are you happier single?

[Emma1979]

i was just wanting to hear other people's experiences in regards to separation... i'm in a relationship where basically we are just friends who live together and have a child, it has been like this for quite some time and my partner is incapable of talking about his feelings, refuses counselling, i'm really stuck with choosing to live like this or leave as i don't believe things can really get better... i am slowly coming to the conclusion that i would be happier out of the relationship and on my own... however this is such a major decision and i am filled with doubts over whether i would be doing the right thing... i'd love to hear some success stories of those who have been hesitant about leaving a partner but have ended up in a happier situation... i just keep thinking life is too short and really the only thing holding us together is our daughter, and im not sure its in her best interests really to have an unhappy mother and possibly father (im not sure how he feels he wont say)... i feel that kids are adaptable and can adjust, and as my little girl is justa toddler, i'm not too concerned with the effect it will have on her, as i think it will end up being a positive.

financially i would be better off (and i mean extremely better of) staying in the relationship, but i keep telling myself money isn't everything and lots of people have nothing and are more content than people who seem to 'have it all' but are miserable inside. i'm under 30 and have my whole life ahead of me... surely i'm too young to be in an unsatisfying loveless relationship?

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Oh Emma
I know that you are in a tough position, and I can't offer the practical advice you're looking for, but wanted to offer my thoughts.

When you are in a loveless relationship, you look for all the things that make it good, because you want something to cling on to. Whether that's money, material things, living arrangements... whatever. And you worry about all the things that will make you unhappy if you leave - loneliness, lack of help, people's pity, self doubt...

That is what is the hardest thing to overcome leaving a relationship that is a companionship. Because you are so conditioned to just accepting what you have it can be really hard to move forward and look at what you will gain, rather than what you will lose.

Try and take the optimistic approach and see that you will regain your independence, you will have the opportunity to find a man that loves you and that will communicate with you. You will no longer have to share with a bed hog, you can parent DD the way you want to parent her in your space...

I know it is diffiuclt, and you are right, it is a really hard decision, but YOU have already concluded that it is an unsatisfying relationship which is more a companionship, that your daughter is adaptable and that you WANT THIS.

If you wanted companionship you could stay at your girlfriend's place, but you want someone to care for you and to love you. And it doesn't necessarily matter if it is the right thing to do, you just need to be confident iin your choice and that it is right for you.

I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable hun.

Great big hugs

[BellyBelly]

I am much happier. And much less sick than I used to get, the poor mods would hear from miserable me sick with some sort of infection, glandular fever... list would go on. I am so much healthier now because I made that decision to find my own happiness. It never does change, and as someone who was key in helping me through this said herself, it took her 30 years to realise it wasn't going to change... I dont want to be 30 years down the track to find true love and happiness. There are challenges and things get tough, but I feel much happier and less stressed, people noticed the difference right away!

[rhyb]

Honestly its a little scary at first but Im happier and I dont regret it one bit. I can parent DS the way I see fit and I can be my own person again.
GL with your decision.

[widdly]

hi Emma, i dont have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know that your situation sounds just like mine. I decided to seperate last week, and while their have been many tears shed by me, and much guilt felt, I really feel that I have made the right decision for me. Like you I am only young and have my whole life ahead of me and DS is only 2, so im hoping cuase hes so young the seperation wont afect him as much.

Goodluck in making your decision, it is a hard one, but at some stage in your life you really need to put yourself first and forget about protecting the feelings of others.

I am here if you ever want to chat just pm me x

[Lulu]

It is better for your little one to have happy parents. And if she is little it MAY be better to do this sooner rather than later.

I suppose the best thing to do is actually tell him you are thinking of leaving, that you feel you are both unhappy and no one should live an unhappy life. No one has to be to blame.
It would be good to give him to to think about it. Some guys really have no idea that we are unhappy. He might want to fight for the relationship, might not but at least you will know.

I am happier single, I just am. There is also something very satisfying about it - captain of my own ship yadda yadda yadda...

ETA - yeah, but I don't think humans are supposed to live without affection, its a big thing. Oh and him avoiding the whole subject sucks a bit, its cowardly.

[Ambah]

I am so much healthier, happier, and more whole, harmonious, self disciplined, and dedicated to my kids since leaving XP.
Yes it can be hard, and can feel lonely and thankless at times.
But you can't put a price on your happiness as a person.
Since becoming single I have been able to find myself as a person again. And in doing so have improved my relationship with my family, friends, and most importantly my children.
Its such a breath of fresh air being able to think for myself, and not having to worry about walking on eggshells, or negativity, or feeling like you're just existing in a cloud of discontent where you feel stuck...

All the best with making a decision.

[Emma1979]

thank you so much
i hope i get lots of responses as i am going to print this out and re-read it whenever i start to question myself...

i guess the thing is, i keep justifying why i should stay, because things aren't THAT bad, he is a good guy, a great dad, there is no violence or anything like that, we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship, no affection, no communication, no love... i guess i feel greedy and guilty, because i am potentially breaking up our family because i want more out of a relationship.

sometimes i think i should just be happy with what i have and accept it. i think thats the way my partner thinks, things aren't perfect but he has accepted things for what they are.... but i don't think i can do it. i just feel like if he would admit that things aren't right and that its not working, it would be such a huge weight lifting off my shoulders, but at the moment its just me complaining and saying how unhappy i am, and him not acknowledging a problem... possibly living in denial. it makes it so hard when its me having to make the decision that its over, i feel it should be both of us deciding.... if it was a joint decision i wouldn't feel so guilty. he is leaving all the work to me.

[Laranna]

Maybe you could try a trial separation for a couple of weeks. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and give yourselves time apart from each other. He'll either get a wake up call or still not do anything and it might just give you the head space to make your decision easier. Good Luck