13yo's Freedoms: DH & I disagree: HELP!

[Janie]

Bath, I think you're doing the right thing. I do recall that what you're suggesting would be considered quite embarrassing, in fact if my mum had suggested it I likely would have chosen not to go. But you know what? That's tough. If she wants to go, it needs to be on your terms, she's only 13 after all.

I agree with the others.......if she wants to be given the freedom to do this sort sort of thing, she needs to prove to you that she is responsible enough, by that I mean calling you when required, and ALWAYS having her phone on. If she can mange that without hiccup, then maybe you can all work towards the big outing in city. I only once broke my promise to call home at a certain time - I missed out on a concert I dearly wanted to go to! But I never did it again. My mum was okay with me staying out late, as long as I adhered to a few rules - she had to know where I was and who I was with at all times, had to know how I was getting home (if she wasn't picking me up), and if I was going to be held up in any way, shape or form then I MUST call home, regardless of the time. She was stricter than alot of my friend's parents, but I'm glad of that now....I know what my friends got up to LOL!

Trust your instincts Bath.....at some stage you will have to let her go, and you will be nervous, but you'll know it's the right time. Stick to your guns on this one

[fionas]

I'm going to go against the grain here a bit. I think it depends. We live close to the city (about 12 mins to Flinders Street on the train) so for us the city seems pretty local. My DP was completely comfortable about SD (who was 13 at the time) going to the city with friends - during the day for shopping. Would have been a totally different story at night.

He did cop a bit of flack from SIL about letting her go on the train without an adult but he was confident that a) trains aren't that dangerous and he should know, he's a train driver and b) that she was going to do what she said she was going to do ie. shop.

So for us, the city is not much different to her going anywhere else unaccompanied during the day because it's close. We might feel differently if it was a big trip and if we weren't sure that she had enough street smarts to not put herself in dangerous situations.

But it also depends on how comfortable you feel with the whole idea. We were, BUT that doesn't mean that you should be and I'm not saying let her go.

I don't like the chaperone idea. I would have HATED it and I think you either trust her or you don't. But I do like the idea of gradually working up to it and establishing groundrules about contact while she's out. Break the rules and it's off the agenda. I think that's fair.

Or you could always do what my DP's parents did. He was a geeky trainspotter who used to go to the city when he was 14 and photograph trains from the Spencer Street bridge every Friday night and this was WAY before mobile phones were around. Anyhow, they got a little concerned that maybe they were being too trusting so one night they let him go as usual then jumped in the car and went to Spencer Street to check. There he was in his anorak photographing trains like he said he would be. They didn't tell him that story till years later!

[Pretty Butterfly]

I'm with you Bath. My 13 yr old wont be doing it. Your idea of going and staying in the distance is perfect. If she thinks she is mature enough to go out like that, than she is mature enough to allow mum to go along, albeit a fair distance behind!!

There are the two extremes I guess. You go, and she's a little put out, but realises at the end of the day it wasn't so bad, and she'll prob have a great day. The other extreme is she goes alone, and god forbid, but something happens....I certainly know which one I prefer....I would also have severe concenquences for not answering the phone... but to keep her happy, maybe use text so her friends cant hear her talking to mummy??


Can you and your daughter go out for a quick hot choccie together before the big day??? A little talk about learning to grow up responsibly, and all the freedom she will earn, for helping you help her make good choices and proving to you how mature she can be. I was taught that good trusting behavour meant a little more freedom. Show her your serious about her freedom, and she just may cooperate!!


This how it is going to work out when mine get older of course!!! Yeah right!!!

[Nai]

It is a tough one Bath, I know I would rather let my DD go into the city rather than Northland too I did go into the city and roam around with friends from the age of 14 (and I was a country girl but we had a flat in Melbourne we used to come down to every second weekend). However, my Mum would also be in the city too. She would go to Myer and we would go to Heaven or Cherrylane (oooh showing my age there). We also used to go to the underage discos at the Underground from when I was 15.

Even so, I would always have a designated place and time to meet mum afterwards (if I messed up then I would never be allowed to go again). I think it is completely fair for you to go to the city as well and maybe have her check in by phone every hour. Let her know that if she messes up she won't be doing it again. I'm sure she will comply.

[JadeLil]

I agree with Nai. I would organise a place to pick her up from/meet. It is all about "trust" and I think if she breaks that "trust" well she won't be allowed to do it again!!! I would let her go and have set time for drop-off and pick-up. If she breaks any of these arrangements well she will not be going in to the city for awhile until she earns her trust and responsibility back.

[Bathsheba]

Thanks again girls for your continuing advice and support

Purplemumma: I had to laugh with your about going out for a hot choccie and a "talk". Yeah, I try that... and at the time you think you have it all sorted but it's all forgotten when they get swept up with their friends. Honestly it goes in one ear and out the other... but they trick you into thinking that you've had some impact. My DD can seem very mature and sensible when she wants something... but then DH and I check out her MySpace page and get a dose of reality... it's so Jeckyl and Hyde... and you sometimes don't actually know which one you are dealing with!

[Olive]

im with you too on this one bath! she is too young to wander on her own! stand your ground with her and DH!

[Lisa]

I agree that she is too young.
My DS is 14 in a few days, and we do a similar thing... I wander around the shops, letting him do his own thing to a certain degree. But I am sure the city of Newcastle is a little different to the city of Melbourne!!! lol.

I hope you and your DD reach a compromise soon.

[Pretty Butterfly]

I can so see my DD being the same as yours!!! Although luckly, so far, her best friend lives a little out of town, just near Adams folks, and they prefer to hang out there. They've got a pool, and cows and dogs and heaps of space.... I wonder how long that will last....