Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?

I've noticed lately there's been a lot of "hate" for the BB community and I have to say I'm baffled.

Yeah people are always going to annoy us, but why do we always focus on the negatives?

Why is it if one person (or a select few) annoy us everyone is tarnished with the same brush as a whole, by being annoyed by the entire community?

And why is it that when things annoy us we don't look inwards to see why? And what we can do to stop it from happening in the future. I dunno but if someone specifically annoys me (and I'll be honest some do LOL just as I'm sure I annoy others too!) I ignore them (yes I have an ignore list too :p) and avoid them where possible. If a certain mentality annoys me I avoid it. If I enter into a discussion with someone who likes the last word I leave and let them.

I look around and see so many beautiful relationships. So many causes we've all rallied for (and I mean for our members) which makes us all connected in love and support.

And no this isn't me pointing the finger out there and sitting high on my perch saying how awesome I am. I am guilting of it too... I just thought maybe we should change our personal approach to situations/threads etc and maybe we can focus on what we love rather than all this raging angsty hate bizzo.

Feel free to laugh at me if you like. But it's just an afternoon pondering whilst I sit here dosed up on cold & flu meds :lol:

Oh and if you are looking for daisy chains and kumbaya you'll have to source that on your own LOL. But if you're nice I've got Vodka and Chocolate Cake.

i guess in the same way we can love a community, we can be disappointed in the same community. it is often easier to express a distate of the vibe of a "place" at a particular time than it is to label each person that is bugging you.

in general, i love, and feel at home at BB - but there are times when the whole vibe of BB in general just bugs me - so i take a time out. i try to work out if it's me, or what is actually happening on/around BB. and when i'm not the only person feeling like that, i tend to feel it's not about my/our perception, but something that is happening HERE.

i personally get really disappointed in BB (as a whole) when good intentions are twisted into something completely unrelated. i know it's the nature of the beast for things to evolve, but, particularly of late, it seems to be happening a lot more often. it's not something that can be pinned on one individual that you can ignore. it appears, to ME, to be a "group mentality" issue. yes, that is a generalisation - but it's how it appears from reading some of the threads that have gone amiss. maybe that's my perception of it though - if it's only me that feels this way, i'll own that (lol)

I've been working on my reactions to things lately, examining *why* I react to certain things in certain ways. Am I frustrated, am I projecting? Am I feeling guilt or regret or insecure over some of my own choices that ave been raised some place? Am I jealous? And then, why do I feel that way, and what can I do to reconcile those feelings? I am a hot headed person, and I'm still learning that the world will not end if I don't throw my 2 bob in :lol: Then I can sit back, reflect and examine how I'm feeling. At the end of the day, BB is a great community. Heck, we all have ouur own thoughts and opinions, we need to learn to differentiate between personal attacks, and opposing opinions. I think for the sheer number of people on here, and then all the different people, all from different walks of life, we do okay here. Great post Rouge, I was nodding my head the whole way through :)

Screw the diet..Im cutting me some Vodka and chocolate cake!!!

I learnt long ago to step back and have a look at how my actions, words, gestures would reflect me onto others..know what...i didnt like what I saw.

I taught myself to turn my ears and eyes of from my own views and beliefs and try to hear what the other person/s is saying doing from their view. No I dont 'like" what some others here say....I get so dame frustrated at certain people and I could so biartch slap them silly..so yes its bloody hard....I slip, I get agro and head butt the nearest stoby pole fiercly and afterwards feel like such an immature dumb arse.

I now turn the computer off, go outside and get some fresh air...hell I actually get some housework done :ROFL:

Pulling the um...**** ;) is what get's me through, even if its at myself its better then at someone else KWIM

I have been guilty of not so much 'hating' the BB community but let down by it. At times i too have been annoyed by something a person said but then coming to know that person it never seemed to bother me anymore. I never had an ignore list as there was nobodys threads/posts i wanted to avoid but if there was one i didnt like i just never said anything. Now my ignore list is huge as i am sure i am on a lot of peoples ignore list. I never came to realise how annoying i guess i am until recently but that wasn't being told to my face (well one had the guts to) others i happened to read. I'm not here to place blame on anybody, i know i have some issues i need to address and deal with, also a bit more growing up and maturing to do. I still have A LOT to learn about parenting but over time and with the help of BB all of that will happen.

If i sit here and think about my time on BB and it has been mostly a positive experience. I have made some great friends, the girls from Canberra are absolutely lovely :)

Why do we blame the community? Because it creates the environment where we express our views, and get them debated. Ummmm at risk of coming across as a snob, or worse, - our community has grown substantially in the past little while and it's hard to adjust to. Hard for me to adjust to. When I get a whiff of a scandal, I'm there. I'm wanting to see who is damaging my community. I want to defend it, keep it the same. But to find a really, really valid point in the opposition's argument is a breath of fresh air. And that shows me what a twit I've been.

We have forged alliances through shared history and confidences - and when these change, we grieve.

Sticks out empty glass *pass the vodka m'dear* The chocolate cake can wait..

I know for me, when I'm not in a good place emotionally I find it easier to cope with life when I push the focus outside myself. I like to blame others around me for lifes short comings, or blame the lack of support. Heck, we moved from Brisbane with lack of support being one of my reasons and I had close friends around me there.

The thing is, when I am in a good place, I feel totally supported, and that I have close ties with many around me. Why do I need to feel supported and why do I need to have close ties to others? Well I guess thats human nature, our desire to be a part of a community or a "group". I guess I've never worried too much about what others think of me. I really don't care that much, I just want to be able to support others. and help people on their journeys.

With BB, I've been quiet over the past year or two since Matilda's been sick and diagnosed with Autism. I focus more on the areas where I can contribute and I help administrate the forums behind the scenes. It doesn't mean I don't care about the community, or invest energy into it, I guess I just focus on other areas of concern.

That's an awesome perspective Kazbah and I think that is so true.

I hate scandal. Blurgh. I want to jump on it with my big big boots.

Maz your post reminds me of a wonderful saying I read on the very first parenting forum I was a part of. "Never post in anger. Step away from the keyboard and come back when you are feeling better" or something like that. I wonder if more people did this it would make it easier on all of us.

/me swipes christy's share of chocolate cake.

mwaaaaaaaaaaaa

I'll take the cake thanks.

I think we all feel that BB is "ours" and that's why sometimes things come to a head when we feel at odds with the consensus (even if it's just one particular discussion in one particular thread). Don't mess with what's mine!

But cake is more important I think

Pretty much everything Kazbah said. What I take from her post (and I apologise if this is totally NOT where you were going with yours, Kaz!) is that places like BB are my 'safe places', my support network, where I have friends and know the 'system' and feel like I can come here whenever I need help, advice, a friendly ear or to share what's going on in my IRL life, as well as be a part of a community that is full of women (and men) I hold in very high regard - it makes me feel good to be 'one of them' and to help others the way they've helped me.
Then, when I see 'the system' changing or an influx of new people arrive and find that my 'safe place' is becoming something different to what I have known it to be, yeah, I get angsty about it. I'm a creature of comfort and habit and I prefer things to just stay the way they always were in that sort of sense. It bugs me that the whole attitude and direction of a familiar place (or people) can seem to slowly do a 180 and suddenly I'm like, 'Where am I?'

The past week or so has been, to use Kazbah's word, 'scandalous' - I've missed some of the goings-on but what I *have* seen happen, I feel sad about. This isn't what I joined BB for, this isn't who I want us as a community to be. And yet here we are. Is that a problem with me making assumptions or projecting something about myself onto a 'faceless' website, or is it that it *is* the 'fault' of the community somehow? I don't know, I'm still sorting through the events of the past week or two and coming to a conclusion on that.

I guess for me, the urge to blame the 'community' rather than individual members is there just because it's easier to take issue with a group rather than an individual - of course there are members of this board that I have butted heads with in the past and surely I will continue to find people I just don't gel with purely because it's human nature and we can't get along with all the people, all of the time. Some usernames, they pop up and I cringe... 'Ugh, *this* person again?' but there's no point in me 'taking it up' with these people as the disputes I have had with them are either long past (and we're 'over it') or I just don't count them as being worthy of my effort, so I don't bother.
In that sense, it's easier for me to lay the blame at the foot of 'the system' or the community itself because my petty issues with individuals are so insignificant in the big scheme of things - why bother them by telling them what I think of them or what they have said that has put me offside when really, it's just going to make them feel bad? They have the right to an opinion same as I do, I'm not going to punish them for feeling or saying whatever they like.

Ummm... this is just turning into a big ramble. But it is how I feel about things :) I just don't like it when my 'happy place' is being 'threatened', whether it be by a general shift in attitudes (which I know is natural) or certain people coming in and stirring things up, itms.

Very eloquently put Ms D. I think you've explained yourself very well not rambly at all.

I guess for me I see our community like any other... almost like a school yard if you will. There are many different types of people, and some stick together and some don't and then there are the ones that regardless of the clothes they wear, or the beliefs they hold they flit to and from them all. And sometimes the loudest group shiats off the rest and sometimes everyone joins in and makes fun out of it. But in the end when there is a crisis they are all there to hold each other up no matter what.

But I guess like school I didn't hate school because of certain groups, trends or waves. I hated the trend/wave or group.

When it comes to scandals, I hate them because it really brings out the worst in people and like the bog of eternal stench one foot in it and you'll smell bad for the rest of your life. So I run far from them.

i dunno, it takes a bit to phase me, i generally shake me head and step away if something is going to get my back up. Not IRL mind you, but i don't really like arguing/discussing seriously over the computer. I rely heavily on facial expressions, body language to read a person's intentions behind their words. I find on the computer i often don't see where some posts/threads are coming from. And i suppose that is one of the reasons for people getting their backs up about things, it's easy to take things the wrong way on a computer screen. For example, i know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it comes from deep inside me and i can't control it! I am a smart arse by nature. :p People who have met me, generally 'get' me, but i find often others don't. I don't really connect with people on-line. Maybe b/c i don't offer much of myself to cyber space. :dunno:
Anyway i digress....

I have noticed when people are feeling vulnerable, a little on edge, upset, they react much more strongly to things that perhaps when they are feeling stronger and more confident they'd let go iykwim. If i'm feeling down, i avoid posting, some people post more. Guess we're all different.

And i have to say Kaileysmummy, i admit to shaking me head at a few of your posts :redface:, please forgive my honesty, but i stand up and applaud your one in this thread. Good on you.

To be honest i haven't really noticed a shift in attitude, maybe that's the whole mushroom thing again. But i honestly think if an on-line forum is upsetting you and effecting your daily life then maybe you need to think about stepping back a bit.

The BB community is like family away from family. When our family hurts we hurt with them. Often DS will come home with mates right on dinner time, DH and myself have eaten less to give to them, his friends are his community. When we feel someone within our community is being hurt by others words we want to protect them, we want to protect our community.

Regards,
Dianne

And I'd just like to say I'm not talking about any particular situation here, so lets not make it about one thing iykwim? I'm just talking overall.

But do you hate your community if you are hurting Dianne? I don't get the relevance sorry (too much chocolate cake I think ;))

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Oh and if you are looking for daisy chains and kumbaya you'll have to source that on your own LOL.

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I have the daisy chains and kumbaya, if anyone is looking. Which might give you some insight into how I deal with annoyance. To be honest, the bible verse that's come to mind for me a lot regarding BB lately is this: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger". Too true, too true....now. Off to the daisies.

I think it's very easy to hate the community if you are hurting, as the community is a mirror to yourself. And often if you're hurting, you lash out, and hate what you've done. And hate those who've witnessed it.

I wasn't a popular kid in school. I am used to being on my own. And like Junglemum my humour is mostly one-liners and sarcasm - which can work well when you're seeing someone's face mid-delivery.

Glamourcide - yes, that is what I was trying to get at.

i know that this may of been said before but i totally reckon the 'hate' stuff that comes up within BB is TOTALLY seasonal lol! every time there is a change in the seasons ppl go barmy and start lookin' for a F.I.G.H.T. lol!

I *think* that when a person feels threatened or bullied even if by one member their 'safe' place that they have mentally created within the BB community is cracked, and particularly if it's the first time that it has happened it can send you reeling. (at least that was how it was for me!). but then i whimpered to a close friend from BB and they were able to remind me that it was one person and that i could 'block' them! :) oh happy days! in the end i didnt put them on my ignore list as i am able to totally ignore them during my perusals and ever since havent felt the way i did again. i dont think i would call it 'taking a step back', rather a 'step in another direction'. similar to what JungleMum mentioned: i had to learn the hard way that i need IRL situations for some topics/support, not a computer...it was a hard lesson for me, but one that was needed itms.

*oh, and how i wish i could partake of the vodka* ohhhhh mmmmm!

I've learned for me if I am reacting badly it's stirred up something inside me that needs to be looked at. I personally would like to thinkt hat that is what BB does. It makes us think. Stirs up some of our stuff so we can see it more clearly. It's a mirror.

"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."

Confucius (551-479 BC)

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If i'm feeling down, i avoid posting, some people post more. Guess we're all different.

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I'm exactly the same on that one, Junglemum. Many's the time I've had to step away from the computer for anything from a few hours until I've cooled down, to a few weeks when I'm going through some IRL stuff and find that online stuff is just adding unnecessary stress and I'm not feeling capable of handling it in the best way I can. I'm very proud to be able to say this, as it's not something I would have done just a couple of years ago - I have had to learn that the world isn't going to end if I don't get the last word, that things blow over and nobody is going to sit at their computer months later laughing behind my back that I was the coward who bowed out of a discussion when I had flared up and been shot down, itms. I've learned when to hold my tongue and ignore something that's irritating me rather than taking the bait.

Thanks, Rouge :) To follow on from your schoolyard analogy, I have to say that I agree - although in my case (and here I am actually talking about my school years and not a forum lol), I did find fault with particular groups rather than individuals - ie, I have a problem with Kelsey and Sarah, but instead of being mad at just them, I'll hate on their whole group just because they're 'guilty by association' or the girls' friends will either sit back and watch them pick on me, or will join in, itms. In high school, I did end up changing schools because at the time I felt that I had zero support from anybody - so I decided that the abuse to which I was being subjected was not only the fault of the perpetrators themselves, but I blamed every other pupil AND the teachers and admin because not one of them stepped in to help me when I was vulnerable, itms... so I guess I can understand why it's common for people to fault a whole community rather than take issue with particular individuals, especially if they feel that they're being 'ganged up on', so to speak. Why aren't other individuals stepping in to speak up for me? Why is everybody either sitting idly by and watching this occur, or jumping on the bandwagon and hurting me as well?

I really didn't explain myself very well did I? I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes :shakehead:. If I have been hurt by someone within a community I don't blame the community, it was that one person whereas a community is made of many people. Sometimes though people within a community can spoil that community and that may be the case when people tend to blame the community and not the person. Geez I don't know if this has made any more sense than my previous post. Ok I think I need the vodka.

Regards,
Dianne

Glam that's what I was getting at too and starting to learn; that the discussion or whatever is happening will still go forth and everything. Will. Be. Okay. if I *don't* contribute ;) kwim? That and stepping back and having a breather.

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I guess for me I see our community like any other... almost like a school yard if you will. There are many different types of people, and some stick together and some don't and then there are the ones that regardless of the clothes they wear, or the beliefs they hold they flit to and from them all. And sometimes the loudest group shiats off the rest and sometimes everyone joins in and makes fun out of it. But in the end when there is a crisis they are all there to hold each other up no matter what.

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I see it like that too :)

I agree with other posters about it being a general shift in attitude/behaviour that is easier to get upset with rather than individuals. There are a few people who I too cringe at when I see they've posted. But I've never had an ignore list! Wow... so some of you have a long ignore list?? I think that in itself speaks quite loudly about the "community" here, and I think that's a bit sad that members are being ignored :( I'm pretty unphased by things as well. Some threads get me thinking and I let myself get involved, but I'm rarely upset by anything I read or debate about. Water off a duck's back :)

I do think tho that it's fair enough to be upset about the feel of a community as a whole. We often hear of people leaving mother's groups/playgroups because they didn't like the general feel of the group, not necessarily the individuals, just that little community in general. Some people don't like going to clubs because they don't like the general feel of that group of people or the way things are "done" there. If someone doesn't like the way the things are "done" here or the way people behave here, I think that's fine. I think it's a bit silly to persevere and keep hanging out here if it's really upsetting you. Move on and find a place that does work for you.

And back to the school yard analogy.. yes, there is school yard politics and that's not laying blame with the school, but if you are unhappy with the way the school is run or it's philosophy, or the way it handles situations, then it IS the school, so you either give it some more time or you change schools. Not really different to which parenting forum you decide to frequent :)

ETA: just realised I didn't think about the 'blaming ourselves' bit. Will be back after some thought :)

Fwiw I don't have an ignore list, I don't write people off that easily, and if I realllly don't want to read what someone has to write, I just flat out ignore that post. Even if I am replying to a thread, I will just not respond to a particular person. But if people want to have one, why not? Whatever helps us enjoy our community to the full.

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Fwiw I don't have an ignore list, I don't write people off that easily, and if I realllly don't want to read what someone has to write, I just flat out ignore that post. Even if I am replying to a thread, I will just not respond to a particular person. But if people want to have one, why not? Whatever helps us enjoy our community to the full.

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Ditto... I pick my places to reply or not reply cos I know that sometimes it's not worth it. If I choose to reply it usually takes a really long time to get it worded in such a way that it's not attacking but saying what I need to say. Oh and ... lol I didn't even know there was an ignore list :rofl:

I also don't do the ignore thing either. I think we all have a story. We all have bad days. We are all growing and changing in every second. We are all different people today than we were yesterday. I don't ignore people on the street so I don't do it in here. I may choose not to post or not to comment or reply or whatever but not to pretend someone else doesn't exist. For me that's part of the growth - negotiating a whole community of people - some whom are very easy for me to love, respect & admire & others who are more of a challenge. That's true for each of us. That's human nature. :hug:

I'm not saying people shouldn't have an ignore list. Heck, if it stops them arguing with them all the time.. good LOL. But I do think it's a sad side to the community and defeats the purpose of the community in a way if people are being ignored. Surely not everything someone says is irritating... and just because they say some irritating stuff.. why ignore their threads that might be asking for help or support? That's what I think is sad about it.

There's been a number of times I've learned more about a person's story along the way which has helped me understand why they are so sensitive or narky about some things. Ignoring them eliminates that opportunity to get a bit more insight which can make me more inclined to overlook some of their behaviour and continue to help/support them as much as anyone else.

hmmm, I'm not sue that I agree that BB has changed a great deal. I think that people change and they assume that the change is with BB when it's actually with them. Since I've been here we've grown a lot (numerically) and become less focused on the 'earth mothery' stuff. Now we have spaces for parenting routines & programs, c-section support, formula feeding support and a whole heap of other niche areas. Even though the forum has grown in all these ways I think that on the whole the philosophy of providing a safe space for parents to discuss parenting remains. Nothing is closer to a parent's heart than their children so a parenting forum is bound to see emotions running high sometimes, which means that there is a fine line to tread between allowing an adult discourse and keeping the forum peaceful.
Me, I don't blame the community. I put myself through uni working in bars and nightclubs so I know very well that 'there is one in every crowd' and when the crowd is large like BellyBelly is then there will be more than one. I guess to me the thing that is puzzling is those members who feel that they have to go on a mission to change BB and do so by trying to stir up other members and rally support for their 'cause'. I really don't understand their motivation.

Rouge, I'm disappointed by the lack of daisy chains and kumbaya but that's ok because I've got Sunshine and Lolliops.... :p

ETA - maybe I do have my days where I blame the community.I certainly have found myself thinking 'why the hell does everyone take things so personally?' when really I should be thinking 'oops so and so took that really personally maybe I should try to remember that next time'.

ETA 2 - I don't have an ignore list. I don't need one. If I don't like a person I find it hard to interact with them.

I didn't know about ignore lists either!!

I find I draft more posts than I submit iykwim? Sometimes if I feel provoked I might write a response to 'have my say' but then hit cancel instead...I really don't see the need in replying unless some value can be added.

I like the idea than glamourcide raised about bb being a safe place, a special place and I can see that in the way many people post- forging friendships, making supportive posts and giving rep points, assigning pig's etc.

I tend to use bb to challenge my thinking, so I think I can be guilty of rocking the boat...but that bevauseci have never met such a bunch of intelligent, supportive and loving people! You all rock.

I also tend to remember the names of those I like and forget those I don't click with too. I hate the idea someone would cringe at anothers name...but then again, it's not a popularity contest, and sometimes I think people find it hard to remember this...especially when those threads emerge about 'who you know' etc

Yep I'm another under the Bodhi tree in my tie dyed skirt, plaits, kumbaya, peace pipe & yes daisy chains...

oh... and on a side point... I didn't think mods/admin would have ignore lists? How does one get on these? :think: I could let loose and no mods would see! hahahah

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oh... and on a side point... I didn't think mods/admin would have ignore lists? How does one get on these? :think: I could let loose and no mods would see! hahahah

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We'd still be able to read the reports about you :p

Way to go for making me feel bad for needing to preserve my sanity Liz!

I'm probably one of the few people that do. But it was a necessity ;) I'm still human after all. If that makes me a bad person so be it. I am happy to admit I have weaknesses and biting when offered the bait is one. Maybe one day when I'm stronger I'll be able to do away with the list, but just like ban me list the ignore list is there for those who don't have the personal restraint.

nah... don't feel bad Rouge. We all do what we gotta do :) I don't have a problem with ignore lists and why they are there... was just thinking out loud about them and the whole community thing really. Hadn't thought about it much at all before now. The last time I thought about the ignore lists was when I got a PM from someone telling me they were putting me on their ignore list. Was very polite of them I must say PMSL. Don't think they are on BB anymore so I must have really scared them away! ;) Still makes me laugh actually.. that was a long time ago now.

lol @ the ignore PM.

I had an ignore list on another forum but everyone on it ended up getting banned so I stopped bothering.

:rofl: at being PM'd to notify you that you were now officially ignored! THAT has taken the cake! :lol:

I know.. pretty funny. She ended up being one of 'those' ;) that left in a huff I think. Blaming the community once again! haha.

I think it was then I played around with the ignore list and discovered that you still see that that person has posted, but can't see the content. And I knew then it would never work for me cos I would just HAVE to know what they've written LOL. I'd constantly click on "view post" or whatever the option was. No idea if the ignore function is still like that or not.

Well for me I hid for cover when BB got more than 50 members on it. :D
Being an Administrator I feel bad at times cause I seriously don't know who a good majority of you are, and by that I mean I wouldn't know who your kids are ( if you have any ) or even significant others. Then if you have a username change, you've lost me again LOL. As for your personal stories....forget it :redface:

I actually had to get other Administrators to explain to me what was going these last few days. I came onto BellyBelly and to me it felt like a train wreck. I wanted to look but just keep on moving as well. For the majority of train wrecks that is exactly what I do. The ever gorgeous Admin team know that and as I have said to them before, they are so much better at putting together a nicely worded post to get stuff back onto track, than what I am.

You don't see me posting on the forums that much, as seriously I feel like I am just butting in. So yes looking inside I only have myself to blame. I am done with kids, pregnancy, breast feeding and I don't get into debates as I have enough to cope with in everyday life. So what's left?

I don't hate the BB community for it. I hate myself for letting myself get to that stage. But you all keep me busy in your own unique ways ;)

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I'm probably one of the few people that do.

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That's only cause you're one of the few who know how to do it!! :hug:

Not at all Rouge - I have been wondering how to use the ignore function for quite some time - and now i know it'll be getting a work out - just to stop my blood from boiling and make my BB experiance better.

And yes Liz it still works like that :-) I like it like that as it gives me more self control then :-)

I think we blame the community because it is easier - point blank - the easiest option is to blame a hwole, then to actually sit down with yourself and think about why certain people make you feel the way that you feel or more so why YOU react the way you do. Who wants to blame themselves? Much easier to blame a community.