Advice to help a Temp Single Mom *long*

[Nadine216]

Lee

I think I am going to offer a playdate for next Saturday (this weekend I'm smashing kitchen floor tiles, so not babysafe in my house) I'll have a chat with DH. He is working in the shop next Satur ... cr@p it's her dd's birthday party next Saturday *idiot* almost forgot!! I'll offer to help with that. I think that is also adding to her frustration .. he is going to miss his daughter's first birthday party

I have tried to convince her to put her dd in daycare for the whole day every other day she's not with her IL's, but she still goes and get her after school. I'm just out of ideas

I'm wishing her DH back as I type here. I just wish that they get someone willing to MOVE out country and live there (it's in Zambia!!) and get that person ASAP.

[paradise lost]

Just the fact that you care will make a difference to her Nads, i really appreciate all my friends who call and say "just wanted to make sure you're ok" even when i'm totally fine. Talking to her is probably the best thing you can do at this stage - you could try the following leads:

"You seem like you're really struggling being on your own. Want to talk about it, maybe if we brainstorm we can think of ways to make it easier?"

"What are you doing tomorrow? I have to...*then list your planned tasks" - letting her see how YOU stay organised willhelp her to get herself organised, kwim?*

"When DD was that age she often *insert biting or whatever most recently made her shout* but then i did some reading online/talked to mum/whatever and i realised it was so normal and she can't help it - i sure don't miss the shouting!" - a bit of in-your-shoes compassion can really make people feel not only understtod but that there is true hope for change. Pretty much every mother i know struggles with their temper at some time - it's the most trying job on earth - so hearing how others felt and resolved the feelings can make a huge difference. The hardest things about getting new coping skills is having to say "i'm not coping" to begin with.

You might also try making comments that build her confidence, like "Wow, even though at times it must be really hard, you're making it work with DH having to be away really well!". I am the sort of person who is not afraid. Of anything. So i can only imagine the agony of being in what is effectively my situation (except that i have the help of my wonderful DP AND a lot from XP, but even at the start say, when neither were around as much) and on top having to learn a bunch of new skills and deal with unfamiliar situations. Rationally she should realise that in a situation where the security fails her DH would have made no difference - it's what i think when i'm scared at night. That or "thank god i only have ONE loved one in the house to protect!" LOL. SHe needs to find her inner lioness and realise that all the things she is scared of or can't do are just stuff she's not had the opportunity to face/learn yet. I can actually remember moving out of home and being afraid of having to pay bills etc. and now i don't even think about it!

Hopefully the situation will resolve in the immediate sense soon, but really, there's no point in her living her whole life like this on the grounds that there will be someone else there. She needs to learn to feel confident in her abilities and know she CAN do it. Sometimes you have to cope alone, it's a fact of life.

Bx

[Nadine216]

Thanks for the suggestions, Bec. I'll probably check in on her tomorrow for tea, so I'll chat to her then. I know what you mean by sometimes everyone loses their temper. I am no angel and has lost my temper also, so I'll try that in-your-shoe compassion. And try boosting her confidance too, THAT sounds like a great idea ... focus on what's good and not what's bad.

Rationally she should realise that in a situation where the security fails her DH would have made no difference

That is exactly what DH said I'll try and convey that to her in a more ... delicate manner than DH said it to me. She told us on Monday that she don't even know where the safe's key is and even if she did, she don't know how to use the weapon Now THAT, imo, is her DH's fault. He's suppose to make sure she can handle some kind of self-defence weapon, just in case

I think what bothers me is that she comes off as a strong, resilliant woman ... and seeing her falling apart is just, well, shocking. She is a self-confessed drama-queen, so my evil-me is thinking that she might just be doing this whole "I'm not coping well" thing, just for the attention. BAD Nads *slaps wrist*

[~clover~]

Hi.

First of all....24? Too young?? hmf! LOL!! I wish sometimes that I was one of those 24 year olds. Only sometimes.

Does she have any other friends??
I've had my fair share of single parenting. DH has gone away for work alot. Usually I am more relaxed when he's not here. More because I can do what I want with the kids with out having to worry about him & what he might need the car for etc. And I get better sleep when I've got the bed & blankets to myself!
If it is longer than the expected time it starts to get a bit much. I do have 3 kids though. When I was pg with DD2 he was away for a month & my main problem was lonliness. & boredom.
These days it's lonliness & noone here every night to give me a break. But then I don't have anyone to take my kids over night close by either.
Does she go to play group? Does she do anything on the nights her IL's have her DD? Maybe she needs something to do to take up some time & get her mind off things. Maybe the two of you could take your kids & go for coffee every few days. Just so she gets out of the house. I know coffee with kids that age isn't the easiest thing, but it might be good. Or just to the park.

You are a really good friend. She's lucky to have you. Ask her about it. Ask if she thinks she's coping. Maybe she just needs to talk to someone.

[Nadine216]

I know what you mean ... I sometimes wish I was one of those 24 's also!!

She has a lot of other friends ... with kids and husbands. I also think that maybe she's bored. She has told us that she NEVER brings schoolwork home for her, she always finish her next day's planning at school. So other than cooking (that without a husband is something that gets neglected) and looking after dd, she really does not have much to do. And she really does not have a demanding dd. I can remeber how jelous I was, when we came to visit and she told us that she had time to make mustard/rusks/tart/pie while her dd was playing on the kitchen floor

Her dd does go to playgroup twice a week, but like I said, she always picks her up straight after school. And her dd has not had a sleepover at the IL's ... don't think she would be comfy with that.
I would love taking her for coffee, but our workhours are clashing. She works schoolhours (7:30 - 14:00) and I work half-day (12:00 - 17:00), so afternoon tea is a no-no. I have thought about organizing a little park-time somewhere over a weekend, but this darn winter weather is KILLING me!! Excuses, Excuses, Excuses *hangs head in shame*

I'll am just going to try and be there for her ... to chat and to lean on. Just to be there. There is not much I can do for the dd, but like Bec said, by helping the mommy, I'll help the dd.

Thanks Skye!

[AnyDream]

Nadine, sounds like she's out there in not-coping-land. As a temp single mummy I understand all too well the aggravation that an absent partner causes (which I believe is quite different from just flying solo all the time). For starters, the uncertainty of her DH's return date is the sort of thing that can quite literally send you around the twist. Especially if she resents him going in the first place (it sounds as if the whole trip is an exercise in disempowerment for her. It's hard to understand how deeply that can affect you unless you've been there yourself). Add to that the stresses of managing the relationship with the absent DH and you've got multiple layers of stress on top of the rigours of suddenly finding herself a single parent.

As to her fears at night, that sounds to me like she is having problems managing not only her stress but her anxiety levels as well. A feature of anxiety disorders is overreaction to threats that don't exist. I suspect she's wearing her "No I'm fine everything is ok" mask at work (where it would be especially difficult to admit to the problems she is having). I love your suggestion of just popping in and hanging out and being supportive, she probably needs this more than anything else. If the topic of her stress/anxiety/feeling overwhelmed comes up, maybe encourage her to get some counselling, so that she can find some strategies herself.

I think you're lovely for looking out for her like that. The world needs more of this!

[Nadine216]

Thanks, hun We were over there on Sunday afternoon and she seems SOOOO much better. Her dd had two long sleeps on Saturday and again on Sunday, so she had lots and lots of rest. And I was right about her being bored.

DH spoke to her husband last night. He is getting tired of hearing everything is going wrong over here. Which is understandable .. he can do buggeroll to help her from where he is, so what is the point of her telling him that the lawn has to be mowed?? Her complaining to him is making him aggitated, which in turn is putting strain on their relationship. *sigh* It must be sooo very tough.
So in jumps my wonderfull DH (awww) he has offerd to get someone to do the lawn and tidy up around the yard, he is calling someone to come and check out the leaks in the garage and the mould-spot in her dd's room, and he is getting someone to come and get rid of the stray cats that has made her garage their playground and toilet. They have a new home, it was build last year and this was it's first real rainy-season, so there are lots and lots of little problems that keeps poping up. She is worried about that, so DH is going to sort it out. I told my DH by the sound of their conversation that is seems like she just want someone taking command.

We'll be keeping a closer eye on her. And we will probably have her over this weekend ... what do they say ... never say never