I am the meanest Mum ever!!!

[toomanyshoes]

I thought I was over the tantrum throwing stage!

I had to laugh at that because I totally agree! I swear the tantrums are harder to deal with now they are older!

[Tinks]

I don't think the tantrums ever end!

We had one this morning because DS didn't like the way DD dressed for school

[Catastrophic]

:-D Glad i made you laugh! I get more stomping, screaming, door slamming from 7-8yo then i do from the 2-4 yo!

Oh boy Tinks, how did that one pan out?

[berrme]

Now, I'm going to need help with the NO DS for 2weeks! I always give in half way through, he starts behaving, and looks at me with those sweet eyes! But this time, enoughs enough! send me your support, and tell me i'm not mean :-(

I understand why 'I hate you' bothers you, but why does it bother you if you get called mean? To him, taking away the DS is mean, that is why you did it... you know it is something that will bother him. He says mean things to you in response because he knows it bothers you. You just have to be the meaner/ stronger one. You know that these punishments are for the good of everyone in the house in the long run, there is a purpose for being mean. Don't give the DS back, don't show him that you are upset by his words. This time you have to follow through. I am with Tinks... no emotional discussions until his 2 weeks is up.

I don't have big kids of my own yet, but I teach highschool so know about bad tween/ teen behaviour. I find that discussing with kids what they feel is a suitable consequence for their behaviours is a good way to stop the arguments. If they do __________, then such and such happens. If they do it again then something a bit tougher happens etc. If they have had a role in deciding the consequences then they really have no comebacks. And it isn't always about how serious the consequence is, just the certainty that it will happen.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I don't believe in punishments, actually. Not the ones you set up.
Ya know, I read somewhere once, and it really struck a chord (my DS is reeeeeeeeally challenging lately, with living at MiL's and her arbitrary rules and toing and froing between the farm and her place, to settling into here and starting kinder), that when you think the child least deserves a hug is probably when it is most needed.
Setting up an oppositional relationship will backfire at some stage. It doesn't mean you're 'soft', as in 'weak', it just means you are 'soft', as in, compassionate. I decided a little while ago that I'd prefer to be DS's soft place to land. I don't bother with withdrawal of toys, privileges etc, because I remember those feeling as good as a slap in the head, when I was little, and I clearly remember them doing nothing to instil any sort of respect, let alone a 'lesson'.
Alfie Kohn (you can google his articles) goes through the con of rewards and punishments really well - well worth a read, and bases a lot of his work on Parent Effectiveness Training.
You're not on the wrong track to have your heart tweaked by compassion - if you feel bad about it, then your instincts are telling you something

[berrme]

I don't believe in punishments, actually. Not the ones you set up.
Ya know, I read somewhere once, and it really struck a chord that when you think the child least deserves a hug is probably when it is most needed.
Setting up an oppositional relationship will backfire at some stage. It doesn't mean you're 'soft', as in 'weak', it just means you are 'soft', as in, compassionate. I decided a little while ago that I'd prefer to be DS's soft place to land. I don't bother with withdrawal of toys, privileges etc, because I remember those feeling as good as a slap in the head, when I was little, and I clearly remember them doing nothing to instil any sort of respect, let alone a 'lesson'.

I agree with this, hence getting them to decide on consequences rather than punishments. It doesn't have to be something horrible or long lasting, maybe that they have to sit down quietly until they are ready to talk nicely. Maybe they think it would be fair to have to do the washing up an extra time this week. For some kids you might decide that running around the house 3 times is good as it clears their head. There doesn't need to be yelling, just a reminder of the previous discussion and what was decided then. All you want is for them to stop the behaviour and think twice about it next time.The important thing is that they are involved in a discussion about what is and isn't appropriate first and they understand when they are out of line.

In this case however, I think the consequence has been handed down and needs to be followed through on. Next time can be dealt with completely differently. It is quite possible that we are talking about a very strong minded 8 year old boy who will never respond well to threatening situations where he is yelled at and punished. He may respond very well to be spoken to like he is a bit grown up and knowing what he should do instead of the yelling and insults.

[Catastrophic]

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