i admire how hard you have tried to make things better.

i gave xmas presents to the three people closest to me, because i wanted to and i love giving presents. it backfired. they felt embarrassed cos they had no present for me, and even though that wasn't my intent (to exchange presents), i left thinking "i shouldn't have done this, it just made them feel awkward". I was trying to show bilby, that it is better to give than receive, and the three people, they do mean alot to me. I realise i have a small amount of friends, and for each of these three, i am sure they have a large group of friends, and i am only one of those friends - so i really didn't expect anything from them. They have lots of family and friends they are expected to give gifts to. But i did feel like an idiot afterwards. I had felt so happy buying their presents and wrapping them up.

i didn't receive any NYE invites either, but i'm glad about that. due to finances, i would have been embarrassed anyway, so it saved me having to explain why i coudln't go. and i have nothing suitable to wear for a night out anyway. I stayed at my auntie's house on NYE, cos i was too scared to stay in my own home on NYE (unsafe neighbourhood). I watched a movie by myself.

My birthday was a non event too. It made me think, maybe i should organise something for my birthday next year, be the instigator. but my friends have small children, so i guess it would have to be a playdate in the park.

Those three events are spread out over three months for me, so it's not all at once, like it was for you.

xmas / new year is such a time of expectation, such a lead up - hard to live up to that.

i hope 2011 is better for you.

i commiserate with you, but i have not put in the amount of effort you have, so really admire how brave you are.