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Thread: Teenager and Porn

  1. #1

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    Default Teenager and Porn

    Hi, my soon to be 13DS has a mobile phone which we bought for him. I was looking at his msgs because he said he didn't get a msg I sent him earlier on. To my horror I found a msg he sent "send me a porn pic" and the reply was "I don't have any pics but I've got a dvd". He went to a sleepover on the weekend so I presume he watched this dvd. I'm not sure how to approach him and what to say. DH just thinks it's hormones and he'll get over it.
    Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?
    Thanks,
    Dianne


  2. #2
    Ellibam Guest

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    i think at this age it really is hormonally driven!
    i cant give you any advide except maybe have a chat with him(or even better get your dh to!)

  3. #3

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    I dont think you should do anything!
    He is a teenage boy, and he is going to watch porn. And I think that is perfectly healthy. Boys need an outlet, and he is at the age now where these issues are going to start becoming apparent for both you and him. The best you can do is maybe get his dad to have a chat with him, about the boundaries of sex, sexual encounters with women, and of course, condoms if he is (or becomes) actually sexual active.
    Menatime, start knocking before you go into his bedroom and keep in mind that he is becoming a young man
    Good luck!

  4. #4

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    Uuuggghhh, I feel for you. My DS is 14 and has been busted looking at some pretty crude porn sites on our computer. I have had to confront him about it because it has done some damage to our computer.
    His dad has bought him some books to read about what to expect during the teenage years, which he read.
    I know that my DS is growing up and I have to accept it. I know that he ummm, well you know, pleasures himself - judging by the amount of tissues that he takes to bed with him, and I am cool with that, but I am not cool with porn.
    I have explained to him that porn is not realistic, that the majority of girls are not like that and he would be sorely disappointed when a girl doesn't perform like the young ladies do in porn IYGWIM.
    Don't get me wrong, I don't mind him having a perv at an attractive girl, bikini clad pinup which I do think is perfectly normal.
    Definately have a chat with him about it, good luck..

  5. #5

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    I have no experienve with teenagers, but.....If you do confront him, did you have permission to look on his phone? If you didn't, then you shouldn't technically know about it, kwim? So if you do say something to him, make it a general comment/discussion, rather than 'I was looking on your phone and found this' then he will just get defensive and not trust you anymore. I know I would feel violated if my mum was checking out my stuff.
    And I agree that it is something that should be spoken about openly, that porn isn't realistic, but that he is a teenager and will most likely not stop looking at porn of some sort...ever!!
    Good luck.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by LimeSlice View Post
    I dont think you should do anything!
    He is a teenage boy, and he is going to watch porn. And I think that is perfectly healthy. Boys need an outlet, and he is at the age now where these issues are going to start becoming apparent for both you and him. The best you can do is maybe get his dad to have a chat with him, about the boundaries of sex, sexual encounters with women, and of course, condoms if he is (or becomes) actually sexual active.
    Menatime, start knocking before you go into his bedroom and keep in mind that he is becoming a young man
    Good luck!
    I agree I don't have a teen but i don't think its such a big deal. its just fanticy and im sure in real life he is just as as insecure and nieve as the rest of us were at that age.
    he is just becoming a man.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by kellieem View Post
    I have no experienve with teenagers, but.....If you do confront him, did you have permission to look on his phone? If you didn't, then you shouldn't technically know about it, kwim? So if you do say something to him, make it a general comment/discussion, rather than 'I was looking on your phone and found this' then he will just get defensive and not trust you anymore. I know I would feel violated if my mum was checking out my stuff.
    And I agree that it is something that should be spoken about openly, that porn isn't realistic, but that he is a teenager and will most likely not stop looking at porn of some sort...ever!!
    Good luck.
    That's an excellent point, my mum read my diary when i was about fourteen-fifteen and it shattered my trust in her, i believe it's why we had such a tough relationship before i moved out of home. Had i not known it wouldn't have made a difference. So maybe avoid telling him you saw it and/or know about it and see if you can get your DH to discuss with him.
    However, i do agree that it will be an entirely normal part of him growing up and while you may not agree with it it's likely to happen for a long time. I do think a discussion about how the objectification of women in magazines is not cool and how the porn industry is not realistic and can be considered degrgrading would be healthy in him establishing a more appropriate view of women for when he does become sexually active/in a relationship.

    Maybe remind him that seeing as you're footing the bill for his mobile he has to play by your rules until he has a job to pay for his own?

  8. #8

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    1. knock on doors
    2. DH + DS talk time
    3. hes a boy
    4. even your husband did it
    5. we all do it
    6. cant stop it
    7. dont try
    8. ask him if he wants to show you his porn(after a while)dont snoop
    9.confiscate any porn found and send it to me. ROFLMAO

    i have a son whos 11mths old i am dreading the day myself

    dragonstorm

  9. #9
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    I agree with what Ashlea & Kellie said.. my Mum read my diary too and it also shattered my trust with her. I felt so betrayed by her for such a long time.

    IMO I don't think you should raise with him what you saw on his phone but as others have suggested I would get your DH to have a chat with him about "things".

    Godd luck with it... I don't envy you. I am sure that in about 12 years time I will be wanting your advice as to how to deal with it!!

  10. #10

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    I agree with Limeslice. At his age, seeking out sexual material - either out of curiosity, for pleasure, or both - is a really normal part of his sexual development. You can either repress it - and risk teaching him that sex is either dirty or wrong - or accept it, and teach him that sex is normal and healthy.

    I hear what you are saying about porn, though, and it strikes me as someone who has seen a bit of it in my time, that there is "good" porn and "bad" porn, and maybe this would be a good time for your DH and DS to have a bit of a man-to-man about the difference. And also the fact that, as mentioned, pornographic pictures or movies are a fantasy, made up solely to provide sexual stimulation - and just like an action movie, while going out guns a-blazing and doing karate kicks looks really cool, we would never do it in real life. The same with porn. You might mention the problems in the porn idustry with the exploitation of women, drug use, and sexually transmitted diseases, if you really want to get into it. And certainly mention that some porn is degrading towards women when it shows them being submissive, or being abused, while other porn shows women who are equal partners in the sexual experience, and which type is the most acceptable.

  11. #11

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    just leave him alone! no offence, but its just none of your business mum!!

    if you approach him he will feel as though you have completely intruded on his privacy, and there is a huge chance he will never ever feel comfortable coming to you with anything ever again.

    just leave him be, you have a healthy young man on your hands so be happy!
    Last edited by Kitt3n; June 3rd, 2008 at 06:07 AM.

  12. #12

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    Gosh, I remember the boys I went to school with and from the ages of 14-17 their one goal in life was to work out ways to get a hold of pron - whether it be magazines or videos. It was a healthy outlet for them while they were going through puberty and as far as I know none of them turned out to be sexual deviates - they are all married with kids now and who knows - maybe all their porn watching as a teen held them in good stead to become good lovers as adults? And they think they are pretty cool too if they can brag about seeing it LOL. When my DH was around 11-12yo he coveted this set of playing cards he had with the nude women on them - remember those? He would secretly take them to school and he and his mates would ogle them during lunch LMAO - picturing him doing that is just too funny for words.

    However, there is a difference between teenagers exploring and just wanting to know what all the 'fuss' is about to becoming fixated with it and needing to have it kwim? I think if a big deal is made of it he is less likely to come to you with any RL issues he may have so take a 'gently gently' approach and try to bring it up in converstation without mentioning that you have gone through his phone. Teenage boys are really quite delicate creatures when you talk to them about sex (hard to imagine I know) and he is likely to get embarrassed - think American Pie - so you don't want him to completely clam up with you about it.

  13. #13

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    i agree with a lot of the other posters, particularly schmickers.

    just wanted to second what everyone has said about it being completely normal exploration and also about teenage boys being very sensitive about sex.
    Last edited by Ginger; June 4th, 2008 at 08:53 PM.

  14. #14

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    I agree with Trillian. Bring it up in conversation (hard to do I know ... "can you pass me the carrots John and yeah what do you think about Penthouse these days?").

    Perhaps wait until something porn-related happens in the news or if something's going to be on Today Tonight or ACA about online porn and how easy it is for kids to access it.

    And I agree with Schmickers - emphasise that the bodies and the sex you see in porn is not real life.

  15. #15

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    lol... i reckon just leave him alone. There is much worse things he could be doing. All guys watch porn and if they say they dont they are lying! lol! U need him to know u trust him. I was kicked out...moved out all before 16 because of my mum not trusting me. honestly i couldnt think of anything worse to live with. Not having a parents trust is horrible

  16. #16

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    Ahhh welcome to my life. And the the life with teenage boys.

    You and try yelling and screaming. You can try confiscating it. You can try barring it. You can try them all and none of them will work. The only thing I haven't tried is sitting down watching it with them

    There are many things that I have read and seen many things that I don't necessarily approve of. However they are teenage boys and I have never been one

    I think the best thign you can do personally is keep all lines of communication open and be prepared to talk about such things if you are approached. My eldest will talk quiet freely with me about sex and other such things and I would far rather that then be ignorant to it all. A couple of years back I even bought him condoms and put them in his christmas stocking. I would rather he have them for just in case times.

    Dragonstorm
    9.confiscate any porn found and send it to me. ROFLMAO
    PMSL I did that one. OK didn't sent it to you. But we watched it ourselves Joel found it and took it back. LOL.

  17. #17

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    aaaaahh porn can't live with it can't live without it haha
    I reckon let him be BUT maybe get DH to discuss the boundaries there is a lot of things that should never be seen and to be honest is quiet disturbing and Degrading to women. I also agree with letting him know that it's fantasy.
    I don't have to worry about boys and porn just girls and pregnancy

  18. #18
    paradise lost Guest

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    Sitting down and watching it with him, or at least if you find it, taking it and watching it and leaving it with YOUR stuff at least demystifies it all. I mean, how much of a thrill is it watching exciting porn your MUM AND DAD got busy to!? Bleurch!

    Bx

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