DS is attending a funeral tomorrow, his friend committed suicide. His school has arranged to take those that wish to attend, just wondering how he will cope. I just want to be there with him to be able to support him, give him a big hug but he will be with all his mates. I'm sure he will be ok just feel a bit anxious for him. Don't know if I should ask him afterwards how the funeral was or should I wait for him to open up to me? Thanks for listening.
I'd wait for him to open up to you. He may just want some time to process what has happened.
Just let him know your there for him.
HTH and he is ok. xxx
hello
My advice would be just let him know that you are there for him and if he wishes to talk to you about it just let him know you are there and that you love him.
give him time no doubt this is a great shock to his system and it will take time to get thought it he may not want to talk about it straight away but sooner or later he will want to talk about it.
My brother's best friend committed suicide last year, and at the funeral my mum went but stayed in the back. She went just to make sure he was ok. He was with all his mates and didn't want to crowd him. She's glad she went as he got quite emotional about it afterwards. to your DS and his mates. What a tough time for them all.
He might need some space to process things? You could always try for a hot chocolate after dinner that night and a gentle leading question that gives him a chance to share some info.
Thanks everyone, I'll play it by ear and see how he goes. He's usually very open and tells me about what's going on in his life, was just sitting here thinking about it all before and probably got myself all anxious. Thanks again.
I'm guessing your DS is only 13 ... to be honest i would want to be there at least sitting/standing way in the background so therefore if he chose to come to you after the ceremony if it truely is too emotional for him at least he would have you there as a 'choice' of comfort to go to then to not have it all.
I'm just picturing my nephew as he just turned 14 & i know my sister would do just what i mentioned. Just my suggestion but you know your son well enough, maybe not in this heartbreaking situation but i would understand you would be mindful to not want him too maybe feel embarassed with his Mum there.
My best friends partner suicided early in the year ... it is a very gut wrenching emotion to deal with & especially as a teen. I so feel for you as a Mum knowing it's such a heartbreaking time in your son's life & also very confusing i would imagine.
Just another thought, would it be possible to ask your son if you could do just what i suggested ... and if it's a firm NO from him then best to not go ??
your poor son, im gathering the friend was the young girl who has been splashed over the news - how devastating for all of you. i lost a close friend when i was 19, and i found that i spoke more with my friends who were also friends with him, however now that i'm a mum, i think i would make sure that your ds knows you;re there to speak to when and if he chooses.
hugs to you and yours, this story was so devastating.
I'm so sorry for your son's loss, and for the kid's family... how tragic.
FWIW, I think space would be a good thing, especially as all his mates are going to be there to hold him up, so to speak. I attended the funeral of a friend who was killed in a car accident at the age of 15, my mum came with me for support and *she* was so sad she was throwing herself at me, hugging me to death and sobbing her eyes out... I kept asking her to just leave me be (I'm the type of person that kind of withdraws in situations like these - I don't like to be touched or made aware that anybody else is around, I just want to disappear into myself and process what I'm going through) and stop touching me, but she wouldn't - apparently my tears made her want to comfort me and she just did a terrible job of it (not to mention making a frickin' scene in the church by getting upset with me when I slapped her hand away as she tried to grab mine).
When DH's mum was killed last year, BIL hadn't yet turned 16, and we were very worried about how he was going to cope at the funeral. We all went as a family, obviously, and he sat with us at the ceremony, but as we walked out, his mates kind of gathered around and whisked him off to a quiet corner of the crematorium grounds and when I checked on them 10 minutes later they were laughing and hanging out as usual, I mean the general air was much more sombre than usual but he seemed to find more comfort in being with his mates, and attempting some normalcy, rather than being around us and his grandparents. And when it came time to head back into town for the wake, he elected to be dropped off at a friend's house instead.
So I think if you want to attend the funeral to provide support, my advice would be to do it from a distance - I know as a parent you just want to fix the hurt and be the shoulder to cry on, but teenagers seem to be biologically designed to reject their parents and find comfort from other sources, usually their friends - and in this case, your son's friends will be experiencing the exact same emotions and will have that as a point of relation, kwim?? 'We're all in this together,' sort of mentality.
Go to the funeral, for sure, but just let him take the lead - if he indicates that he wants you nearby, go with it, but if he does the ol', 'I'm pretending you don't exist' then just do it like that. I'm sure neither you, nor you DS, will be able to predict exactly how he's going to react until it happens, so being there in case he needs you is a good idea, but don't be surprised if you find yourself unneeded lol... sorry, that sounds harsh, but yeah - kids tend to band together in these kinds of situations and get emotional support from one another rather than 'sooking to mummy', kwim??
Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I hope your DS's broken heart heals soon and that he and his friends get the support they need during such a confusing time. And I hope his friend is now resting in peace.
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I talked with him last night and asked if he would like me to come and he decided to go with two of his mates and the boys mother was taking them. I know the mum so gave her a call and she assured me she would look after the boys and she will be there with them. She said she would take them to McDonalds afterwards if she see's that they are coping and then bring them to my place so they can be together for a while.
I'm so proud of my boy. When I picked him up he started talking about the service straight away. He talked about how there were so many people there, over 500, the song that was played, many things. He really seems to be coping ok. His mates mum told me he was comforting his friends, that was really nice to hear. It was certainly an experience for him. Thank you to everyone for your replies, I felt really stressed for him yesterday and so unsure how to handle the situation, it was really comforting reading your experiences and your advice. Thanks.
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to your DS and his mates. What a tough time for them all.
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