batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?
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batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?
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. Im so sorry for what you are going through. Don't be afraid to take time for yourself particularly when it comes to being around other pregnant women and babies. You alone will know when you are ready to do that, not anyone else. At the moment you are grieving and that takes time, love and patience. And even though Max is not with you, you will always be his mother, nothing can ever change that.
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Batty.. Im very sorry for your loss- I am sure that your little Angel Max knows how very much he was and is still loved and missed xoxo
I lost a little boy to kidney abnormalities too - we discovered at our morphology scan that he only had one kidney and it was a build up of cysts and would never function properly- we had tests done and were told the same as you- just bad luck. I was induced a few days later- and My son Darren was born still in his sac- but had passed away between the scan and his delivery- his due date is actually coming up next week- he would have been 4 years old- and i still think about him every day.
It is very understandable that right now you feel lost and incredibly empty and robbed of your precious baby. To loose a baby at any stage is horrible- but half way through a pregnancy really messes with your head your body and your heart. Take as much time as you need to recover emotionally and physically. I was a mess for the remainder of what would have been the rest of the pregnancy- right up till his due date- i just couldnt move forward and kept thinking "I should still be pregnant- i should be feeling this now etc" and then when his due date came and went was when the reality of loosing him really sunk in- he was really gone
The suggestions of how to remember your angel are all helpful- releasing balloons, planting a special plant in your garden to care for- lighting candles having a special place for his ashes and keeping all mementoes are very important, Max is a very special part of your life and always will be- and even though right now remembering him only brings tears to your eyes, one day you will be able to think of him without crying and remember the special happy times of your pregnancy and you will always hold that precious hour of cuddles you shared with him in your heart forever.
Every year on Darren and Zahras birth/death dates and due dates i light candles- and i ask all of my friends and family where ever they are to light one as well as a show of rememberance to my angels- if you are part of a church or group- perhaps that is something you can do for Max- or hold a Ceromony of Goodbye on his EDD.
My coucilor made it very clear to my hubby and I that mums and dads greive very differently- and i am sure that your DH is not sick of your tears- if anything it just makes him all the sadder to see you sad- but thats no reason to hurry your grief- let him know that you need to feel sad and get it all out- and the best thing he can do is hold you while you cry and cry with you when you need him to. Also i found my DH was a little more detatched from our loss of Darren- as being only 18 weeks- i felt his precense in our lives much more than DH did- when i lost our daughter Zahra at 35 weeks(more "bad luck" a placental abrubtion)- DH was much more emotionally attatched as he had actually felt her kicking and moving- which he hadnt felt with Darren. If that makes sense??!!
As for seeing other people and their babies- DO NOT rush yourself to do this- you will know if and when you can handle it- and trust me- the torture of trying to see them when your not ready is not worth it- take care of YOU right now- Let your DH go and see these people if he is ready for it- but tell him to go on his own. I had a horrible experience with my sister when i tried to ignore the fact that seeing her baby broke my heart- and it ended really badly (me crying in the middle of a dinner party and making a quick exit only to be called rude for missing her birthday cake) when i should have just given my apologies and not attended in the first place- still might have been called rude- but at least i didnt have a baby thrust in my face as well- just my personal experience)
BB is fantastic place to have support during the coming months and years for you- with the help of BB i found myself confident enough to try for another baby (after two late lossed and a few early m/c) and i am now the very proud mummy to a marvelous little boy Shane- who is 9 weeks old today. Bad luck does eventually run out!
Take care of yourself and be true to your feelings xoxox
SB
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your little man shares his angel bday with my precious daughter...we just celebrated our 5th year since she was born
just know this is a wonderufl community full of wonderful caqring woman
Lisa that poem is beautiful
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I know I should go back to the GP for post-birth care but I am so angry and disappointed in the way they treated me that I am liable to trash his office if I do go back! To cut a long story short, the radiologist told me I didn't have "enough fluid around the baby", he phoned my doctor then told me to go straight in to see him. When I arrived to the doctor's surgery a mere ten minutes later, my doctor had left for the day and I had to see another doctor there. I had to open the report and read it myself to know what was really going on, and she wouldn't explain anything to me (I basically learned everything I now know about anhydramnios and renal agenesis by searching the net at home that night). She handed me a referral for a termination and told me to go to the emergency dept at RPA even though that wasn't the hospital I'd been going to for my antenatal care. I called my doctor a couple of days later to give him an update but he wouldn't take my call and didn't return my call. Needless to say, I've lost faith in that practice which is a shame as I have been going there for almost 15 years.
My employer has an employee assistance program which provides free counselling to staff. I've already been in contact with them and just need to call to make an appointment some time next week when I'm back full time.
I had never considered that we might lose a baby to a birth defect, and I am shocked that birth defects are so common. Our baby had bilateral renal agensis - the kidneys and bladder just never developed. Apparently it's a 1 in 4000 thing, but I found some stats on the Victorian govt site that gave the stat as 1 in 1500. I'm terrified it will happen again and am almost hoping that when the results come back, they will tell me it was something I did - at least then I will be able to control it in the future and not leave it up to fate.
You're right and I took your advice. I told DH that I wasn't ready to see the SIL and he called his brother to cancel. He said later that neither of them had even thought that I might not be up to seeing his pregnant wife. So, good call and thanks
So, rather than sit here and mope, I'm going to move some furniture around. It's all about diversions and keeping busy I guess.
Just one more thing though, does anyone here remember getting the baby blues after a mid-term loss? DH is a little doubtful about it.
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Hi hun,
Unfortunately losing a baby due to abnormalities is very common. We lost Emmanuel at 24wks due to Trisomy 13 which is a chromosone abnormality. Fortunately for me my GP was excellent. We found out at our 20wk scan which was a big shock. For me also seeing other babies or pregnant women was torture. We were able to go on and have a beautiful healthy baby girl last year who has brought so much joy to our lives. Take care of you and surround yourself with loving family and friends.
Regards,
Dianne
Hi Batty and welcome to Belly Belly - I am so sorry for the loss of Max - I am still weeping after reading your son's and your story. I wish I could just hug you - so please feel the support I am sending you...
I am appalled at the usupportive and insensitive way you were treated - this is just awful and I feel so sad when I read of stories such as yours. Unfortunately we live in a community that just does not understand death and grief.
Take all the time you need to walk through this journey - there will be many many times where you will doubt you will ever be okay again - but please believe that you will. It takes time lots of time to begin the healing. But in time you will again smile again - it all takes time.
You have found a wonderful community here on Belly Belly of women who will walk with you as you navigate your way.
Sending you love and healing...
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oh, thats heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and your dh. Although you're not religious, may some higher power keep max safe for you.
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Hi Batty
Good on you for trying to keep occupied.. it does hlep to get up and about and give yourself a little task to do each day, even if its just as simple as going to the shops to buy milk!
I am astonished by your shocking lack of care and consideration by the Gp and radiologist!! That is shocking and i dont blame you for not wanting to go back to that practice!! Do you have a normally good relationship with your GP that wasnt there that day? Had you been seeing the same Dr for 15 years? Even though he hasnt answered your call- maybe just book an appt with him anyway- or if not- go and see someone else and just take all your records with you- book a double appt and hope you get someone nice- perhaps if possible make it with an Obstytrician.
The radiologist i saw first was a bit the same- the same as you- my fluid was low- (this is becuase at this stage our boys were drinking the fluid up- but due to lack of kidney were not processing the fluid back out) and he knew something was wrong- very wrong- but wouldnt tell me a single thing- but i knew it was bad- coz they sent me to a larger town about 45 mintues away for another scan with a specialist- who thankfully was very nice and kind and understanding- but that 45 minute car ride was hell- not knowing WTF was going on- but knowing that something wasnt right.
When i got to the specialist radiologist he did another scan and explained to me about his kidney- and that also his bowel had not formed properly- or his bladder. It was put to me- that he would not make full term- and that sadly surgery would not help- and then he gently explained that i would need to deliver him - but that he would not survive. I had to then go and see an OB who gave me the referal for the "termination" ( a word i HATE to use when i think of my baby) but never saw my local GP until afterwards- though he had been contacted and knew what had happened.
I am glad that your DH and BIL and SIL were understanding- your will find that there will be people who "dont think" you will be upset- or if you are that it wont last long- just make sure you let DH know how you are feeling- and while its good to start to feel better- its just important not to rush it and do it at your own pace- not because other people think you should be "over it" already. And yes- you can very much get "baby blues" and full on PND after a mid term loss- your body is in chaos right now- hormones that were rattling forward preparing for your baby have been grinded to halt all too fast. Just like your heart and mind- your body was expecting your pregnancy to keep going- and its been cut short- no doubt your milk came through- even if they gave you that tablet- you still would have gotten some discomfort- it will take a while for your body to accept that its all over and get back to normal- and that includes your hormones- which play a huge part on PND. Besides the bleeding obvious- that yes you are going to also be very upset by the fact that you lost your baby- so do watch yourself- and take it all one day at a time- there is nothing to be ashamed of if you do find you get PND, just dont be afraid to seek out help from your gp- and as you already are- from the councilor through your work.
I hope you had a good time re arranging your furniture- take care- if you want or need to chat- i have msn- or pm me any time
xoxoxo
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Hi Batty - I am so sorry to read about your beautiful son Max and the pain and heartbreak you are experiencing since his passing. You will find wonderful support amongst this forum and many people who understand your grief.
We lost our first baby Nathaniel last December. At the 20 week scan we discovered he had passed away around 15 weeks. They never found any chromosomal abnormalities and I have had many tests done since on me and all were clear. Once again it appears that his passing was just 'one of thos things'. It makes it hard to understand how a baby can just leave, and I understand the darkness and grief that is currently consuming you. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. You only just lost your son, so you need to explain to your DH that you still feel the pain deeply and that you need him to support you. I believe that the loss of a baby is the loneliest grief as so many people just can not understand the depth of our grief.
Firstly, yes you can suffer post natal depression after a midterm loss. My mother and DH were both worried that I was suffering depression after loss. We contacted SIDS and they offer a free counselling service at your home for late term losses and stillbirths as well as SIDS. It helped me immensely to have a counsellor come out and talk to both DH and I, and explain that I was not depressed but simply going through the normal grieving emotions. Having someone validate my grief really gave me a feeling of empowerment and the ability to ask for time and understanding.
With your DH, I think it is important to keep open communication with him. My DH was very supportive but we still had some terrible fights and often misunderstood each other. He admitted to me that he felt that Nathaniel and I had our own special team and that he was not part of it - I explained to him that we both desperately wanted him to be there with us and that we needed him. This was a turning point for us and I think it allowed my DH to understand better that I needed him more than ever. Also as already mentioned, take your time with seeing people and babies. You will know when you are ready for this. I honestly believe that most people will understand and if they don't, than is simply means that they lack compassion.
Please take care and know that Max will always be with you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your baby boy is in a safe place and is looking after you each and every day. As you can see I am pregnant with my second baby - a little girl, so good things do come and there is always a glimmer of hope in the darkness.
I can completely understand what you are going through. Please remember that you need to take care of YOU. If this means crying all day, sleeping, hiding away or talking about it you need to do it. You need to get through this initial grief anyway you can. However, for the long term please consider professional assistance. Whilst you will get yourself through the grief in the short term it is something that will always be with you.
Re DH's behaviour, his role is protector and provider and he can't do that at the moment. This hurt can come out in frustration or lack of understanding. It's his way of dealing with it. My husband was exactly the same. So whilst it's hard to ignore it please don't take his behaviour to heart as he is dealing with his hurt in his own way.
Take very good care of yourself
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Oh Batty,
Be kind to yourself. I lost my darling boy at 28 weeks, doctors tell me it was just one of those things, a blood clot on my placenta. That was on the 28th March 2008.
Not one day goes by that i do not think of him. All your feelings of anxiety i too can relate to. My sister in law gave birth to her third child on 10 August 2008. I have not been able to see her or her child yet. I avoid going out to functions, however i am getting better.
I want to give you advice that will solve everything, but there isn't. Surround yourself will supportive people. One's who will listen and not give advice, as they just don't know.
I only took two weeks from work, i believe that it was good for me because it did get me off the couch.
I attend a support group organised by SANDS, it helps to talk to people that do know how it feels.
My partner and i are blessed to be expecting another boy on 1 March 2009. I am so nervous. I know it sounds odd or negative but i can't stand seeing pregnant women, i just want to tell them of all the bad stories, and them to feel a little of what i am going through and not to be so happy.
Because of our experience my partner and i have been unable to enjoy the pregnancy, we don't want to go out shopping for him, or plan for him. We just want march to come. I just want to replace the nightmare of childbirth, having a sleeping baby, to having a crying baby.
However, i draw my strength from the knowledge that many women before me have had to endure what i have gone through and they have gone on to have healthy happy babies. I must remember that as unfair as 28th March was to us, it can't happen again.
once again Be Kind To Yourself. If you have any reservations about going out and socialising, stuff it, people understand. you are not letting anyone down.
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Hi Batty,
I am so sorry for your loss.
My SIL has a special memorial garden she has made for her little girl who passed away after being born premature and my brother and his wife put their stillborn son's ashes inside of a teddy bear. (still in his urn)
Just some small ideas that may or may not help on your journey.
Best wishes and love to you both.
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