This is my release......

[Butterfly Child]

sorry this is so long i need to get this all out before it eats me alive.( the writing in brackets are snipets of what happend in the past with xp )

I hate him...
when will i stop feeling
when will i stop caring
why do i let it all hurt me... soo much?

When will he realise
why cant he make it up
when will he grow up?

(Since the day he told me in the car that day..we were on our way to my first ultrasound, i was 6weeks we'd just found out i was pregnant with dd...
He left me.. left me to go in to the ultrasound to see dd all by myself because he just couldnt do the whole thing with me he was scared ...he left us)

i keep having these flashbacks of what he did to me..to us..how do i forgive him

how can i trust him with her...she doesnt know him
he doesnt know anything.. anything about her..he pretends to, even though he cant even be responsible enough to turn up on time or at al once a week. how do i let go?(i know he loves her, but sometimes you have to put that love into action.)

( I Remember being 4-5 months pregnant trying to study for my hsc, getting abusive phonecalls from him and his dad begging me pleading for me to have an aabortion to sign legal pappers if i was to have dd, so xp wouldnt have any responsibility to dd.)

I cant do it all...ill wipe the tears from her eyes when shes sick, ill be there always i do everything all on my own.. thats more than fine with me because i love her, more than life itself.. she is my everything. But i cant handle the pain the emotion and the anger that eat me up, that wash away the good and kind person i know i use to be when i see his face, when i hear his name, when i remember what happened..


this is verry big ramble sorry its so long i needed to get it all out.