hun its not easy, and your doing a great job.
its a tough age aswell, she is prob trying to find out who "she" is in society and also at home.

being the oldest is sometimes hardest, they say the middle child has it worse, but from my experience its the eldest, as so much is expected of them, to always be the one to set the right example or to be mature and help out.

i find DS who is 9, responds really well to one on one time, its hard to do but when he gets even 20 min a week he is more receptive to us, i know i have it easier because i have hubby here, but maybe thats what she is missing as well all the kids at school talk about daddy, so maybe a phone call when the others are quiet where they can have a chat and talk about daddy daughter things, i know his job makes it hard for him aswel and him being so far away is a strain on everyone no doubt.

but remember your doing a great job.

we also find if we follow through with our threats DS soon learns we arent just saying it and he changes his attitude. like the other week he was lying and being rude and arguing over everything and not listening so he didnt go camping, now we only have to say keep it up boy and you will miss out again, he sulks for 10 min then comes out an dis fine.

he has had x box, ds, tv, computer, toys taken off him and then he has to earn them back with good behaviour and love and affection ( he isnt a very affectionate person usually )

remember she is picking up on your stress aswell.

DS TTing is hard aswell as you need to be there more for him.

maybe set the younger 2 up with a movie and take DD1 outside for a bit of girly time or some craft stuff, maybe she can help with your buisness your starting?