Wow fiona that could be my DD. I'm at the point to of letting her move out when she reaches 16 (see my posts lol) My DD also lies, manipulates and steals not only from us but her friends as well and she also shows no remorse. We have tried the counselling and family sit downs and nothing gets through.
Hope this other family sticks to their guns and if DSD does anything wrong they follow through and make her leave. It is such a hard decision and I understand totally especially about wanting a stress free house. I dream about this.
Fiona. Just popped into this late and wanted to wish you the best as you muddle through this situation. At least your eyeliner is safe in the meantime.
There've been a few more developments since I last posted but I've basically decided to put my health and the baby first. The situation with DSD, thinking about what's happened and what to do was sending my gestational diabetes nuttso as well as affecting my emotional wellbeing big time.
So I've told DP that I need to take care of me and the baby and he needs to take care of the DSD situation. And he needs to keep her away from me until I've at least had the baby because the situation completely stresses me out.
I think enough's enough.
KimB - for what it's worth, I think Lulu was spot on in an earlier post and we just have to rely on life teaching them those lessons now; there's no point us trying to instill it for the 100th time.
Oh fiona I hope you feel better. It is terrible what stress can do. Big hugs for you.
We had the counsellor appointment this afternoon with Sarah and I don't know what she told him but I expressed my concerns about her moving out, her lack of eating (he did say she looked very pale) and the tantrums when she can't do as she wants. He wants to see her again (she is resisting) and after we see the dietician next week and also find out about her work experience during the school holidays we need to make another appointment to see him so he can decide where to go from here. I'm hoping that someone takes her eating disorder a bit more seriously and refers her to a specialist. So far everyone has told me that she is not severe enough but she is skin and bones and getting worse. We had a fight yesterday because she didn't eat breakfast and refused to take lunch to school and then I had all the phone calls from the school re her tantrums (she decided to go to sick bay and play it up so much that some of the teachers were ready to call an ambulance). There is no way she is ready to move out and take responsibility for herself.
Sorry to hijack your thread fiona, I'll stop now lol
Take care and here's hoping your GD gets better and the stress goes away.
Not reading any of your previous threads I feel like i have to tell my story. I gave my parents hell when i was a teenager, moved out at 15 and never went back, i usto sneak out every night, drink/drugs/smoking, drank so much i nearly killed myself, lied, stole, sex the whole kit and kaboodle lol I still remember the day i realized how easy it was at my parents house, i was already working so i didnt need to find a job, but when i needed to pay rent and food with my pay i quickly realized how partying and spending my money on alcahol would result in me having no food for the week, so i would only party when i saved up. I still to this day feel absolutly horrible about how i treated my parents and i wouldnt wish it upon anyone. My mum was also pregnant when i was doing this, so as harsh as it sounds i was not her priority. I will be back to post more, bubs is hungry :-)
As i said before, i was not her priority and i understand that, and that was not the reason i went mad lol I dont really know why i was like that, but it embarasses me to this day, I learnt pretty fast what it was like in the real world, i cant give you any advice on living with another parent as i moved out with friends but i really think moving out young has made me a mature, respectable adult. I learnt responsibility and respect, i went to school and worked part time, always paid my rent, never went without food. I dont think i would be who i am without those harsh lessons, my mum had to let go, and let me be and learn the hard way because there is only so far you can push someone! I think you are doing a wonderful job, and have been very patient with her! There is a light! I have a good relationship with my mum now and i respect her. Im sorry im rambling i just want to get across that sometimes its good to learn the hard way. I have alot of admiration for you!
DSD has been living with her friend and her parents in Melbourne since June. She told everyone who would listen all about her "epiphany" and that she would turn over a new leaf at school. She has since failed every subject in Year 11 and the school will not let her continue into Year 12.
The agreement was that she could stay living there until the end of the school year. I'm sure if she'd done OK this school year her friends' parents would have been so chuffed that they would have let her stay there next year too. Instead, she has to move out.
I have stood my ground and said that she can't live with us. Having to deal with her and her unnecessary dramas means that I can't be a good mum to my own DDs. Every day with DSD I would spend up to several hours thinking about how to handle her latest catastrophe and just was not actually 'there' for DD1 in terms of concentrating on playing with her or whatever. That's not how I want to parent my own girls and I need to put them first. We have tried very hard to help her but I think I have reached the conclusion that you just can't help someone who won't help themselves.
She doesn't want to live with us anyway. She has been trying to find a shared house to live in (she has a part-time job) but has been unsuccessful. In the meantime, she's not showing the slightest sign that she can actually behave responsibly. DP has tried to get her here several times so that he can discuss her future with her. On three separate occasions she has either missed her train or just not bothered coming. She also got fined for not having a train ticket in Melbourne. Expected DP to pay the fine (WTF). Has no credit on her phone. Still makes up rubbish about spending Christmas in Spain. So she is obviously not responsible or mature enough to be able to live in a shared house and be responsible for feeding herself and paying her rent/bills.
So her options have now run out and we have bought her a one-way ticket back to the States to live with her mom. Any of you who have read my posts know the absolute disdain I have for her mother and I am not rapt about this, but DSD needs to learn the hard way that if you continually stuff up you may not like the consequences. We are meeting with her on Sunday and have to be honest enough that some of this sinks in (actions have consequences) but also leave the door open enough that she won't do a runner and not get on the plane.
Holy moly. You know you've done all you can... I'm sorry for all of you that this is how it's ended up but there is only so much you can do. Hopefully it will sink in eventually for her. And well done on persisting so long.
What a pity Fi...and it would be hard to have her back in your home after having some peace and quiet without her.
Where does Xmas in Spain come from???
Oh no Fi. I was so hoping for your family's sake that she would pull herself together. Sounds like she is one of the people that life just has to knock some sense into. Wishing you luck on getting her back to the states. My DD seems to have settled a bit (thank goodness) but am still waiting for the next outburst. This constant stress is not good for any one person or family to have to put up with. Huge hun
Lulu - YES, very difficult to have her back after having a taste of life without her dramas. As soon as DP booked her ticket to the States, it was like a cloud lifted over both of us and we're now getting on like a house on fire again. I think the stress of not knowing what to do when she had to move out of the friend's house was taking its toll on both of us without us actually realising.
I have no idea where her Xmas in SPain flight of fancy came from - DP mentioned it when he was talking about her Xmas plans a while back. I instantly said - you know that's BS right? And sure enough it was. If a kid doesn't have the money to put credit on their phone or buy a train ticket, don't know how on earth she thought she was going to make it to Spain. She lives in a different world.
And to put the icing on the cake as usual her mum has only been able to come up with a third of her airfare not half as per the court agreement we have. Loser.
just want to say and i hope that going to her mums knocks some sence into her. if not, then you know you have done everything possible, as previousl stated theres just no hope for some!
Ah dammit. Sorry to hear about what she's been (not) doing and the stress it's caused you and DP. How did you go with the talk with her yesterday? It sounds like she has a fair bit of growing up to do.
She's just spent the night here before she goes back to the US and TBH I'm upset and frustrated. I hadn't seen her for five or six months. I had made it a condition of her visiting that we had to go to counselling first to discuss what had happened. I said that she could visit here to see DP provided she gave us a little bit of notice so that I could arrange to be out of the house but if she wanted to be able to visit on the spur of the moment then we had to sort out a few things in counselling first.
DP didn't bother arranging counselling but has crapped on to me for all this time about how I'm being childish. I stood my ground because a) I thought we needed counselling and b) it suited me at that point with a new baby and being fairly exhausted NOT to have to deal with her so I wasn't going to arrange counselling myself.
So I'm quite frustrated with DP that all this stuff hasn't been addressed earlier.
We had a talk last night. I'm quite proud of the fact that I spoke very honestly about my feelings in a very non-confrontational way and basically said my main beef with her is that I don't like the way she treats people and that I'm not sure she is a good person. She didn't say anything that really changed my mind at this point but said that she has stopped lying in the last few months. She says she believes she is a good person and was a bit upset to hear that I have my doubts about that. So it was good that she at least seems to WANT to be a good person IYKWIM even though I remain unconvinced.
Anyway, we talked about a few other things and I've corrected some of her misconceptions. She blamed me for being thrown out of the house. Not true. I explained that I went into bat for her on many occasions when DP had a knee jerk reaction and persuaded him out of throwing her out.
Anyway, on the whole, I think we made a little headway. Not a lot but a little and at least we can be civil to each other.
The big plus is that I think I've worked out how to handle her a bit better. Just talk very honestly and matter of factly about my feelings and allow her to do the same. I think I may go to counselling though so I have some support on how to handle the situation (and DP's handling of it) going forward. Although she's going to the US, she says she plans to get a job there, save for an airfare and come back mid-year to start a TAFE course. Obviously I have my doubts about whether she'll get her act together enough to be able to do this (and let's be honest, her mum is normally so hopeless with money that she will probably try to charge her 90% of any wages in board) but let's wait and see.
Sounds like you did tell her how you felt honestly (although from an outsider's POV it did sound harsh to say you didn't think she was a good person - maybe it's more about how she's behaving/treating others than her very spirit?). Hopefully this gives her the motivation she needs to pull herself together.
Must be hard to have to be involved in parenting a child (because she sure still sounds like one) that you haven't had a hand in bringing up until this point.
Reply With QuoteFiona. Just popped into this late and wanted to wish you the best as you muddle through this situation. At least your eyeliner is safe in the meantime.
BellyBelly Member
I have no advice just a
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