need help with my 13 yr old niece

[misty]

All I can think is that I completely agree with your neice's stance on this issue. She should not have to have anything to do with that man - regardless of how her mother may feel about him. And from her perspective, it must feel in some ways like her mother is choosing him over her own kids, just in the fact that she is choosing to continue the relationship. All the bad messages that she is learning from her mother (regardless of the mothers intent) - that the step father is more important then the children, that it is ok for a man to beat up his wife, that it is something that can be forgiven. It is tough enough being a teenager and learning to deal with the world and going through all the usual issues regarding self worth and self confidence, without having to deal with this too. It is heartbreaking.

As much as you love your sister, I think your neice needs to know that their is someone who will ALWAYS take her side, unconditionally. I don't think she is getting this from her mother, and your attempts to pacify everyone just reinforce the idea that it is OK to ignore what happened and pretend things are different then they are.



I know you are put in a really tough decision here, but I think you need to talk to your neice and make a decision that she will come first - even before your sister - and ask her what she wants and expects from you and then make sure you follow through. Your sister is an adult. Your neice is a child. As sad as your sisters situation is, she is making the choice to be in that situation. Your neice has very little choice in the matter. And IMO, a childs needs ALWAYS take preference and priority over that of an adults.

I understand not wanting to alienate your sister, but your acceptance of her husband, when your neice clearly does not accept him in this situation, is sending the message that his behaviour was OK and forgivable. It is not like we are talking that your neice simply doesn't like the guy, He beat up her mother!

I hope I haven't been to harsh, I am not trying to critise you at all, I just don't think the approach you have taken is what this girl needs.

[LittleOnes]

Hi misty, not harsh. I told the kids that if they didn't want him there then he wouldn't be there, simple as that. As soon as she indicated that she didn't want him there, I said that's fine, he won't be invited. So he has never even been told that it was a possibility that he'd be invited.

I agree with you that she should not have to see him and as it is now, she never does see him. He is not allowed at their house and they do not live together. My sister spends one night a week with him and works with him two days, other than that she doesn't see him so I don't think that it would be accurate to say that she has chosen him over her children (though I can see how her children may read that into things). By not living with him she now has to work 2 jobs while she is studying full time at uni in order to make ends meet. I agree that my sis is doing the wrong thing, however, I think she is doing it a lot better than she could be. She could have insisted they continue to live with him. She hasn't, at great expense. She could have refused to press charges. She didn't. She could insist that the kids continue to see him, she doesn't. This doesn't mean I like or agree with her decision to be with him. I want to find a way to support my neice. She's been through a trauma that she needs help with and until very recently, I was not aware of how deeply she continues to hurt. She has not shown this to me to date, and with a new baby, I've been quite distracted. They live almost an hour from me so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like to but in the past I've had a lot to do with them and have supported them through some pretty tough times.

I've seen my brother in law twice since he beat up my sister a little over 13 months ago. I've made it very clear to him that I do not approve of what he has done and I'm very unhappy with him for doing it. I have spoken with him about this as well as emailed him. He is under no misconceptions about how I feel. However, I learnt a long time ago that for my own sanity, I must forgive people as it only hurts me if I don't, it eats me up and I end up feeling bitter and victimised and that is far worse than anything anyone else can do to me. This is something that I'd like to eventually teach my niece and certainly teach my own children. BUT, having said that I forgive does not mean that I trust him not to do it again (though I'm pretty sure he won't) nor does it mean that I'm all buddy pals with him, I still prefer not to see him. It simply means I forgive. I move on with my life and refuse to let him or his actions consume me. This is, of course, much simpler for me since I don't have to be involved in the situation on a daily basis like my niece does.

My post isn't about 'how can I make my niece forgive him and be a big happy family'. It's about "my niece has been hurt, how do I approach her to help her". When I asked them about christmas, I was not aware of how deeply she still hurt, if I was, I would not have asked.

Last night I emailed her and asked her if she felt like hanging out during the holidays. She's besotted with my DD3 (loves babies) and I put it to her that I thought she looked like she needed a change of scene. I also offered her the opportunity to stay the night here at any time if she felt like she had to get away from everything, and said that I'd pick her up any time. She emailed back thanking me and I though she didn't want anything further but have since had a couple of positive little notes from her. I've also offered to take herself and her siblings out for a fun activity during the school holidays as I know her mum can't afford it. I think the best way for me to help her out is to show her that I have a genuine interest in her happiness and that I'm not wanting to talk her into being best buds with her sod of a step-father as I have had no intentions of doing that.

I would love to hear any suggestions that you may have based on the above and also on your previous post. I don't want my niece to think that I have taken her mother's side on this issue and I certainly don't want her to think that I've taken his. I'm new to this whole type of mess as previously I lived interstate when this crap happened to my sis.

Thanks for your comments, I do agree with pretty much everything you've said. If you have some ideas on what I can try I'd appreciate that as well.

ps. I think everything can be forgiven. I have forgiven my ex several years of cheating on me while I looked after our children oblivously. Doesn't mean I stayed with him to allow him to continue to do it to me but I did have to forgive him to be able to move on and find happiness. Without forgiving people who do us wrong, we just keep reliving the wrongs and being bitter and angry victims and we don't move forward, we are stunted in our emotional growth. Forgiving someone does not mean that we think that what they did was right, ok or acceptable. It just means forgiving.