Losing Hope *bit long*

[Gigi]

i admire how hard you have tried to make things better.

i gave xmas presents to the three people closest to me, because i wanted to and i love giving presents. it backfired. they felt embarrassed cos they had no present for me, and even though that wasn't my intent (to exchange presents), i left thinking "i shouldn't have done this, it just made them feel awkward". I was trying to show bilby, that it is better to give than receive, and the three people, they do mean alot to me. I realise i have a small amount of friends, and for each of these three, i am sure they have a large group of friends, and i am only one of those friends - so i really didn't expect anything from them. They have lots of family and friends they are expected to give gifts to. But i did feel like an idiot afterwards. I had felt so happy buying their presents and wrapping them up.

i didn't receive any NYE invites either, but i'm glad about that. due to finances, i would have been embarrassed anyway, so it saved me having to explain why i coudln't go. and i have nothing suitable to wear for a night out anyway. I stayed at my auntie's house on NYE, cos i was too scared to stay in my own home on NYE (unsafe neighbourhood). I watched a movie by myself.

My birthday was a non event too. It made me think, maybe i should organise something for my birthday next year, be the instigator. but my friends have small children, so i guess it would have to be a playdate in the park.

Those three events are spread out over three months for me, so it's not all at once, like it was for you.

xmas / new year is such a time of expectation, such a lead up - hard to live up to that.

i hope 2011 is better for you.

i commiserate with you, but i have not put in the amount of effort you have, so really admire how brave you are.

[widdly]

Im sorry you are feeling unloved, it is easy to feel like that when you are a single mum I know. You are just hving a rough patch it will improve soon as your mothers groups and everything start up again for the year.

If you get a part time job you wont lose your benefits from CL, you usually end up better off, but yeah you would need more childcare which could use up a lot of your pay, so you would hve to speak to CL and find out how much CL you would recieve and way up whether it is worth you finding work.