Anger
Dependency
Worry
Lack of an ability to control frustration
Impatience
Obliviousness (to the needs of others etc)
Selfishness
Inability to form close relationships
Lack of resilience
Lack of self control and discipline
I specified that for it to be a negative EQ attribute it had to regularly uncontrollable. Anger, for example, in itself is a perfectly valid emotion... it's just when it becomes frequently uncontrollable that you have a problem.
Are there any that have been forgotten?
Ok so I'll go first. I'm ok with self control but I sometimes struggle with self discipline. Meaning I can control my reactions to lots of stimuli but I often lack the self discipline to do things that need to be done (like housework). I can control my urge to eat a whole block of chocolate in one sitting but I would struggle to have the self discipline to join a gym and go enough times for it to be worth it.
I'm also quite good at being able to control my thoughts with regard to worrying. I rarely lose sleep over issues... it's easy enough to tell myself "well, there's nothing I can do right NOW so I might as well think about something pleasant, drift off and deal with it tomorrow". BUT I could do with being a bit more emotionally resilient, especially in conflict situations. If someone is unfairly rude to me I take it quite personally.... I find it hard to brush it off by saying "that had nothing to do with me... they are just rude, probably because someone was just rude to them!" etc.
So to sum up I would like to improve my:
Self discipline and emotional resilience.
I would also like my DH to focus on his:
Frustration control and patience. (He is actually quite good with self discipline and emotional resilience). I guess we compliment each other quite well when I think about it.
Anyone else want to share? (you can also share your strategies for improving any aspect of EQ).
I think I have good resilience... good empathy and good self awareness.
Need to work on my worrying! oh yeah, big time. Strangely, I am quite good at looking onthe bright side of things, I can be very optimistic and have a good outlook onmost things. But there are some things that the worry-dog just gets its teeth into & will not let go, and it becomes a vicious circle. Example - I worry about skin cancer, and would rather just not look in the mirror, rather than do self-exams on my skin. Stupid I know but I can't cope with the panic that rises in me.
Lack of self control & self discipline - although that is hard because there are times when I can really 'knuckle down' there are other times I struggle. Diet is a good example of this for me - I have had a tendency to indulge since I was a child - whole other story - prior to falling PG I went on Tony Ferguson, which is really strict - and I managed quite well, but since falling PG I have been back to my old tricks. I just can't walk that middle ground, I can either do the really tough way or the really easy way...nothing in between.
And the other one - I'm not sure if this falls under any of your categories Bathsheba? but it's insecurity. I am sooo insecure. I can relate it back to why, I just still struggle to get past it, kwim? I know that's its a legacy of my childhood... if I know why I am like this then why isn't it easier to change? But yeah I am very insecure, I worry about people leaving me (abandonment issues ), also what do people really think of me and what are they really thinking and am I good enough... all that.
The next big question is... what do you do to work on these things?
Thanks for sharing Jasp I think that sometimes the first step is just acknowledging our problem areas. This is what this thread is mainly about I guess. If we get a few suggestions along the way then that's good but maybe just awareness is the object of this thread... just want to open up a discussion about it. Maybe if enough of us share we might start to see some patterns and tendencies. When you mentioned your insecurity was a legacy of your childhood I could also share that I feel this way too. It would be tempting to go into great detail about our childhoods but maybe it's better to be accepting of our pasts? and just see how we can move forward? What do you think? It's tricky. Another thing that motivates me to think about all this is because I'm increasingly aware of passing on a legacy to my children... and if I can bring my areas of weakness to the forefront of my mind then maybe I'll be less likely to pass them on to my children. This is what DH is trying to achieve: trying to be aware that he is impatient and modifying his parenting so that he doesn't "normalise" it for his children. I mentioned to him once "Do you realise how often you say the word 'quickly!' to the kids?" He stopped and said that he didn't. But once I had pointed it out to him he realised that he was saying it pretty much every time he interacted with them. I challenged him to stop saying it.... and I can say that he has actually risen to the challenge! LOL anyhow... this is an example of how I would like this thread to work: just to simply raise awareness. I suspect that unless a person is ready to admit a weakness they aren't going to be ready to change.
Last edited by Bathsheba; July 22nd, 2009 at 04:48 PM.
I have an uncontrolable hatred of Daniel Goldman's writing style, does that count? My sister has nicked my copy of Emotional Intelligence and tbh I don't care because the whole book just seemed to tell me how thick and backwards I am without any consolation!
I have to work on my ego and realise I'm not all that great I suppose.
Anger. I do try to rein it in but it's not easy. Especially at ten to five this morning when I need sleep! But I do make sure that I always apologise when I show anger so DS realises it's not the right thing to do.
The one thing I keep in the forefront of my mind is that children learn about God's love through the medium of their parents' love. I am to model that love for DS. VERY hard but I hope he appreciates it one day.
As for insecurity. I think that's normal. I know people don't like me but I'm finally getting to the point where I can think "their loss" and if they want to be catty or mean then it shows more about them than me. Yes I do worry about what people think of me and that no-one likes me but if I have time to worry about that then I have time to plan my next essay.
It's very interesting when you mention what legacy we pass on to our children.
I have been very aware of not doing to my children as was done unto to me - as most parents are (at least WRT things we disliked or felt adversely affected us).
But what has been interesting is that a lot of personality traits that I attributed to my childhood (such as my insane worrying) I now see in my DS1, who is having quite a different childhood to me.
I don't think this includes insecurity, I can see quite clearly that he knows how loved he is, and that is one of the biggest things I want to give my children.
But he is a worrier, and he has a tendency to be a little over-sensitive too..both things that I thought may have come of my childhood.
It's interesting to think that maybe not... certainly the way we are raised has a certain impact on who we grow up to be , it's unavoidable, but maybe not as much as we would think?
And I also see the other things that were passed to me without me being aware of it - I (now) know exactly where my morals & values came from - and I didn't notice that happening at the time!
And yes, I do think to a certain extent we have to accept our childhoods & move on... nothing is going to change it. I believe we have to accept that those are life lessons that have been given to us, and we can take them & use them, learn from them & move on...or not. Sometimes easier said than done!
Lady Z - I have had to learn that too little ego is as bad as too much - and not necessarily any nicer to be around!
Ok, I need to work on quite a few of the negative ones, because they are really impacting me at the moment...
Anger
Worry
Lack of an ability to control frustration
Impatience
It seems like these are essential when it comes to parenting, because I feel a little out of my depth at times...Oh...did I delete insecurity? We better put that back in!
Hi Anna I could have written the same thing myself a few years ago. Those emotions you listed were the ones that strongly manifested before I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition. Have you always had these issues or are they recent? When my youngest was about a year old I really felt things were getting out of control... I was normally a patient person but had lost that completely... and I always seemed to be yelling at the kids This lasted for months but then some odd physical symptoms started happening like hand tremors and a racing heart. So I took myself off to te GP. Got a blood test done for thyroid function. It came back through the roof (my body was producing way too much). Eventually with medication this was brought under control... and it's still being treated today but I'm much calmer.
So before you write yourself off as having an EQ problem (and this goes for everyone) maybe see a doctor just to rule out a physical reason. I wrote my issues off as a result of sleep deprivation but lucky I saw a doctor because my thyroid condition can be fatal if left untreated. Also I was concerned about my kids and how I was speaking to them.
GP's are also good at asking questions that you might not think are related to your bad moods.... always good to have an objective view of the situation.
I might be right off track though Anna... just a suggestion
Perserverance I can do , and also fairly resilient I think. Empathy I'm working on, but to me that ties in with self awareness. The more I understand about myself the better I understand others (or think I do anyway).
I do worry at times - not sure how to keep a lid on that one in truth cause my mind just runs away with itself.
I can be oblivious I'm afraid... how do you fix that?
I get angry and frustrated easily when I haven't eaten for a while
DH is quite negative at times. Always putting himself down. He's actually very kind and sensitive to others' needs and feelings, but then, because of his deep-seated insecurities, feels like he's being taken advantage of by those he helps and gets resentful (and criticises himself for it).
One of my big ones is my inability to contain my despair when I see critical judgements & unkindness of others. I really need to work on this as it feels heavy in my body. It isn't a positive thing as it serves no purpose except to leave me feeling - sad...
Yes, I share this Deb it makes me question my faith in humanity sometimes... I know that within everyone there is the potential for comapssion. I know that at the end of the day a person who is being really unfair and critical of another person wouldn't actually walk past that person if they were drowning (for example). We are not animals. (Humans have compassion whilst animals don't... they protect their young and their herd for survival reasons and that's it, generally speaking... I guess you do hear of faithful dogs etc). So the critical person would most likely actually throw a rope to the person they were being so harsh to... I know they would. I just don't understand why it would have to come to that
I am feeling particularly down about this today. Flat as a pancake. The energy it takes to defend ones position or be unkind to another - imagine if that energy was harnessed for positive???
The first thing that comes to mind is WORRY, I'm an expert at it lol. I am working at it though and can see some improvement. some of the things that I say to myself now are...can I do anything ?, or just wait and see what happens! I have noticed that I have wasted alot of energy and time worrying over something that never happens.
Self control- I self indulge way to much whether it is with comfort food or buying something to make me happy in the short term. I put this down to having frustrations that I can't resolve easily so I just give myself a quick happy fix to see me through the day
I have been told by many a person that I am too hard on myself, I would agree that I am very self critical, and can forgive faults in others but not in myself.
On the up side I would say I am a very loyal and loving family member and friend. I do not seek conflict but will stand up for what I think is right. I am aware of peoples personal space and respect it.
What Aspects Of Emotional Intelligence Do You Need To Work On?
Reply With Quotebut I can't cope with the panic that rises in me.
), also what do people really think of me and what are they really thinking and am I good enough... all that.
I think that sometimes the first step is just acknowledging our problem areas. This is what this thread is mainly about I guess. If we get a few suggestions along the way then that's good but maybe just awareness is the object of this thread... just want to open up a discussion about it. Maybe if enough of us share we might start to see some patterns and tendencies. When you mentioned your insecurity was a legacy of your childhood I could also share that I feel this way too. It would be tempting to go into great detail about our childhoods but maybe it's better to be accepting of our pasts? 
and just see how we can move forward? What do you think? It's tricky. Another thing that motivates me to think about all this is because I'm increasingly aware of passing on a legacy to my children... and if I can bring my areas of weakness to the forefront of my mind then maybe I'll be less likely to pass them on to my children. This is what DH is trying to achieve: trying to be aware that he is impatient and modifying his parenting so that he doesn't "normalise" it for his children. I mentioned to him once "Do you realise how often you say the word 'quickly!' to the kids?" He stopped and said that he didn't. But once I had pointed it out to him he realised that he was saying it pretty much every time he interacted with them. I challenged him to stop saying it.... and I can say that he has actually risen to the challenge! 
LOL anyhow... this is an example of how I would like this thread to work: just to simply raise awareness. I suspect that unless a person is ready to admit a weakness they aren't going to be ready to change.
This lasted for months but then some odd physical symptoms started happening like hand tremors and a racing heart. So I took myself off to te GP. Got a blood test done for thyroid function. It came back through the roof (my body was producing way too much). Eventually with medication this was brought under control... and it's still being treated today but I'm much calmer.
, and also fairly resilient I think. Empathy I'm working on, but to me that ties in with self awareness. The more I understand about myself the better I understand others (or think I do anyway).
it makes me question my faith in humanity sometimes... I know that within everyone there is the potential for comapssion. I know that at the end of the day a person who is being really unfair and critical of another person wouldn't actually walk past that person if they were drowning (for example). We are not animals. (Humans have compassion whilst animals don't... they protect their young and their herd for survival reasons and that's it, generally speaking... I guess you do hear of faithful dogs etc). So the critical person would most likely actually throw a rope to the person they were being so harsh to... I know they would. I just don't understand why it would have to come to that 
The energy it takes to defend ones position or be unkind to another - imagine if that energy was harnessed for positive???
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