victim of domestic violence

jennifer - I will try and join, however I tried to join the single parents private support group a couple of weeks ago and have not been allowed to join yet for some reason?

divvy - thanks that is great advice. I need to free myself of responsibility for him.

He has just researched child abuse counselling ont he net and expressed his digust at needing 2 years to work through child abuse issues. I have said my peice now and tried to let him =know that I am freeing myself of his issues and just working on myself. I have told him he needs to change by himself.

Wow Widdly, that is quite huge. How has he managed to bottle all that up for this long in his life.

But you were right in telling him he needs to see someone for him, he can't be doing it for you or your son, it has to be because he wants to fix it.

You have me doing research on emotional abuse now, funny but I fit most of the categories just couldn't really see it until now.

Stay strong.

Its amazing how obvious it seems once you read all the signs of emotinal abuse.

I have no idea how he could suppress all of that for so long either, no wonder he is so screwed up, poor man.

This is great progress. It's up to him now - does he go get help or use the abuse as an excuse to just keep doing what he's doing? Hmmm, that is the question. As for being afraid of being scared and alone if he sees a counsellor, this makes no sense; he WILL be alone and scared if he DOESN'T get help because you're not going to stick around if he doesn't get help! His fear is not rational, he cannot be hurt by what has already hurt him and he can take the power of those memories away by sharing them with someone who can help him put them in their place.
That's for him to find out. Not you. You don't wear this, you have your own baggage and it's not fair to ask you to carry someone else's baggage as well as your own.
I hope someone sees your email to join the Family Crisis forum soon :hug:

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Lorelle - thankyou sweet woman x Big 4 year olds! I have been researching how to build a dinosaur cake...he couldn't want something simple could he?!

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(... harr harr same headache here DD wants Dora, ... admitted finally to myself i could never do Dora so i happen to google Dora cake photo's and BINGO saw a pic of someone's Dora cake that is two round cakes as islands with a Dora bath toy that has a bridge over the two cakes ... so yep DD has that same bath toy & YES i dragged it out of the bath & gave it a good scrub ... thank god for bath toys i now say :dance: ... Have you tried googling Dinosaur cake photo ?? (you prob have yeh ;))

lorelle - thats a great Dora cake idea!! Thank goodness for Google :D Yeah I looked up a heap of dinosaur cake pics and have a plan in place. I will bake 2 round cakes. Cut one cake in half and stand the 2 halves up against each other flat side down, this will be the body. With the other cake I will cut a cresent which will be the tail, then I will fashion a neck and head out of the rest of the cake. THe legs will be cupcakes cut in half. I have been told by Archie tonight that it will be a blue dinosaur with blue spots, his wish shall be my command!

Mayaness - your post was full of wisdom, thankyou, it made so much sense to me. I read a part of it out to DH (about how hw will end up alone without me if he doesnt get help), his response, "thats all well and good, but since I talked about that stuff today I have felt like absolute crap" In other words, he does not intend on seeinga counsellor.

Stuff him! His loss, and in all honesty, probably my gain

I just feel so silly for giving DS a father who is ot a fantastic role model :(

Oh, listen to me blaming myself again, the cycle continues, at least I can see it now I guess.

BTW, I realised today that i have access to the private single forum.

hey widdly check out a book called "why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft(our library doesnt have it but they will get it in)
Dont forget your not the only one going through this, MANY people are in non violent abusing relationships. You now need to make you stronger, love yourself, build boundaries(helpful in all relationships not just to those your married to), become the person you want to be. It will take years it will be damn hard at lots of times but you have the best reason to do it! for archie and for YOU!

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Dont forget your not the only one going through this, MANY people are in non violent abusing relationships. You now need to make you stronger, love yourself, build boundaries(helpful in all relationships not just to those your married to), become the person you want to be. It will take years it will be damn hard at lots of times but you have the best reason to do it! for archie and for YOU!

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.................. so incredibly beautifully said and shot straight to the heart of the matter :heartbeat:

Lovely lady take huge note of what your local gal has said it sums up a great, great deal ... take SUPER care our Widdly :hug:

OG - thank you :) I shall find that book and give it a read.

Oh, widdly, he's gonna hear what he wants to hear for a while :( Just talking about it for the first time isn't going to 'fix' anything, so no wonder he feels like crap! There IS no quick fix, and that's why lots of blokes give up on themselves, cos they want it fixed...NOW. Us chicks can put in for the long haul, that's why we are much better at the parenting caper, as a general rule, evolutionarily speaking.
All you can do for him and his problems is lead by example. He has to give himself permission to fall apart before he can put himself back together and be useful to you and his family. It is now HIS choice to make - he can let it fester, unaided, or he can talk to someone to help him put it where it all belongs.
This is YOUR story, though and you're not a victim, you have BEEN a victim and now that you're talking about it you are a survivor of it. Time to change the self-talk, my love :hug:

Huge :hug: Widdly. Sorry, I don't have any advice but know that you have my support :hug:

Thanks guys :)

We had a huge discussion this arvo and he has had lots of huge realisations and awakenings of his own. We have talked about core values, what each of us want from life, what are our priorities in life etc. I now have hope for us, I think we might just make it. He made a cousnelling appointment and plans on seeing a counsellor or a couple of years til all his abuse issues have been sorted through.

All is going well for now.

Hey darling one, I've got no advice, I'm just popping in with some more love and support for you. :hug: What an amazing journey this is for you and for your DH. You are such a strong and wonderful person, so much more than you would ever believe. You can do this! And it is just so great that your DH is starting to show some positive signs too. Love and warmth to you all and especially your gorgeous DS. :hug:

That's brilliant!!
My dad still won't talk to a counsellor about his issues growing up that have led to his major depression...his issues started in the 1950s! The sooner your DP starts this work on himself teh better for him, for your kids and your relationship.
This is brilliant news :)

Have been meaning to post in here. Look, I thought it was brilliant he felt like crap (because it means he was acknowledging what was said and wasn't in denial and saying it was all a crock which I'm sure the majority of people who'd just been told they were an abuser would do) and EVEN MORE brilliant now that he's committed to going to see a counsellor.

Now, I don't mean to sound like I think you're home and hosed. Obviously he's got to put in the hard yards and no doubt there will be hiccups along the way, but really at this early stage, I think that's a great start.

He will no doubt uncover lots of things about himself and his childhood which really help form a picture of why/how he behaves/d the way he does/did.

To us girls who have grown up surrounded by Oprah, women's mags, sites like these and D&Ms with our girlfriends, it's easier for us to put two and two together about why we are the way we are but it's so much harder for blokes because they're just not wired to think about this stuff and do the self-reflection.

Hugs, widdly. Take good care.

I want to point out that, the big chat you had is still part of the cycle! he knows what you want to hear and has told you that.. just like every other time when you get confident he comes running back to get you.
IMO i wouldnt pin all my hopes on that conversation because in 2 weeks you will be back at the beginning of this thread, continue with counselling and him going (if he does regularly) but dont jumpo back in just yet. :)

Absolutely agree with the last two posts.
He still has to get to that first appointment and stir up a lot of stuff under the surface - yanno how when you stir up an apparently clear puddle and it takes ages for it the sediment to settle once it's been stirred? Same kind of thing. However, agreeing to counselling is a big step, adn talking to you is a big step.
As I said, my dad is a LOT older and it took him waaaaaaay more years to finally agree to seeing a counsellor, but my mum made some mistakes with how she went about it and the process is in one big fat stall mode.

rachel - thankyou for your support and love, means so much x

fiona - great advice and thankyou for the encouragement :) We both realise that it is gonna be a long and rocky couple of years while we sort through all of the issues, but we also know that we are both on the same page and want the same things, that is huge, we havent been anywhere near the same page since I was pregnant!

OG - all of what you posted is exacty what I said to DH and he agreed that he knows he has continually told me what I want to hear for the past few years and can understand why I dont fully trust what he is telling me. You are right, every couple of weeks I have been back to square one with him, and it scares me, but only time will tiell this time i guess. I just cant wait for him to start his counselling cause he knows that if he doesnt attend his regular counselling we are finished, he knows I wont let him keep doing this to me over and over.

mayaness - would you be able to tell me what mistakes your mum made with regards to your Dad and counselling? Maybe your mums mistakes might help me?

It is great that DH has 12 months on a lease for his house, so we have at least 12 months before we are even gonna contemplate moving back together, and to be honest we both believe we wont fully be ready to jump head first back into the 'happy family' mode for a couple of years.

If I have learned nothing else this past 2 years, its that 'slow and steady wins the race'.