Sexy or not so sexy?

[Emmykate82]

Hi Ladies,

I have been absent from the forums for a while as i have had so much to deal with.

I have not really enjoyed my pregnancy, although i am dying to meet my bubba and desperately want to hold her and get to know her. If it wasn't anxiety about m/c or then the morning sickness, the stress of premature labour, reflux, bub's 'quiet days' freaking me out or the stretch marks.. it was my marriage or money woes.

My DH has admitted to a drinking problem, after a very ugly night where he was very aggressive (not towards me physically) verbally and smashed a window at home. He has been completely dry now for like 6 weeks or more, and i am so proud of him. He has no desire to drink or even any craving for it. He also lost his job at the time, putting enormous pressure on us because of the mortgage and current economic climate. Luckily things are just starting to settle and our mortgage company has agreed to a 4 month repreive due to the economic crisis.

So... i am finally feeling good (heavy, refluxy, tired).. but pretty good in general. Finishing up at work next week... and have sex on the brain constantly
I don't want to make a big deal of it, but since DH has stopped drinking we haven't 'you know'... in fact he isn't interested at all.... he isn't craving it, doesn't want it, and is not aroused by the idea of it... not from me, or pics or vids or anything. At first i just let it go... but now i am starting to feel really hurt - irrational i know - it's just that this pregnancy has been SO HARD, and now this last little bit i am feeling good and sexy and it never feels good to be turned down.... i just wish there was something i could do. he doesnt seem very affectionate or touchy feely... i don't think it has anything to do with the baby, more to do with the stress of things and the not drinking etc.... i just needed to vent because it is making me miserable.

[Glamourcide]

Just wanted to offer you some big hugs, sweetie. Hopefully some of the other girls will be able to offer some useful advice for you I wish I could help but I'm pretty useless so all I can tell you is to stay strong, look after yourself, and I hope things between you and DP improve soon!!

[LaDeeDa]

Emmykate82 ... it's not you!
First of all congrats to your DH and you for surviving such a hard time - it's not easy.
My DH dried out 2 weeks before we discovered I was pregnant (we were separated) and for the first 3 months his libido was affected as drinking so much really does affect everything and it takes a while for things to get back to where they should be after drying out.
Also if he was using grog to deal with stress he might be feeling completely overloaded and also guilty for the way he treated you and the stress of not being the "provider".
My DH has been sober for 15 months now and he is still beating himself up over his behaviour in our first 4.5 years together.
Maybe encourage him to talk to someone - not necessarily in a formal sitting ...if he has a supportive mate or father or something like that he probably needs to get it all out.
My DH is the strong silent type and he went to AA....big thing for him but he went to a few meetings to undestand that he's not the only one with this prob....

Try talking to him about how you are feeling ...it might be that he is so self absorbed at the moment he hasn't even considered how you might be affeced....I'm sure it's not intentional but there are a lot of things that come along with being sober ...not just avoiding drinking...

I hope this made sense....I am really tired ...LOL

If you need anything feel free to PM me

[Emmykate82]

Thanks for your support Glamourcide. I am positive things will improve, i just wish i could get a little bit of the pleasantries out of this last part of my pregnancy!

Thanks for your advice LaDeeDa. It is reassuring to know that someone else made it through this kind of thing. I know you are right about things taking time to get back to normal after ceasing drinking. And i am so very proud of my DH. We even had a wedding for close friends on the weekend, and he didnt even consider a drink for a second.. he has just become a mega coca cola addict! You are also totally right about the 'provider' thing, as with his loss of job and income and the trouble with the mortgage etc, it is all alot of pressure. I am trying to encourage him to talk about it, but unfortunately he is not a talker.. not to anyone... and his parents have passed, which is even harder for him. I'm trying really hard not to be selfish about stuff and i am being so encouraging towards him every day, you know, telling him that i think he is wonderful for going out there and finding a job so quickly, even though it isn't what he wants to be doing and it isn't fun or exciting.. and that i am so proud of him for getting through the wedding without drinking and for each day that he is sober. I just hope he bonds well with the baby.

Tomorrow is a little test. It is our first antenatal class (we are doing a 2 day crash course over 2 x saturdays) and i think it will be an indicator of his level of interest in the baby stuff, which i think to be honest he just feels a bit left out of really, because he is male obviously and it is not happening to him.

I'm going to stay positive and hope that things improve with time. There is no point in adding extra pressure to our situation... afterall sex isn't everything i suppose (although damn it is good when i get it hahaha )!

[LaDeeDa]

I completely understand where you are coming from with them feeling left out ...
DH and I used to have huge arguments about him not wanting to feel the baby move etc. But the minute DS was born DH has been completely devoted ever since.

Try and remember it's easy for us to get that instant bond as we feel and experience everything - as DH once told me - it's just a bump....

I think your doing a great ob ... just keep encouraging and supporting him and I am sure that things will get better.

If you ever need anything let me know.