Not coping after losing Max

My husband and I lost our baby almost two weeks ago. We found out at the morphology scan (by reading the report in the carpark) that our baby had bilateral renal agensis which is 100% fatal. I was induced following a second scan and our beautiful son Max was born on 23/9 (19w5d). His little heart kept beating for over an hour and all I could do was hold him. His skin was so translucent and he was sticking to the blanket a little. I was so scared that I would hurt him or tear his skin -- I just wanted to keep him warm and let him know he was safe and loved. I've never felt so helpless, all I could do was hold him in the blanket and wait for his tiny chest to stop rising and falling.

We don't know how or why this happened to our baby -- he was completely perfect in every other way. I was so careful having had previous early miscarriages - I took vitamins every single day, I didn't touch caffeine/alcohol/drugs/etc. I ate lots of fruit and veg, got plenty of rest and some gentle exercise. I just can't accept that it's "just bad luck" - how unlucky can one person be? The hospital has ordered chromosomal testing but we have been told not to expect any results until the end of the year.

In the days after his birth, I was plagued by the overwhelming feeling that there was something I needed to do for him and it was tearing me apart. While I'm not at all religious, I felt so guilty for not thinking to have him baptized before he died. The social worker at the hospital was able to arrange for pastoral care to bless our baby the following day but this didn't take those feelings away. I really wanted to bring our baby home so we made private funeral arrangements and our little boy was cremated on Wednesday. I'm now waiting for the funeral home to call so I can collect his ashes and finally bring him home.

I have had some good days and some bad days following his birth but today I feel as bad as I did on the first day. I've cried the whole day away, I feel very emotionally flat and so very hopeless. My husband is frustrated with me, he is trying very hard to help me but I think he's had enough of the tears.

I don't know what to do.

Oh sweetheart,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little man Max. My heart is breaking for you. I also induced when my baby Noah was diagnosed with numerous problems with his urinary tract. It has been 2.5yrs and not a day passes where I don't think about my baby. The pain is easier to bear now, but it is still there.
Noah's problems were also put down to "bad luck" and I have since gone on to have a healthy little man. Please be kind to yourself. Cry all day if that's what you need... scream, shout, get mad... everything you're feeling you have every right to feel... there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
I just wish I could give you a huge big hug and let you know I am here for you. I am here for you... I can be contacted on my email address in my profile if you ever need to talk. There are also loads of supportive and loving women on here who have been through losses who will be here for you too, if and when you need them.
Sending you loads of love and warmth. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Lisa
__________________________________________________ ___
DS1-14 DD-11 DS2-1
:angel: Noah Thomas, born an angel (20w5d) 21 Feb 2006
:angel: Little Wing (8w4d) Oct 2007

Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. Just know that it is perfectly normal to have good and bad days so please do not beat yourself up about having had such an emotional day today. You and your husband will deal with this in different ways.

BB is certainly a good place for you to be right now. There are plenty of people who are here for you.
One of my good friends had her twins early at 25 weeks and one passed away 6 weeks later from kidney failure. She has a litle spot in her garden with a seat and flowers where she goes whenever she needs to think about/talk to Beau.
You too will find your own way of honouring your beautiful boy Max.

Big :hug: to you, and take care.

Tamara

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what else to say but there are some fantastic people on this site that can tell you how they managed their pain just take each day at a time.

Don't think that you did anything wrong it isn't your fault sweetheart. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

Rest in peace little Max xoxo

Oh Hun i have tears streaming down my face... I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish i could just give you a big hug... I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling. To hold your baby until he passed must have been the most heart breaking thing in the world.

I dont know what to say but just know he's in a better place without suffering now. Look into the sky and find the brightest star... I believe its our loved ones looking down on us. It may help to talk to him up there and let out your emotions.

You could get a white ballon (helium filled) Go somewhere special and you and some close friends and family could say a few things and you could release the balloon Like a release of the emotions.

Nothing will ever take away your pain and i really wish there was something that could. I think talking about your feelings is a great step... There is a thread about loss here where you may find some confort from others who have been through similar things.

Again so sorry for you loss hun.. RIP little Max... :hug:

Your husband is most likely not frustrated with you and your tears. He probably feels this is not something that he can fix. He probably wants you to feel ok but knows you can't at the moment and most likely niether can he. Just be gentle and loving to each other share your sadness, tears and heart ache.

Hi hun,
So very sorry for the loss of your precious Max. This is such an emotional time for you and your husband. Let yourself grieve, if that means crying, screaming any way you know how. The pain doesn't go away buy you somehow learn how to deal with that pain. Hold your little boy close to your heart. My heart goes out to you.

Regards,
Dianne

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i just wanted to keep him warm and let him know he was safe and loved.

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that is beautiful.
i cant even begin to imagine what your feeling right now.
i agree with what jess said, about the balloon.
it is ok to cry, to get angry and to scream. those are all normal emotions and please dont think you have to hold them in to please other people.
i cant put into words what im feeling for you right now, if you ever need to talk you can PM me, i will be more than happy to listen!

sweatheart, i have tears streaming down my face.
my biggest hugs for you... i'm so sorry for your loss.
Little max knew what it was like be held by his loving mummy, and he had those precious moments with you.

your hubby, probably isnt tired of your tears, as jmmum said he's probably wants to make you hurt less but he can't.. and he's hurting too.

Rest in Peace, little Max
xoxoxoxxo

Hi Batty
I am so sorry for your loss.I lost our precious baby girl Madison at 19+2 weeks and I totally understand the feelings of helplessness,hopelessness and guilt.Madison died in utero after my water broke and basically the DRs waited for her to pass away before I was induced.That was 3 years ago.There is NEVER a day that I dont look at her tiny footprints and imagine what if? I still have her ashes as Im not ready to let her go.Honestly I dont think I ever will be ready.The first year was very hard even though I got pregnant 7 months later .I still mourned for my lost little girl.The birth of our DD2 was very therapeutic and I found some of the faith I had lost . You need to do what ever makes you feel better.If that means crying,screaming,having a memorial then do it and NEVER EVER let anyone tell you that you should be "over it".It may not seem like it now but It will get easier as time goes by and there will always be the beautiful memories of the moments that only you and Max shared when he was with you.And there will be days when you will think what if? those days are when you will need a strong support system around you and people who understand without questioning.Finding out what you need to help you with your grief is a personal journey and I pray that you will find peace soon.

This is a poem that I printed out and sent to the people that couldn't understand that I couldn't just pick up the pieces and get on with things after losing Noah. I hope in some way it helps you too.

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Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

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__________________________________________________ ___
DS1-14 DD-11 DS2-1
Noah Thomas, born an angel (20w5d) 21 Feb 2006
Little Wing (8w4d) Oct 2007

Hi ladies,
Thank you for the quick replies. You are all so wonderful and brave, I really don't know how you've done it. I find myself crying now not only for my baby but all of the little lost babies. Life is so fragile.

I have a pretty good support network but all of my friends and family members have small children or new babies and I'm not ready to be around them yet. As much as I love my 8 month old niece, I haven't seen my brother or his wife since before we lost Max because I don't think I can see their baby. It seems that no matter where I look, there's always another baby or pregnant woman and it hurts so much that I'm not one of them. I went back to work on Thursday which was a good diversion (not that I did much besides shuffle paper) but unfortunately I have to work closely with a lady who is due two weeks before my EDD. And now this morning, my husband is making some noise about visiting his brother and his wife, who is 35wks. I can't get a break.

I think you're right about my husband, he does just want to make me feel better and I know that he is hurting too. We talked a little last night and he said as much. Unfortunately no amount of hugs can fill the void. While my husband has lost his son, I feel I've lost him twice -- I too lost the dream of having a baby as well as losing him from my belly.

I'm wondering if some of the grief I've felt this weekend is due to the baby blues. The pregnancy books have been pretty useless to me as they just don't properly cover this type of outcome. I don't know what I can do to counter it, I certainly don't want sedatives or antidepressants and I'm not willing to go on the pill.

batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?

:hug: . Im so sorry for what you are going through. Don't be afraid to take time for yourself particularly when it comes to being around other pregnant women and babies. You alone will know when you are ready to do that, not anyone else. At the moment you are grieving and that takes time, love and patience. And even though Max is not with you, you will always be his mother, nothing can ever change that.

:comfort:Batty.. Im very sorry for your loss- I am sure that your little Angel Max knows how very much he was and is still loved and missed xoxo

I lost a little boy to kidney abnormalities too - we discovered at our morphology scan that he only had one kidney and it was a build up of cysts and would never function properly- we had tests done and were told the same as you- just bad luck. I was induced a few days later- and My son Darren was born still in his sac- but had passed away between the scan and his delivery- his due date is actually coming up next week- he would have been 4 years old- and i still think about him every day.

It is very understandable that right now you feel lost and incredibly empty and robbed of your precious baby. To loose a baby at any stage is horrible- but half way through a pregnancy really messes with your head your body and your heart. Take as much time as you need to recover emotionally and physically. I was a mess for the remainder of what would have been the rest of the pregnancy- right up till his due date- i just couldnt move forward and kept thinking "I should still be pregnant- i should be feeling this now etc" and then when his due date came and went was when the reality of loosing him really sunk in- he was really gone :(

The suggestions of how to remember your angel are all helpful- releasing balloons, planting a special plant in your garden to care for- lighting candles having a special place for his ashes and keeping all mementoes are very important, Max is a very special part of your life and always will be- and even though right now remembering him only brings tears to your eyes, one day you will be able to think of him without crying and remember the special happy times of your pregnancy and you will always hold that precious hour of cuddles you shared with him in your heart forever.
Every year on Darren and Zahras birth/death dates and due dates i light candles- and i ask all of my friends and family where ever they are to light one as well as a show of rememberance to my angels- if you are part of a church or group- perhaps that is something you can do for Max- or hold a Ceromony of Goodbye on his EDD.

My coucilor made it very clear to my hubby and I that mums and dads greive very differently- and i am sure that your DH is not sick of your tears- if anything it just makes him all the sadder to see you sad- but thats no reason to hurry your grief- let him know that you need to feel sad and get it all out- and the best thing he can do is hold you while you cry and cry with you when you need him to. Also i found my DH was a little more detatched from our loss of Darren- as being only 18 weeks- i felt his precense in our lives much more than DH did- when i lost our daughter Zahra at 35 weeks(more "bad luck" a placental abrubtion)- DH was much more emotionally attatched as he had actually felt her kicking and moving- which he hadnt felt with Darren. If that makes sense??!!

As for seeing other people and their babies- DO NOT rush yourself to do this- you will know if and when you can handle it- and trust me- the torture of trying to see them when your not ready is not worth it- take care of YOU right now- Let your DH go and see these people if he is ready for it- but tell him to go on his own. I had a horrible experience with my sister when i tried to ignore the fact that seeing her baby broke my heart- and it ended really badly (me crying in the middle of a dinner party and making a quick exit only to be called rude for missing her birthday cake:rolleyes:) when i should have just given my apologies and not attended in the first place- still might have been called rude- but at least i didnt have a baby thrust in my face as well- just my personal experience)

BB is fantastic place to have support during the coming months and years for you- with the help of BB i found myself confident enough to try for another baby (after two late lossed and a few early m/c) and i am now the very proud mummy to a marvelous little boy Shane- who is 9 weeks old today. Bad luck does eventually run out!

Take care of yourself and be true to your feelings xoxox

SB

:comfort:

your little man shares his angel bday with my precious daughter...we just celebrated our 5th year since she was born

just know this is a wonderufl community full of wonderful caqring woman :hug:

Lisa that poem is beautiful :cry:

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batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?

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I know I should go back to the GP for post-birth care but I am so angry and disappointed in the way they treated me that I am liable to trash his office if I do go back! To cut a long story short, the radiologist told me I didn't have "enough fluid around the baby", he phoned my doctor then told me to go straight in to see him. When I arrived to the doctor's surgery a mere ten minutes later, my doctor had left for the day and I had to see another doctor there. I had to open the report and read it myself to know what was really going on, and she wouldn't explain anything to me (I basically learned everything I now know about anhydramnios and renal agenesis by searching the net at home that night). She handed me a referral for a termination and told me to go to the emergency dept at RPA even though that wasn't the hospital I'd been going to for my antenatal care. I called my doctor a couple of days later to give him an update but he wouldn't take my call and didn't return my call. Needless to say, I've lost faith in that practice which is a shame as I have been going there for almost 15 years.

My employer has an employee assistance program which provides free counselling to staff. I've already been in contact with them and just need to call to make an appointment some time next week when I'm back full time.

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I lost a little boy to kidney abnormalities too - we discovered at our morphology scan that he only had one kidney and it was a build up of cysts and would never function properly- we had tests done and were told the same as you- just bad luck.

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I had never considered that we might lose a baby to a birth defect, and I am shocked that birth defects are so common. Our baby had bilateral renal agensis - the kidneys and bladder just never developed. Apparently it's a 1 in 4000 thing, but I found some stats on the Victorian govt site that gave the stat as 1 in 1500. I'm terrified it will happen again and am almost hoping that when the results come back, they will tell me it was something I did - at least then I will be able to control it in the future and not leave it up to fate.

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As for seeing other people and their babies- DO NOT rush yourself to do this- you will know if and when you can handle it...

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You're right and I took your advice. I told DH that I wasn't ready to see the SIL and he called his brother to cancel. He said later that neither of them had even thought that I might not be up to seeing his pregnant wife. So, good call and thanks :)

So, rather than sit here and mope, I'm going to move some furniture around. It's all about diversions and keeping busy I guess.

Just one more thing though, does anyone here remember getting the baby blues after a mid-term loss? DH is a little doubtful about it.

Hi hun,
Unfortunately losing a baby due to abnormalities is very common. We lost Emmanuel at 24wks due to Trisomy 13 which is a chromosone abnormality. Fortunately for me my GP was excellent. We found out at our 20wk scan which was a big shock. For me also seeing other babies or pregnant women was torture. We were able to go on and have a beautiful healthy baby girl last year who has brought so much joy to our lives. Take care of you and surround yourself with loving family and friends.

Regards,
Dianne

Hi Batty and welcome to Belly Belly - I am so sorry for the loss of Max - I am still weeping after reading your son's and your story. I wish I could just hug you - so please feel the support I am sending you... :hug:

I am appalled at the usupportive and insensitive way you were treated - this is just awful and I feel so sad when I read of stories such as yours. Unfortunately we live in a community that just does not understand death and grief.

Take all the time you need to walk through this journey - there will be many many times where you will doubt you will ever be okay again - but please believe that you will. It takes time lots of time to begin the healing. But in time you will again smile again - it all takes time.

You have found a wonderful community here on Belly Belly of women who will walk with you as you navigate your way.

Sending you love and healing... :hug:

oh, thats heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and your dh. Although you're not religious, may some higher power keep max safe for you.

Hi Batty :hug:

Good on you for trying to keep occupied.. it does hlep to get up and about and give yourself a little task to do each day, even if its just as simple as going to the shops to buy milk!

I am astonished by your shocking lack of care and consideration by the Gp and radiologist!! That is shocking and i dont blame you for not wanting to go back to that practice!! Do you have a normally good relationship with your GP that wasnt there that day? Had you been seeing the same Dr for 15 years? Even though he hasnt answered your call- maybe just book an appt with him anyway- or if not- go and see someone else and just take all your records with you- book a double appt and hope you get someone nice- perhaps if possible make it with an Obstytrician.

The radiologist i saw first was a bit the same- the same as you- my fluid was low- (this is becuase at this stage our boys were drinking the fluid up- but due to lack of kidney were not processing the fluid back out) and he knew something was wrong- very wrong- but wouldnt tell me a single thing- but i knew it was bad- coz they sent me to a larger town about 45 mintues away for another scan with a specialist- who thankfully was very nice and kind and understanding- but that 45 minute car ride was hell- not knowing WTF was going on- but knowing that something wasnt right.

When i got to the specialist radiologist he did another scan and explained to me about his kidney- and that also his bowel had not formed properly- or his bladder. It was put to me- that he would not make full term- and that sadly surgery would not help- and then he gently explained that i would need to deliver him - but that he would not survive. I had to then go and see an OB who gave me the referal for the "termination" ( a word i HATE to use when i think of my baby) but never saw my local GP until afterwards- though he had been contacted and knew what had happened.

I am glad that your DH and BIL and SIL were understanding- your will find that there will be people who "dont think" you will be upset- or if you are that it wont last long- just make sure you let DH know how you are feeling- and while its good to start to feel better- its just important not to rush it and do it at your own pace- not because other people think you should be "over it" already. And yes- you can very much get "baby blues" and full on PND after a mid term loss- your body is in chaos right now- hormones that were rattling forward preparing for your baby have been grinded to halt all too fast. Just like your heart and mind- your body was expecting your pregnancy to keep going- and its been cut short- no doubt your milk came through- even if they gave you that tablet- you still would have gotten some discomfort- it will take a while for your body to accept that its all over and get back to normal- and that includes your hormones- which play a huge part on PND. Besides the bleeding obvious- that yes you are going to also be very upset by the fact that you lost your baby- so do watch yourself- and take it all one day at a time- there is nothing to be ashamed of if you do find you get PND, just dont be afraid to seek out help from your gp- and as you already are- from the councilor through your work.

I hope you had a good time re arranging your furniture- take care- if you want or need to chat- i have msn- or pm me any time
xoxoxo

Hi Batty - I am so sorry to read about your beautiful son Max and the pain and heartbreak you are experiencing since his passing. You will find wonderful support amongst this forum and many people who understand your grief.

We lost our first baby Nathaniel last December. At the 20 week scan we discovered he had passed away around 15 weeks. They never found any chromosomal abnormalities and I have had many tests done since on me and all were clear. Once again it appears that his passing was just 'one of thos things'. It makes it hard to understand how a baby can just leave, and I understand the darkness and grief that is currently consuming you. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. You only just lost your son, so you need to explain to your DH that you still feel the pain deeply and that you need him to support you. I believe that the loss of a baby is the loneliest grief as so many people just can not understand the depth of our grief.

Firstly, yes you can suffer post natal depression after a midterm loss. My mother and DH were both worried that I was suffering depression after loss. We contacted SIDS and they offer a free counselling service at your home for late term losses and stillbirths as well as SIDS. It helped me immensely to have a counsellor come out and talk to both DH and I, and explain that I was not depressed but simply going through the normal grieving emotions. Having someone validate my grief really gave me a feeling of empowerment and the ability to ask for time and understanding.

With your DH, I think it is important to keep open communication with him. My DH was very supportive but we still had some terrible fights and often misunderstood each other. He admitted to me that he felt that Nathaniel and I had our own special team and that he was not part of it - I explained to him that we both desperately wanted him to be there with us and that we needed him. This was a turning point for us and I think it allowed my DH to understand better that I needed him more than ever. Also as already mentioned, take your time with seeing people and babies. You will know when you are ready for this. I honestly believe that most people will understand and if they don't, than is simply means that they lack compassion.

Please take care and know that Max will always be with you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your baby boy is in a safe place and is looking after you each and every day. As you can see I am pregnant with my second baby - a little girl, so good things do come and there is always a glimmer of hope in the darkness. :hug:

We lost our little girl Laila, last week to the day. I still can't believe it to be real. One minute we are excited for our 1st sonogram to find out the gender and the next they are telling me I have to let go. I am so angry, I feel so lost. I feel like a blanket of grief is thrown over me at random moments and I cannot get from under it. I want to stay under here and not deal with the world their questions, looks or words of sympathy. My house is filled with flowers that make me feel like it is a funeral home. I just want to still be pregnant, I want my little girl back. She was so beautiful, long graceful fingers and perfect lips. I just don't understand and don't think I ever will. It is just so unfair. I am in so much pain but don't know what to do with it. Batty I am sorry for your loss. I believe your husband just wants you to get better. Sometimes they feel so helpless in how to help us. I know mine was.I have been blessed with a husband who has been there for me. I almost forgot that he was in pain to. Now I know we are going through this together.

Oh Darling

I am so so sorry - I know how you feel - We lost Charles at 18w5d and my heart is breaking for you. Your husband is most likely in a world of pain and just wants to fix things and he can't. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. For the first 4 weeks after losing Charles I felt like everything was happening to someone else. Your mind is dealing with losing your child and your body has been through an enormous amount. You still have all of your pregnancy hormones. Honey these things take time and you cannot feel like your DH is frustrated with you I am sure it is not the case.
We are all here for you
Adelexx

Hi Batty

Just checking in to see how you are going. :hug: Thinking of you- we are all here if you need to vent or want to talk

Take care
xoxoxox

Thinking of you too batty :hug:

Hi Batty

I have not been on for a while but I do know how you feel. We lost our son Zachary at 35wks5days. He was stillborn and they don't know why. Even the autopsy revealed nothing. I find that I still have days when I cry all day (and it has been 11 weeks since Zachary died). I am finding that there are more babies around than ever and I try avoid going out if I can. It hurts so much to see babies.

My sister has 2 kids and her youngest was born in March. I found that I couldn't talk to her or see her kids on Skype for the first couple of weeks as I could not handle seeing them. I felt guilty but at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. I have learnt that I have to look after myself as everyone else has their own life and often don't know what to say so they say the wrong things. Give yourself as much time as you need, cry whenever you want to - I do.

I am here if you want to chat. I hope you are feeling a little better (even though I know things will never be the same).

Love
Theresa

Hi ladies,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I've read each of your replies and really appreciate the kind words and support. I still cry several times each day but I'm doing my best to keep busy, even if it's just doing something like mundane tidying up the linen closet. I don't have very much to tell you except that we brought our baby's ashes home on Wednesday. We have him resting between the pillows on our bed so if he needs us, we're right there...

Re: GPs - A colleague recommended a lady doctor to me and I've got an appointment to see her next week. I'll also arrange for my ex-GP to forward my notes to her so I don't have to go back. My sister has been seeing the same GP for almost as long and she is now looking to go elsewhere as she has noticed that he has been very complacent about her healthcare (she has PCOS).

:comfort:Batty, hold Little Max close- take care xoxoxo

I have Zachary's ashes at home too in our bedroom. We can say goodnight to him every night that way. Take comfort from that - I know I do. I have been doing a crazy clean today to keep my mind occupied. I hope you can get some comfort and support from our words. Take care xx

Just a quick update. I've seen a new GP - she was brilliant and I'm so glad I've made the break from my old doctor. She's happy with the way I've healed postpartum but very concerned about my moods. I've had another very low week, and spent much of it hiding out in my office crying. She referred me to a bereavement psychologist and I've got an appointment to see her on Friday but at $190 per session I don't think I'll be able to afford many sessions. The doctor was also concerned that I was told the genetic testing results would take three months so she is going to call the hospital on Monday and see if she can find out something. I was also told that the current waiting list is 8+ months for genetic counselling but she seems to think she could get me in right away as an urgent case.

The only thing the doctor couldn't really tell me is when it would be ok to try again. I've been told that I should wait for one cycle, three cycles or just wait until my body tells me I'm ready. The doctor said she'd make enquiries and let me know.

(Edit: I've just found the TTC after late loss section on the forum -- time to hunt down some answers!)

Hi

Glad you are feeling more confident with your new doctor. I have had an up and down week. Some days I wonder where it all went so wrong and why it had to happen to me! I get angry and then really sad. I miss my little boy so much and every day I wish he was here.

I am starting back at work fulltime on Monday and I am so scared. I still find I have days where I have no motivation to do anything and now I am going to have to go to work whether I want to or not. It is scary!

I hope you are getting stronger. Just know I am tyhinking of you and sharing your grief.

Love and hugs
Theresa

I can completely understand what you are going through. Please remember that you need to take care of YOU. If this means crying all day, sleeping, hiding away or talking about it you need to do it. You need to get through this initial grief anyway you can. However, for the long term please consider professional assistance. Whilst you will get yourself through the grief in the short term it is something that will always be with you.

Re DH's behaviour, his role is protector and provider and he can't do that at the moment. This hurt can come out in frustration or lack of understanding. It's his way of dealing with it. My husband was exactly the same. So whilst it's hard to ignore it please don't take his behaviour to heart as he is dealing with his hurt in his own way.

Take very good care of yourself

Im so sorry for your loss :hug:

Reading your story made me want to cry myself.

How devastating.

I lost a little girl at 18wks but we found out she was gone at 19wks 5 days, i had her at 19wks 6days.

The most important thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. I didnt do this proparly and i paid for it, and still am really.

The men seem to be able to pick themselves up fairly quickly after. I found this with my DH. I was upset because he didnt seem upset anymore. He said he was but its not like it was for me, for him. He said he didnt carry her etc so it was different, but he understood why i was so upset still and he was supportive of me. Try to have an open line of communication with your DH about this, its important that you support each other during this time.

Its good that you have found a good dr. The grief counselling is extremely important, i didnt get this and i realised later how much i really needed it. It was meant to be offered to me through my hospital but i got lost in the system.

You talked about feeling like you wanted to do something for your baby. I was the same. I bought a ruby pendant that i normally wear on a necklace all the time. (We named her Rubee) A few months later DH bought me another ruby pendant, but this one is a ruby in the middle of a heart. I also have ruby studs for earrings. I also scrapbooked an album for her, which i found very therapeutic. I havent finished it yet (3yrs later) but i am starting to feel like im ready to look at finishing it. I put her scan pics, hand and foot prints, cards from friends, pictures of the garden she is in, anything i had that is about her is in her album.

Sending you lots of strength and wishing you all the best for the future :hug:

Hi Kristi,
I love the ruby idea. My husband said that he had intended to buy a piece of jewellry for me when our baby was born and we talked about it again and have decided to have a ring made using Max's birthstone (sapphire) and we'll have it engraved with his name and birthdate.

I had my first session with a bereavement counsellor on Friday. I wish I could say that I got a lot out of the session but to be honest, she really didn?t tell me anything that I didn?t already know. She wants to see me again and I will go but essentially she said that I need to grieve (yep), that no one can tell me that I?m grieving for too long or too much (ok), and I need to give myself some space to grieve (right-o). Ultimately, it?s going to take time.

For now I?m putting my energy into knitting some outfits to replace the ones that were given to my little boy. Seeing him dressed and being able to hold him wrapped in a blanket was very special and I would like to give that back to someone in the same situation.

Oh Batty,

Be kind to yourself. I lost my darling boy at 28 weeks, doctors tell me it was just one of those things, a blood clot on my placenta. That was on the 28th March 2008.

Not one day goes by that i do not think of him. All your feelings of anxiety i too can relate to. My sister in law gave birth to her third child on 10 August 2008. I have not been able to see her or her child yet. I avoid going out to functions, however i am getting better.

I want to give you advice that will solve everything, but there isn't. Surround yourself will supportive people. One's who will listen and not give advice, as they just don't know.

I only took two weeks from work, i believe that it was good for me because it did get me off the couch.

I attend a support group organised by SANDS, it helps to talk to people that do know how it feels.

My partner and i are blessed to be expecting another boy on 1 March 2009. I am so nervous. I know it sounds odd or negative but i can't stand seeing pregnant women, i just want to tell them of all the bad stories, and them to feel a little of what i am going through and not to be so happy.

Because of our experience my partner and i have been unable to enjoy the pregnancy, we don't want to go out shopping for him, or plan for him. We just want march to come. I just want to replace the nightmare of childbirth, having a sleeping baby, to having a crying baby.

However, i draw my strength from the knowledge that many women before me have had to endure what i have gone through and they have gone on to have healthy happy babies. I must remember that as unfair as 28th March was to us, it can't happen again.

once again Be Kind To Yourself. If you have any reservations about going out and socialising, stuff it, people understand. you are not letting anyone down.

Hi Batty,

I am so sorry for your loss.

My SIL has a special memorial garden she has made for her little girl who passed away after being born premature and my brother and his wife put their stillborn son's ashes inside of a teddy bear. (still in his urn)

Just some small ideas that may or may not help on your journey.

Best wishes and love to you both.