Separation: Did Any Kids Take It In Their Stride?

[fionas]

DP (should actually be XDP) is looking for a house so will be living here for a few months until he finds somewhere.

DD1 (aged 5) has just started school and I was dreading telling her. DP told her (whole other story) on his own which I wasn't happy about but he said all the right things so I can't be too cross about it. I had a chat with her the following morning and she seems to have totally taken it in her stride.

We have both explained that: dad will still live close by (in the same town), she will see him every day either before school or after school, she will have sleepovers at dad's house on the weekends but will sleep at mum's house every school night and every few weeks she will spend the whole weekend at dad's.

Her response both times has been, "I like that idea."

Yesterday, I thought I would further test the waters and we drove past a few houses that are for sale and I asked her what she thought of them. She was very excited and pointed out the one that she liked best.

Am I deluding myself that this may not be as traumatic for her as I thought or have other kids taken it in their stride? She even yelled out to a friend in Coles yesterday, "my daddy's moving out". Bit embarrassing but she was very cheery about it.

Haven't told DD2 (aged 2) just yet as I don't think she will necessarily understand the abstract concept of dad moving somewhere else but I'm planning on explaining more when we've found somewhere for DP to live.

[chody47]

I have no experience, but maybe at the moment it seems a bit like an adventure and she is excited at the prospect of two houses? I would imagine it will become more real once the move has actually taken place. It sounds like you living close to each other and both being able to see the kids each day will make it easier though.

[krysalyss]

That sounds great Fionas. It sounds like she is off to a great start to realising that two homes don't mean she is loved any less, and I think a lot of that would have come from the fact that is has been presented to her in a calm rational way with you both having already sorted out the details - obviously with her welfare in mind. I think just roll with it, staying positive as to the good things this will mean for her. She may come to have different feelings about it later but I think deal with it then, to avoid unconsciously putting your own feelings and perceptions onto her.

[RainbowRiver]

I have no experience, but maybe at the moment it seems a bit like an adventure and she is excited at the prospect of two houses? I would imagine it will become more real once the move has actually taken place

This is what I was going to post too!

My kids (well DD's) thought it was great fun having two homes... Until the novelty wore off. 2 years on, all 3 struggle with the concept of going between homes. We have a few problems we are still working out. They at least now understand Xdh and I will never be back together and both are remarrying new partners.

[Pandora]

I hope for you it stays that way

My boys are better some days that others.
My 7yo (was 6 at the time) had some issues at the beginning due to the way FWXH mishandled it, and to some degree continues to.
His school has an excellent group counselling program for kids with family stuff going on, and we found that to be amazing for him over the past year.
My 3yo doesnt really get it as much, and TBH, things werent so good before, so its probably a far better situation than what he had before.

Their dads partner has just moved in. She seems nice and they seem to like her, but its thrown out both of their behaviour while they get used to it.

[Butterfly Dawn]

I too think once it happens is when reality sets in. the idea is fun and often the 1st few vists. If she can permanently have stuff at his house and choose bedding for there etc it can help.

[Cass72]

It sounds positive. Like the others have said, once it actually happens though reality may set in and she might find it a bit difficult to adjust.

I think that as long as you and your XDH maintain a united front, ie, keep all your negative thoughts, feelings, actions to yourself and don't express them to or in front of the children they should be ok.

Kids can be accepting. If they know that you are both happy and they can continue to have you both firmly in their lives and that they don't have to play favourites then I don't see why the won't just take it in their stride. I think that most of the problems come from parents who can't keep their opinions to themselves and blame each other. The children then struggle with trying to please both parents and that can only lead to tears and drama.

You both brought these wonderful little creatures into the world, so why shouldn't you both raise them together - even if you aren't living under the same roof.

I think it would be nice if they could split some of the things they have in their room now and then buy some new things for both rooms. That way they have new and old. For example, a favourite old quilt but a new bedside lamp. It would be nice for them if they didn't have to pack a bag each time they went to stay with the other parent. I know that this can be a little costly but it might make it a little more seamless.

Good luck.

[Gigi]

My DD "seemed" to cope well for the first - maybe 18 months. Then she had some delayed reactions. Spilt up occurred around the time she turned 4. So she was about to start a year of kindy (big transition time for her).

She's 6 now, and still has times when she will cry for 45mins after a drop-off. Still asks when mum and dad will get married, when we will all live in same place again etc. She shows signs of depression.

[shellbell3]

We've been sperated a year now. DD2 who was 3 at the split seems fine and adjusted easily. DD1 was 5 and had just started prep. She is up and down, was all good for 6-8 weeks then I think reality hit and she realised it was permanant so we started getting a few tears of wanting mummy and daddy to live together. Now mostly she is ok but there is the odd day here and there when she talks about it or I notice on the weekend pick ups if she is tired it exacerbates it and theres tears.
I guess every child is different and will react differently. We try to remain friends, spend time as a family still on birthdays/ xmas etc.

[Gigi]

2.5yrs later, we're still struggling, to work out how to do annual celebrations. We have so little family, it's very lonely for my child, to have an annual celebration, just one parent and her. The communication between her father and i is not good, hence xmas eve last year, neither of us knew where bilby would be spending xmas day. Xmas Day was messy and sad. So much stress, every annual event (yes, i am dreading Easter for same reason). Last year, i didn't get to see my own child, on Mother's Day or my birthday, until, like very late in the day, and it was random, so i was unprepared. Instead of being a happy time, i was grimacing thru tears, trying to put a brave face on for bilby but failing pretty bad.