Teenager and Porn

Hi, my soon to be 13DS has a mobile phone which we bought for him. I was looking at his msgs because he said he didn't get a msg I sent him earlier on. To my horror I found a msg he sent "send me a porn pic" and the reply was "I don't have any pics but I've got a dvd". He went to a sleepover on the weekend so I presume he watched this dvd. I'm not sure how to approach him and what to say. DH just thinks it's hormones and he'll get over it.
Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?
Thanks,
Dianne

i think at this age it really is hormonally driven!
i cant give you any advide except maybe have a chat with him(or even better get your dh to!)

I dont think you should do anything!
He is a teenage boy, and he is going to watch porn. And I think that is perfectly healthy. Boys need an outlet, and he is at the age now where these issues are going to start becoming apparent for both you and him. The best you can do is maybe get his dad to have a chat with him, about the boundaries of sex, sexual encounters with women, and of course, condoms if he is (or becomes) actually sexual active.
Menatime, start knocking before you go into his bedroom and keep in mind that he is becoming a young man ;)
Good luck!

Uuuggghhh, I feel for you. My DS is 14 and has been busted looking at some pretty crude porn sites on our computer. I have had to confront him about it because it has done some damage to our computer.
His dad has bought him some books to read about what to expect during the teenage years, which he read.
I know that my DS is growing up and I have to accept it. I know that he ummm, well you know, pleasures himself - judging by the amount of tissues that he takes to bed with him, and I am cool with that, but I am not cool with porn.
I have explained to him that porn is not realistic, that the majority of girls are not like that and he would be sorely disappointed when a girl doesn't perform like the young ladies do in porn IYGWIM.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind him having a perv at an attractive girl, bikini clad pinup which I do think is perfectly normal.
Definately have a chat with him about it, good luck..

I have no experienve with teenagers, but.....If you do confront him, did you have permission to look on his phone? If you didn't, then you shouldn't technically know about it, kwim? So if you do say something to him, make it a general comment/discussion, rather than 'I was looking on your phone and found this' then he will just get defensive and not trust you anymore. I know I would feel violated if my mum was checking out my stuff.
And I agree that it is something that should be spoken about openly, that porn isn't realistic, but that he is a teenager and will most likely not stop looking at porn of some sort...ever!!
Good luck.

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I dont think you should do anything!
He is a teenage boy, and he is going to watch porn. And I think that is perfectly healthy. Boys need an outlet, and he is at the age now where these issues are going to start becoming apparent for both you and him. The best you can do is maybe get his dad to have a chat with him, about the boundaries of sex, sexual encounters with women, and of course, condoms if he is (or becomes) actually sexual active.
Menatime, start knocking before you go into his bedroom and keep in mind that he is becoming a young man ;)
Good luck!

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I agree I don't have a teen but i don't think its such a big deal. its just fanticy and im sure in real life he is just as as insecure and nieve as the rest of us were at that age.
he is just becoming a man.

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I have no experienve with teenagers, but.....If you do confront him, did you have permission to look on his phone? If you didn't, then you shouldn't technically know about it, kwim? So if you do say something to him, make it a general comment/discussion, rather than 'I was looking on your phone and found this' then he will just get defensive and not trust you anymore. I know I would feel violated if my mum was checking out my stuff.
And I agree that it is something that should be spoken about openly, that porn isn't realistic, but that he is a teenager and will most likely not stop looking at porn of some sort...ever!!
Good luck.

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That's an excellent point, my mum read my diary when i was about fourteen-fifteen and it shattered my trust in her, i believe it's why we had such a tough relationship before i moved out of home. Had i not known it wouldn't have made a difference. So maybe avoid telling him you saw it and/or know about it and see if you can get your DH to discuss with him.
However, i do agree that it will be an entirely normal part of him growing up and while you may not agree with it it's likely to happen for a long time. I do think a discussion about how the objectification of women in magazines is not cool and how the porn industry is not realistic and can be considered degrgrading would be healthy in him establishing a more appropriate view of women for when he does become sexually active/in a relationship.

Maybe remind him that seeing as you're footing the bill for his mobile he has to play by your rules until he has a job to pay for his own?

1. knock on doors
2. DH + DS talk time
3. hes a boy
4. even your husband did it
5. we all do it
6. cant stop it
7. dont try
8. ask him if he wants to show you his porn(after a while)dont snoop
9.confiscate any porn found and send it to me. ROFLMAO:p

i have a son whos 11mths old i am dreading the day myself

dragonstorm

I agree with what Ashlea & Kellie said.. my Mum read my diary too and it also shattered my trust with her. I felt so betrayed by her for such a long time.

IMO I don't think you should raise with him what you saw on his phone but as others have suggested I would get your DH to have a chat with him about "things".

Godd luck with it... I don't envy you. I am sure that in about 12 years time I will be wanting your advice as to how to deal with it!!

I agree with Limeslice. At his age, seeking out sexual material - either out of curiosity, for pleasure, or both - is a really normal part of his sexual development. You can either repress it - and risk teaching him that sex is either dirty or wrong - or accept it, and teach him that sex is normal and healthy.

I hear what you are saying about porn, though, and it strikes me as someone who has seen a bit of it in my time, that there is "good" porn and "bad" porn, and maybe this would be a good time for your DH and DS to have a bit of a man-to-man about the difference. And also the fact that, as mentioned, pornographic pictures or movies are a fantasy, made up solely to provide sexual stimulation - and just like an action movie, while going out guns a-blazing and doing karate kicks looks really cool, we would never do it in real life. The same with porn. You might mention the problems in the porn idustry with the exploitation of women, drug use, and sexually transmitted diseases, if you really want to get into it. And certainly mention that some porn is degrading towards women when it shows them being submissive, or being abused, while other porn shows women who are equal partners in the sexual experience, and which type is the most acceptable.

just leave him alone! no offence, but its just none of your business mum!!

if you approach him he will feel as though you have completely intruded on his privacy, and there is a huge chance he will never ever feel comfortable coming to you with anything ever again.

just leave him be, you have a healthy young man on your hands so be happy!

Gosh, I remember the boys I went to school with and from the ages of 14-17 their one goal in life was to work out ways to get a hold of pron - whether it be magazines or videos. It was a healthy outlet for them while they were going through puberty and as far as I know none of them turned out to be sexual deviates - they are all married with kids now and who knows - maybe all their porn watching as a teen held them in good stead to become good lovers as adults? And they think they are pretty cool too if they can brag about seeing it LOL. When my DH was around 11-12yo he coveted this set of playing cards he had with the nude women on them - remember those? He would secretly take them to school and he and his mates would ogle them during lunch LMAO - picturing him doing that is just too funny for words.

However, there is a difference between teenagers exploring and just wanting to know what all the 'fuss' is about to becoming fixated with it and needing to have it kwim? I think if a big deal is made of it he is less likely to come to you with any RL issues he may have so take a 'gently gently' approach and try to bring it up in converstation without mentioning that you have gone through his phone. Teenage boys are really quite delicate creatures when you talk to them about sex (hard to imagine I know) and he is likely to get embarrassed - think American Pie - so you don't want him to completely clam up with you about it.

i agree with a lot of the other posters, particularly schmickers.

just wanted to second what everyone has said about it being completely normal exploration and also about teenage boys being very sensitive about sex.

I agree with Trillian. Bring it up in conversation (hard to do I know ... "can you pass me the carrots John and yeah what do you think about Penthouse these days?").

Perhaps wait until something porn-related happens in the news or if something's going to be on Today Tonight or ACA about online porn and how easy it is for kids to access it.

And I agree with Schmickers - emphasise that the bodies and the sex you see in porn is not real life.

lol... i reckon just leave him alone. There is much worse things he could be doing. All guys watch porn and if they say they dont they are lying! lol! U need him to know u trust him. I was kicked out...moved out all before 16 because of my mum not trusting me. honestly i couldnt think of anything worse to live with. Not having a parents trust is horrible :(

Ahhh welcome to my life. And the the life with teenage boys.

You and try yelling and screaming. You can try confiscating it. You can try barring it. You can try them all and none of them will work. The only thing I haven't tried is sitting down watching it with them ;)

There are many things that I have read and seen many things that I don't necessarily approve of. However they are teenage boys and I have never been one :D

I think the best thign you can do personally is keep all lines of communication open and be prepared to talk about such things if you are approached. My eldest will talk quiet freely with me about sex and other such things and I would far rather that then be ignorant to it all. A couple of years back I even bought him condoms and put them in his christmas stocking. I would rather he have them for just in case times.

Dragonstorm

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9.confiscate any porn found and send it to me. ROFLMAO

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PMSL I did that one. OK didn't sent it to you. But we watched it ourselves ;) Joel found it and took it back. LOL.

:rolleyes: aaaaahh porn can't live with it can't live without it haha
I reckon let him be BUT maybe get DH to discuss the boundaries there is a lot of things that should never be seen and to be honest is quiet disturbing and Degrading to women. I also agree with letting him know that it's fantasy.
I don't have to worry about boys and porn just girls and pregnancy :doh:

Sitting down and watching it with him, or at least if you find it, taking it and watching it and leaving it with YOUR stuff at least demystifies it all. I mean, how much of a thrill is it watching exciting porn your MUM AND DAD got busy to!? Bleurch!

Bx

I really think that either you or DH should talk to him about it. The problem with porn is that it's completely unrealistic and he needs to know that; most women don't look like porn actors and the sex acts themselves that are portrayed in porn aren't realistic either. Porn makes the woman into a sex object with no desires or personality or feelings of her own, her soul purpose is the sexual gratification of the man. Porn is degrading to women and because of that, has been directly linked to negative attitudes about women, and also to rape, in many studies. Several studies have shown that after looking at pornography, the men surveyed felt increased hatred towards women, and expressed more misogynistic attitudes. You can't really stop him from looking at porn, but you can at least explaint to him (you or DH) why it's unrealistic and NOT a good thing to model sex upon. Also, some porn is worse than others; it's far less damaging for a person to read a playboy than to watch a hardcore porn DVD.

Hi, I have a 13 yo boy too, i have to say i disagree with the porn being ok for adolescents. As a family we have a book on puberty from the family planning clinic and it such a great tool for the kid and parents. there is a section on porn in it i found fantastic. it discusses that porn can be addictive and that whilst growing into your skin and sexuality it doesn't allow for the normal and natural progression of sex. at 13 it is perfectly normal and should be that boys and girls begin becoming sexual - this is in the form of masturbation and discovering their bodies, then it proceeds into a relationship with another learning about the opposite sex (or same sex), flirting, dating and eventually becoming mature enough for a sexual relationship. It has the theary that porn tends to tilt this natural progression of sexuality out of whack and can be very harmful to the adult sexual being. Porn tends to be very one sided, eg the girl does anything the boy wants with the main goal of satisfying the man, as adult men & women, we all know this is certainly NOT the case but through the eyes of an adolescent, it can seem like it is. when adolescents watch alot of porn they may find it screws with their wiring, the sexual urge is in the 'old brain' so it is based alot on instinct.... see graphic naked picture/s, get horny, release. instead of using the 'new brain' and seeing a girl/boy they like, feeling flustered, building up the courage to talk to the girl/boy, flirting, entering a relationship, kissing, touching/getting horny, finding out what each like, trust, then entering into a sexual relationship. This 'marries' the old and new brain into a sexual being, still having the instinct but able to use communication to have a relationship with the other. i think porn is fine for the fully formed sexual adult but can be damaging to young minds. because we all read about it and then did some further reseach we decided that it was not a good idea for our boys to see porn at such an impressionable age. perhaps you could get the book and ask your guy to have a read of it.
good luck
beckles

I have to agree beckles... it seems that a lot of guy friends I had who liked to read porn had a much harder time finding longer term partners with whom to explore and learn new things together, so they would try things the girls didn't want, causing issues... or they wouldn't be able to develop relationships through steps.

I also agree completely with beckles, not much more I can add really!

Once my husband 'discovered' porn, he became addicted to it very quickly. So much so, that over 10 years later, it threatened our marriage, because I don't believe there is any place for it in our marriage. I realise others have differing opinions, and I think I'm about to be the odd one out, but here goes...

I don't think that pornography promotes the right attitude towards women/men and relationships. For me, sex only belongs in marriage (another differing view, I know!). Therefore, to allow adolescents to stimulate themselves to a magazine/dvd/video will only promote frustration in the long term. I feel that it puts too much emphasis on the physical/sexual side of relationships, rather than getting into a relationship with someone that you are friends with.

I know that these days it is considered normal, but I would prefer to teach my children how to cultivate platonic relationships, rather than allowing/encouraging them to seek out early sexual experiences.

*Once again, everything in this post is MY opinion only - I fully respect other peoples views, I just wanted to present mine.

sunflowa :: my DH and I are going through this at the moment .. he's keep lying to me about looking at porn .. which leads to another dimension of this debate .. most men will hide the fact they have a porn stash .. in my experience this is ... the lies are an issue.

I would not allow my 13 year old daughter to look at porn .. imagine what message it would send to my daughter to see how these women are treated .. it makes me feel sick rteally. and your 13 year old son may very well be learning that this is how they should be treated

Hi all,
DH has since sat down and talked to DS about porn and it is now all in the open. His friend had sent him a pic on his mobile and DS has deleted it. Unfortunately porn is too readily available to teenagers via internet, mobiles etc and as much as we want to protect our children unless we talk openly to them about these topics our children will be receiving the wrong messages.
Thanks to everyone for their replies.

Regards,
Dianne

Beckles - LOVE YOUR WORK!!!!!

I am glad Dianne that you were able to discuss it. I agree completely that pornography of the explicit nature that is available to our young people via internet is incredibly distructive and not at all "normal".

Women are beings with sexual, emotional and spiritual needs. We have curves and bumps and lopsided boobs and stretch marks.

Women in many of these porn sites are portrayed to be the sexual pinnacle for men. They are real women who hone their bodies to look chiselled and perfect.

Checking out the female form is totally natural and normal for 13 year old boys - masturbating, fantasising is too - hovering your mouse over an on line vulva is not.

Unfortunately in recent times sexual addiction has become almost as common as addiction to alcohol and drugs. We cannot prime the early adolescent mind with fantasy about sex and more importanty about women and their bodies. However, we also cannot stop our children exercising their own free will. I think we can only state our opinion and why and live our lives in a way that emulates the values we would like our kids to hold... Tough one but I think you did well... :hug:

i know the feeling my soon to be 13 son got court with naked girls on his usb at school today and he got 2 day suspended
sarah

Hi Sarah,
Hopefully the suspension will have taught him a lesson. After DS's episode there has been no further problems. Peer pressure is a big thing also. Hope it all works out for you.

Regards,
Dianne

thanks he knows he has done wrong i just hope he understands it is not right

sarahxxx

I havent got any experience with children as yet but ...

I don't have a problem with porn I think every now and again it's quite healthy, having said that I was in a long term relationship with a person that was addicted to it. As a result there was lots of mis-trust and resentment that eventually led to our relationship falling apart.
He would sit up on the computer for hours at night, so i banned it and then of course he would lie to me about it, he even chose porn over me once (that I know of).
I think porn is ok in moderation but the conversation about unrealistic views and what is and isnt healthy is definately neccesary from early on. I would hate for any one else to have to go through what we did and lose an otherwise wonderful relationship because of it... although I'm sure it does happen.

my 2c

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Hi, I have a 13 yo boy too, i have to say i disagree with the porn being ok for adolescents. As a family we have a book on puberty from the family planning clinic and it such a great tool for the kid and parents. there is a section on porn in it i found fantastic. it discusses that porn can be addictive and that whilst growing into your skin and sexuality it doesn't allow for the normal and natural progression of sex. at 13 it is perfectly normal and should be that boys and girls begin becoming sexual - this is in the form of masturbation and discovering their bodies, then it proceeds into a relationship with another learning about the opposite sex (or same sex), flirting, dating and eventually becoming mature enough for a sexual relationship. It has the theary that porn tends to tilt this natural progression of sexuality out of whack and can be very harmful to the adult sexual being. Porn tends to be very one sided, eg the girl does anything the boy wants with the main goal of satisfying the man, as adult men & women, we all know this is certainly NOT the case but through the eyes of an adolescent, it can seem like it is. when adolescents watch alot of porn they may find it screws with their wiring, the sexual urge is in the 'old brain' so it is based alot on instinct.... see graphic naked picture/s, get horny, release. instead of using the 'new brain' and seeing a girl/boy they like, feeling flustered, building up the courage to talk to the girl/boy, flirting, entering a relationship, kissing, touching/getting horny, finding out what each like, trust, then entering into a sexual relationship. This 'marries' the old and new brain into a sexual being, still having the instinct but able to use communication to have a relationship with the other. i think porn is fine for the fully formed sexual adult but can be damaging to young minds. because we all read about it and then did some further reseach we decided that it was not a good idea for our boys to see porn at such an impressionable age. perhaps you could get the book and ask your guy to have a read of it.
good luck
beckles

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Yep I agree - there is nothing natural about porn, women are not like that in real life, sex is not like that in real life, bodies are not like that in real life - it is not realistic, it is addictive and it isn't something that anyone should be encouraged into especially teenage boys.
Girls have such a lowered standard already, porn only gives boys permission for that standard to continue lowering.

i wouldnt have a clue! but i would want to know if my son was, i wonder if this mate of his who has the dvd, if his parents know, as after all it is illegal for children under 18 to watch and be in possession of those movies. i think i would bring it to their attention, but thats just me, good luck!

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Yep I agree - there is nothing natural about porn, women are not like that in real life, sex is not like that in real life, bodies are not like that in real life - it is not realistic, it is addictive and it isn't something that anyone should be encouraged into especially teenage boys.
Girls have such a lowered standard already, porn only gives boys permission for that standard to continue lowering.

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Ummm... A lot of my sex life was and is like a porno! lol
Sorry for the TMI but I really think that is reaching...such a sweeping generalisation, based on not much obviously. I am sad that the pornography you have seen has been so threatening to your womanhood, or of such an unimpressive standard that you think it lowers women.
There is a lot of pornography out there, everything from love tories to anime to fetish....None of it is the same and it varies as much as real life peoples sexual behaviour and preferences do. Not to mention the fact of course that women aren't in all pornography.
It is a sad day indeed if a girl bases her worth on comparison to anyone else, not just a porn star. If she has that low a view of herself, then perhaps porn isn't the problem.
Also curious as to how it is addictive...I have never known anyone afflicted with such a condition.

sorry but I really think generalisations are the problem with how society sees sex and sex roles at the moment, and all it does is confuse people - especially teenagers.

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such a sweeping generalisation, based on not much obviously

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Not sure how you can know what I base my opinions on...... clearly I am not alone in them, this page has alot of people who I agree with and viceversa - one person honestly admitted her husbands addiction another how the addiction lead to lies and hurt- so clearly people do get addicted. I've seen a number of docos about teenagers who began with innocent exploration and developed into addictions, sure it doesn;t happen to everyone, but it does happen.

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It is a sad day indeed if a girl bases her worth on comparison to anyone else, not just a porn star. If she has that low a view of herself, then perhaps porn isn't the problem.

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Perhaps it isn't, but it certainly doesn't help. Take notice of some of the young guys utes around the place, stickers of naked or half naked girls on their windows - then have a look at the teenage girls - it saddens me so much that gain their value from how much the boys like them - to get them to like them, sadly they conform to what is expected, their dress, their demeanour, their boundaries.

Clearly we don't agree, but that's fine, everyone's entitled to an opinion.

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Also curious as to how it is addictive...I have never known anyone afflicted with such a condition.

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I mentioned earlier in the thread that my husband was (and still is, but I guess you could say he's 'in remission') addicted to porn. By that I mean he had it on his phone and computer, and would look at it every night. At times he preferred looking at porn to being with me. It got to the point where I didn't want to go to sleep, because I knew he'd wait til I was asleep and sneak off to the computer to his 'other woman'. It left him feeling guilty all the time, and me feeling unloved and frumpy.

For months, I kept checking his phone and the browser history, as that was the only way I could find out if he'd been doing it. I still do it occassionally, because I still don't have much trust in him when it comes to porn. It's been over 8 months and I haven't found anything, so I'm hoping he's getting over it. But I seriously believe that if it wasn't for our religion's strict laws on divorcing, we wouldn't have made it through that time. It is so degrading to know that the man who promised to love and cherish you would prefer to look at some nameless woman on a screen than touch his own wife.

i guess we can at least agree on the fact its a touchy subject and must be tough to decide what to do when this happens and your child is exposed, afterall thats what this post was about, someone asking for some advice and i think thats what should be focused on,what i dont get though is ppl saying "oh its just natural" so is going to the toilet, but you dont want to watch that! i personally am old fashioned and like to think sex is an expression of love, even though sometimes even in a loving relationship its just for "jollies" and thats fine, I have needs too! but when a child is involved its different and i think you should do what u feel is best without being judged for your parenting skills, afterall no one is perfect and each child is different, once again i hope this doesnt stress you out too much and you work things out.

Since first posting this DH sat down with DS and had a chat to him, his mate had sent him the pic to his phone. He is only 13 and in our opinion far too young to be looking at porn. I do agree that porn can be addictive and in my own personal opinion believe that some sexual crimes committed are because of excessive porn watching. DH has one porn DVD which when he watches asks me to watch with him. To be honest I'm really not interested but am very glad that he asks me to watch with him and is not watching behind my back. As one of the above posts mentioned her husband being addictive to porn I do agree that being that intense could break up a marriage and I would feel terrible if my DH was that involved. I think with adults it's really up to them personally but as far as children watching porn, definately not.

Regards,
Dianne

dianne- well done! i think you have handled it very well and couldnt agree more with what you are saying, i am by no means an expert, i dont even have children yet but looks to me as you are doing a great job!

Limeslice, I think the point that Ausgirl was trying to make is that at that age, in the early adolescent period that girls do rationalise it like that simply because the don't have the capacity to think otherwise just yet kwim? I'm sure that adult women wouldn't have so much trouble with it because for the most part we have already made that leap, but young teens haven't.

Same applies for young teen boys. They just can't split the two apart and I think it fosters an unhealthy relationship with females and sex from the very start if that is all they know. They need to be taught the difference and if they aren't, then that's going to continue into adulthood.

That said, there is nothing wrong with porn at all, but I don't think young teens have the mental capacity to see it and understand it for what it is.