how can they do it?

[cmama]

I'm sitting here , reading a few posts on here
and one thing i am really wondering
if all the men who have kids
who know they have kids
how can they just walk away?
how can a man father a child and just walk away from it
not caring how he/ she is
or the future impact it will have on the innocent child?
and why is it
that they are able to move on so quickly from the women that gave birth to their children
women that they spent years with
for the first piece off ass that comes along
that they dont love,, will never love
my ex moved on after a few month after our 5 year relationship ended.
with someone he i know through the grape vine he is only using and doesnt love
and i have read other stories on here that are the same
will they ever realise one day what they have done
will the light bulb ever turn on
or do they honestly not give a damn and never will.
and why is it.. after not seeing my ex in almost 2 years
a part of me still misses him and still thinks of him
and feels angry as hell that he is with another woman.
sometimes i just wish i could understand how someone can not even want to know their own childs name
it just seems so wrong......so very wrong

[Mellybubz]

I totally agree, The sad thing is theres so many great guys out there who want to be married and have children but get missed. Then you think about all the poor people out there who want kids and cant have them. Its like the most amazing and beautiful experience theyll ever have and they want nothing to do with it. They dont think about the children and how theyll turn out. Just their back pockets because they have booze to buy you know

[{sarah}]

There are a lot on the other side of the story as well, dads who's wives leave them with the kids. I know of four men personally who's wives left them & didn't want their children (strangely enough I know no men like this). I don't think it is men necessarily, just some people. I just feel sad for the kids in either circumstance, it would be horrible to grow up thinking that one of your parents didn't want you

[newmummy85]

But i'm convinced that all kids of single mothers (or fathers) can still be just as happy. Can't they? I have to believe this, or else whats the point in pouring my heart and soul into being the best Mum I can be if i'm just going to raise a child who feels neglected anyway? Seems kind of like fighting a losing battle if that's the case.

I hope I never hear the line 'Well, I never knew my dad, what did you expect?' or something like that.

Surely, despite the unsuitable men some of us have chosen to be our baby's dads, we can still raise happy, healthy, fulfilled, successful children who have no doubt they're loved?

3 weeks from having my first baby, this issue is my biggest fear.

[~Phoenix~]

My DH has grown up not knowing his dad and he still questions why his dad wouldn't have wanted anything to do with him from about the age of 7 and just stopped contact, which I think is harder for him to accept than if he never knew him at all.

But at the end of the day my DH has grown in to a happy & successful man and he strongly believes a single parent who loves and adores their childen, is a better suituation to grow up in than in a hostile relationship where the parents stay together for the sake of the kids or use kids as pawns in emotional blackmail.

On the otherhand one of his best mates has been left to look after his 3 daughters, and this is something his mate wouldn't change for the world, even though he struggles to juggle everything.

[newmummy85]

Thank you Pheonix76 for sharing that. It's really comforting to hear.

[Liviam]

I have no idea how you could just walk out on your children and not have any contact with them. I go insane if I don't see/talk to my kids every single day. I guess it is just some people, both men and women, who can be this selfish.
But I truely believe that a single parent can raise kids as loved as a kid raised with two, sometimes better if the parents relationship is strained and they stay together for the sake of the kids.

[Tecopa]

I don't know if this will help or not, but I hope it does! Coming from the queer community I've learned that really, biology does not family make. You pick and choose your own family. I think in straight relationships there is this enormous pressure that the bio-mum and bio-dad are the be all and end all for the child and the kid will grow with two heads or something if it's not all ideal. And maybe without much exposure except to happy two parent families, it can be horrible when it goes wrong for you.

But kids grow up fine in all circumstances with love and stability and protection. The rest is optional. I mean, yes, it's sad if people walk away from their children but it's how we react to that that can have a bigger impact and it's a waste of energy to focus on the "why" with people and their reasons for disappearing.

My story is also very odd - lesbian for ten years, experimented with men in my 30's and ooops, 9 months later I have a child after a fling. He wants nothing to do with the kid. I was angry/sad for a while then realised I can make my own support network. After all I know kids with two mums, one mum, two dads, two dads and two mums, two mums a bio-gay-donor-dad, then a second dad when the girl started seeing men! All sorts of combos and the kids are fine (and research backs it up too)

In my case, my gay best friend stepped up and is the "Gunkle" (Gay Uncle) to my boy and was at all the birth classes, the birth, cut the cord, buys clothes, toys, cooks cleans and loves the hell out of my kid. So I will have to explain to my son that while his father and I didn't work out, it should be obvious how loved and wanted he is looking at the people I've "created" our family with!

I guess what I'm trying to say it as hurtful as it is when people walk away from their bio-kids, too much energy is wasted agonising over it all when that energy could be put into making new support networks, however you find them.

[Fleur]

XP stayed out of DD1's life for years - his choice - & has recently attempted to re-establish a relationship.
The problem is, she is now 14 & he is a stranger to her. She doesn't feel comfortable alone with him, but he doesn't understand - to him, he is her 'daddy' and he can't work out what the problem is. He thinks it's us
DH has been in her life since she was 11 mths old & he is her dad & always will be, whether we are together or not. He tells her he fell in love with her before me so she is lucky to have had that in her life.

My mum left me with my dad when I was 2 and a half, moved interstate. I did get to see her over the years but when I had my own children it hit me like a ton of bricks that she had up & left me, moved away - I could NEVER do that to my kids. So yeah I have had a bit to deal with (still am )
But I see it as part of my life's journey, I guess, we all have things to deal with & lessons to learn... these are mine.

It's normal to feel hurt for our children... but it's not the end of the world for them. There is still plenty of love in the world
I hope you find peace