I am the meanest Mum ever!!!

[Smoke Jaguar]

I don't believe in punishments, actually. Not the ones you set up.
Ya know, I read somewhere once, and it really struck a chord (my DS is reeeeeeeeally challenging lately, with living at MiL's and her arbitrary rules and toing and froing between the farm and her place, to settling into here and starting kinder), that when you think the child least deserves a hug is probably when it is most needed.
Setting up an oppositional relationship will backfire at some stage. It doesn't mean you're 'soft', as in 'weak', it just means you are 'soft', as in, compassionate. I decided a little while ago that I'd prefer to be DS's soft place to land. I don't bother with withdrawal of toys, privileges etc, because I remember those feeling as good as a slap in the head, when I was little, and I clearly remember them doing nothing to instil any sort of respect, let alone a 'lesson'.
Alfie Kohn (you can google his articles) goes through the con of rewards and punishments really well - well worth a read, and bases a lot of his work on Parent Effectiveness Training.
You're not on the wrong track to have your heart tweaked by compassion - if you feel bad about it, then your instincts are telling you something

[berrme]

I don't believe in punishments, actually. Not the ones you set up.
Ya know, I read somewhere once, and it really struck a chord that when you think the child least deserves a hug is probably when it is most needed.
Setting up an oppositional relationship will backfire at some stage. It doesn't mean you're 'soft', as in 'weak', it just means you are 'soft', as in, compassionate. I decided a little while ago that I'd prefer to be DS's soft place to land. I don't bother with withdrawal of toys, privileges etc, because I remember those feeling as good as a slap in the head, when I was little, and I clearly remember them doing nothing to instil any sort of respect, let alone a 'lesson'.

I agree with this, hence getting them to decide on consequences rather than punishments. It doesn't have to be something horrible or long lasting, maybe that they have to sit down quietly until they are ready to talk nicely. Maybe they think it would be fair to have to do the washing up an extra time this week. For some kids you might decide that running around the house 3 times is good as it clears their head. There doesn't need to be yelling, just a reminder of the previous discussion and what was decided then. All you want is for them to stop the behaviour and think twice about it next time.The important thing is that they are involved in a discussion about what is and isn't appropriate first and they understand when they are out of line.

In this case however, I think the consequence has been handed down and needs to be followed through on. Next time can be dealt with completely differently. It is quite possible that we are talking about a very strong minded 8 year old boy who will never respond well to threatening situations where he is yelled at and punished. He may respond very well to be spoken to like he is a bit grown up and knowing what he should do instead of the yelling and insults.

[Catastrophic]

.... ...

[berrme]

Berrme - Thanks for your post xoxox I talked to him last night, about his behaviour and why he got his DS taken off him, but this morning I got the same behaviour, hence why i am following through with this consequence.
I am a little insulted with what you are saying "spoken to like a grown up and knowing what he should do instead of the yelling and insults" I don't yell and insult my kids :-( I do talk to them, and discuss what it is i expect off them. Maybe I am reading this the wrong way, and I'm sorry if i did. A little emotional xoxox

MummeNurse, I meant that he knows what he should do rather than yell at and insult you, not that you yell at and insult him. I didn't mean to criticise you. I just know how easy it is to still just give instructions even when we talk to them calmly, rather than involving them in the decision making process.