How much does your 10-11 year old do for themselves?

**Tinks** · October 19th, 2013, 10:59 AM

Can they:

Turn the shower off and on without you
Shower themselves
Wash their own hair
Brush their own hair
Put their things away properly
Empty their school bag daily
Dress themselves without supervision
Remember where they put things

I'm sure when my older two were 11 they were doing all of these things. I would put DD's hair up every morning for school but she was able to brush it herself every day. My DD2 has problems with all but one of the things on the list. Just wondering whether your 10-11yo's can manage most or all of those things and what else they can or can't do for themselves.

**Beatrix** · October 19th, 2013, 11:04 AM

My 9 year old does all that apart from putting her hair up.. Well she can do that but it's not very neat.

**HotI** · October 19th, 2013, 11:15 AM

my 3.5 year old can do 6 of the things on the list. I would expect most kids to be doing them.

do you think she can't, or didn't want to

**nothing2lose** · October 19th, 2013, 11:39 AM

Yep, DD can do it all. Sometimes I give her hair a good brush to get out all the knots (she has very long, curly hair).

**Tinks** · October 19th, 2013, 11:47 AM

A bit of both HotI.

I think there's something going on with her.

**myturn** · October 19th, 2013, 12:08 PM

DSD is 11 and has been able to do those things for a long time. I think it would be a good idea to go to your GP and get a referral for a paediatrician and/or psychologist for assessment. It may be there are some strategies that can be advise that could help her learn these things best. You could also ask at school if they have any concerns. Has she been on school camp? Could she do them there? If so, then maybe its just a matter of behaviour management stuff?

is hard when you are not sure what is going on.

**trishalishous** · December 9th, 2013, 10:59 PM

my 3.5 year old can do 6 of the things on the list. I would expect most kids to be doing them.

do you think she can't, or didn't want to

same here.

***Efjay*** · December 15th, 2013, 09:10 PM

Posting partly to sub & also a little to share..

As most know I have 5 kids & of them 3 (boys) are Dx with Autism. My 11 yr old boy, the oldest struggles with the shower, teeth brushing, finding clothes etc. A big part of this I believe is his ASD. Anxiety also plays a big part. He Can turn on the showers but is scared he will burn himself with the hot water if he does it wrong. He also has a helplessness issue. I can't remember what exactly they call it, but basically he is in the mindset that he needs help with these everyday self care things. His ASD/Anxiety makes this hard to "teach" him otherwise.

Now, with my daughter who is 7, she also can not do most on that list & we do have concerns & plans for assessments with her. She is stubbon as all hell & while she loves her girly girl ways like having long pretty hair. She refuses to brush it, wash it, tie it up etc. It drives me insane. I can't quiet put my finger on what is going on with her. I believe it probably will be another ASD dx.
One of the things that stood out for me in your post (9th dec) Tinks, was the school bag. DD went though a stage of loosing her shoes. She would have them when she came from class at pick up, then between the pick up meeting point & walking to the car she "lost" them.. She would stare at me like I was an idiot & just claim she has no idea where they are.. This has happened in the shops, at netball, at school (several times). She had stuffed them down the drain once, put them in the bin, simply let them come off her feet (slip ons) as she walked (at the supermarket, and it was only 1 so she was walking around with 1 shoe till I noticed & the shoe was an isle & half back) all the while claiming it was "just gone". Im pretty cold hearted though & I refused to believe she lost them. I mean how they hell do you loose a pair of shoes? So I always made her go back & get them/find them.

I asked her day why she keeps doing it & turns out, the velcro on one of them that held the strap wasn't holding that well & kept coming undone. So rather then tell me it was coming undone she seemed to think if she lost them she would just get a new pair.
Is there any reason your DD might have an issue with her bag? 4 in a year is a lot & I do wonder if she is doing something with them because she has a problem with the bag. She may not understand what the issue is herself but like shoes, you don't just loose a school bag. What ever is going on for her, try not to get mad or angry at her as frustrating as it is, because she simple may just not get it & that is not her own doing. I do hope you can find someone who will take your concerns seriously.

I have umm'd & arrr'd about DD for some time now but my gut tells me come when she is about the same age as your DD, she will fall to pieces. My OT who I play netball with also, mentioned to me on the side (she knows of my concerns) that she was watching her at netball the night the family came & does agree that I should have her assessed. Our first step is pead, then psych to establish if these are learned / coping strategies (having 3 brothers on the spectrum is hard) or if this is another Dx waiting to be had (OT thinks this is likely) & then OT assessments.

Are there any other area's that you think are a little odd?

***Efjay*** · December 15th, 2013, 09:11 PM

Posting partly to sub & also a little to share..

As most know I have 5 kids & of them 3 (boys) are Dx with Autism. My 11 yr old boy, the oldest struggles with the shower, teeth brushing, finding clothes etc. A big part of this I believe is his ASD. Anxiety also plays a big part. He Can turn on the showers but is scared he will burn himself with the hot water if he does it wrong. He also has a helplessness issue. I can't remember what exactly they call it, but basically he is in the mindset that he needs help with these everyday self care things. His ASD/Anxiety makes this hard to "teach" him otherwise.

Now, with my daughter who is 7, she also can not do most on that list & we do have concerns & plans for assessments with her. She is stubbon as all hell & while she loves her girly girl ways like having long pretty hair. She refuses to brush it, wash it, tie it up etc. It drives me insane. I can't quiet put my finger on what is going on with her. I believe it probably will be another ASD dx.
One of the things that stood out for me in your post (9th dec) Tinks, was the school bag. DD went though a stage of loosing her shoes. She would have them when she came from class at pick up, then between the pick up meeting point & walking to the car she "lost" them.. She would stare at me like I was an idiot & just claim she has no idea where they are.. This has happened in the shops, at netball, at school (several times). She had stuffed them down the drain once, put them in the bin, simply let them come off her feet (slip ons) as she walked (at the supermarket, and it was only 1 so she was walking around with 1 shoe till I noticed & the shoe was an isle & half back) all the while claiming it was "just gone". Im pretty cold hearted though & I refused to believe she lost them. I mean how they hell do you loose a pair of shoes? So I always made her go back & get them/find them.

I asked her day why she keeps doing it & turns out, the velcro on one of them that held the strap wasn't holding that well & kept coming undone. So rather then tell me it was coming undone she seemed to think if she lost them she would just get a new pair.
Is there any reason your DD might have an issue with her bag? 4 in a year is a lot & I do wonder if she is doing something with them because she has a problem with the bag. She may not understand what the issue is herself but like shoes, you don't just loose a school bag. What ever is going on for her, try not to get mad or angry at her as frustrating as it is, because she simple may just not get it & that is not her own doing. I do hope you can find someone who will take your concerns seriously.

I have umm'd & arrr'd about DD for some time now but my gut tells me come when she is about the same age as your DD, she will fall to pieces. My OT who I play netball with also, mentioned to me on the side (she knows of my concerns) that she was watching her at netball the night the family came & does agree that I should have her assessed. Our first step is pead, then psych to establish if these are learned / coping strategies (having 3 brothers on the spectrum is hard) or if this is another Dx waiting to be had (OT thinks this is likely) & then OT assessments.

Are there any other area's that you think are a little odd?

**Nai** · October 19th, 2013, 02:11 PM

Dd1 (nearly 8) can do many of these and the rest when reminded or slightly assisted. I was doing all of those things by myself at 11.

Could she do them previously and has since stopped or has she been resisting doing them completely?

I think it would be a good idea to look into the reasons why though. It may just be her personality or level of developmental maturity or that she is the youngest and wants to stay that way. However there could be other things at play and you may need to use different strategies with her. What does your gut say?

**nickle730** · October 19th, 2013, 04:57 PM

My DD1 will be 11 next April. She can do all the things on the list except she does need a hand with her hair as it is very fine, very thick and down to her butt! She can tie it up before a shower if she's not washing it, but I usually do her hair on on school mornings and usually check that she has washed all the conditioner out before she gets out of the shower when she does wash it.

DD1 can also cook a meal on her own (with assistance to take heavy dishes out of the oven), bake a cake, mix up horse feeds, bath the dogs...

As others have mentioned, I think you need to figure out whether your DD can't do the things on the list or whether she won't do the things on the list. I think I read that she is your youngest and I wonder if that is a factor? Still expecting to be babied? My DD1 is my eldest child and sometimes I think we expect a lot of her! Maybe give it a week of encouraging to do those things for herself and if it appears that she is simply not capable, maybe it's time to have a chat with a paediatrician.

**nickle730** · October 19th, 2013, 04:58 PM

Oh, you know what my almost 11 year old can't do? Her bloody homework!!! Unless I stand over her shoulder and force her to... Grrr...

**Tinks** · October 19th, 2013, 05:17 PM

I have always thought that it was because she's the youngest but she just doesn't seem to have the same level of maturity as the other girls in her grade. I have asked her teacher if she is concerned, she basically said she's different but doesn't know whether she needs testing because she is perfectly fine academically. A few weeks ago, I spoke to a dr and asked to be referred to a psych, she chuckled at me and told me to make an appt with one then go back to her and she'll write the referral. When I asked who to make an appt with, she said there's one in <town name>, so I've never been back. There is one dr I could see but I can't get an appointment for 6 weeks.

I have tried and tried to teach her how to use the taps in the shower but she just doesn't get it. She will take her clothes off and just leave them wherever she drops them, then forget where she left them. She has lost several school jumpers doing this, I haven't seen her lunchbox for months, again, she's forgotten where she left it. A few weeks ago, I bought her new clothes, half of them are now 'missing'. I have no idea where they could even be. We did find one top in the car.

Maybe it's laziness? Then I thought, maybe it's just bad parenting on my part? But my other 2 kids were perfectly able to do all of these things and look after their belongings. So I really just don't know.

**AnyDream** · October 19th, 2013, 06:10 PM

Post deleted out of consideration for person involved.

**AnyDream** · October 19th, 2013, 06:18 PM

Tinks I have just added some more to my post above.

**xXHopeXx** · October 19th, 2013, 06:37 PM

Though it's not my child, my nephew sounds very similar to your dd. he has been diagnosed with ADD and is medicated. The medication helps alot, but omly when it's working and it doesn't help with thr maturity itms. I have another nephew on the other hand who is MUCH more mature and is 1.5yrs younger, to the point where his maturity has well overtaken the first nephew and he is just alot "older" itms?
I think it's worth looking into something

**dinky** · October 21st, 2013, 11:13 AM

My middle DD was like this....seriously it did my head in! I felt like the constant nagging mother, forever on her back about something, but if I wasn't telling her to do something then I knew it wouldn't be done. As for losing stuff, well, that was a constant battle. DD#1 was super responsible and never lost anything, #2 well, it was a constant checking of the school bag when picking her up, making her go back to the classroom or the playground and find the lost item and I didn't let it drop, I kept on about it, she eventually got the message. DD#2 did have a lot of assessments done when she was around 10, and a lot of counselling due to other issues, but they found that there was nothing wrong, she was just very absent minded, and that I had to give her information in short bursts, rather than a list of things, because she couldn't cope with lists, she would only remember the top couple. The counselling sessions helped me too, and it is amazing how much of it I am using now with #3.
#3 is such a handful, but she certainly knows how to push everyones buttons, and play the baby of the family. I am trying to get her to take more responsibility for her belongings and so far, so good, but she is also getting more chores, which is making her feel more grown up and like she is an active member of the family.

**Lenny** · October 21st, 2013, 12:15 PM

I was reading the other day about pre teen girls and marshmallow brain phase.
I know it's just one persons view, but there seemed to be a lot of people agreeing.

You know her best. I'm sure you know whether it's just her personality (some kids are fiercely independent, some not so much), or whether things just aren't quite right. Can you pinpoint when things started to get frustrating for you, or has it just been a really slow progression with lack of development? Is she bothered by not being able to do as much as her peers or does she just seem content muddling through.

I hope you can get some sort of help with this for you both.