This time Im doing it. Really.

Ive posted a few times over the years about my issues with DF and not being happy in my relationship. Well on Tues I finally bit the bullet. I spoke to my mw at my 6w check up and got a referral to the social worker and psych at the hosp. I spoke to the social worker on Thurs and she, along with the midwives have confirmed for me that it is an abusive relationship.
The social worker has given me some phone numbers to call to take steps to get out. Im still waiting to hear back from the psych.

Im scared and overwhelmed by it all but I'm not going to let it stop me this time. Im sick of being miserable and feeling like I can't do anything right. I have had enough. I dont want to live like this anymore and I don't want my children subjected to this toxic relationship anymore.

I want to get up and leave now but have to get a few things sorted out first.

So I'm just putting it out there for now.

The more I talk about it, the more accountable I am and likely to follow through.
The more I talk about it the stronger I feel.

I AM doing it this time.

Good for you!! :hug:

You have a huge journey head of you, believe me, and it will be hard and emotional, but you will discover just how much more powerful you are in your own life than anyone else could ever be.
And that alone is worth all the effort.

I - we - are all here if you need anything. x

Good for you! That takes alot of courage. And im so proud you have raken these steps. Wishing you all the strength to carry on with the next steps. Xo

Good for you honey :hug:

It is something very hard to talk about and you're so strong being able to recognise and even want to leave. I hope you can continue with it and it wont get too hard x

Great to hear H if you need ANYTHING you have my number xxx

Thanks girls. Im already doing 99% of the parenting/ home stuff myself anyway so I dont see that changing much - aside from DS adjusting to the change. I feel awful taking him away from his Daddy but we will all be better for it in the long term.

After making this decision Im so much calmer. A massive weight has been lifted. Im an infinity better parent already. So much more patience.
I knew I was stressed but didnt realise how much it was affecting me.

I'm so, so happy to see this thread Calluna :hug:

You're right, this will be a temporary change in him - a couple of days of niceness don't make up for years of crap. He could somehow be picking up on your attitude and it's subconsciously affecting him, but he can't change just like that, it won't last.

Vent away here when you need, get all the online support you need, we'll all be here for you :hug:

I cant see a lot of venting coming lol.
I just cant wait for the suicide and take away my children threats.

/sarcasm

They worked last time. They wont this time. Im going to find out my rights re my children and how to leave with them and safely.

Well done. I'm so glad you have come to a final decision. Your a strong woman! You will be much happier once your settled hope everything falls into place for you and your children. We are all here for you. X

The threats are part of the abuse, of making sure you don't go anywhere. I don't know your df, but I don't think his wellbeing is your responsibility when he clearly cares so little for yours.

I'm so glad you're getting the help and support you need, and hope you get as much as possible done so you can leave quickly, easily and safely nice and soon.

You don't know how glad I am to see this thread lovely. He is a manipulative, abusive twat and I'm glad you've decide to leave him. You CAN do this and we are all here to help in whatever way we can

Very proud of you :) whatever happens you are already one step closer xox

When my ex threatened suicide (by SMS no less) I rang the police and got them to deal with it. He didn't pull that card again.

One step at a time, you can do it. Good luck.

Vent away chick. It is going to be hard. It is going to suck some days. But it is going to be worth it for you.
You sound like you are armed at the moment with great advice and hopefully support.
Much courage and strength to you as you travel this path.

It's a huge step to admit what's going on huni and I'm so proud of you. Message me for a chat huni anytime. My aunty had 28 years of Dv and had left multiple times. He almost killed her in the end then commited suicide. He was a psychopath. Sorry to babble just wanted you to know I understand completely. Congrats as well xxx

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Generally if you are spending more than 1/3 of your income on rent/mortgage you are considered to be under mortgage/rental stress and it isn't sustainable in the long term. But it depends a bit on your other expenses as well so your figures would probably be hard but manageable.
Social workers etc might be able to help you find accessible housing to reduce the costs further.
Also, start stocking up a bit on the expensive things like washing powder, sunscreen, nappies & wipes etc as you won't notice it in the weekly shop but will be really helpful later on.

Did that include your rent assistance?

You can do this, I think a budget would really help but given what you've had to work with over the last couple of years I honestly think you will be a million times better off on so many levels :hug:

I'm happy to see that you are getting out of the relationship, my sister was in a dv relationship (thrown against walls, horribly beaten etc) and it took her 2 years to leave.

Can you move to a cheaper part of brisbane? I know where i live there are cheap rentals in units and townhouses etc - I'm north of brisbane. If you move near me I can help you! We also have lots of support where I live because it is a known low income area - we have cheap groceries if you need it (a trolley for $30 in particular) so that always helps relieve some of the financial pressure.

Always here to help if I can!

Also on top of CL you'll have child support from ex, get them to deal with it and get it from him, I really wouldn't go with a private arrangement.

:hug:

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Just got off the phone to clink.
- 2 kids + 1 adult living on 660 pw in Bris. Is that doable?
We recieve more than that now and less expenses but I don't know where a lot of it goes as he controls all the money. Plus Im feeding 2 extra adults (df and mil). So Im not sure what to base it on.

Im thinking 300 to rent still leaves me with 360 pw for everything else. Would that cover it?

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You can do it, you can. Don't forget you might get child support and rent assistance? And you'll have a health care card which can reduce costs of utilities and things. Always ask!!

I'm also in Brisbane if you need any help or things or just someone to hang out with.

ETA: Also 'they' say the 1/3rd thing for rent/mortgage but when you're on a low income it never really works like that, rent just doesn't scale that far down. We are on a little more per week than that and about 55% of our income is spent on rent (we had to have somebody go guarantor on our initial rental agreement though we didn't have rental/loan history because I've never borrowed money and we both came out of our parents homes at that point and my past rentals were always in DD1s dads name etc etc so it would have been quite the risk for a someone to take) but we are fine. You make it work.

I was hoping to stay in the carindale area (mt gravatt would be fine) because Ive just enrolled ds in kindy for next year and he loves it there. If we cant I will go further but itd be better to stay here if we can.

Ive just been looking at rentals and there is a few under 300 a week but not much. There was a place with bright pink interior. Lol Im sure DS would love that. Hes obsessed with pink things lol

Unless he is likely to be supportive of your leaving, don't count on Child Support in your calculations if you can. If you can consider it a bonus and if you get it wonderful, but if you are counting on it to survive and it isn't forth coming then you could end up stuck when you need it most. :twocents:

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I was hoping to stay in the carindale area (mt gravatt would be fine) because Ive just enrolled ds in kindy for next year and he loves it there. If we cant I will go further but itd be better to stay here if we can.

Ive just been looking at rentals and there is a few under 300 a week but not much. There was a place with bright pink interior. Lol Im sure DS would love that. Hes obsessed with pink things lol

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I know you have said you want to stay in that area, but if it helps, DD2 is going to kindy next year, and they are an awesome kindy and I know they still have vacancies. They are a C&K one as well but a community kindy so if you have a health care card, the fees are about $2 a day (I think, its around $33 a term from memory).

Anyway, just putting it out there. I'm sure you will find something, even if it is pink LOL

Thanks Mel. I appreciate it.
If its not possible to stay here I might make that my next choice. Where are you? Pm me if you don't want it on the boards. :)

You can add me on Facebook if you like - pretty sure we have lots of mutual friends ;)

Ok :) off to hunt you down then :ninja:


Edit: Done :)

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I know you have said you want to stay in that area, but if it helps, DD2 is going to kindy next year, and they are an awesome kindy and I know they still have vacancies. They are a C&K one as well but a community kindy so if you have a health care card, the fees are about $2 a day (I think, its around $33 a term from memory).

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Check that out with centrelink as here in Victoria health care card holders are not to be charged any fees, that includes if what there is a difference between what the government funds and the kinder charges. That's for next year, I'm unsure about this year

Thanks Olive. Ill add it to my list. Lol

Our kinder is going up next year but she said it would still be less than 50 a term.

I feel so bad deceiving MIL. Our kitchen is finally almost finished and shes asking me what bench top I want and I don't want to choose. I'm trying to get her to go with what she likes but she won't and keeps telling me I'm the one who has to live with it so its up to me. :wall:

Don't worry about your MIL. Does she know what her son is like? If so, I would hope she would understand when the dust settles.

If nothing else, tell her you simply can't decide and are happy with her choice of bench tops.

It's just a bench. Whatever you choose ultimately won't matter, it'll serve it's purpose. Unless you wanna go choose something really ugly that no one else will want to live with! If I were you I'd just pick something neutral that matches the rest of the kitchen and won't cost her much.

After all this she can't hold anything against you. You can't be expected to stay in this relationship for the sake of his mother and benchtops.

She has spent tens of thousands on this place to make it nice for us. Its not just benches, that was just the current example.
I guess I just feel bad that its finally almost finished and Im leaving.
It wont change my decision but I feel bad about it.

Double

Yeah, it does suck. Especially if you get along and she's been kind to you. But it is her house and she's making it nice for her too, and anyone else who may live there now oe in the future. It'll be good for her son who I'm assuming will stay there, and it'll be good if she sells or rents it.

Hi Calluna, Well done on your choice :)

I to was going to say based on when I left a dv relationship, Its best to work your budget out without adding child support as you can not be sure he will pay it. That being said after months of not receiving it and then when I did he had worked out when it was paid to me he would come over and take it back.So while it looked like he was paying it (as he was) he was taking it back. Anyway after all that I had a apt with clink and a social worker and they made me exempt from having to claim it, they re-assessed it every year. And now its been lifted and he pays it.But if it gets like that that can be an option.

You will also get rent assistance too.

As for the MIL thing, if she really wont let it go and you have to choose maybe say something like you would like it if you both picked it together, that way she thinks she's getting what she wants and yet she will be somewhat choosing the one she likes?? Other wise just pick whatever and let it be water off a ducks back.

I would also slowly start moving the things that are near and dear to you out of the house eg photos, trinkets ect that way you wont have to fight to keep them or risk them being damaged, not saying he would but he may damage them to get at you out of anger.
And while your there maybe do the same with your fav linens homewares ect too

Teeki - Yeah I know..

Hi Calluna, Well done on your choice :)

I to was going to say based on when I left a dv relationship, Its best to work your budget out without adding child support as you can not be sure he will pay it. That being said after months of not receiving it and then when I did he had worked out when it was paid to me he would come over and take it back.So while it looked like he was paying it (as he was) he was taking it back. Anyway after all that I had a apt with clink and a social worker and they made me exempt from having to claim it, they re-assessed it every year. And now its been lifted and he pays it.But if it gets like that that can be an option.

You will also get rent assistance too.

As for the MIL thing, if she really wont let it go and you have to choose maybe say something like you would like it if you both picked it together, that way she thinks she's getting what she wants and yet she will be somewhat choosing the one she likes?? Other wise just pick whatever and let it be water off a ducks back.

I would also slowly start moving the things that are near and dear to you out of the house eg photos, trinkets ect that way you wont have to fight to keep them or risk them being damaged, not saying he would but he may damage them to get at you out of anger.
And while your there maybe do the same with your fav linens homewares ect too

I am assuming that I will only get a very minimal amount of cs. He is on a very low income. And thats if he pays it at all. -.-

I tend to like the more neutral stuff anyway. So I'll just pick what I think is nice and hope for the best. Its only laminate too so if she eeally , ates it she can change it before selling without losing heaps of money.

Good idea about getting things out. I can think of a couple of things already that he wouldnt notice had gone..

That's it, at the end of the day its only a bench lol

Also I forgot before but important documents you should move else where too like birth crts ect. Any photos saved on a computer make usb copies too :)

Mm maybe I could ask for an external hdd for christmas. Then I can transfer all my piccies onto that before I leave. Lol