Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?

[Rouge]

I've noticed lately there's been a lot of "hate" for the BB community and I have to say I'm baffled.

Yeah people are always going to annoy us, but why do we always focus on the negatives?

Why is it if one person (or a select few) annoy us everyone is tarnished with the same brush as a whole, by being annoyed by the entire community?

And why is it that when things annoy us we don't look inwards to see why? And what we can do to stop it from happening in the future. I dunno but if someone specifically annoys me (and I'll be honest some do LOL just as I'm sure I annoy others too!) I ignore them (yes I have an ignore list too ) and avoid them where possible. If a certain mentality annoys me I avoid it. If I enter into a discussion with someone who likes the last word I leave and let them.

I look around and see so many beautiful relationships. So many causes we've all rallied for (and I mean for our members) which makes us all connected in love and support.

And no this isn't me pointing the finger out there and sitting high on my perch saying how awesome I am. I am guilting of it too... I just thought maybe we should change our personal approach to situations/threads etc and maybe we can focus on what we love rather than all this raging angsty hate bizzo.

Feel free to laugh at me if you like. But it's just an afternoon pondering whilst I sit here dosed up on cold & flu meds

Oh and if you are looking for daisy chains and kumbaya you'll have to source that on your own LOL. But if you're nice I've got Vodka and Chocolate Cake.

[briggsy's girl]

i guess in the same way we can love a community, we can be disappointed in the same community. it is often easier to express a distate of the vibe of a "place" at a particular time than it is to label each person that is bugging you.

in general, i love, and feel at home at BB - but there are times when the whole vibe of BB in general just bugs me - so i take a time out. i try to work out if it's me, or what is actually happening on/around BB. and when i'm not the only person feeling like that, i tend to feel it's not about my/our perception, but something that is happening HERE.

i personally get really disappointed in BB (as a whole) when good intentions are twisted into something completely unrelated. i know it's the nature of the beast for things to evolve, but, particularly of late, it seems to be happening a lot more often. it's not something that can be pinned on one individual that you can ignore. it appears, to ME, to be a "group mentality" issue. yes, that is a generalisation - but it's how it appears from reading some of the threads that have gone amiss. maybe that's my perception of it though - if it's only me that feels this way, i'll own that (lol)

[PumpkinZulu]

I've been working on my reactions to things lately, examining *why* I react to certain things in certain ways. Am I frustrated, am I projecting? Am I feeling guilt or regret or insecure over some of my own choices that ave been raised some place? Am I jealous? And then, why do I feel that way, and what can I do to reconcile those feelings? I am a hot headed person, and I'm still learning that the world will not end if I don't throw my 2 bob in Then I can sit back, reflect and examine how I'm feeling. At the end of the day, BB is a great community. Heck, we all have ouur own thoughts and opinions, we need to learn to differentiate between personal attacks, and opposing opinions. I think for the sheer number of people on here, and then all the different people, all from different walks of life, we do okay here. Great post Rouge, I was nodding my head the whole way through

[maz]

Screw the diet..Im cutting me some Vodka and chocolate cake!!!

I learnt long ago to step back and have a look at how my actions, words, gestures would reflect me onto others..know what...i didnt like what I saw.

I taught myself to turn my ears and eyes of from my own views and beliefs and try to hear what the other person/s is saying doing from their view. No I dont 'like" what some others here say....I get so dame frustrated at certain people and I could so biartch slap them silly..so yes its bloody hard....I slip, I get agro and head butt the nearest stoby pole fiercly and afterwards feel like such an immature dumb arse.

I now turn the computer off, go outside and get some fresh air...hell I actually get some housework done

Pulling the um...**** is what get's me through, even if its at myself its better then at someone else KWIM

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I have been guilty of not so much 'hating' the BB community but let down by it. At times i too have been annoyed by something a person said but then coming to know that person it never seemed to bother me anymore. I never had an ignore list as there was nobodys threads/posts i wanted to avoid but if there was one i didnt like i just never said anything. Now my ignore list is huge as i am sure i am on a lot of peoples ignore list. I never came to realise how annoying i guess i am until recently but that wasn't being told to my face (well one had the guts to) others i happened to read. I'm not here to place blame on anybody, i know i have some issues i need to address and deal with, also a bit more growing up and maturing to do. I still have A LOT to learn about parenting but over time and with the help of BB all of that will happen.

If i sit here and think about my time on BB and it has been mostly a positive experience. I have made some great friends, the girls from Canberra are absolutely lovely

[christy]

Sticks out empty glass *pass the vodka m'dear* The chocolate cake can wait..

I know for me, when I'm not in a good place emotionally I find it easier to cope with life when I push the focus outside myself. I like to blame others around me for lifes short comings, or blame the lack of support. Heck, we moved from Brisbane with lack of support being one of my reasons and I had close friends around me there.

The thing is, when I am in a good place, I feel totally supported, and that I have close ties with many around me. Why do I need to feel supported and why do I need to have close ties to others? Well I guess thats human nature, our desire to be a part of a community or a "group". I guess I've never worried too much about what others think of me. I really don't care that much, I just want to be able to support others. and help people on their journeys.

With BB, I've been quiet over the past year or two since Matilda's been sick and diagnosed with Autism. I focus more on the areas where I can contribute and I help administrate the forums behind the scenes. It doesn't mean I don't care about the community, or invest energy into it, I guess I just focus on other areas of concern.

[Kazbah]

/me swipes christy's share of chocolate cake.

mwaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Kazbah]

Why do we blame the community? Because it creates the environment where we express our views, and get them debated. Ummmm at risk of coming across as a snob, or worse, - our community has grown substantially in the past little while and it's hard to adjust to. Hard for me to adjust to. When I get a whiff of a scandal, I'm there. I'm wanting to see who is damaging my community. I want to defend it, keep it the same. But to find a really, really valid point in the opposition's argument is a breath of fresh air. And that shows me what a twit I've been.

We have forged alliances through shared history and confidences - and when these change, we grieve.

[Rouge]

That's an awesome perspective Kazbah and I think that is so true.

I hate scandal. Blurgh. I want to jump on it with my big big boots.

Maz your post reminds me of a wonderful saying I read on the very first parenting forum I was a part of. "Never post in anger. Step away from the keyboard and come back when you are feeling better" or something like that. I wonder if more people did this it would make it easier on all of us.

[Nelle]

Oh and if you are looking for daisy chains and kumbaya you'll have to source that on your own LOL.

I have the daisy chains and kumbaya, if anyone is looking. Which might give you some insight into how I deal with annoyance. To be honest, the bible verse that's come to mind for me a lot regarding BB lately is this: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger". Too true, too true....now. Off to the daisies.

[Cassius2]

i know that this may of been said before but i totally reckon the 'hate' stuff that comes up within BB is TOTALLY seasonal lol! every time there is a change in the seasons ppl go barmy and start lookin' for a F.I.G.H.T. lol!

I *think* that when a person feels threatened or bullied even if by one member their 'safe' place that they have mentally created within the BB community is cracked, and particularly if it's the first time that it has happened it can send you reeling. (at least that was how it was for me!). but then i whimpered to a close friend from BB and they were able to remind me that it was one person and that i could 'block' them! oh happy days! in the end i didnt put them on my ignore list as i am able to totally ignore them during my perusals and ever since havent felt the way i did again. i dont think i would call it 'taking a step back', rather a 'step in another direction'. similar to what JungleMum mentioned: i had to learn the hard way that i need IRL situations for some topics/support, not a computer...it was a hard lesson for me, but one that was needed itms.

*oh, and how i wish i could partake of the vodka* ohhhhh mmmmm!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I've been away for a bit and am glad I missed this. It is a shame when people want support and get alternative views, just as when people want alternative views they can get nowt but love. It's the difficulty of on-line relationships. Now for the conga line...

*sings* Chocolate cake and vodKA! Chocolate cake and vodka! Nah nah nah nah - DRINK! Nah nah nah nah - DRINK!

[Jennifer13]

I'm pretty sure BB is well known for its philosophies. But there's no 'one size fits all' approach to BB or any aspect of our parenting. If you expect BB to be like that, you're likely to be suspicious of what is being said on BB (by members, usually) in different areas.

For eg, I had a c/s birth, bf my DD until four, didn't co-sleep from birth, wore her when it suited me, I'm not a SAHM, etc. I don't really fit into any one mould, and neither do most of the parents or parents-to-be on here. Just like studying mathematics for one year at uni didn't make me a mathematician (seriously, I am HOPELESS with numbers), neither does the fact I'm on BB mean I've adopted every philosophy of natural parenting or whatever.

BB isn't really any one thing. It's just a collection of a whole bunch of people who *gasp* behave like people do in real life. I lived with my sister long enough to realise that sometimes ignoring someone for a while might be the only way not to do something you'll otherwise regret. If you haven't needed to ignore anyone on here yet (list or no), then you probably just haven't met that one person who's guaranteed to push your buttons the way my sister can push mine. And I love her to bits, most of the time!

Oh, and I don't think there's been so much of a change in niceness or whatever, just more voices to get involved when there's a scuffle. There's always been members who've been *ahem* forthright.

[Rouge]

I think that's a good point Jen. I think a lot of people just assume that the ethos of BB is strict and undeniable. Yes Kelly has a certain ethos and there are aspects of it that her entire team relate to or we wouldn't be here. But that doesn't mean as you say one size fits all. And if you think for one second that the team agree on everything well let me assure you that isn't the case nor are we minions sent out to battle on her behalf. But unfortunately because we are all so passionate (it's why we were chosen as mods) when we all chip in on a conversation it looks like a gang up when it's not. I can't tell you the amount of times I've wanted to say something about a topic or give my perspective whilst slightly different but similar to other mods and haven't due to the fact that I *know* it would seem like an ambush LOL when it's just my little old opinion <--- I hate this emoticon LOL

[Livinthedream]

I'm pretty sure BB is well known for its philosophies. But there's no 'one size fits all' approach to BB or any aspect of our parenting. If you expect BB to be like that, you're likely to be suspicious of what is being said on BB (by members, usually) in different areas.

See, when I joined this site (prob 2 years ago to the day almost) I didnt know about any "philosophys". I just googled pregnant and here I was.
Then I got to chattin' and met some really nice folks, so I hung around.
I never knew there were a whole bunch of things that were majorly frowned upon Tizzie Hall LOL, CS and FF by choice just to name a few.
When I googled, it said something like Australias friendliest parenting forum.
I dont regret joining or anything, but i do quite often see newbies being "educated" on their first visit pretty vehemently.
Maybe on google, it should say like "Australias friendliest gentle, natural parenting site??
Give folks a bit of a heads up eh?

[Visitor6]

In thread full of post number crunchers, I hope I can contribute.

I was ready to chuck it in today. I may still do as i evaluate where BB fits for me. I have been very introspective today and was pleased to see a thread like it. Not to use it as a vessel to whinge though (apparently I do).

To answer; Do I hate BB? No. Do some ideals rile me up. Yes. Do I hate some behaviours, beliefs even perceptions of others. You betcha. It’s a bit like football- play the ball not the man. In management its chastise the behaviour, not the person. It when though that things become personal though that we all appear to reserve the right to arc up. I’ve had some ripper assessments of me on here, publicly and privately- yet no one here knows me. How amazing that the internet affords such insight. Even I have had the same enlightenment with what I have dished out. It is unfortunately, very cathartic.

I found BB as part of the journey for my partner and me. I was on the information gathering spree as anyone health profession would do. I thought that BB had some sort of organisation to it, was holistic in it’s approach to parenting- from conception and everything around it because everything is so intertwined as a potential actual or soon to be parent. I didn’t perceive it be swaying to any particular ethos. My partner thinks it is a "Big ****" and that we all need to get a life. So she is my true barometer of reality and I love her for it.
I think that your perception of this place is based on what you want out of it. I want information and read far more than I post. I learn from my readings for both my role as Dad and as a Health Professional. I believe in the truth, so when I challenge or sound gnarly it’s in response to that on occasions (this isn’t a justify SB’s behaviour post either). I too dislike the beliefs of people who hide behind opportunity or position or belief that they are somehow granted a higher plane in life of where they sit in any given food chain.

As many loudspeakers here prove, I also believe in education, but I also believe in equity. As strongly as you believe in your own ideals and standards on life parenting family career and expertise for some of us I guess, someone else will have an equally strong belief. We parent how we want, we use responsive settling for example, but we really don’t care what anyone else thinks of it unless we ask. If I’m asked about, sure, I’ll give you some information for you to make your own choices.

The brilliance here though, you can be whoever you want to be, personality, background, history, whatever. No real obligation. That simple fact makes it so easy to spout whatever we want because, unless you have a Jerry Springer curse, you will just get an internet Burn Notice, never to be heard of again.
I don’t apologise for the fact that I don’t really have any feelings for this place or those in it. It’s more of a workplace like culture, like what I have found nursing and ambulance to have evolved into. Be nice to everyone, but really you wouldn’t invite many of them into your home. I used to say to new students, “If you saw these workmates of yours in their civilian clothes for starters, you might just change the way you perceive them!” All that I have seen in my careers me allowed me to distance myself from wearing the emotions of others. I come across; doesn’t mean I don’t care nor show it, just means I have my own toot to deal with, so why should I carry the weight of someone on the internet? The only emotion I have ever carried from the internet is now the mother of our 9 month old son!

Expecting that this place is representative of society is possibly as naïve as the inference that the place is full of flat soled earth mothers which it isn’t, clearly, well maybe a couple

It may fit the definition of a community, but I think if we put our minds to it we could find may shortfalls and comparisons to prove otherwise.

As I said before it’s about what you want out of it. If this is your emotional crutch or you find solace in opening up behind a keyboard then your perception of the place is going to be different. If the only way that your grief or loss or emotional turmoil can be dealt with is by interacting with internet “counsel”, again your needs and perceptions will be different. If, as those mostly speaking about the “air” of this place at the moment are those contributing in large amounts regularly, you are going to perceive this place in a way that resembles the effort you have put in over time. If this place becomes an addiction and just like a Facebook junkie with a penchant for Farmville you can’t read a post without replying your perceptions and expectations will also be on another plane. Especially if the server is down!

So I suppose, I think that BB isn’t a community but rather a collection of expectations that dictate how we interact with it. Mindfulness that the next person isn’t necessarily here for the same reasons as you, and isn’t required to, might help with how you participate. Recognising what this place is and what it isn't might even help too for some.

So being mindful, I’m sure that some will see my post as irrelevant, or even a cheek but if I also like all the other posts again had you thinking, even if what implement to use on me then good.

[Apologies for the length]

[ladybird11]

I always look inward at myself if something is bothering me...

I ask myself questions like:
"why is this bothering me"
"why am I allowing it to bother me"
"what can I do to not be concerned about the problem / issue"

However I do know someone IRL who instantly goes on the attack if someone has an opinion oppositer her's - and overall she is a negative person about 70% of the time I've been in her presence.

If all else fails I like to take frustration out at the gym / or with exercise at home .

[Bathsheba]

This thread reminds me of a quote that I first heard while watching the movie How To make An American Quilt.

"Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches."

Especially when the carpet analogy arose! Carpet stains; As i get older I am learning that there is a blessed freedom in learning to live with them ("Give me the strength to change what i can and accept what i can't" etc). I don't expect perfection from BB or from much at all really. Mistakes (or stains) are the things that make us better or highlight a better way. You can choose to let a stain make you feel uncomfortable or you can choose to see it as a motivator. Problems arise when people either don't realise they have a choice or forget it.

I love how BB has taught me to choose and be discerning in so many aspects of life.

Yes i have been tactless while posting and i think i was also told about 3 or 4 years ago that i was about to be put on somebodies "ignore" list because i said that strawberry jam on white bread was not a healthy lunch option on a daily basis... and this upset a member. You never can tell what is going to push a button can you? . so despite having my "moments" in BB i have never blamed it as a community. Never-the-less i DO see where Rouge is coming from and her motivation for starting this thread... it's something worth raising indeed. I though tend to function along the lines of Liz and could never have an ignore list... BUT i see the value in them and every time i say 'never' I end up doing it because that's what the universe seems to constantly do to me; make me eat my words!!! LOL

Ok... so back to the OT. I suspect that, generally speaking, new-ER members stumble across BB... make it the centre of their universe... and then sometimes want it to be perfect. (Refer to quilt quote again). Maybe it takes a few years to settle down and see the cycles of scandal, outrage, olive stick, group-hugs that have and always will exist here in BB and then accept the patches (stains) as something worthwhile?

I also just want to mention that Arcadia, i thought, made a good point. If you wait for somebody to ask you personally to share your insight you could end up never actually sharing it. The onus is always on you here in BB to post tactfully (it's in the guidelines) and if you are mindful of the area of the forum you are posting in you should avoid most of the problems associated with judgement. Is it stating the obvious that you shouldn't post uniformly in all areas of BB? I recall the c-section thread Misty was referring to but not the section... the problem could have lay in the area of BB that the member chose to post in? It's an important detail. A link to further information, i don't think, should really be construed as harsh judgement though.

The BB community has and hasn't changed. For me it's a real community because i have met too many members to keep track of (especially with UserName changes) and i have made many deep connections with people. I don't percieve much cliquey-ness within BB because like another member has suggected that implied exclusivity... If members are so keen to exclude then i find that they often go off and try to form their own forum (which from my experience generally fails because it's the 'live by the sword die by the sword' concept... people who need to bolster their security by excluding others will keep doing it until nothing exists anymore ie the group that re-forms will breakdown again and again because the members haven't the skills to be inclusive. Despite BB having a focus on natural and gentle parenting i still believe the administrators and creator DO have skills of inclusiveness which is why BB just continues to grow. The key is to post in the right areas of the forum for YOU.