Have finally got my thoughts together enough to write this down.

Just over a year ago I let my husband know that I was not happy and that I felt we needed to work on our relationship. It appeared that he was listening at the time and agreed to take me and DD out more and take care of her occasionally to give me a chance to get out and have some adult contact without having to worry about b'feeding for a few hours.
However nothing eventuated from it. He would spend more time at work then they would pay him for, go on regular outings (dinner and pubs) with collegues and expect money from our already tight budget to do these things. At one stage I knew i wouldn't have enough money to buy nappies when DD needed them so I sold eroyic literature just to buy essentials until I could go back to my old job and find childcare. I started to save a little money, hoping to be able to go out for dinner with DH and put on a birthday party for DD and buy some new work clothes for myself.

Most of this money went to him to spend whilst in Thailand on a work reward/business trip. So I figured I couldn't rely on him to support us fully so started working full time as well as working a second job so we could live (history note: DH had always said he never wanted to have to live off rice as he needed too when growing up) comfortably.

In the mean time I was struggling to get to church by myself with DD each week and getting very discouraged with it all.

A new work collegue picked up on the fact I was unhappy, even though I tried not to show it at work, and befriended me and got me talking. He took me and DD out for tea one night so I wouldn't have to cook (he invited DH too), talked to me on the phone when I was struggling to wean DD and get her to sleep in own room. He appreciated that the work I did was worthwhile and made me feel human again.

All this made me realise that DH was not pulling his weight as a husband so I tried to talk to him about what I needed. He said that he hadn't noticed anything was wrong and that if 'that guy' made me so hapy maybe I should be with him instead. Of course this is not what I wanted. Through this process my collegue was the only person I knew well enough to talk to about what was happening and when DH said he was going to leave me, he offered to marry me so I wouldnt have to be a single mum (he had bought up his son on his own so knew how hard it can be). Eventually DH decided he wasn't prepared to lose me and as result I got pregnant with DD2.

I thought we had made progress, I cut all ties with my collegue, moved offices and everything to avoid DH becoming jealous or whatever and set to work being the best wife I could.

However Not long after DD2 was born I noticed DH crying one night and asked him why. In the end it amounted down to that DD2 reminded him of a time when we were not happy and he hated looking at her. I explained I could see where he was coming from but that I chose to see her as a symbol of our love for each other.

I guess that he needed an excuse to be unhappy because he then said he couldn't trust me he never knew if i was having an affair and classified my relationship with collegue as an affair.

He tried to get me to leave but I didn't, hoping he would have a real good think and change his mind... also I would rather my girls be in the home they are familiar with for as long as possible.

I suggested counsellimg, he said he would think about it and went and took a shower.

When he got out of the shower he said he would try for one month if I got counselling as he had been getting counselling and it was the only reason he was still around.

The next morning he got up and packed his bags and left.

A few days later he came back and said he wanted to work things out.

Then he left, saying his counsellor had said he had came back too early.

A few days later he called me to let me know he was thinking of coming home the next day as he had depression and the only way to work through it was to be home with us.

So he came back, we sat down and made plans to help him be happy (none of my ideas were taken on board). He started going to the gym, coming and going as he pleased, stopped me from having access to one of his bank accounts (he refused to get a joint account when we were marries) and signed up for one of those network marketing schemes that he had warned me against a few years ago.

Whenever I would touch him, even try to hold his hand he would either walk away, ignore it or say he wasn't in the mood. One time he told me off saying I shouldn't touch him because it was the first time I had all night (not true but even so, excuse me if i had to cook tea, take care of two girls and b'feed).

So the other night I asked him what I could do. I said that I was feeling no love coming from him towards me (DTD only happened when he wanted it) and thought that we should try to do more things together away from the house.

He got up the next morning, packed his bags and left. He said it is permanent, that he can't see that he can ever trust me (still not sure why) again.

So thats my story...thanks for letting me get it off my chest.