50/50 share care?

[~clover~]

I have a few friends who do it. They are all older now though.
One of my friends & her ex went 50/50, week on, week off. They attend school 25 minutes from here, so she has to drive them 10 minutes to the bus when its her week. They were about 3 & 8 when they started. The youngest was 4 when I met them, so not sure if it started earlier than that or not, but her DS was BF til 3.5, so I assume he was with her mostly.
The other friends DS is 9 & is at the age where he chooses where he wants to be. Mum & dad live a block away from each other & get along ok. He'll be at his dad's for the week, then decide to go to mum's for the night & vice versa
I do agree that age is a big thing to think about.

[~Stoked~]

I'll go into more detail now!

My ex-BIL insisted on having 50/50 care even though he was a shift worker and it was very hard to 'set' regular days for the children to stay with him. The kids expressed over and over that they were not comfortable going to stay with him half of the time as they felt very unsettled and it was hard for them to get into any routine.

Ex-BIL gets what he wants.. he is that type of person. He told my sister that there was no way he was going to be paying child support to her (which is why he requested 50/50 care). After about four years of these poor kids HAVING to go to their dad's even though they didn't want to (court order) two of them are now suicidal (16 yo and 12 yo) and the other one is the only one who goes to her dad's now as she feels guilty towards her father because the other two don't go. The other two have had letters written to the court from Dr's insisting they stay with their mother until they are well enough to return.

Obviously, this case will be different to yours (and everyone else's) but it was very hard for my sister to witness how unsettled and unhappy they all were but there was nothing she could do about it as there was a court order. She had already fought him in court (and lost) spending $15,000 because she knew how important it was for them to spend more time with her than him.
If you are keen on doing 50/50 i guess you'd have to give it a trial run and see how the children cope. It may work it your case... i just wanted to give you my sister's/neices/nephews experience. Be careful if you have a court order as things can go sour and it's costly to return to court.

I wish you and your family all the very best and hope you can work something out to keep everyone happy.
Good luck x

[ubba82]

My parents split when I was 9, my brother was 5 and my sister was 4. They decided to do 50/50 care 3 days with dad 4 days with mum and alternated Friday or Saturday nights. It worked well for my brother and I but my sister didn't cope so she spent more time with mum.
Mum and dad split on good terms, they remained friends so I think that's why it worked. There was never any courts involved cause it just wasn't needed.
The other reason it worked also was because we didn't have after school activities so it didn't need to be worked around.
Hope you can work something out

[C~Q]

Thanks guys. We are amicable, we have to be...if there weren't kids around I doubt we would ever speak to each other again. I don't like him and I doubt he likes me but we've never argued in front of the kids, never bag each other out and agree in things like discipline etc...

On ething though, if you do 50/50 does that mean no Child Support? I would have thought it meant half?

[Lulu]

Nope. Who pays who then?

I think it is the kind of thing that can work if no one is forced to do it lol.

[Tinks]

A couple of friends do 50/50 care and it works really well. The do live close to their ex partners though.

On ething though, if you do 50/50 does that mean no Child Support? I would have thought it meant half?

Yes it means no child support, and you'll also get less from Centrelink.

[C~Q]

Ahh cool, yep we'll be close by each other.

[Persephone1]

I'm not certain that it means no child support. The calculations are still done and if one partner earns more then they may still have to pay some CS. I think you need to ask CSA.

[Elocin]

We still pay child support even though we have a 50/50 agreement...

With our situation we pay a ridiculous amount because DH is on contact with the govt (which means atm, he's on a good wage) and the fact that the ex has been on maternity leave for the last 3 years means that our rate goes through the roof.

Call the CSA Hun, they'll help you out.

[C~Q]

Thats good to know, XH is on a good wage so hopefully I should get something then x

[Amity]

Check out what your entitlements would be on the CSA website. Also remember your FTBA will go down a very large amount. I'd expect your CS would also significantly decrease.

[C~Q]

I don't know how much XH earns...I know roughly but he won't tell me the amount (fair enough) but if i call CSA tomorrow theyshould be able to give mean estimate right?

[Sopdet]

CQ - you know how much I love you but can you please sit down and think this through rationally, what it do to you and the kids if this is the person you're thinking of moving closer to be with. You've already been stressing about your xh taking DS for more time. What is putting them through this going to do to your relationship with them, your relationship with your dp, your relationship with your xh. What about when dp gets worse? Something like this is soul destroying, are you all strong enough to go through with this?

babe, I'm on the end of the phone if you need to talk.

[C~Q]

Trust me i've done nothing but...I'm weighing up a lot of options and this is one. It's not the same as DS living with XH full time at all, it's just 3 extra nights per fortnight for all of them, together.

If it's something that does happen then it'll be in about 4 months and after I have talked it through with the kids and with Xh and through someone else. I dont want a mediator, would rather a child counciler and if I thought it was damaging the kids in anyway then I won't do it.

Other options include moving permanently to the SC which is not beneficial for anyone I don't think.

I don't know about DP getting worse...of course i've thought about it, I think about it all the time

Thanks hun, I know you're concerned but you know me, so trust me that this is something I will consider for a long time before commiting to anything. And if it goes to ****, whether it's because of me, the kids, DP or XH then no ones moved, nothing has changed, we just go back to the way things were.

[Amity]

Honey it's not that easy to go back once you've been to shared care. If he kicks up a stink then you can't just change- you'd have to go to Court and you may well lose.

Please think this through. Your kids are only little for such a short time. You are the centre of their universe. How will it affect them to be away from you for half the time? How will this affect their security? And how will they feel, knowing that their Mum pushed for shared care because she wanted to be with her dp who is unwell? Please think.

[tattoo_mama]

I think that's a bit harsh. Kids have just as much right to see thier dad as they do thier mum, and if CQ wants more time to herself that's fair enough. DD spent half the time at her dads til recently and she is fine. We will be doing it again when he gets back. And we did everything verbally agreed no court or anything. If you think he is responsible enough and it will stay amicable I see no reason not to xx

[C~Q]

If it upsets them then I won't do it, honestly and i'm not just saying that, of course they come first. I'll ask them if they want to spend one and a half extra days with Daddy and i'm pretty sure they'll say yes. Because thats all it is, one extra night one week and two the next.

Thanks TM x

[Lulu]

Hun, I'm probably sure they will say yes too......but they might not be ready for the reality of it, the upheaval etc, and by then you might end up in more trouble. It may well suit exh not to pay as much cs, are you sure HE will be ok with changing everthing all over again?
Are you sure it's possible if it doesn't work or they don't cope?

From a practical perspective how will YOU cope? You already have a big debt to repay, ALL your Clink and CS payments will drop dramatically and you will be living in 2 places. How will you make ends meet? How much extra will the fuel/kilometers be alone?

Don't you think you might run yourself absolutely ragged with all that driving?

I know you luurve this bloke but what concessions can he make? Wouldn't it be simpler for you to see him 2nd weekends at his place, and he come to see you the other times?

I just think it's too risky to consider. This may or may not work, you have 2 Family Law experts with solid advice it's not too good. You know I'm all for kids having access to both parents and I give as much access to xp as I possibly can....but this isn't going to work much longer. Both mine are having issues with the to and fro, especially now they are older. We have to find another way, it was ok when they were smaller.