny sleeping son.
wow i am so touched by all your beautiful responses .. thankyou everyone!
wow.. i am simply just touched that so many of you beautiful people took the time out to respond to liams story.. i am so moved by this .. i have tears streaming dowm my face .. thank you so much...
just to let you know liams offical story is on the currenty webpage .. ( same one i copied and posted here but it has a beautiful backdrop of a rainbow)
i have found writing his story very healing for me and has enabled me to grieve and honour liam .. it really touches me that his story has affected so many people and i wanted to share it as i felt if i could help one person who is going thru a tramactic time in their life be able to see that everything happens for a reason .. then liam has done his job that he was meant to do on this short time he had on earth ..
i dont know where all the strength comes from , i think it from such a loving husband that i have and wonderful family who have let me pay tribute to liam in a way that may seem out of the norm to some.. i am so glad that i had my family bring their camera and take so many photos of liam ( i have over 100 photos of him ) .. i beleive that if liam has shown me anything it is that you never know what hand you are dealt with in life... but you know what we all have the strength within us to handle anything in life.. we just need to have a little faith that " universe , god whatever we want to call it , it doesnt matter " has it all planned for us and everything is in perfect order.. i know when i have a new baby that i wouldnt be able to have that new baby in my life if it wasnt for liam growing wings ... there are blessings in the world you just have to look to find them in usual ways but every event always has a blessing in disguise .. i think if we can find the blessings we can become at peace and begin to accept that life is a jouney .. we are all spirtual beings have human experiences and when we go within, we look deep within our hearts and give to eachother then we are truly fullfilling our purpose.. its strange that is not until a tragic event like this one happens that we are forced to look within and find teh strength to carry on .. i will never be the same person i was before i had liam .. he has changed me and helped me and so many people.. maybe that was his mission who knows.. i just feel so touched that there are people out there that are so caring and loving . i have never in my life felt so much love... so thank you everyone who has posted on here .. thank you for taking the time out to see my baby boy and for reading liams story .. it is a honour to have shared it with so many people.. usually in these events you find that people can shut down but i am so pleased that even though my baby boy is not here anymore he memory and his photos are seen by so many people. how many people can say they have seen a 21 week old baby ? its something that is not always talked about or seen .. i am so glad to have shared liam with you ....
god bless and take care
xxxx
ness
__________________
Me: 27 DH :32
DS Liam Matthew Born sleeping at 21 weeks 5th May 2008 forever in our hearts
Liam?s Montage http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site...m_medium=email
Liam?s Story-http://www.butterfly-angels.com/story/LiamM/LiamM.html
Ness - I am so sorry for your loss - I am currently facing a similar problem - our little girl has a cyst but thankfully it is on her skull and they dont think its attached to the brain - BUt i am having a MRI monday .. and i hope to god i dont have to face the same fate you have had to face.
ness hunny first im so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little man liam he was so lucky to have you both as parents.
your mantage is just beautiful and liam is perfect.
take care of yourself and a huge welcome to bellybelly
What a beautiful little boy,i was in tears watching your montage and also in awe of your strength. Your amazing and your little boy i am sure thinks so too.
Ness thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy. Your montage is beautiful and thank you so much for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Ness, thankyou for having the courage to share your heart filled story, I sit here with tears pouring down my face, and they continued to tumble as I watched your montage, it was just beautiful. Liam is loved by so many, the photos are a testimony to that, what priceless memories, he is watching over all of you.
Ness, I am humbled. Thank you for sharing your story of sweet little Liam with us. I sit here with tears streaming for you. What a perfect little angel he is.
I am so very glad that you were able to get some precious photos of your little man and that you have been able to do yourself some healing with sharing your story.
{{{HUGS}}} for you Ness. Words cannot describe how sorry I am to hear of your little boy's passing. Liam is now your little angel & he will always be there for you & your family. Unfortunately, there are quite a few of us who understand your pain. Thank you for sharing your montage. He is a true angel.
Ness, I am writing this in tears. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are inspiring. Liam Matthew has a very strong woman as a mother.
I don't know what to say... but I think it is the greatest gift you can give to your little man to be able to release him the way you did...
Ness, I am amazed by your strength and am so proud that you are able to grieve in such a positive way for your beautiful son Liam. After reading your story and watching Liam's montage, I don't think I have cried this hard since I lost my own angel.
It is such a gift that you and your family where able to spend time with Liam after his birth. The photos convey every bit of love that every person in that room held for your son.
Thank you so much for sharing yours and Liam's story with us.
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i lost my beautiful baby boy at 21 weeks due to abnormalities
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