are you happier single?

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Oh Emma
I know that you are in a tough position, and I can't offer the practical advice you're looking for, but wanted to offer my thoughts.

When you are in a loveless relationship, you look for all the things that make it good, because you want something to cling on to. Whether that's money, material things, living arrangements... whatever. And you worry about all the things that will make you unhappy if you leave - loneliness, lack of help, people's pity, self doubt...

That is what is the hardest thing to overcome leaving a relationship that is a companionship. Because you are so conditioned to just accepting what you have it can be really hard to move forward and look at what you will gain, rather than what you will lose.

Try and take the optimistic approach and see that you will regain your independence, you will have the opportunity to find a man that loves you and that will communicate with you. You will no longer have to share with a bed hog, you can parent DD the way you want to parent her in your space...

I know it is diffiuclt, and you are right, it is a really hard decision, but YOU have already concluded that it is an unsatisfying relationship which is more a companionship, that your daughter is adaptable and that you WANT THIS.

If you wanted companionship you could stay at your girlfriend's place, but you want someone to care for you and to love you. And it doesn't necessarily matter if it is the right thing to do, you just need to be confident iin your choice and that it is right for you.

I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable hun.

Great big hugs

[BellyBelly]

I am much happier. And much less sick than I used to get, the poor mods would hear from miserable me sick with some sort of infection, glandular fever... list would go on. I am so much healthier now because I made that decision to find my own happiness. It never does change, and as someone who was key in helping me through this said herself, it took her 30 years to realise it wasn't going to change... I dont want to be 30 years down the track to find true love and happiness. There are challenges and things get tough, but I feel much happier and less stressed, people noticed the difference right away!

[rhyb]

Honestly its a little scary at first but Im happier and I dont regret it one bit. I can parent DS the way I see fit and I can be my own person again.
GL with your decision.

[widdly]

hi Emma, i dont have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know that your situation sounds just like mine. I decided to seperate last week, and while their have been many tears shed by me, and much guilt felt, I really feel that I have made the right decision for me. Like you I am only young and have my whole life ahead of me and DS is only 2, so im hoping cuase hes so young the seperation wont afect him as much.

Goodluck in making your decision, it is a hard one, but at some stage in your life you really need to put yourself first and forget about protecting the feelings of others.

I am here if you ever want to chat just pm me x

[Lulu]

It is better for your little one to have happy parents. And if she is little it MAY be better to do this sooner rather than later.

I suppose the best thing to do is actually tell him you are thinking of leaving, that you feel you are both unhappy and no one should live an unhappy life. No one has to be to blame.
It would be good to give him to to think about it. Some guys really have no idea that we are unhappy. He might want to fight for the relationship, might not but at least you will know.

I am happier single, I just am. There is also something very satisfying about it - captain of my own ship yadda yadda yadda...

ETA - yeah, but I don't think humans are supposed to live without affection, its a big thing. Oh and him avoiding the whole subject sucks a bit, its cowardly.

[Ambah]

I am so much healthier, happier, and more whole, harmonious, self disciplined, and dedicated to my kids since leaving XP.
Yes it can be hard, and can feel lonely and thankless at times.
But you can't put a price on your happiness as a person.
Since becoming single I have been able to find myself as a person again. And in doing so have improved my relationship with my family, friends, and most importantly my children.
Its such a breath of fresh air being able to think for myself, and not having to worry about walking on eggshells, or negativity, or feeling like you're just existing in a cloud of discontent where you feel stuck...

All the best with making a decision.

[Emma1979]

thank you so much
i hope i get lots of responses as i am going to print this out and re-read it whenever i start to question myself...

i guess the thing is, i keep justifying why i should stay, because things aren't THAT bad, he is a good guy, a great dad, there is no violence or anything like that, we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship, no affection, no communication, no love... i guess i feel greedy and guilty, because i am potentially breaking up our family because i want more out of a relationship.

sometimes i think i should just be happy with what i have and accept it. i think thats the way my partner thinks, things aren't perfect but he has accepted things for what they are.... but i don't think i can do it. i just feel like if he would admit that things aren't right and that its not working, it would be such a huge weight lifting off my shoulders, but at the moment its just me complaining and saying how unhappy i am, and him not acknowledging a problem... possibly living in denial. it makes it so hard when its me having to make the decision that its over, i feel it should be both of us deciding.... if it was a joint decision i wouldn't feel so guilty. he is leaving all the work to me.

[Laranna]

Maybe you could try a trial separation for a couple of weeks. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and give yourselves time apart from each other. He'll either get a wake up call or still not do anything and it might just give you the head space to make your decision easier. Good Luck

[Mum030709]

Emma, I have being through what you are currently going through..

I ended up seperating from my partner, and we were apart for well over 12mths..
We have recently gotten back together (only as a gf/bf type relationship), but we have chosen, more so I have chosen, to not live together this time..

It took me alot to get used to being on my own, but after about 5mths, I felt fantastic!
I could do what I wanted, when I wanted & didn't need anyone's "permission", so to speak..
Being back in the relationship now, I can already feel the unhappiness starting to return..
He is so incredibly in love with me, yet I can't return the same feeling anymore..

Best of luck with your decision..

[Emma1979]

i'm sure he knows i'm not happy as i have 'blown up' on so many occassions and told him, and also i have left for a few days in the past and gone to stay at my parents... none of it has done any good. the thing with a trial separation is i feel like its not a real indication of what life will be like, as i will be staying with my parents and won't be in my own place, does that make any sense? also i'm not sure i want him to wake up and want to fight for the relationship now, as i am not sure even if he tries a bit harder, that it will be enough.... i'm not sure we are a good match for each other. a year or so ago i would have been all for him wanting to fight for the relationship, i tried to get him to go to counselling etc, i feel like i tried and tried, and now as more time has passed i feel like its too little too late if he does decide he wants to put more effort in, i don't think its what i want anymore.
i also feel really sad for him, i feel sad that he won't get to see his daughter every day and kiss her goodnight before bed...

[C~Q]

Emma - your story sounds a lot like mine. My DH was great most of the time, we were/hopefully still are, best friends. He's a great Dad and someone I could always count on, trust, etc. BUT no body is perfect and he did a lot of things wrong and there were a lot of things he sucked at. I just found that I couldn't live with the sucky things anymore...

I felt terrible, breaking up the family when there wasn't anything really wrong. But you're right - you shouldn't have to live in a love-less relationship. I love DH - always will but I want more and so does he - he's reaslised that and so will your DH because chances are he's not happy he just doesn't want to change anything.

It breaks my heart when he sayd goodbye to the kids but it is getting easier for him and it will for your DH.

But to answer your question - YES I am a lot happier. It's really, really bloody hard bringing up 3 kids by yourself (one will obviously be easier but still hard) and I really miss having someone to debrief to at the end of the day (even if he didn't listen). But i'm a stronger person already and I love that. I felt like I was really weak with him and that person has gone!

I think a trial seperation is a good idea. My DH wouldn't agree to that at first but soon changed his mind when faced with the alternative. I knew pretty much the first week that we weren't going to get back together and so might you, but you'll never know till you try. Yes, you do deserve to be happy and I am so glad i'm facing singledom and 3 kids at 28 not 38!

Good luck hun, let me know if you want to chat