Crappy Situation With Unborn Baby's Father Already (VENT/HELP)

[Gigi]

took me five years to conceive, older than you, and i took to heart, that some women miscarry. So i took great trouble about my personal safety, even in public places. One wrong knock, a fall, i didn't want to take risks. So i say this, in the context of your - um - i am not sure what to call him - your X? - well he physically pushed you.

i would encourage you - if you want to have counselling/talking - any contact with him, make it in a very safe environment, especially with a 3rd party - anything so that you protect the little life growing inside you. Because if he happens to get nasty again, and physical with you again, it would be terrible to think of a potential miscarriage situation.

i was pregnant at the age my own mother was menopausal, so i consider my DD to be a miracle too.

Feeling like you only have one shot at being a mother, did make me over cautious, but my DD is alive, so it was worth it.

It sounds to me like you want your baby very very much, so i say all this to you, because i want your dream to come true. I don't know you, but you express how i felt, that having a baby was (and is) very important to me too.

have a healthy and happy pregnancy.

make it child focussed.

if YOU might agree to something (e.g seeing the father to talk), think about "how can this be achieved, with the baby's safety, the first priority".

it's so easy, to "put everybody else first" (e.g the daddy), if you can't put your own safety first, put the baby's safety first.

[emc2]

thanks Mummytee

It is a very similar situation. Rather than go into more about my situation, well I wish I had done this during my pregnancy, but I cancelled the appointment as it was a very hot day in summer. I went to the appointment with the DV counsellor at Relationships Australia today. She was brilliant, and she went through the scenarios with me and just how to cover things for the future.

I suppose my scenario is a little different in that, the father does want to know and be involved with his son, so I have to set very clear boundaries, which I have been doing, but to keep it up, but also to cover things for the future. She suggested I keep a daily or weekly log/diary of any interesting behaviour from my ex. eg showing up for visit obviously intoxicated, dropping in without notice etc. Then if things do ever go to court, there's evidence there.

Every DV scenario is different, oh the good thing is there's oodles of free services and emotional, financial, verbal abuse is well recognised in 2011. You might get the odd service asking "but does he hit you" but on the whole it's well recognised that often emotional/verbal can escalate to physical so it is finally acknowledged that it is just as bad iykwim.

Sorry this is very broad advice, I like to respond to the OP but also just put general advice up for anyone who may need help about anything on forums.

[bec293]

I have to agree with the previous replies, I think you and your baby will be better off without someone like this in your lives. Don't be scared of being a single mum. My sons father does not have anything to do with any part of our lives. Never has, never will. I don't get child support (he is overseas and mostly unreachable), I have sent him photos of his son but since I found out I was pregnant all I have gotten from him is one text message (my bub is almost 9 months old now). But I am happy, my baby will grow up without a father but he gets more than enough love from me. You will be fine, it is very scary at times being pregnant alone, wondering what your life will be like when your baby is born.. I know that feeling very well but just try to look at the positives and do what is in the best interest for you and your baby.

[MummyTee]

Gigi, thanks for that advice, I will take it on board as I hadn’t thought of some of that stuff. I have/am and will always put bubs first and want to be a good mummy.

EMC2, very interesting. Thank you for that. I will look into those services. Everyone has testing time I guess so we can then help others in the same position.

Bec293: I know you are right, sounds like we are both better off!! And bubs too.

Sounds like I’m in great company as a single mum. Kudos. x

[emc2]

My update is my ex is becoming more erratic and now it is both him and his father harassing me. It's just all emotional verbal stuff so I am glad I have kept a diary of sorts from during the pregnancy and now the visits. He basically doesn't have any legal right to visit in my home and so now I am slowly stepping things up a bit in terms of formality and IF things ever go to court.

My advice is get legal advice and do write down any of his behaviours or incidents even if you do have very little contact, just in case.

[MummyTee]

Gosh that sucks EMC2, that you have to deal with both grown men behaving like tools. You don't deserve any of that garbage! I hope you don't end up in court. Thanks for the update.

Update: Have not heard a peep from DH (d**khead), only that it looks like he is now sh*gging my now "obviously former" closest friend here, or she wants to which is just as bad!!

Funnily enough it makes my beneficiary updates, will writing, god parent choosing, who I want in the delivery room, and if to include him later on a piece of cake now!

[briggsy's girl]

i've been the kid in a DV relationship - you don't want that for your baby - at all. it's horrible and demoralising and can lead to lots of self esteem/self worth issues later - not to mention the fact i have to fight an almost instinctual reaction to lash out when i'm hurting or angry. it takes immense control (and a frikken AWESOME and supportive husband) to help me to not continue the cycle of abuse.

just a couple of little logistical things - you're better off with your child having father details on birth certificate (my brothers certificate doesnt, and it has caused massive issues in his relationship with our parents). you can then speak with a social worker through c'link after baby arrives, and have a violence exemption placed on file so that you don't need to claim child support (if you don't name the father, you'll be sent to legal aid to chase proof of paternity - if you don't, your payment will be reduced from a max of 165 per fn of family tax a to less than 55 a fortnight). i would suggest, given what has already occurred with him attacking you, that you look at getting a DVO in place now - it doesn't sound like he would be in any way incapable of attacking you to try and cause harm to the baby, so it would be in both your best interests to do it now and have it in place before your baby arrives.

[MummyTee]

Thanks heaps BG,

I have been a child of an abusive and violent home, that's why I'm not giving another chance.

Just wondering, does the Father have to sign the birth cert? I have decided to move cities again and have the baby and live far away from all this crap so would he have to fly there to sign it at the hospital?

[briggsy's girl]

I believe you can attach a stat dec regarding why the father hasn't signed. Not sure though

[bec293]

just a couple of little logistical things - you're better off with your child having father details on birth certificate (my brothers certificate doesnt, and it has caused massive issues in his relationship with our parents). you can then speak with a social worker through c'link after baby arrives, and have a violence exemption placed on file so that you don't need to claim child support (if you don't name the father, you'll be sent to legal aid to chase proof of paternity - if you don't, your payment will be reduced from a max of 165 per fn of family tax a to less than 55 a fortnight).

My babies father is not on his birth certificate. This was the best way for us, as it can lead to big dramas if you need to get a passport, or anything else official you will need consent from the father if he is named. I do not get child support but I still had to apply to prove that the father could not be contacted. I just gave them all the details I had, they confirmed I could not get CS so therefore qualified for full family tax benefit. I was not sent to legal aid and my payments have not been reduced one cent. It was a little humiliating explaining my situation over the phone numerous times and in person at Centrelink but at least now I don't need to get permission from the father if I want to take bub on an overseas holiday (which I have just done with no hassles) or do anything else that requires permission from both parents.

[briggsy's girl]

there is no need to explain anything over the phone to c'link/family assistance consultants - all you need to do is ask to speak with a social worker about your situation. without a valid exemption, your payment will be cut.

if you want advice in regard to the legalities, you can contact the family relationships advice line and they can refer you to the right people regarding the legalities regarding birth certificates etc. make sure you get the advice from the source

my comments regarding the birth certificate were related to my own family situation - my parents weren't living together when my brother was born and he wasn't named on the birth certificate - the trouble this has caused my brother since then in terms of emotional anguish regarding his identity is pretty full on.

[emc2]

Well I've been generously allowing my ex and his father to visit in my unit, twice a week. My Mum or Dad have been coming too.

Unfortunately this isn't working well so I'm going to the Family Relationships Centre, Mum suggested he is only allowed one visit for a very short time in my unit, and any others to be at the FRC or a shopping centre.

My ex is just being stupid, and not sitting Jim up to feed him anymore, not changing his nappy properly, he walked on the road with only using one handle on the stroller. Also him and his father harassed me while I was BF Jim :-(

I have been logging anything remotely abusive my ex says or does. So for example he will say that I've made a bottle too hot, when in fact I've heated it up for 10 seconds rather than 30 seconds. He will just question my parenting and attempt to undermine me.

[Gigi]

you have been very generous

and they are repaying you with the reverse

You do not need the stress.

You do not need your very young baby looked after by irresponsible people. The care of a young child, the care takes precedence, not points scoring. You don't need Jim to get bad nappy rash before they listen. The father should listen purely because it's in Jim's best interests, to be changed correctly, for his health. And because you have primary care, it is natural you have more experience of what Jim needs, and have more practice in doing it.

i hope due to Jim's age, and feeds, that he is not out of your sight for very long (for your and Jim's sakes).

You do not need your parenting to be mocked/undermined, you're a new mum, dealing with so much, and doing so well, you need to be supported, not torn down.

You are the mother lion for your darling boy. I hope the counsellors give you suggestions on what to do. Can you see a one to one counsellor, as well as mediation counsellors?

There are issues it would be good to get advice on, by yourself, without your Ex present.
And with mediation, the counsellors have to be neutral.

I think you are a great mum, is there any reason you feel compelled to put up with twice weekly visits (in YOUR home). It would be very different if those two people were respectful, but they're not.

I'm sorry this saga is continuing, you and your son deserve better.

[WannabeMum]

I don't really have anything to add, I just wanted to send some love to all of you strong, wonderful mothers giving your children the best in life - kids need a soft place to fall in life, and these kids are all lucky they've got Mums like you.

There was no DV in my household growing up, but my parents separated when I was 2. My Mum was incredibly strong (there was some pretty wrong stuff in their relationship, even if no violence) and I reckon she did a bloody awesome job as a single Mum. We saw our Dad, but our Mum raised us - she was both parents, and we did have other strong male role models in our lives too.

FWIW, I think Mum did us a great favour in never badmouthing Dad in front of us. I'm sure it was hard sometimes, but it meant that we didn't think half of our genetics came from a complete and total loser. There is good and bad in everyone and Mum chose to tell us about the good stuff Dad did, not the crappy stuff. We found that out later - but it was after we'd found out everyone was imperfect so it was ok and didn't affect the way we felt about ourselves.

Anyway - that's my 2c - you're all doing what's best for your kids and that is the best thing any of us Mums can do, regardless of our home situation. Sending a whole lot of love to you all and plenty of

MummyTee - I hope you get some great legal advice!!

[Gigi]

Wannabe, that's great feedback. As a newly single mum, i'm trying very hard not to badmouth my X in front of my DD, good to know the sort of impact that has on a child growing up - a good one.

[emc2]

I just wanted to thank Gigi and others for your input, I have printed it off. I am getting further legal advice.

Edited to say, my father had a chat with my ex, he's is becoming more illogical. I am seeing someone about mediation today BUT I must get legal aid or something before the mediation.

[MummyTee]

posted twice this site is very slow??

[MummyTee]

Just wondering how you are going EMC2? Is everything getting better, I hope so.

Nothing much to report here, have moved cities and haven't seen the Father, spoken a little bit, he wanted to catch up to talk, but never showed up. I am now 22 weeks pregnant and am loving it and accepted my situation. We'll see what happens after bubsy is born.

Wannabe Mum, loved reading your 2 cents worth and that has become my attitude. Children can sense negativity and resentment coming from either parent about the other.

xx