DSD Potentially Moving Out To Friend's And Friend's Parents House - Could This Work?

[fionas]

OK, spoke to the other parents this arvo. Think she's scuppered if she wants to stay in Melbourne for partying rather than school. Agreed Monday-Friday at their place, weekends at ours with one weekend night a month allowed in Melbourne for special occasion like friend's 18th party. If there's more than one party on in a month, too bad, she has to choose which one she wants to go to. All school nights to be spent at the other parent's house. Must attend school. Those are the big rules and if they are breached then the deal's off and she moves to Woodend.

Lulu - that's fab that your daughter has turned the situation around. As I told DSD's friend's parents this arvo - I think the flaky school attendance and wanting to test boundaries on staying out is fairly typical teenage behaviour so I'm not OVERLY concerned about that. It's the stealing from friends, lying, complete lack of remorse for anything and manipulation of people that I find quite chilling. Did your daughter do this too - is there any hope that DSD will change her ways on this front too?

And before anyone asks, we were BRUTALLY honest about DSD's behaviour - we did not try to pull the wool over their eyes just to get her out of the way. We laid it on the line.

[Lulu]

Agree on the usual teen behaviour - we all did it, but the stealing from friends etc must be pretty hard to take. I also think they all also manipulate to an extent. DD said some bloody awful things about me that really hurt but it was all part of her rich tapestry of bollocks that would eventually lead her to independence.
She didn't steal from her friends or anything but if she did do that sort of shenanigans, I would have left it to the friends jury. If she is ballsy and/or remorseless enough to do that type of thing it's still HER CHOICE. Not a reflection of you, may or may not be a reflection of her mother but ultimately her choice and she will wear those consequences in one way or another.

I think this is an excellent plan Fi. Hopefully she will learn independence comes with responsibility, being in another environment in which she will be exepected to pull her weight will give her insight into how the world really works. Better she learn early.

Someone mentioned "40 year old kids" - there are so many of these people around because no one pulled them up.

Raising teens craps on raising babies....it's your swansong as a parent (and YES even step parent), the last chance to mould them before you 'release' them onto the world.

[fionas]

Thanks Lulu. Yep, you're right about the peers' jury - that's going to be much more effective than it coming from us.

DP had a brief conversation with DSD tonight before she hung up on him. I think she's quite flustered that she's successfully convinced the other parents that this is about her wanting to continue at her current school so they are facilitating that BUT she doesn't get what she really wants which is to stay in the Big Smoke on weekends. Pure genius on all the parents' parts methinks. So I'm not sure that she will go for this plan because she may think that if she has to spend her weekends in Woodend she might as well change schools so she's got people up there that she can party with instead.

Some parts were quite funny as it transpires that she's already told them two lies about her whereabouts that we know of and their reaction was, "why would she do that, there was no need to lie about it" - to which DP and I said "THAT'S exactly what we've been talking about."

But they are really nice/good people. They have three teenagers of their own so are not easily fazed by stuff. It's easier for them than us to judge what's 'normal' teen behaviour and what's not IYKWIM because they've seen it all and they have a good network of parents put together since their kids were in primary school.

We've agreed what the board should be, still undecided about whether DSD should contribute. They did point out that maybe it's not as easy to get a PT job as we think especially for 17-year-olds compared to 15-year-olds because they have to get paid more.

But that's kind of a side issue for us at the moment. The ball is in DSD's court as to what she wants to do.

[Epacris]

Fiona I too have followed your story and I just wanted to pop in with absolutely no advice but all the warmth and love in the world for you and your family. And FWIW I think you have been patient and generous with your DSD and now you are being reasonable and practical, the absolute best you could possibly be in this situation. Thank you for sharing your story, I know I have learnt so much from yours and others too. There is so much to learn, lucky there are a few years to go for me before I get there with mine.

Huge hugs and of course all the best of luck.

[Mummato2]

Can I just say Fi - that you and DH have handled this brilliantly?

I think it's so clever to give the little bugger exactly what she is asking for on the surface while at the same time debunking her from any ulterior motive she has - pure parental genius LOL

My parents were write offs growing up and I found comfort with a friend's family who welcomed me with open arms and included me in their activities. It was so nice to belong to a loving family.....at one point I was going to move in with them - but my mother did her famous manipulation number and I ended up moving out completely at 18 years old - never looked back. A new family could be exactly what she needs so she realises that "normalcy" is actually what she had!

Good luck with it all - and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy - you need some stress free time between now and bub's arrival!

[Lulu]

But they are really nice/good people. They have three teenagers of their own so are not easily fazed by stuff. It's easier for them than us to judge what's 'normal' teen behaviour and what's not IYKWIM because they've seen it all and they have a good network of parents put together since their kids were in primary school.

This is GOLD. See - since your SDD arrived off a plane you didn't have the chance to sort that. The parent network is sooooo important. You could not have managed that due to circumstance and the parent network can all but disappear when they get to secondary school.

I'm not sure where I posted this but I had no problem with stating my beliefs to other parents, I would ring them if she was going to a party at their house and would say "I do NOT give permission for my daughter to drink here" (eg), or if they would come to pick theirs up from my place I would have chats on my boundaries etc. Through that I managed to establish a small but effective network and ALL our kids came up against brick walls. I would often have a 'stray' appear and want to stay overnight and they were always welcome - on condition they called their parents and let them know where they were and that they were safe.

Buggered if I was going to facilitate some kid upsetting their parents by staying out all weekend (at my place) , and they did the same for me. It got us all through the 14/15/16 years.

[Rivlas]

Fiona, have you talked to centrelink about this move. She might be entitled to some payment, healthcare card and maybe rent assistance.

Glad things went well today and she knows what is going on. Maybe living with them and their rules will make her realise that your household is 'normal' and not so bad after all.

[fionas]

No I haven't Rivlas - I don't think she will be but the money isn't our top concern right now - I just want less bloody stress so that my gestational diabetes doesn't go bananas and I can actually function which this week has been mighty difficult! But I think we get a whopping big Family Tax Benefit because having three kids means we are a large family which will actually cover the money we need to pay the other parents in board. Dunno if that's underhand or not. I mean, IF we pay her board, we are still financially supporting her just the same as if she were living under our roof Monday-Friday so to me it's much of a muchness as to whether we are entitled to that FTB or not. DP and I will talk about the board issue again (ie. whether we get her to pay some of it - it WOULD be too much for her to reasonably pay all of it on her own while going to school) once she's made her mind up what she's going to do.

And FWIW, it sounds like the other parents have VERY similiar rules for their own daughter that we do for DSD. Basically, I think this whole thing was a bit of a punt on DSD's part. She got confronted on Monday night re stealing her friend's iPhone so did a runner to her mate's. Thought she had come up with a grand plan for moving out. All looked like it was going swimmingly - she thought it would be a win/win. Either they would take her in and not be able to police her so she would be able to do what she wanted OR we would be so concerned about her leaving home that the fact that she's now a thief would be forgotten about and we would go easy on her in future incase she went to live at her friend's. She has said to me before when I've told her you have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me out that, "you're a high school student at this sweetheart." I think I'm learning fast

[Lulu]

yeah, big punt. Sorry it's gonna backfire on her.... all part of learning about the world dear girl.

I had a friend of DD's come to stay with me for awhile. I gave her the lowdown on the rules and it was NOTHING to this kid. All she wanted was a chance, having a curfew and chores was a walk in the park.
I've also had a few through that balked at the rules (even with being able to literally have their own flat- in my backyard) and went back home within hours of knowing it wasn't going to be a parent free partay...

[fionas]

I remember that girl Lulu and she just sounded lovely - hope she's doing OK now. We all know that there are teenagers out there who've had a REALLY rough trot and deserve all the kindness and fair go they can get. Unfortunately, there's others like DSD who can talk the talk and get MASSES of sympathy because on the surface their version of events sounds plausible to an outside party.

I predict she will come back with, I think I should come to Woodend but can I spend weekends at my friend's parents house?

I also don't know how I'm going to get past the fact that I actually don't think she's a decent human being right now. The lying, stealing, ripping off friends and manipulating people is REALLY getting to me because I really feel I'm dealing with a miniature version of her mum. I think I'm just going to have to be upfront with her and tell her how I feel about it (leaving out the Freudian mum bit) and say I'll treat her civilly but I'm really sus about her ATM.

[Lulu]

I know that feeling. It's also because you might have been sure you could have sorted her out and made a success of her. Nuttin rong with dat but when we have these daydreams we forget to include their personalities and individualities.

She isn't acting very gracefully right now.....and if you can take her mother out of the picture (and the interview questions you so badly want her to answer ) you might be left with the fact you have a child on your hands that just wants to get out in the world and thinks she knows everything.

[Lulu]

and you suck btw, we could have had this convo live with awesome music at a sweet little pub....but oooooh no. You had to get yourself knocked up and in a wheelchair

and I have to take 3o0 mins on each response to fix all the spelling mistakes cos its 11.30 on a saturday night

[fionas]

Oh don't you worry, I was thinking the same bloody thing.

And just for the record, couldn't go to the May meetup because DP had some Signal Records Society meeting on (I kid you not) and besides that, seeing you girls shaking your thang would have been altogether too much and I would have gone into "look, look, look at me. Look at what a good dancer I am." And I would have been so intent on showing off that I would have completely buggered up the pelvis. And the next thing is High Tea which will send my blood sugar into absolute conniptions.

But you know there will be a lot of making up of lost time to do when we finally have a drink. My PB is first date with DP where we had 15 stubbies each.

Woodend has pubs. And we have a spare room. Possibly two

Oh, and something else that will make you laugh. DSD has been religiously hunting down on a book on, of all things ... how to be a CLASSY chick. I feel like saying to her, "darl, I don't think Audrey Hepburn stashed stolen phones up her gloves or in her ballet pumps."

[Mummato2]

Oh, and something else that will make you laugh. DSD has been religiously hunting down on a book on, of all things ... how to be a CLASSY chick. I feel like saying to her, "darl, I don't think Audrey Hepburn stashed stolen phones up her gloves or in her ballet pumps."

[Lulu]

oh man - you should have said it out loud - classic!

[Fleur]

I think it's so clever to give the little bugger exactly what she is asking for on the surface while at the same time debunking her from any ulterior motive she has - pure parental genius LOL

I'm just another one coming in to say well done & good luck... I've been watching your threads... there but for a bit of luck go we....
Hope you get a chance to relax a bit before bub comes.

[fionas]

OK, so saw DSD's lovely hairdresser friend today (who I've told I will put on a retainer of $100 per month to talk some common sense to her and, short version is:

Friend is also sick of her BS. Has told her that we're really nice and fair so what on earth is DSD's problem? Has told her that there are rules ANYWHERE and ours aren't even overly strict.
Was gobsmacked that DSD sneaked back to a party in the middle of the night last week AND stole someone's iPhone. Was gobsmacked by many more things we told her.
Has been telling DSD for months to get a job instead of sponging off her mates.
Reported back that DSD was hysterical yesterday after being told that she could only stay in Melbourne Monday-Friday. Lying on floor yelling and screaming hysterical at which point friend told her to stop being a baby and pull herself together.
Also reported back that DSD's friend's parents returned back from their chat from us looking very tired and worried and have basically told DSD that if she stuffs up ONCE she will be out on her arse to Woodend, no discussion entered into. No second chances.
Also reported that DSD is already nicking her friend's stuff at the house but hasn't been caught yet - was only an eyeliner but sure that will just be the start.

I've told friend she's welcome to come and stay with us in Woodend anytime (preferably without DSD) - friend has said she'd love to.

Nice to be vindicated in my judgement of the situation

[Fleur]

Yeah, when their friends are backing you up, it kind of says something huh