Bombshell

[claude]

Two days ago my husband told me he is not in love with me anymore. He swears there is no-one else involved (although I don't know what to believe) and is in no rush to go anywhere but he can't see himself with me anymore. We have a 22 month old daughter who we both love. He says he's been unhappy for a while and can't hide it anymore and believes our marriage is over. I'm totally devastated. I'm trying to hold it together for our daughter. I have no family in Perth, they are overseas and now I'm faced with being a single parent in a place with no support and I can't move home due to work commitments and I wouldn't take my daughter away from her father anyway. He still wants to be there for her.

How do I even beginning to deal with this? I just feel numb and have no idea what to do next.

[Footsteps]

iv got no advice just huge hugs huni. welcome to bb and i look forward to getting to know you xox

[Mrs McAwesome]

Oh I just want to give you a huge hug. I really have no advice, but i'm sure there will be some lovely ladies on here throughout the day that will give you some wonderful advice and support.

[Cricket]

Big hugs to you, honey. What a terrible blow out of the blue for you. Any chance he'd consider marriage counselling? I've heard of others who have salvaged their relationships that way, and with a little daughter, I think it would be good to give it a good chance. All the best, regardless of how it works out. You'll find lots of support here on BB.

[Fleur]

Big hugs hun I have been where you are and it's not a nice place to be.

You can only take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other and you will suprise yourself with how strong you can be
It gets better but it takes time. Be kind to yourself, focus on your daughter and on doing what you need to for you both.

Contact Centrelink and advise them of your change in circumstances. They will also be able to direct you to community services & supports if you need them.

I am sorry that this is what brings you to BB , it's a great place to come & talk & get support & have a chat. Wishing you all the best

[beckoes]

wow, hugs, no advice ....sorry!! but welcome to BB a look forward to 'chatting' to you on here. I think crickets idea is great, see if you can see someone, even if it just helps you to deal with a divorce better its worth a shot! Hugs to you and you baby DD!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I am going to sound like a fairly harsh person now. I do not mean to upset or offend. But I am going to give an honest opinion - if it is too mean, say so and I'll remove it.

He's "not in love". I just don't fathom that. Basically, he thinks a perceived lack of one of the more flighty emotions is a reason to leave his wife and child. Breaking all those promises made on his wedding day. Grow up!

It will be hard work from here, but isn't that what marriage is about: that you've found someone worth a bit of hard work? It should be easy to "fall in love" all over again, if you want to do that. Marriage counselling is a good idea, but so is a bit of time. I bet you haven't had much of that and it's annoying your DH. Maybe he thinks you're too much of a "mum" and less "wife"? I have little sympathy for him. (But I do have for you, Claude, even if it doesn't show here.) If you can get in someone to babysit for an evening so you can have a meal, go to the pictures, do something grown-up together that may encourage him to grow up and realise what he has. A wonderful woman he adores, even though circumstances have changed.

Of course, this is assuming you want to put this work in too. I'd be a bit too annoyed if DH were to do anything so stupid to want to put in the hard yards... but it would probably be done and benefit both of us in the long-term. I am very cross at your husband: I have very little truck with "in love" and that associated nonsense. You can decide to love, if that's what you want to do. It isn't as exciting. But life can't be all excitement.

(FWIW, I didn't fall in love with my husband, nor my son. I have great and loving relationships with both. Falling in love, IMO, is an optional extra and not the be all and end all. That's just my opinion though, and you're welcome to disregard it.)

[Stevie]

No advice here hun, just big i dont really know what to say..
youve come to a great place for help and support xxx

[Fleur]

(FWIW, I didn't fall in love with my husband, nor my son. I have great and loving relationships with both. Falling in love, IMO, is an optional extra and not the be all and end all. That's just my opinion though, and you're welcome to disregard it.)

ITA with Lady Zaidie - I think being 'in love' is really over-rated and doesn't have much to do with long term lasting love.
Is he saying that he doesn't love you anymore? Or that he isn't in love with you...they are two different things to some people and I'm not sure what he said or meant.

And I second the counselling suggestions, if you can. But you have to have two parties willing to go to counselling or to work it out.
Not saying he's not, but what worked for me was- I got on with what I had to do. I acted as though that was it, all over, sayonara - that was my way of coping so that if he didn't want to work it out I didn't have that crushing blow again ITMS.

[ElleJay]

Oh hun - Big hugs!
Whereabouts in Perth are you? I'm in Perth myself (Baldivis - Rockingham way) and if you ever need anyone to just sit down and have a coffee with, let me know and I'll be there with a supportive ear

[Cassius2]

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult and life-confronting time at the moment

FWIW, i don't see this as the final end to the relationship. From my experience, having a child changes the couple dynamic. suddenly from the moment our babies are born we are thrown head first into a new system of life, love, hardship and reassesment of who we are and who we are becoming. and importantly, it takes time. If the foundations of the relationship are strong (mutual respect, shared dreams etc) then this current hiatus could just be one of those moments of fear and reflection for what was, what is, and what will be. My DH and I went through this about 18 months ago and man, it was devastatingly hard and scary. we both questioned what the purpose or future of our love and shared life story and both of us wondered if it was worth going through this massive change together. but when we thought really long and hard (and with the help of a counsellor and long meaningful and respectful chats with eachother) we realised that the things that brought us together in the first place and bouyed us into having a child in the first place were still really important to us and still there...just a little bit hidden under the weight of change that any new child can bring.
at first our actions seemed arbitrary in that we would 'organise' couple time together (ie finish work early and see a movie before picking DD up) or heading out together before work for a coffee etc. but it seemed to helped, and gave us the much needed break to calmly and tenderley bring ourselves back together as a couple.

from what you have posted, although it must of been devasting, i have been there (on both sides!), but there can be hope. it might take superhuman strength, but if you are both willing to give it even half a go it could work, and if it doesnt at least you can both hold your head up high and know that you guys tried your very best.

HTH

[BabyQ]

oh gosh babe..my heart aches for you you've found a great support here in BB.

[loulabelle]

Just sending you some hugs.x

[Ellee05]

Claude, I don't know how I missed this thread. I just wanted to give you some I too am facing separation at the moment with an 8month old, it is tough and mine is only just beginning.

FWIW while things are amicable between you both at the moment, unfortunately things can get out of hand when emotions fly (it doesn't sound like it will) but I think getting some legal advice would be worth your while. Just to have the knowledge in the back of your head.

The girls on here are an amazing wealth of support and knowledge so please continue to use BB for support... you'll never be alone.

Sending much cyber love, support and strength your way.

[widdly]

sending you the HUGEST hug in the world xxxxxxxxxxxx

You just need to do what you know is best. We can all come in here and tell you to get counselling and work at things, but only you know what needs to be done.

The girls in here are the most incredible support, so be sure to come and vent in here when ever you need x